Breaking out of this shell will be hard. I have distanced myself because everyone i could talk to has some association with Jazzy in my head. Eli and Donnie have dated her. Will, Berman, Eli (obviously), have hooked up with her. Hamilton and Eli have even happened to go skinny dipping with her and some people, though from what i've heard there wasn't an especially good view. Atenia was super close with her and Robin and those people are good friends with her. All of that is just off the top of my head. As much as Jazzy isn't in my life, she is still all around me and i can't get her away. I don't think that if i did that would fix anything though.
Nothing would change even if this wasn't true.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
No. 55
I finally fell apart this weekend. After watching the trailers for FFXIII for the first time in over a year, i've picked up playing FFX again since i never got around to beating it. I started over from the beginning and Nick saw and wanted to play so i said he had to create a separate saved game for himself. Well, his game saved over my game, erasing over 10 hours of gameplay. Needless to say i was pissed, but it was pathetic, and i knew it. I got so upset, and then i just got more upset. I started thinking about everything and i just felt worse and worse. I didn't know what to do. I went up to my room and after a while i called Robin. The conversation isn't fresh in my mind now so forgive me is this is pretty choppy.
For the most part i wasn't talking much at first. I was trying my best to breathe but i was just so upset. She almost got me by asking if i was okay, but i've been asked that so many times i'm able to hold back my reaction. She even said that usually you can tell if someone's not okay because after you ask they'll just cry but she couldn't tell if i was crying because she wasn't there. I'm pretty sure she could tell though, even if she might not have been positive.
I went outside and it must have been around freezing temperature. There was snow on the ground and it sounded like it was sleeting. It shivered a lot for a while but then i got used to it and stopped. The cold numbed me out. It all made sense. I try to freeze myself when i get upset so i don't have to feel it anymore. After a little while i sent back inside and lied on the bed again.
Robin finally got me to talk. I told her about what happened with the stupid video game. I told her why it was like this. It's because losing this stupid game finally made me feel something after i've tried so hard and worked so long to not be able to feel anymore. That was it, i started crying.
It was the first time i'd cried in a while. I don't remember crying at all since last summer. Now it makes sense why everything emotional i see brings me to the brink of tears. It brings back feelings that i have suppressed. I've actually started listening to techno now and even that makes more sense now. On top of the fact that techno can help keep me a little more awake, it has for the most part no emotional value, and i am strongly moved by music.
A lot of the time she tried to get me to agree to get help from a therapist or try getting medicine. I've tried a therapist, what are they going to be able to tell me? Medicine doesn't feel right to me, i can't do something that doesn't feel right to me like this.
Finally we got to the point. Maybe a therapist could tell me what is causing all of this, she suggested. I don't need a therapist to tell me that, i replied. So she asked what it was...and i told her. The greater part of a year, is how long it took me to finally come out with it. I told her i never got over what happened between me and Jazzy.
She wasn't sure what i meant. She asked if i still loved her or was just torn up still or what. The way she asked made me feel a little bit awkward but I told her i didn't know how i feel.
Somehow, at some point, she asked if i'd ever thought about suicide. I paused. After a moment i replied, "Yeah...but not in a while." I told her what it was like to feel that way, and how it was just recently that realized that i stopped feeling suicidal, probably because i've gotten used to being alone. I talked to her about how it might not just be illogical thoughts. I assured her how i realized in Thailand that i could never allow myself to do it.
At one point she asked me what makes me happy. I stopped and thought. I didn't know. I have no idea what makes me happy. I couldn't think of a single thing. I explained that what's kept me going is my belief in doing what's right. What makes a person good is not doing everything they should do in society's terms, but doing everything that they can do for others. A person like that recognizes the obligation to do the right thing; to put others first.
I told her how no mater what, it was making that difference that kept me going, but that now, somehow even that isn't enough anymore. I didn't tell her how this whole mess makes me feel like a bad person. I didn't think anyone could get in the way of me doing the right thing, but Jazzy has.
