No. 41

I've been wanting to keep posting here, but the thing is, once i miss some stuff it's hard for me to get myself to catch up on it. It's always impossible for me to keep up with journals and those kinds of things. I always feel the need to record every finest detail. Maybe it's because i see this as more of a log than a journal. I want to be able to remember things, every little thing. Maybe that's why my writing style isn't so nice on here. I think i'll just start saying whatever i feel like saying.

bloot.

Anyways, it's now almost four months since my last post. A lot has happened. Right now, in some ways i am a lot better, in a lot of ways i still don't feel any relief. I found out my parents had read my blog. I found out Jazzy's counsellor (and possibly her parent) has also read it. I had the worst panic attack(s) of my life. I came the closest i've ever come to killing myself-- twice. I made it through the end of the school year. I got miserable grades. I have realized a lot. I made it to Thailand. I fell in love with Thailand. I feel detached and distant. I feel lonely.

So here i am, writing again. Jazzy is still with Kyle and i'm still the same. I sent Jazzy a long email right before i went to Thailand (actually, i sent the second half while i was in Thailand) and she never replied.

Here is the first half of the email--

"
from Danny Piccirillo Jun 24
to Jazzy Cindy
date Jun 24, 2007 10:56 PM
subject Re: Smile :)
mailed-by gmail.com
1. I'm sorry i'm saying this over email.
2. I'm sorry.
3. I'm sorry i couldn't put your happiness in front of everything.
4. I'm sorry i couldn't be altruistic.
5. I'm sorry i haven't been myself.
6. I take back what i said about your braces. Your teeth do look nice.
7. You were right: I didn't trust you.
8. Do i trust you now? I don't know. Probably not.
9. Do you really think you have shown your trustworthiness?
10. Check the outside pocket of your checkered bag.
11. There's something i need to ask you in person.
12. I only act like everything is good.
13. I am not willing to let you go.
14. Things are good for you right now and it kills me to see you with somebody else.
15. Kyle is not the right one for you.
16. Yet again you are immersing yourself into a new group.
17. It sickened me when you [reassured] Atenia that she was the most important person in your life.
18. She's not the first person to express that you've been gone lately.
19. It seemed like you were treating her like a child.
20. I do not mean to sound like i am closer with her than you are.
21. It kills me that i am not important to you.
22. You told me i was in that top three most important people: Atenia, Robin, i.
23. According to Facebook your top three are: Atenia, Robin, Kyle.
24. I don't even appear in the top 12.
25. You know everything about me.
26. I'm sorry for being honest.
27. I only went further than kissing you because i truely though we would never go further with anybody else.
28. You are still the world to me.
29. Is nothing sacred?
30. Through all of this, you are still the only one i have any feeling for.
31. Do you realize that i haven't really liked anybody other than you for over two years?
32. Lily was just someone new that i hadn't given myself the chance of not liking her yet.
33. The same goes for Beth.
34. What is it that you have owned up to?
35. What has been resolved?
36. Yes, i am mad.
37. Yes, i was disgusted that you got involved with Gaby.
38. Yes, i do hate you with Kyle. You can't even say his name around me.
39. You spend time with him all the time.
40. You go out of your way to be with him.
41. You show him more that you showed me.
42. I cannot live like this, but how could i accept you again?
43. Things will not be okay like this.
44. alf of the time, i think you are completely wrong.
45. You are a the biggest flirt.
46. You are cold.
47. You know how to be a real bitch.
48. You left me completely out of the loop.
49. There is no fucking "social regularity" for us.
50. I hope to god you don't honestly think you can justify any choice you have made in this relationship with any goddamn "social regularity"
51. I have something for you.
52. Why should i see you before i leave for Thailand?
53. I want to. I do.
54. You have no idea how hard it is to feel alone like i do.
55. If you do then i do not know how you can leave me like this.
56. ow hard it is to constantly be thinking of you.
57. You never consider what this does to me.
58. I have to try incredibly hard not to call you all of the time still.
59. Your mom told me that i needed to move on until we could mend our relationship.
60. I clam up around you.
61. I can't speak sround you.
62. I can't act around you.
63. I get nervous around you and my heart beats faster.
64. You do this.
65. Why do you insist on putting up so much resistance to everyone?"

And here is part two--

"
from Danny Piccirillo Jul 2
to Jazzy Cindy
date Jul 2, 2007 1:51 AM
subject Re: Smile :)
mailed-by gmail.com
Are you truly happy with yourself?
Will you make amends before it's too late?
The other half of the time i understand.
You just don't like me right now.
I still think you owe me something.
You've disappointed me even as a friend.

