No. 107

Sometimes i don't know if i'm sane now and used to be crazy or if i used to be sane and am crazy now but i guess i'd be insane to think i knew.

No. 106

I'm lying through my teeth, when i laugh, when i smile, at you.

I strive for your approval. I fear your judgment.

I listen to the music, but all i hear is noise.

No. 105

I stepped back and took a look at the big picture before i stepped forward to light the bottom corner aflame and assemble my paints and brushes.

No. 104

There are not good and evil people. There are people who do wrong, and people who do worse. Everyone has the same capacity to do good or evil. We are all human.

No. 103

I want to save someone who will thank me by returning the favor.

No. 102

So i haven't posted in a while. Not sure what to say. A lot has happened and not a lot has happened. I wish i kept up with this better. My conversation logs are a better record of my life. I'm not sure how to keep up with this.

Anyways, i went to Canandaigua, New York with Robin and the Hayashis. It was fun. I have a piece of paper from the trip with some notes:

• Sadness is not a part of me, just a state of being. 
• I guess i've always felt attached to being depressed.
• Brittany was sexually assaulted when she was twelve. 
• I had just found that out before the trip and i guess i wanted to write about it. I have no idea what i should do about posting information about others on this blog. Nobody reads it, so it's okay, right? Sort of like posting it on a sign in the middle of some woods that nobody ever goes through.
• I owe Robin a lot for my current state of happiness. 
• Yeah, i felt happy. You can still see some really sad undertones there though. 
• She's everything i want to be. 
• She's together and all that. I'm not. Still, i guess i wouldn't give up who i am. 
• I will be your ugly friend
• to make you more beautiful

It seems like when i have stuff to write about, i put off writing it. Hm

No. 101

Hooray more poetry!

Now i'm going to post all my poems under the Fictionpress that were all about Jazzy i think. http://www.fictionpress.com/u/401730/Silent_Heartbeat

And here's my profile:

Silent Heartbeat
since: 03-10-04, id: 401730

Author has written 7 stories for Love, and Song.

My really goodfriend robin is a really great poet and one of my rly good friends. sheez 13 and her work is under pen name, Sat Hari, UserID: 445712.
My other good friend Jazzy is also a really greatr poet, her work is under pen name, and if they get me, UserID: 445868.
The poems on here are all love if u wanna see other satuff thats mine, my profie,email adress, and the poemz that r'nthere are under the pen name s0ulFlame, User ID: 401695

This first poem was a Valentines Day poem i write for Jazzy. One review by Robin.

Sat Hari (2005-01-18): "Sorta creepy in that I know who you're talking about...Buts its good. Too good...Are you a robot? Just kidding. It actually is really good though..."

Modified: Fri 27 Feb 2004 05:27:04 PM EST
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1547865/1/Valentines_poem (03-10-04)
But the local copy i have is just a couple pages filled with spaces so i'm not sure what's up with that.

You've shown me more than friendship,
Even something more than life,
You've taught me to believe,
In what I have for you.
Each day I sit in wonder,
In what it really is.
Some may call it love,
And I know it to be true.
You're frozen in my mind,
My head flooded,
By thoughts of you.
My life is a planet,
revolving around a star.
You're the brightest one I can see,
Blinding me with your glare,
And as I stare,
I feel that feeling there.
You're all that really matters,
I would give it all away,
And give my life for you.
If you ever came to love me back,
I'd let you rip my heart from my chest,
And tell you I was dying happy.
When I look to the heavens,
You're the only thing visible to me.
When I close my eyes,
You're there.
This feeling that I get,
I've only gotten from you,
It's always there,
And so are you,
In always at least one way or two.
You're why I go on each day,
Making my life seem a little less gray.
I am questioned why I feel it,
But I can't control it,
So how can I answer?
You could throw this paper away,
As long as you get a small idea,
Of what I feel.
And even if you do recognize this,
You still only know a drop,
From the ocean of this emotion.
There are no words to describe it.
I believe that I do,
I love you.
And I hope that maybe it could prove true,
And last forever,
Between me and you.

No. 100

So i just got out of the shower after cleaning my room. It's nice and spacious now. Last night i had a school dream. It was like Bigelow meets NNHS and i think Mr. Benson from John Ward Elementary School was there. There was this homework room and i was there with a few people, it was like a basement and there was this little creature. It was just a little ball but it kept chasing me and i kept hitting it with a wooden board. I was afraid because it had this disease called SEIRS or something. It could've been SIRS or SEIS or something. Wikipedia has an entry for SIRS though: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SIRS

Anyways, i didn't want to get it, but it bit someone else, and they started following me too. That's all i remember before my dad called my name and woke me up to watch the kids while he went out.

I'm going to New York tomorrow with Robin tomorrow and coming back on Monday so i'll be missing out on Cape Cod with my family from Saturday to Tuesday. Too bad i told Carlie and Eleanor that i'd be back. I hope they're not too mad. I also have to miss out on seeing the Nanny again before she goes back to China.

No. 99

If i should pour your wine to quickly? If you should pout mine to slow?

So the last dream i remember was a few nights ago and it was some post-apocalyptic shit. I remember some Inuyasha type fighting against some big monster in the dessert but i'm not at all sure whether or not that was the same dream. I haven't had any really memorable dreams since then.

Man, when Robin got back for a little while i was actually getting jealous just thinking about if she had talked to other people before me when she had the chance to before she got back. I realized how ridiculous i was being though. I think i'm getting better at keeping myself in check.

No. 98

On the Cape now. Stayed up a little late (like 3am i think), and slept for like 12 hours. I had some weird dreams. I remember getting a random IM from Brittany that just said "i like you" but i don't remember anything else there. My other dream was this really weird sci-fi Terminator 3 like thing where a bunch of close friends and family were being held in these gigantic pods by the Catholic Church and they sent this Terminator 3 lady after me and i did a lot of parkour shit to run away. Then there was like this big truck that i needed to get and then drive to the place where they were being held to break down the doors or some shit. Isn't it bad to always be dreaming? I used to rarely remember my dreams. I'm supposed to take the kids for a walk so i've gotta go.