Maybe it's because it doesn't feel right without her.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
No. 54
Something i forgot to mention: even though i haven't been feeling suicidal, things have been able to make me feel like crying really easily. I've only cried during a movie once in my life and that was because i was already so upset. Now, that still hasn't changed, but every time something the slightest bit emotional happens on any of those shows i've been watching, i instantly feel like i'm about to cry. I can't explain it. I don't know why it's been happening.
No. 53
Well, i haven't felt suicidal in a while. I think i've grown accustomed to how i act and feel now. I'm alone. I've started watching anime on Adult Swim. Watching it makes me feel better. The dissatisfaction i feel in my own life melts away when i'm watching these stories on the television screen. It's because i wish i could be a hero. I still don't know who i want to be, who i'm supposed to be. I don't know who i am.
I wonder what makes someone suicidal different. People don't think they could understand someone who was suicidal but i have been able to relate to people just fine without them knowing. I mean i see myself as really a logical person and not the type to give in into those sort of thoughts. Suicide seems so illogical
to people and maybe it is, but what is it that makes a person suicidal? Does logic really have anything to do with it? Is it mindset? Was i really suicidal?
Looking back on it, maybe it was logic, or maybe it was just mindset. Maybe it's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist.
Optimists and pessimists. I have an interesting take on these. Whoever says they're a realist is full of shit. Everyone has their own perception of what is realistic. Optimists are optimists because they tend to see things that way more than other people, but aren't they realists in their own eyes? The same goes for pessimists. Realists just like to sound like they're perception of what's realistic is more realistic that anyone else's.
When an optimist or pessimist recognizes that an idea of theirs might just be them being optimistic or pessimistic, they reveal they they do in fact know what is "more realistic". What optimists have is hope.
I wonder what makes someone suicidal different. People don't think they could understand someone who was suicidal but i have been able to relate to people just fine without them knowing. I mean i see myself as really a logical person and not the type to give in into those sort of thoughts. Suicide seems so illogical
to people and maybe it is, but what is it that makes a person suicidal? Does logic really have anything to do with it? Is it mindset? Was i really suicidal?
Looking back on it, maybe it was logic, or maybe it was just mindset. Maybe it's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist.
Optimists and pessimists. I have an interesting take on these. Whoever says they're a realist is full of shit. Everyone has their own perception of what is realistic. Optimists are optimists because they tend to see things that way more than other people, but aren't they realists in their own eyes? The same goes for pessimists. Realists just like to sound like they're perception of what's realistic is more realistic that anyone else's.
When an optimist or pessimist recognizes that an idea of theirs might just be them being optimistic or pessimistic, they reveal they they do in fact know what is "more realistic". What optimists have is hope.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
No. 52
Could there really be something wrong with me or can i blame my life for this? I might even be one to blame someone else in my position. Can you blame me for...not being able to get over a girl...loving someone unconditionally... Is this feeling that's sticking to me love? I'm not really sure why i just called it that. It mostly just feels like hate and disgust, sorrow and regret, and somehow still...hope?
Thursday, November 8, 2007
No. 51
So it's been a little while since i've written here. I just put it off like everything else. For a while i thought the best way to do this was to just write when i felt like it, and i'm starting to realize that maybe you really have to just do it-- even when you don't want to because it's not always the easiest thing to make yourself want to.
I wondered if Jazzy noticed me when i saw her. I'd bet we were both pretending like the other didn't exist. I wonder if she knew when i was pretending not to notice her. I almost wished she did.
You know why i'm bothered by my friends being friends with her? They side with her. Not that there's ever the opportunity for that to show now that nobody talks about it but if it were to get brought up, i can be damn sure they wouldn't take my side. Otherwise, they would see her differently than they do.
I've still been spending most of my time alone though i did hang out with Eli for the first time in a long time on Wednesday. A while ago i talked to him online. I told him that he might need to help me if things don't get better this winter. He was surprised. He didn't think i wanted that. Well i didn't. I explained to him how i am torn between desperately wanting everyone to know and not wanting anybody to know but the bottom line was that i didn't want to talk. I told him that i knew that if things got worse this winter, then i really wouldn't want to talk and that i worried that was potentially dangerous. I didn't want to wait before i told him because if i did, the next time i would be willing to talk might be too late.
