This is another one i wrote about Robin. I don't think there are any more about her but we'll see. I've got 4 reviews on this one. I don't know the first two people.
Youneek (2005-04-07): "Yeowch!! You're 13?! No way. Judging from the maturity of your writing, I would have guess you to be about 16-18 at least.
I love the imagery you've weaved into this poem. And actually, I don't know if you know it yet, but this could be turned into a topographical poem -very- easily. And actually, I think you had that in mind when you wrote it, but didn't quite know what you were trying to do.
If you don't know what topographical poetry is, follow this link: http://w.deviantart.com/deviation/16950742/ Or this one: http://w.deviantart.com/deviation/16891623/
You're a smart kid. I think you can figure out how this poem can be spaced and moved about differently to change its meaning.
E-mail or IM me if you decide to take my advice. I'd love to see the finished product."
Yorba Linda (2005-04-07): "Wow...That's all I can say. It's very descriptive, and I get images in my head, very good! Loved it"
and if theyy get me (2005-04-07): "yes isnt she mezmerizing. great poem i might add."
Lizzy (2005-07-08): "wow. I think I've said it before. but why must you be so good at this? like, remember that night you read me a few of your poems? I'm afraid to share mine with you, coz i feel like they're so not good.damn."
Oof, Jazzy. And oh yeah, it turns out Lizzy's profile wasn't gone, she was just reviewing anonymously.
Modified: Sun 03 Apr 2005 10:45:00 AM EDT
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1879858/1/electric (04-07-05)
Youneek (2005-04-07): "Yeowch!! You're 13?! No way. Judging from the maturity of your writing, I would have guess you to be about 16-18 at least.
I love the imagery you've weaved into this poem. And actually, I don't know if you know it yet, but this could be turned into a topographical poem -very- easily. And actually, I think you had that in mind when you wrote it, but didn't quite know what you were trying to do.
If you don't know what topographical poetry is, follow this link: http://w.deviantart.com/deviation/16950742/ Or this one: http://w.deviantart.com/deviation/16891623/
You're a smart kid. I think you can figure out how this poem can be spaced and moved about differently to change its meaning.
E-mail or IM me if you decide to take my advice. I'd love to see the finished product."
Yorba Linda (2005-04-07): "Wow...That's all I can say. It's very descriptive, and I get images in my head, very good! Loved it"
and if theyy get me (2005-04-07): "yes isnt she mezmerizing. great poem i might add."
Lizzy (2005-07-08): "wow. I think I've said it before. but why must you be so good at this? like, remember that night you read me a few of your poems? I'm afraid to share mine with you, coz i feel like they're so not good.damn."
Oof, Jazzy. And oh yeah, it turns out Lizzy's profile wasn't gone, she was just reviewing anonymously.
Modified: Sun 03 Apr 2005 10:45:00 AM EDT
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1879858/1/electric (04-07-05)
Electric
Open your eyes
Look up into mine
The blue-green beauty
Exceptional shine
Around each pool of turquoise
Runs a spark of electric yellow
Fixating the electricity on me
Your sparks
Light my fire
You’re electric
You fried my wires
Falling through space
Drawn by the static pull
Tumbling through this electric void
Tingling all over
Drifting, dreaming
Breathless
Weightless
Painless
Bliss
I can feel you
As you approach me
Sneaking up behind me
The scent of your hair tickling my senses
I feel you brush by me
Gently swiftly wisp air past me
Tantalizing touch
Enticing as such
Tease me so much
Approach me
In the rain
Through the mist
Look me in the eye
Trap me in your electric gaze
Transfixed by you
As always
Your riveting image
Spellbinding
Mesmerize me
Pull me closer
Kiss
And I am fused to you
Caught to this kiss
Entranced in the dance of our tongues
Fixed between our touching lips
The electricity flows though me
And I’m held captive
The shock runs up my spine
Tingle through my fingertips
Onto your sweet smooth hips
Electric air
Through raindrops near and far
To another flame
Of a deeper love
That could exist nowhere
but here
Jolting through the ground
Across the world it’s found
This burst of love from our hour bound
Your electricity.
I really don't like that stanza with the frying of wires...it's like some corny pop song or something.
No comments:
Post a Comment