No. 97

So i just woke up and showered. Had a couple of weird dreams. The first one involved Caroline and Brittany and Caroline talked to her for me or something. I don't remember the details. I also remember being on Cape Cod or soemething, then wanering through thie forest/field/dessert. Then my next dream was really weird. I was like walking a bunch of dogs or something, and there was this really hot girl in my dad's car nearby (who i somehow knew but i didn't actually know) and i think she was working for us. Then someone came up with the idea to have hott girls walk dogs and start a business. Then hot girls walking dogs became girls with guns and then my dream turned into a zombie hunting dream and it was freaky as hell. I just couldn't aim, but i survived until i woke up.

Sometimes i'm caught in the grips of an unshakable despair,
and so i smile.
I smile to remind myself,
to remind myself...

I have to go now because Janling just called and she's coming over soon.

No. 96

It's not quite 6am but i'm getting up anyway. I haven't been able to sleep through the night last night or the night before (since i've been going to be early)-- i hope i didn't really fuck up my sleep schedule...

I had a dream i was J.D. from Scrubs and i think Jazzy may have been Elliott but i'm not sure. We were at some funeral or something and everyone was walking through the woods or something. Elliot was upset and stuff so i tried helping her. When we were crossing some bridge, Dr. Kelso had her by the arm and was asking her if she was planning to run away. Later, i was like, "See? Everyone cares about you." Then we got to the swings and apparently i was dating Julie because she was there and so was Elliot's boyfriend (i think).

The dream got weird from there. I remember trying to get the last seat but didn't and Turk got up so i could sit next to Julie but i wanted to sit next to Elliot or something. Then someone was swinging and accidentally kicked someone and it was really akward-- sounds like something Julie would do.

Is it sad that i actually had a dream about Scrubs?

So thinking about why i got so wrapped up in Brittany-- i'm thinking maybe i still haven't gotten over my obsession with losing my virginity to some other beautigul virgin. Remember the whole first kiss with Jazzy fiasco? How it killed me that our first kiss wasn't her first kiss? Remember how it killed me that she was doing stuff and would be doing other stuff with Kyle? Well i guess i got past the fact that i would no longer be able to have everything happen with that one special person so was Brittany just somone i moved these desires on to? I didn't even realize i was still posessive of her. I mean i was okay with things i guess because i thought she wouldn't be involved with anyone because of her internet boyfriend. I don't know what else to say about this. I'm tired.

You know it's so much harder to appreciate than to expect appreciation? I think we should all be appreciative of everything and not expect appreciation of anything. I mean when you do something you know everything you had to do but when you get something, you only know the outcome and none of the work that went into it. Well for the most part anyways.

Hopefully Robin will be home today. I really miss her. Two whole weeks without her! Too much!

No. 95

So Brittany told me something was wrong and i got a bad feeling. I guess i feared the worst and from the type of person she is, and from the way i've been feeling, the worst would be that she had sex with someone. I don't know why but that would just make me jealous-- or should i say i am jealous. I was worrying and i guess it may have been more selfish than concern for her but i don't know. I just found out now. I'm trying to talk to her about it. I don't know why i'm jealous. I guess i'll get attached to just about anyone now...

No. 94

Just woke up again. I had a dream some girl i was friends with (don't know/remember who) was staying with me in this room and she realized i was atheist and was like you're evil. Don't remember the details. I just tried to talk to her and stuff. Then i had a dream that i may have had before but it was with someone new. They were going to have me tortured because i've dated Jazzy. They had some guy with spiders who was going to torture me. I don't know who it was. I remembered that Josh had done this before and i didn't deserve any more torture. I don't know if i've actually had another dream where Josh torturd me but in this dream he and someone else had, and this new kid was going to.

My dreams are weird...

No. 93

I just woke up from the saddest dream. My dad was picking me up from school or something and i noticed his driving got weird (and we lived back on my old street) and he almost hit Ethan's dad's car while it was parked in the driveway but he got beeped at. Then i noticed his driving get swirvey and he was losing consciousness. I yelled and told him to stop driving and get out of the car. I dragged him back to Ethan's house and his heart was racing and i didn't know what to do. He was dying. For some reason i think this whole heart racing thing had happened before, i just didn't know which time would be the last. So i asked Ethan's dad and he told me that we should get rid of all the extra crap in the house. I think he meant we should live a simpler life and my dad needed to relax. Yeah, i think i'm going to go back to sleep. I'm still pretty tired.

Last night i felt like crap. I just felt so lonely and i just couldn't shake it.

No. 92

My last poem on this fictionpress profile! Then there's all the ones on my account for poems about Jazzy. Can't wait. Then after that there's all the ones that haven't been published. One review.

andiftheyygetme (2005-06-11): "i remember this. you have talent, danny. pure poetic talent."

Modified: Thu 27 May 2004 05:53:22 PM EDT
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1934560/1/Stuck (06-08-05)

Stuck

Humor me and say you hate me because I have been thinking lately
Love is my weakness, caring makes me vulnerable
So should I care?
The ups and downs are endless
But having what I got
I just end up getting hurt
A long time ago
I would never have been able to let go
But now I’m not so sure
‘Cause I don’t see that it’s much that I got to live for.

Yea so you say I still have my family
But I’m in greed and that’s not enough
And besides
It’s my weakness.
I would gladly hand my life away
Or shall I keep it from you for a temporary dismay.
Do I care?

Or shall I lay,
Deep in a hole
Under what my world just had to weigh…

No. 91

So this is another one of those colorful ones. One comment... did i have an online thing with that Paulina girl? Oh crap, did i?

iwillspontaneouslycombust (2005-06-08): "aww, danny that was so good. i am SO jealous, like i wish i could write still. but, i cant.

:'(

i love you."

Modified: Thu 27 May 2004 06:19:10 PM EDT
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1933884/1/Welcome (06-07-05)

Welcome

Don’t call it hate or call it sad,
It isn’t death and it isn’t fear.
Don’t call the cops, on what you hear,
It’s not so big but very near.
Its growing here and there and all around,
It sits there hanging in the air.
The smell of flesh
Fresh and clear,
On the ground scattered pulled-out hair,
You are welcome to this lair,
Of hanging children, everywhere...