He asked if i was telling him i was suicidal. I said no. I simply replied that if i had seasonal depression then i could get much worse than i already was. I told him that i would tell Robin too to be safe but i never ended up talking to her. After that i became even more distanced than i already was. I really stopped talking to people as much.
I went to Mr. Shehan a few times and we met with the school psychiatrist. He said i was depressed and needed to force myself to be more social even though i wouldn't feel like it. Eh.
Being alone so much, i've actually had a lot of random people just come up to me and start talking to me. It's weird. At some point i've been semi-close with so many people. I've drifted into so many groups of friends. I know so many people, and they all know me. Do they see me the way i am and feel bad? I don't know what it is but it feels almost surreal. I feel like i'm abusing that word though.
It sucks to see her.
It sucks even more to see her with him.
I don't like him. The fact that she does makes me see her a lot differently. He's not a good person. He's a "cool" person, and at one point i actually almost wanted to be friend with just for that, but he isn't a good person. A pirate? What the fuck? He doesn't care about others, he's an asshole, and he doesn't belong to a very nice crowd either.
She spoke to me. It started out like this:
She made everything that i loved, worth loving. I don't know if i can really be happy without her. It sure feels like that. She's the only person who could get in the way of what i knew i needed to do because it is the right thing to do. So maybe what i have to do is just go on because i have to, even if i can't be happy.
I really wish i could explain that better.
I wondered if Jazzy noticed me when i saw her. I'd bet we were both pretending like the other didn't exist. I wonder if she knew when i was pretending not to notice her. I almost wished she did.
You know why i'm bothered by my friends being friends with her? They side with her. Not that there's ever the opportunity for that to show now that nobody talks about it but if it were to get brought up, i can be damn sure they wouldn't take my side. Otherwise, they would see her differently than they do.
I've still been spending most of my time alone though i did hang out with Eli for the first time in a long time on Wednesday. A while ago i talked to him online. I told him that he might need to help me if things don't get better this winter. He was surprised. He didn't think i wanted that. Well i didn't. I explained to him how i am torn between desperately wanting everyone to know and not wanting anybody to know but the bottom line was that i didn't want to talk. I told him that i knew that if things got worse this winter, then i really wouldn't want to talk and that i worried that was potentially dangerous. I didn't want to wait before i told him because if i did, the next time i would be willing to talk might be too late.
He asked if i was telling him i was suicidal. I said no. I simply replied that if i had seasonal depression then i could get much worse than i already was. I told him that i would tell Robin too to be safe but i never ended up talking to her. After that i became even more distanced than i already was. I really stopped talking to people as much.
I went to Mr. Shehan a few times and we met with the school psychiatrist. He said i was depressed and needed to force myself to be more social even though i wouldn't feel like it. Eh.
Being alone so much, i've actually had a lot of random people just come up to me and start talking to me. It's weird. At some point i've been semi-close with so many people. I've drifted into so many groups of friends. I know so many people, and they all know me. Do they see me the way i am and feel bad? I don't know what it is but it feels almost surreal. I feel like i'm abusing that word though.
It sucks to see her.
It sucks even more to see her with him.
I don't like him. The fact that she does makes me see her a lot differently. He's not a good person. He's a "cool" person, and at one point i actually almost wanted to be friend with just for that, but he isn't a good person. A pirate? What the fuck? He doesn't care about others, he's an asshole, and he doesn't belong to a very nice crowd either.
She spoke to me. It started out like this:
9:03 PM Jazzy: hiShe said she still cared and wanted to help and wanted things to be good for me and just made me sick. I almost cried. Maybe i did cry. I don't remember. I don't think i've cried since Thailand. I don't know what to do. I still feel like she's the only person i can talk to, but i can't talk to her. I still haven't been able to get myself to change the background of my phone from our picture.
me: hi
Jazzy: how are you?
9:04 PM me: at this very moment, in general, or were you just asking for the sake of asking?