There will be nobody to cry for me when i leave but me.

I wake up.
I mope around.
I might try to see someone(s) to make things seem okay.
I cry.
I sleep.

Talk to me.

I miss you.
How can you have any hope of things working out?
I know i can't promise you anything.
But i do, still hope, even after all the times we've tried and failed.
I need you back.
I'm not asking for you to be mine again and everything be perfect
I only ask that you give use some opportunity
This isn't just about me
I worry about you and what will become of you too.
We can work.
It will always be worth it to me.
I don't want to lose the promises you made me
I will not let go of you
I wish there was something i could say that would fix everything between us forever
If you asked me if i would do this all over again, yes, i would, absolutely.

I know you probably don't want to hear this
I still love you

I know of at least one person who thinks you're a great match for Kyle-- for your negative qualities. I know that the you that a lot of people are starting to see is not the real you nor is it who you really want to be. The only way i can sum up how i feel in one word is cheated.

The first email was originally 99 lines long. Here's the rest of it in fragments of what i could restore from my memory.

On 6/24/07, Danny Piccirillo <> wrote:

1. I'm sorry i'm saying this over email.
2. I'm sorry.
3. I'm sorry i couldn't put your happiness in front of everything.
4. I'm sorry i couldn't be altruistic.
5. I'm sorry i haven't been myself.
6. I take back what i said about your braces. Your teeth do look nice.
7. You were right: I didn't trust you.
8. Do i trust you now? I don't know. Probably not.
9. Do you really think you have shown your trustworthiness?
10. Check the outside pocket of your checkered bag.
11. There's something i need to ask you in person.
12. I only act like everything is good.
13. I am not willing to let you go.
14. Things are good for you right now and it kills me to see you with somebody else.
15. Kyle is not the right one for you.
16. Yet again you are immersing yourself into a new group.
17. It sickened me when you [reassured] Atenia that she was the most important person in your life.
18. She's not the first person to express that you've been gone lately.
19. It seemed like you were treating her like a child.
20. I do not mean to sound like i am closer with her than you are.
21. It kills me that i am not important to you.
22. You told me i was in that top three most important people: Atenia, Robin, i.
23. According to Facebook your top three are: Atenia, Robin, Kyle.
24. I don't even appear in the top 12.
25. You know everything about me.
26. I'm sorry for being honest.
27. I only went further than kissing you because i truly though we would never go further with anybody else.
28. You are still the world to me.
29. Is nothing sacred?
30. Through all of this, you are still the only one i have any feelings for.
31. Do you realize that i haven't really liked anybody other than you for over two years?
32. Lily was just someone new that i hadn't given myself the chance of not liking her yet.
33. The same goes for Beth.
34. What is it that you have owned up to?
35. What has been resolved?
36. Yes, i am mad.
37. Yes, i was disgusted that you got involved with Gaby.
38. Yes, i do hate you with Kyle. You can't even say his name around me.
39. You spend time with him all the time.
40. You go out of your way to be with him.
41. You show him more that you showed me.
42. I cannot live like this, but how could i accept you again?
43. Things will not be okay like this.
44. Half of the time, i think you are completely wrong.
45. You are a the biggest flirt.
46. You are cold.
47. You know how to be a real bitch.
48. You left me completely out of the loop.
49. There is no fucking "social regularity" for us.
50. I hope to god you don't honestly think you can justify any choice you have made in this relationship with any goddamn "social regularity"
51. I have something for you.
52. Why should i see you before i leave for Thailand?
53. I want to. I do.
54. You have no idea how hard it is to feel alone like i do.
55. If you do then i do not know how you can leave me like this.
56. ow hard it is to constantly be thinking of you.
57. You never consider what this does to me.
58. I have to try incredibly hard not to call you all of the time still.
59. Your mom told me that i needed to move on until we could mend our relationship.
60. I clam up around you.
61. I can't speak around you.
62. I can't act around you.
63. I get nervous around you and my heart beats faster.
64. You do this.
65. Why do you insist on putting up so much resistance to everyone?"

Jazzy isn't who i thought she was. She was never who i thought she was, the person i saw her as, the person i wanted her to be. Each time we do this i have to realize that she isn't the Jasmine i know. If and when she realizes this, which i don't think she will, she will be more hurt than me. I can't change her. I can try. She has to change on her own and by her own will. Jasmine, if the person i know you are ever comes back, let me know. Until then, i can't ever see you the same and our relationship will not be whole.