Next one, zero reviews!

Modified: Sat 16 Oct 2004 11:59:30 PM EDT
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1933887/1/Tonight (06-07-05)

tonight
a fire will rise
that will be seen through every man's eyes
it will burn and grow through each of our hearts
you hear it now,
the fire,
it starts.
It tears us down
and rips us apart
in the flames we will drown
and then a new sin will start.

Two comments on this next one. I'm pretty sure it was written for school.

flobbin (2005-06-08): "yay trees! tasty poem. too true. last time i hugged a pine i got sap in my hair. but that will all be better when i shave my head"
kiwitastrophy (2005-08-27): "That makes me grimace in the too true of it. I wanna kiss a tree."

Not sure why robin posten anonymously there. Or pseudoanonymously.

Yeah this was written for school. My local copy says:

Danny P.

5-6-04

Sec. 2

In the upper right hand corner. 

Modified:  Fri 07 May 2004 05:08:12 PM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1933889/1/Surrounding_Green (06-07-05)

Surrounding Green

They stand tall like soldiers of green and brown.

The air is still but full of life.

Leaves rustle and I smell the distant scent of fresh pine,

As a barely noticeable breeze blows.

Birds chirp and life is everywhere,

But then it all stops.

The air hangs silent,

You feel something coming.

Rumbling.

You hear the groaning and moaning of the machines.

The ground shakes and the flapping of wings turns you around.

The birds fly past you and you see them.

They have come for the surrounding green.

No. 90

Hooray (pre)teen angst! One review-- fictionpress seems to censor everything.
and if theyy get me (2005-06-07): "i think i've read this before.. its really really good. youre an amazing writer, danny. its.. angry.. damn u were **."

Crap i just saved over it for spelling and lost the modified date. Lesson learned.
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1933822/1/Beating_on_a_Pillow (06-07-05)

Beating on a Pillow

Why am I here?
Because of you
Because I hate you.
Because I'd have to be perfect
and not want a thing
to satisfy you
You control my life
You've made me depend on you
and blind me without good reason
I'm not allowed to get mad
But here I am and I hate you
My anger brews silent
while the hate screams in my head
I dreamed I was mute every time I wanted to scream
Because I cannot scream at you
Oh I wish I had a knife
I want to scream so loud I spit in your face
Until you could feel the scream like a knife
twisting under your ribs
disorienting you
What if I ran away?
have you ever thought about what's stopping me?
You give me your damn reasons
your excuses just plain lame
I'm afraid you'll just take more of my life away
So here I lay
You don't even know me
Your own son
Who are you?
What if I grew past these fears?
could I face you with a gun?
would you ever see behind these tears?
or will I choose to run?
So i'm forced to lie here
Sick of what you said
Suffocating in blankets and sheets
beating on this pillow..
..Oh, how I wish it was your head.

This one has one review and it appears it as an apology poem. Not positive for who or sure what for though.

andiftheyygetme (2005-06-11): "this is really good"

Not sure why she posted anonymously. It appears to be an apology poem although i'm not positive for who or sure for what.

Modified: Tue 07 Jun 2005 09:11:24 PM EDT
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1933837/1/Heatless (06-07-05)

Heartless
(The Way Things Were Meant to Be)

I'm sorry

It wasn't you

I cannot see

Was it me

or just the way that things

were simply meant to be

 

I cried to the clouds

they heard my painful plea

and in return I got change

and it was that which set me free

So now I learn what I thought I knew

Be careful what you wish to be

And now I'm free

but I can't see

As I wonder

Who ever said

The way things were truly meant to be...

But this is me,

And I really am sorry.

No. 89

Only one review this time and it's by someone i don't know. Man, these reviews are worthless. I'd get compliments from friends because they were my friends and compliments from people i didn't know because they wanted the same thing from me.

Slowly Sinking (2005-06-07): "Very powerful opening, intriguing ending. Good poem."

Modified: Tue 07 Jun 2005 01:13:50 PM EDT
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1933421/1/Lost (06-07-05)

Lost

I don't know who I am anymore I am alone Should I come back to this world and live it as reality or should I stay here and drown. Could I learn to breathe underwater or should I set my feet on the ground Don't help me I'm on my own now I started Innocent, as we all do And I grew to love and to hate as well Then I let go, to set things straight but I lovst my love, along with hate. So now, I am by myself To tell my fate...

This next one i remember i wrote in poetry club. I think we all wrote down a subject (or first word maybe?) and drew them from a hat or something. I got 'pie'. Three reviews. First and last by people i don't know.

Elizabeth Bilberry (2005-06-07): "hmm i find this amusing and thought provocative...

EB"

and if theyy get me (2005-06-07): "ah.. its so good... but it makes me think of larvae, dying children, and rabid mice. but its good. its defintly good."

asanoharu (2005-06-07): "Very yummy. :D

I really like this."

I'm not going to bother fixing anything about this.

Modified: Tue 07 Jun 2005 08:46:38 PM EDT
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1933804/1/Pie (06-07-05)

Pie
hangs on a thread above the Earth-deep pit
before the eyes of the starving,
chained prisoner.
Confused, they can,
only smell the precious pie.
Remembering the last time they tasted such sweetness and delicacy of the lips of a lost lover.
The Pie,
Their mind,
they lost,
Dangles over the pit.