9:05 PM Jazzy: umm.. i dont know. in general/right now. i was just wondering how you are, in the broad sense of the expression.
9:06 PM me: at this very moment i am having heart palpitations, my legs are going numb, and my arms are going to shake right off. in general i don't really have any way of describing how i am. in my room most of the time
She made everything that i loved, worth loving. I don't know if i can really be happy without her. It sure feels like that. She's the only person who could get in the way of what i knew i needed to do because it is the right thing to do. So maybe what i have to do is just go on because i have to, even if i can't be happy.
I really wish i could explain that better.
Monday, October 29, 2007
No. 50
I felt different for a little bit today. I'm not sure what it was. Probably nothing.
You know it's so inconvenient to have such a strong reaction to the mere thought of someone. It's worse that all of my friends are friends with her, if not better friends with her. I don't know anymore. Either way, i've done the best i can to train myself not to think of her when i'm with a friend of mine, but it's still a challenge for me. It's like her essence rubs off on people. I can't be with my friends when she's there. I always have to remove myself anytime she's there. It sucks, but i do know that i can't directly blame her for this fact.
I envy Eli. I'm jealous of what he can do with his guitar. I'm jealous of how much people like him. He reminds me of the things i wish i could do. He reminds me that i have too much self-doubt to do anything or to be anyone. I wish i was good at something besides wasting time on the computer. I wish i spoke Japanese, and was a cunning linguist; i wish i was a child prodigy, a musician, a great singer, and speaker, an sharp intellectual, a swift martial artist, a comedian, a socialite, an avid reader, and writer, and someone with close friends, people who love him. I'm stuck between wanting to be so many different people, not knowing who i can be, and unsatisfied with who i am.
You know it's so inconvenient to have such a strong reaction to the mere thought of someone. It's worse that all of my friends are friends with her, if not better friends with her. I don't know anymore. Either way, i've done the best i can to train myself not to think of her when i'm with a friend of mine, but it's still a challenge for me. It's like her essence rubs off on people. I can't be with my friends when she's there. I always have to remove myself anytime she's there. It sucks, but i do know that i can't directly blame her for this fact.
I envy Eli. I'm jealous of what he can do with his guitar. I'm jealous of how much people like him. He reminds me of the things i wish i could do. He reminds me that i have too much self-doubt to do anything or to be anyone. I wish i was good at something besides wasting time on the computer. I wish i spoke Japanese, and was a cunning linguist; i wish i was a child prodigy, a musician, a great singer, and speaker, an sharp intellectual, a swift martial artist, a comedian, a socialite, an avid reader, and writer, and someone with close friends, people who love him. I'm stuck between wanting to be so many different people, not knowing who i can be, and unsatisfied with who i am.
Friday, October 26, 2007
No. 49
So going out with she who we do not name was tough. I was always making excuses and rationalizing parts of the relationship i wasn't satisfied with. One of these things, was our first kiss. It was the greatest moment of my life. My first kiss was with her...but her first kiss was not with me. It might have been with Josh or Sam depending on how you look at it. Anyways, i had this idea built up in my mind that i would be able to live with that as long as we would lose our virginities to each other in the end. It's hard to get something like that out of your skull even though it's unlike me to just want to fuck someone. Sometimes i think that it would satisfy that messed up "comfort conception" i have or something like that but just thinking about her makes me sick. The trouble is, i can't think about anything within the area of sex without thinking of her. As you could imagine, thinking about anyone else is...uncomfortable. I don't think that' what keeps me from having feelings for anyone else though. I just genuinely don't feel anything for anyone but her. What i feel for her, i have not idea how to describe, but there's nothing that i feel for anyone else.
Well, i just made some progress. I had been thinking about jazzy for two minutes before beginning to write this post which was already a record, as sad as that might be, but now it has been twenty minutes and i haven't felt anything. It might just be because of how tired i am and how numb i've become. Wait, now i think it's coming...
Well, i just made some progress. I had been thinking about jazzy for two minutes before beginning to write this post which was already a record, as sad as that might be, but now it has been twenty minutes and i haven't felt anything. It might just be because of how tired i am and how numb i've become. Wait, now i think it's coming...