-Hungry consumers chew on the knife

No. 88

This next one i had to change because it was so messy. I didn't do anything major. I just capitalized each line and fixed spelling-- i didn't even bother with the punctuation. Two reviews.

and if theyy get me (2005-04-07): "danny, u kick **. major cookies points for you. this is awesome, scary, but an amazing piece of writing. im so happy youre writing again :D!"
Sat Hari (2005-04-09): "whoa...really good...and great vocabulary, and also all too true. you might want to go through it again just to change typos and crap. also, you mean "whether" not "weather" "

Modified: Sat 09 Apr 2005 07:40:20 PM EDT
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1879872/1/smog (04-07-05)

An important warning note to the people of today to save the people of tomorrow

Oh look tonight
Through the misty sky
A heavy fog
But my throat is dry
The moon tonight glows an orangey red
From the window I watch
For it's not safe to go outside
For any more than the half an hour
Your regulator allows you out
The clean up projects have all failed
The world is a mess
We're all trapped inside
While most everything outside dies
We know we will all die
It is past recovery and all projects have failed
Our once needed sun
Now kills us
Some of us cant take it and let ourselves die
Some of us wait
Some of us go crazy
But all of us cry
Whether or not we show it
We miss our beautiful world
That we never got to see
We've only heard stories
And maybe a few of the elders claim they've seen the clean time
But in total theres probably none who really know
They're just old,
Well,
They're old and full of stories
Some don't believe the stories
But there are documents proving them true
Some can't do anything but blame past generations for our caged lifestyle
The world is worn out and down
By past presidents
And wars
Apathetic industrializers
Ignorance and idiocracy
Greed and corruption
The world is over-churned
So,
Why does the moon shine
In its orangey glow
This glow tonight
Just like every other night
Eerie
The stars no longer shine so bright
Do the gods hate us?
Have we done wrong?
Is hell taking over?
Is there a dark magic?
Oh no,
This was our doing.
Its just pollution.

No. 87

This is another one i wrote about Robin. I don't think there are any more about her but we'll see. I've got 4 reviews on this one. I don't know the first two people.

Youneek (2005-04-07): "Yeowch!! You're 13?! No way. Judging from the maturity of your writing, I would have guess you to be about 16-18 at least.

I love the imagery you've weaved into this poem. And actually, I don't know if you know it yet, but this could be turned into a topographical poem -very- easily. And actually, I think you had that in mind when you wrote it, but didn't quite know what you were trying to do.

If you don't know what topographical poetry is, follow this link: http://w.deviantart.com/deviation/16950742/ Or this one: http://w.deviantart.com/deviation/16891623/

You're a smart kid. I think you can figure out how this poem can be spaced and moved about differently to change its meaning.

E-mail or IM me if you decide to take my advice. I'd love to see the finished product."
Yorba Linda (2005-04-07): "Wow...That's all I can say. It's very descriptive, and I get images in my head, very good! Loved it"
and if theyy get me (2005-04-07): "yes isnt she mezmerizing. great poem i might add."
Lizzy (2005-07-08): "wow. I think I've said it before. but why must you be so good at this? like, remember that night you read me a few of your poems? I'm afraid to share mine with you, coz i feel like they're so not good.damn."

Oof, Jazzy. And oh yeah, it turns out Lizzy's profile wasn't gone, she was just reviewing anonymously.

Modified: Sun 03 Apr 2005 10:45:00 AM EDT
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1879858/1/electric (04-07-05)

Electric

Open your eyes

Look up into mine

The blue-green beauty

Exceptional shine

Around each pool of turquoise

Runs a spark of electric yellow

Fixating the electricity on me

Your sparks

Light my fire

You’re electric

You fried my wires

Falling through space

Drawn by the static pull

Tumbling through this electric void

Tingling all over

Drifting, dreaming

Breathless

Weightless

Painless

Bliss

I can feel you

As you approach me

Sneaking up behind me

The scent of your hair tickling my senses

I feel you brush by me

Gently swiftly wisp air past me

Tantalizing touch

Enticing as such

Tease me so much

Approach me

In the rain

Through the mist

Look me in the eye

Trap me in your electric gaze

Transfixed by you

As always

Your riveting image

Spellbinding

Mesmerize me

Pull me closer

Kiss

And I am fused to you

Caught to this kiss

Entranced in the dance of our tongues

Fixed between our touching lips

The electricity flows though me

And I’m held captive

The shock runs up my spine

Tingle through my fingertips

Onto your sweet smooth hips

Electric air

Through raindrops near and far

To another flame

Of a deeper love

That could exist nowhere

but here

Jolting through the ground

Across the world it’s found

This burst of love from our hour bound

Your electricity. 

I really don't like that stanza with the frying of wires...it's like some corny pop song or something.

No. 86

So the fictionpress link to "Awake In a Dream" that i posted before was to a version that preceded the one that i posted here on the  blog (and the copies that i had on my computer). The difference was it was missing the lines,

In tears you passed though me
And I could bear it no longer
The strain too great for my head
I needed to feel you and hold you once more
And then it'd be fine
And I could drop dead
I could fall asleep
Finally just for it all to end
Dead asleep in this dream
Never to wake up.

but here's the "edited" version. It has three reviews.

sunscraped. (2005-01-08): "Yeah, she's right... you could replace it with slip away? Hmm... tough one. Very nice poem, I might add. Good work... Now I need to review your others. Hey, I typed it right. Finally...~!"

Sat Hari (2005-01-11): "WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD? did you eat magic beans? if you did, gimme some, fast...

i still think you should change the drop dead, but its still amazingly good. i trade you some chicken for some magic beans..."

and if theyy get me
 (2005-01-17): "AH damn you! youre so good!! awesome poem!! yah.. the drop dead is too... well...drop dead. give it some elegance. i tihnk slip away is a good idea too. or something like lie down...idk... whatever its good"

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1799754/1/Awake_In_A_Dream_edited (01-04-05)

No. 85

Okay, here's another one on the bad end of the bad spectrum. It has three reviews.
First by Paulina (2005-01-04): "oh my ** god. that was yet again...astounding. what the hell is your problem? how hte hell can you write so perfect, so emotionally, so...beautiful. it all comes together. if i have an idea ill try it but nothing comes out right anymore. remember when i used to write? and when we would exchange poetry? i cant write anymore. all that ** was so bad. i could not write. and now im left with writers block since then. SINCE THEN. i mean how long can it last? it seemsm like forever. i hate it. its like you can only put depression into so many words...and i used them all up. in in the ** worst poetry ever. i want to write so much, i really need to get that kind of release for my emotions...

im sorry you had to hear all that, i dont have the heart to delete it. its just, like, i dont know, i cant take it anymore, im so ... empty.

i love you for putting up with me.

*sigh*...ANYWAYS, this poem, oh my god. the last line is the best part.

X_x paulina"
Next, Jazzy (2005-01-17): "awesome poem. very angry. i liek it. im noticing that you use the word "thrill" a lot in your poems. damn...i wanna write liek that"
Last, Janling (2005-01-30): "-blinks- That's something..."

Modified: Mon 03 Jan 2005 09:46:46 PM EST
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1799002/1/I_will_live (01-03-05)

I Will Live

I will live

Pull my eyes from my head,

Tear my tongue out,

Slit my wrists,

Lacerate my throat,

Stab me in the heart,

I won't die

You will.
Your heart, with stones, I will fill.

Do what you want,

Carve me up,

You miserable FUCK

You'll still die first

And your screams will be shrill

Try me to kill

I’m telling you now

Just give me the pain

I'll still live

I find it a thrill

As long as the blood still spills...

No. 84

This took me a while to figure out but i got it. There are two reviews.

The first is by Robin (2005-01-03): "I swear I'm almost crying it's so sad. Its very beautiful and so much emotion behind it...One of your best, I love it, love it, love it. Amazing, you're so freaking good..."

The second by Paulina (2005-01-04): "danny, this is amazing. i nearly cried as i read your words. i should come back here more often, i see what i was missing. if that is actually true and if it did happen to you, im so sorry. i have had htings like that happen to me so many times...we should talk more often. i cant even find a word to describe this, im speechless. or typeless. anyways, yeah. i wish i could write as well as you can.

lovepaulina"

This one got a little confusing for me. There were two backup copies that i couldn't open and i didn't realize i had the originals. Then when i found the originals, i had three of them. I compared them and the second one just adds the line, "The strain too great for my head" and the last one just seems to be in a different front than the second and doesn't have the title at the top (which is the one on fictionpress).

Version 1, Modified: Tue 22 Feb 2005 02:56:32 PM EST

Version 2, Modified: Tue 22 Feb 2005 02:56:26 PM EST

Version 3, Modified: Tue 04 Jan 2005 09:00:48 PM EST

Weird, right? The old ones were last modified after the new one.

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1798868/1/Awake_In_A_Dream (01-03-05)

Awake In a Dream

I saw the girl,
I went with her.
I knew not who she was nor where we were headed.
She took me to a place I can't describe
A faint memory
Of a lone car ride
It was a dead end
The pain was sharp
But short and sweet
I fell to the ground
Or something quite like it
My life flashed before my eyes
And there I was awake,
Still alive
But this dream I was in
Left me numb
So desperate to feel
The cool breeze,
The freezing chill
My lifeless body
Against cold hard steel
I left my body,
Not knowing where lies still
Now I was gone
Disappeared
Vanished from this air
But I was still watching
From everywhere
I saw you
Pass though your life
Falling apart, piece by piece
Trying so desperately to escape
As desperate as I wanted to come back
With the world coming to an end just as you said
In tears you passed though me
And I could bear it no longer
The strain too great for my head
I needed to feel you and hold you once more
And then it'd be fine
And I could drop dead
I could fall asleep
Finally just for it all to end
Dead asleep in this dream
Never to wake up.
I needed to be there
I wanted with you
But now I'm not so sure,
That that is so true.
I painfully watched your lives pass
Sore without the life of me,
Powerless in such agony
Just wanted to be that hero
In that dream,
I never got to be.

Reading these, i feel like there has to be something to the words. Maybe meaning by mistake? Well, not mistake, but the whole idea of just recieving meaning fom the reader and not the writer.

No. 83

I've got three reviews on this next poem. The first is by someone who i don't know and hasn't reviewed anything before.
LilLaTLuv (2004-12-06): "Hey!

Interesting. Weird. But interesting. I like it. Keep that kind of work up. The rhyming is right up my alley. Love it.

Luv ya,Tashi :)"
The next is also by someone i don't know, but they've reviewed me before.
sunscraped. (2005-01-08): "M, I like the metaphors and imagery... in some places, the rhythm is a bit broken, but other than that it is a wonderful poem.~!"
The last is by Jazzy (2005-01-17): "great poem. flows a little wierd at the beginning though..."

Modified: Wed 05 Jan 2005 11:03:12 PM EST
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1776577/1/Silent_Sirens (12-06-04)

This powem was called "Listen" but i changed that.

Silent Sirens

Listen Listen, don’t you hear?

The silent sirens of a plane you can’t steer

So you’re set on auto-pilot

You have no knowledge

And therefore no fear

Of the collision course your set on

With those you hold dear

You ignorant fool

This fate draws quite near

Can you finally realize,

What you cannot hear?

Now take control

And don’t let go

For you are saved

Your withering soul

Set on the path

Nearly to down below

A fool you remain

But a fool that is free

Because you heard the silent sirens

Even though you're not me.

No. 82

I wrote this next one because my dad smokes. It has 4 reviews.
The first it by Robin (2004-12-06): "Thats really good for a subject like that, and something that affects you so much."
The next one is by Paulina who i met online through fictionpress i think, either that or MySpace or some shit, who was like goth and we stopped talking after i bitched out at her for doing drugs and being friend with Isaac Klickstein.

iwillspontaneouslycombust (2004-12-17): "wow danny, this poem was amazing. i see what i was missing by not reading much of your work lately, remember when we used to show our all the time? i miss it. this was beautifully written itll go on my faves list.

=)

paulina"
This one is by Jazzy (2005-01-17): "its so sad! smoking is terrible. you should show yuor dad if you havnt yet..."
This last on i'm pretty sure is by Janling since she is "kiwiblue" on last.fm
kiwitastrophy (2005-01-30): "Waah~Very deep."