Thursday, October 25, 2007
No. 48
Something i like to do when i am alone is try to walk as far as i can with my eyes closed. The hardest part isn't so much not bumping into anything as it is trusting yourself.
Monday, October 22, 2007
No. 46
In Thailand, i traveled with Katie, a shining member of our travel group. She was always up for trying everything and i have to say, she was one of the strongest people in our group. During the trip she talked about her best friend from home, Adam. She told us stories of him and really showed us how much of a brother he was like to her. Adam died in a head-on collision back at home. When Katie found out, she could have gone home, but she decided to stay with us until the end of our trip. As a group, finding out was earth-shattering. Most everyone was crying and offering their support to Katie. Not me.
I couldn't. As i listened to her explain what had happened, as she told us about the friend, the brother, she had lost, i couldn't even look at her. I fell apart. I was non-functional for two hours. My mind raced. I was thinking about how Chloe Checkoway died in 6th grade, just as i started to have a crush on her. I thought of my friends. I thought of myself. I thought of Jazzy....Jazzy.... I thought of the feelings i had, how i want to die, and i realized that i could never let that part of me take over. This one life was so special, even just to this one person, and everyone around Katie was affected, and i couldn't possibly imagine what this was like for her, and i knew that i wasn't of that kind of value to anyone, but i still had to ensure that i could never take my own life for any reason.
The hardest thing about suicide, is that not being able to go through with it feels like a defeat. Wanting to die to end the pain, wanting to die to make someone notice you, wanting to die to show them how they hurt you, feels like you have to go through with it for them to understand, for anyone to understand. Suicidal ideation is constantly being at battle with oneself. Nothing feels worth it but this. You develop a one-tack mind. You want to be able to tell someone. You can't. I can't.
I couldn't. As i listened to her explain what had happened, as she told us about the friend, the brother, she had lost, i couldn't even look at her. I fell apart. I was non-functional for two hours. My mind raced. I was thinking about how Chloe Checkoway died in 6th grade, just as i started to have a crush on her. I thought of my friends. I thought of myself. I thought of Jazzy....Jazzy.... I thought of the feelings i had, how i want to die, and i realized that i could never let that part of me take over. This one life was so special, even just to this one person, and everyone around Katie was affected, and i couldn't possibly imagine what this was like for her, and i knew that i wasn't of that kind of value to anyone, but i still had to ensure that i could never take my own life for any reason.
The hardest thing about suicide, is that not being able to go through with it feels like a defeat. Wanting to die to end the pain, wanting to die to make someone notice you, wanting to die to show them how they hurt you, feels like you have to go through with it for them to understand, for anyone to understand. Suicidal ideation is constantly being at battle with oneself. Nothing feels worth it but this. You develop a one-tack mind. You want to be able to tell someone. You can't. I can't.
No. 45
I don't feel close with anyone anymore. I don't feel important to anyone. I don't even feel like i'm really tight with Eli.
I don't feel like there's a point anymore. I don't feel like i have any purpose. I don't even feel alive.
What keeps me going? My family, my friends, and my sense of contribution to the world.
Still, i can't help but feel like nothing is worth it anymore. I still can't bring myself to say it frankly, but it's becoming increasingly apparent that Jazzy and i are broken far beyond repair and have been incompatible for some time. I can't let go. She's the only one who can turn me on. She brings out the worst in me. I can't be whole so long at this continues to simmer within me. Every time i see her it's an instant minor panic attack. Every time i think of her i fall silent, become weak, lose feeling in my fingers and toes. My heart races and my lungs feel like jelly. I feel sick. Everything reminds me of her. People, sounds, memories, everything. How will i ever get it together?
I don't feel like there's a point anymore. I don't feel like i have any purpose. I don't even feel alive.
What keeps me going? My family, my friends, and my sense of contribution to the world.