Modified: Wed 05 Jan 2005 11:01:14 PM EST
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1775995/1/Up_In_Smoke (12-05-04)

Up In Smoke

Bathe In Petroleum
As just the same
Light the end with one small flame
Take a puff
Then breathe out
Have a whole pack
Maybe two, or even three
Smoke it all, as it smokes you
Just smoke yourself away
You hadn’t got a clue
Waking up each morning unsure if you’d die that day
Breathe your last breath
Drop the cigarette
It falls along a trail of ash
And the fire casts a silhouette
Up in smoke
You suffocate
Your mind soon to burst
Pupils contract
Eyes open wide
Veins grow tight
A tear streams down your face
And you are young again
Back to when you fell to this fatal addiction
You look through the Smokey air
Past the fiery flames
And there you see it
Death
You see death
And its death you’ve met
To be left in a pit
Your fate, forever, set
All because of the first cigarette lit.

It's a bit intense for being about my dad if you ask me. Still, smoking is bad.

No. 81

Okay this next poem isn't even poetry. It's a piece of shit. I have no idea what the fuck i was thinking. Again, it has two reviews, not by the same two people though.

The first one is by someone i don't know.
arbysauce93 (2005-01-02): "Very interesting style on the poem. It is definately introspective and original, and though I personally do not agree with it all for me, it is good to see your views. The last two lines were great. Good job. Keep writing!"
The next by Jazzy (2005-01-17): "interesting... quite depressing really. its makes me feel gray inside..."

Modified: Mon 29 Nov 2004 03:49:18 PM EST
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1770804/1/Just_think_about_it (11-29-04)

Just Think About It

Realtity? Bullshit.
dreams? dreams?
Feelings? real.
Love? pain.
friends? hate
Pleasure? torture.
time? none.
place? alone.
unity? independence.
fate? lies.
uniqueness? singular.
belief? one.
heart? dead.
soul? dark.
blood? cold.
life? hell.
good? corruption.
me? nothing.
nothing? truth.

No. 80

More poetry coming through. I don't even know whether to laugh or to cry. I think this one i wrote about Robin. It has to reviews.
Robin (2004-11-27): "I like the fact that it is very detailed then it says that it is actually a dream, or just a thought. It adds a good twist."
Jazzy (2005-01-20): "hmm... nice poem."

heh heh...
Modified: Sun 14 Nov 2004 04:28:30 PM EST
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1767574/1/On_that_Summer_Night (11-25-04)

On that summer night,
With that sweet summer breeze,
Like a dream it was,
Waves gently rolling up our legs,
Sand between our toes,
Accompanied the ocean spray
Rising from behind the rocks,
And some lonely crickets behind a rose.
We gaze at the stars and the half hidden moon,
And as we talk I listened,
To how beautiful your voice sounded with our entire surrounding world.
As you talk I turned to you,
And saw how beautiful you were,
Soon I realized how beautiful everything about you really was to me.
Then as I respond, you turn to me and reveal more than half of your smile.
Then as the sand gently brushes against our skin the scent of your perfume filled the ocean air.
Your hair blown by the breeze,
I instinctively stroked the hair from your face and continued stroke your smooth skin,
Down your face, to your neck,
Down your shoulder and side,
And to your leg as you rest it upon mine.
I do not take my eyes from yours and then I smiled sweetly and we went on from there.
I remember it so clearly for something that did not really happen.
So I lay there alone,
Thinking it isn’t fair,
Wishing you were there,
Lying by my side,
To make it fair, everything fair, more than fair.
I realize as we gaze up at the same sky, same moon, same stars,
That somehow we were looking up at each other, breathing the same earthly air.
So every night if we look to the sky,
We can be with each other.
So no matter what you do,
Remember,
Look to the sky,
And I will too.
And I will wish that my dream will come true.
Make my dream come true,
With nobody,
Nobody but you. 

No. 79

I was just lying in bed trying to fall asleep and i was feeling sad and sorry about the world as usual, but then i thought about Jazzy. I don't know why i did, but i did, and...i didn't feel anything. I wanted to, but i didn't. Am i over her? It was an uncomfortable lack of feeling. Losing what i had for the only girl i've ever felt that way about just feel weird i guess. I don't know-- i'm tired. Maybe i just want to feel in love again. I wonder what's up with my feelings for Robin. I mean before i thought i liked her, but after thining it over, i realized that i didn't really. We'd never work out, even if she was straight. I don't think so anyways, but now i can't remember why not. Robin and Jazzy, the only two people i ever really thought i loved. Have i moved on? Ah, these thoughts aren't coming out clearly. I'm just confused.

No. 78

So i was about to start publishing more poetry but the next one up on fictionpress wasn't on my local machine and the copy on fictionpress isn't properly formatted and stuff. I went downstairs to check that computer and it wasn't there either. I guess i'll have to just use the copy from fictionpress and i can guess how it was formatted and i can correct the spelling while i'm at it.

It has 4 reviews. The first two are by people i don't know.
eternal.moonlit.haze (2004-03-13): "Good job! I like it quite a lot!"
ScarletFirezSorceress (2004-03-13): Hey, this is great. I liked it alot. Keep writing."
The next is by Robin (2004-11-26): ...and you say you suck! You are wicckkeddly good so keep writing!
The last one by Jazzy (2005-01-17):"AH I HATE YOU! youre so freakin good. no fair :( anyways... amazing poem. did you change the ending?"

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1549841/1/Faded (03-13-04)

Faded

I look into the mirror,
And all that I can see,
Another soul,
Trapped hollow within the trapped hollow me.

Torn photographs,
Faded images,
Shaded pictures,
Blood red eyes.
The crimson stare,
With the heat of a flare,
Teaching a lesson,
Telling a story,
To nobody there.

Shattered Glass of a broken mirror,
Reflecting broken fate,
Un-told,
To be written once again.
Slowly unfolds,
As the past unwinds,
Changes and is re-written,
Refreshed and rewinds.

Show you into me,
Through my eyes.
Never to see what is really there.
Embrace my frozen cold soul,
Show me meaning,
Show me truth,
Show me everything,
Show me.

Guide me through the chaos of my mind,
My body broken,
My spirit shallow,
My soul in shadow,
My heart hollow,
Myself nothing.

My lungs closing in on themselves,
The air impossible to breathe,
Suffocate me in suffering,
Drown me in my blood,
Let me go.
I'm with you always,
And now you can always be with me.
I am reduced to the nothing I have always been.
The truthful lies come,
And the lying truth goes.
Go through me,
See within me.
Who am I?
See no one.

Look through the emptiness to find it full of me.
Pass through my worthless image,
My voice unheard.
Gone with me.
Away to the nowhere,
Where I'll always be.

Don't bother looking,
I won't bother to hide.
Either way you'll never find me.
My call was left unanswered,
And now so shall be yours.
I am nothing.
I am nowhere.
I am gone.
I am not.

So, i guessed on the stanzas and fixed the few really bad spelling mistakes, but i'm not about to work on actually fixing up these things. They're not good, and they don't make a lot of sense, but that's okay. I'm not putting these up because i'm proud of my work. As i already said, they all sound awkward and don't have a lot of meaning. They're just memories of the way things were. Perhaps i'll start writing again.

No. 77

Since we're on the topic of poetry, i feel like this is a good time to post the qestion, can something be written with no meaning but given all meaning by the reader? I mean all poetry, meaningful or not, deep or shallow, is just words. I guess you could answer the question simply. Meaningful words are given meaning by the readers, but the chances of something written without meaning to gain meaning from the reader are slim.That wasn't worded very eloquently, i know.

This one is titled, "Without Fear". Modified: Tue 25 May 2004 06:17:58 PM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1549473/1/Without_Fear (03-12-04)

I suspect it was about Jazzy. It has three reviews. The first is by Robin (2004-12-04):

God job! I told you that you were better than me. I don't quite understand...is this about losing somebody along with coping with fear? who are you losing?

This one is by Jazzy (2005-01-17):

your writing is so good! how are you able to fit so much emotion and confusion into words liek that? damn youre talented. btw you need to check the spelling in your poems lol. i think the "Dan't" shuodl be "Can't" lol

This one is by Lizzy  (2005-07-08):

you need to start writing again. like, really.

coz I want to hear more amazing poems.

xoxolizard

All the fear is real,

And all the fear is here,

Trapped inside my soul,

My greatest fear,

Of losing you forever,

Along with all my fear.

Fear keeps us going,

Our fear of the unknown,

The unknown being death,

For which I do not fear.

Only fear for losing it all,

All my fear,

All I want,

All I have,

All is you.

I can’t let go,

Can’t hold on,

To everything I cannot see,

Cannot feel,

Can’t go on,

Cannot know,

What’s to be,

To me,

For me,

In me,

By me,

Be me,

What’s me?

As time goes on,

My mind goes numb.

I cannot see ahead.

I cannot see behind.

I cannot,

With fear,

Nor without.

I cannot. 

 

Why did i start doing this at night? Now i'm going to be up all night and have a bitch of a time waking up for my dentist appointment tomorrow. 

Well, here's another one. Modified: Mon 07 Jun 2004 06:33:16 PM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1549839/1/Stab_My_Mind (03-13-04)

The only review is by Jazzy (2005-01-17): 

ah my head! its really really really really good. i love the last part, but i dont think the "dont let me fall" fits in rigt there. you need something before it. check your spelling also.

 This local copy i think is fixed for spelling and stuff.

Stab My Mind

So many questions.
Possibilities are endless.
Ask over and over for as long as you live.
They drive.
What matters?
Does it really?
Why?
Why?
Why?

What would I do?
Would I still be able to stand without your stable support?
Or does it matter since I’m already falling?
Into the endless darkness,
in the hole in my mind.

Flooded by questions but still prevail.

Mind.
Possibilities.
Truth.

Like daggers in my head,
leaving holes.
Almost nothing left to put a hole in.

My soul fading.
My heart ripped from my chest.
My blood,
cold,
slowly,
flowing,
through my entire lifeless image.

We ask even though we already know.
We don't ask when we don't know.
And anything in between.
Keep asking.
Keep answering.

The real answer to everything is right there.
NOTHING.

How do I feel?
I don't know.
Because I feel that I know.
I understand.
Do you?

It’s so simple.
So why do we go on?
What drives us?
Is it really the questions?
Well we still haven’t stopped asking
so we continue.
And never know.

Yet the answer is right there.
But why?
Why?
Why?

Can I really go on like this?
Can you?
Can we?
Can anyone?

I could go on forever.
Nonsense making sense about not making sense.

Everything that happens will happen,

Has happened,

Is happening,

Was bound to happen,
from a non-existing beginning.

Do what you will.
What will happen will.
We have no control.

We are slaves of a fictional reality dream world.

Is there an end?
What is the beginning?

Never forget.
Never remember.
Never ever.

Ever?
When?

Time.
How does it really work?

Everything
anything
nothing

Pull these blades out of my mindless mind and show me the answers.

If you are.

Fill these holes with the infinite answers to the endless questions.

Don't

Let

Me

Fall.

-Danny Piccirillo

No. 76

Continuing the poetry publishing. Sometimes i get the feeling that all of this (everything i do online, not just posting these silly poems) will be used against me. It doesn't seem right. 


Anyways, enjoy. Modified: Thu 08 Jul 2004 07:23:12 PM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1549396/1/Sleeping_Wonder (03-12-04)


There's one review by someone i don't believe i know, Aedyn Star (2004-11-24):

powerful. it reflect several things i believe in or feel myself. i really enjoyed this.

Sleeping wonder

Shattered hearts and tattered souls,

Awaken your resting mind.

Your sorrows come by fate,

As fate brings change,

And change with time.

What was, was,

And was supposed to be,

There’s no way to control the future.

You can waste your life doing absolutely nothing and prove nothing,

Or live it full and prove the same.

What you will do,

Will be done by you,

You have control on what is bound to happen.

The future is in the hands of all.

Believe and be strong.

Stand up,

And hold on,

Everybody falls,

Getting back up is what matters.

Live the life you were given,

As the gift it truly is.

Go where you can’t go,

See what you can’t see,

Do what you cannot do,

Feel what cannot be felt,

Be what cannot be.

Keep going,

Be yourself,

And be what only you can.

Your life was a gift,

As your presence is a gift to the world.

Life is just.

Balance is everywhere,

Hidden,

Periodically in plain sight.

Look to the sky,

See beyond the stars,

Look the world in the face.

Be free,

Feel what was put to feel.

Nothing happens by accident,

There is a reason for everything,

Don’t leave this world now just to see what is after,

Have patience,

Don’t rush yourself,

Live life full,

And share the same fate,

Destiny,

As all.

Awaken, sleeping wonder

Here's another happy *sarcasm* one. Modified: Thu 08 Jul 2004 07:30:38 PM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1549462/1/Blade (03-12-04)

This has two reviews. The first is by another unknown individual, sunscraped. (2004-03-12): 

Very good, but the question still lingers... Were you depressed when you wrote this?
-LXS

The next is by Jazzy (2005-01-17): 

great poem! i love the way you made it rhyme. its very dark and angsty, its amazing flow made me feel all happy inside! liek when i say the word "wretched" hehee WRETCHED! heh...yah. right. anyway. super good poem! the last line gave me chills

“Blade”

Lay me down,

Ice cold blade.

My reflection soon to fade,

On the side of a crimson blade.

End my pain,

Sharp silver blade.

Lay me down,

To fall asleep,

And never awake.

I’ve waited forever,

But the circle goes on,

An eternal cycle,

Through eternal dawn.

Maybe when the pain is gone,

Maybe rain be cast upon,

Maybe not rain but tears be drawn,

But maybe when it’s all gone,

Then maybe I’ll awaken at a new dawn,

Of another dream of reality.

So lay me down,

And watch me drown,

In my swelling seas of sorrow.

Save me,

My dammed cold blade.

I've still got a lot to go. I think two per post is a good number. Not sure if that's the best for commenting on them but whatever. You non-existant readers can deal.

No. 75

Hooray! More emo, existential, middle school poetry! 

Modified: Fri 11 Jun 2004 12:32:30 AM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1547830/1/Searching (03-10-04)

This one has two reviews. One by Jazzy (2005-01-17): 

"Something from the original abyss" "All balances equal to zero" Xer0 AbysS!

heehee i feel smart... Danny i have decided that it is unhealthy how good you are at writing. no fair! i wanna be amazing too!!

(My AIM screen name was Xer0 AbysS)

And one by Robin (2004-12-04): 

See? I told you that you were better than me, silly goose aicha!

Searching…

All this time I’ve been searching,

For something right under my nose.

The answers are right in front of my face.

That something never comes,

Never goes,

It never is,

Never was,

Never will,

Never lead to something.

Ever goes,

Ever is,

Ever was,

Ever will,

Ever leads to nothing.

Never goes,

Ever faces,

What the rest will.

Searching for nothing,

A nothing of something.

Something from the original abyss.

The nothingness from which all began.

All balances equal to zero.

So there really is nothing.

Something has to come,

Has to give up sometime.

So I go on,

Driven by nothing,

And I keep on looking,

For something,

That’s nothing,

That I don’t even know what it is.

But something keeps me going,

Without a reason.

So help me.

Continue my search,

My journey for me.

All lives to die.

But life fears death.

No way to stop the inevitable.

Something that is bound to happen,

Happen in time.

So stop time and erase all,

And prevent the unpreventable.

All will fade,

To an endless shade,

Of lifeless nothing,

Life defined to a blanket of gray,

Looking for a needle in a pile of hay,

Weighed to lay,

Behind the skies of day,

No way to pay,

No sun shone a single ray,

Like a single cookie on a tray,

A small child looking to play,

Go without delay,

A sheep killed with one last bray.

Fighting a dragon you are unable to slay,

Blinded by the way,

To nobody you pray,

Can’t think of what to say,

And nothing is okay.

Black no white in the zero world.

Searching for something in a huge mass of nothing.

This is the zero world.

Everything is balanced,

Equivalent to nothing.

But there is something.

It’s all there.

Yet equal to nothing.

So search on,

And find the answer that lures us.

Fulfill the question that drives us.

And reward us with the true knowledge,

Self-awareness,

Consciousness,

Pain of knowing.

Let your mind go.

Find

The

Truth

-Daniel Piccirillo

 Here's an especially colorful one. Modified: Wed 26 May 2004 04:59:38 PM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1549384/1/Crimson_Flow (03-12-04)

This also has two reviews. One if by someone who i don't know, Arayuldawen
(2004-03-12): 

wow, awesome poem. I like the rhyme scheme. It flows very nicely, from line to line, word to word. Good job. Lots of imagery.
~Arayuldawen~

And the other is by a "Lizard" who's profile no longer exists but whom i can only assume is Lizzy. (2005-07-08): 

this is one of the ones you read to me.Lovley way to get me to sleep, eh?it would give me plesant dreams.

but it has a wonderful flow to it.

fyi, if you were anyone else I'd worry about your...sanity. and I really would think you're depressed.

you know, I still do. worry about you, that is.oh whatever.love you! even if I don't always act like it.

“Crimson flow”

Crimson flow
Crimson flow

Drain my blood.
And don’t let go.
Let me dangle by my toes.
Hang me upside down to use me as a mark for bows.
Let the blood drip down below.

Crimson flow
Crimson flow

Down though the ground it shows,
The way on past where winds blow.
Start as a seed soon to grow,
To be a tree as now you know.

Crimson flow
Crimson flow

Blood red eyes with nothing there,
Emptied souls and spirits glow,
The killers hand may not be of a foe,
Just as much as a snail goes slow.

Crimson flow
Crimson flow

Time ticks on,
And the sun sets low.
Shadow roses tied together by a blood-dyed bow.
On your white shirt my blood stains show,
But you can hide the knife,
Without a hello.

Crimson flow
Crimson flow

Slit my throat,
Rip my heart from my chest,
Let my mangled soul go.
Put my spirit to rest,
Let my blood flow,
That crimson flow
Crimson flow

This process is taking forever. Copying my local copy on my laptop to Google docs and then to blogger and linking to fictionpress. *sigh*