Still, i can't help but feel like nothing is worth it anymore. I still can't bring myself to say it frankly, but it's becoming increasingly apparent that Jazzy and i are broken far beyond repair and have been incompatible for some time. I can't let go. She's the only one who can turn me on. She brings out the worst in me. I can't be whole so long at this continues to simmer within me. Every time i see her it's an instant minor panic attack. Every time i think of her i fall silent, become weak, lose feeling in my fingers and toes. My heart races and my lungs feel like jelly. I feel sick. Everything reminds me of her. People, sounds, memories, everything. How will i ever get it together?
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
No. 44
So he listened intently and with all his heart as it was all he knew how to do anymore. Watching silently, he forgot everything.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
No. 42
I have a lot of old inactive blogs. I just closed down "Graphite, Ink, Keyboard." from http://graphiteinkkeyboard.blogspot.com/ which i planned to use to post up really old (and really bad) poems from middle school but never put to use. I am also closing down "Assistance to Existance" (for those who put up Resistance to Existance heehee...) from http://assisttoexist.blogspot.com/ and i'm moving all those old posts to here. Enjoy my silly thought from back then :)
P.S. The links wont work because the blogs are gone.
P.S. The links wont work because the blogs are gone.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Feeling stupid
This post is probably going to sound really stupid. I was just looking through all of the blogs that I have created and never really posted to. I found this one in the process and apparently I did make a few posts to this one. They're all really dumb though. I'm such a lousy writer. I have nothing worth saying. Well...maybe I'll start using this more frequently. I'd like to blog. It'd probably be good for me. Well, whatever-- I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Relationships
"The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you."
As depressing as that may sound, its true. If you take it as a slap in the face at least it should wake you up. Anybody can be friends with anybody if you do the right thing.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Revelations
Common sense never really was quite common and now is less common than ever and special education is no longer that special anymore.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Do you believe in magic?
We all know about the "special feelings" people get in life. The feeling the music in a movie simulates. Like the feeling that tells you, this is it, this is the one. But its not there, these feelings dont really exist. They are simply the realization of what something could be. Realizing that you could be happy with this peron for the rest of your life, realizing that the topic of writing is something much deeper than you expected, realizing what creating you could put into this peice of art, realizing that this moment captured could mean something to people all around the world. You wont get a special feeling every time you think you're in love, or every time you have something to write about, or something to draw, or capture in a photograph. There's no special feeling thats going to hand you the perfect moment untingeable by pain. Pain is part of life and brings out whats great, and you can't life a good life without pain. These special feelings wont tell you to get up and do something, so stop waiting for them. Get off of your own ass and breath in deep, look around and realize what you can bring out in this world. Start caring about things you'd just normally ignore. Take a walk through the world and get that special feeling every step of the way.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Originality
People learn from copying and imitation, but when it comes to the point of plagerism of ones personality and the mochary of their individuality from anothers simple minded foolishness is when it becomes the commonly known annoyance.
Fortune Cookie
Out at a dinner with my family after finishing the best meal I had had in weeks, my younger brother handed out fortune cookies. At first glance I noted one slightly golden cookie in the center of the plate and ignored it, grabbing for one of the more normal cookies. I rethought my decision, taking notice of a feeling that there was something different about that cookie, well aware that the golden-brown tint was most likely from being overcooked. I dropped my normal cookie back on the plate and reached for my golden cookie to have my brother shouting, "they're all the same!" over and over, somehow seemingly amusing himself. I held the cookie in front of me and observed its color for a few more seconds before unwrapping it and taking a few accidental glances on the fortune inside. Yes, they were really accidental. I tried not to peek as I broke the cookie almost perfectly in half being sure to hide the suprise fortune from myself until after I had finished consuming the cookie. I do not love fortune cookes but the taste isnt one that would drive you away. I don't especially enjoy the crunchiness but I could imagine much distaste I would have towards the little cookie if it were soft and mushy. I read the back of the slip of paper first which had the normal learn chinese piece that had the english word, the pinyin (mandarin pronounciation), and the chinese characters for the word. My word was April, pronounced Si-yue. I could recognize both but only identify the first of the two charachters to make up this word, the first charachter was four and the second I was not sure of, for I havent been using any chinese in years, but I think it may have been the character for moon. So after finalizing my brief observation of that side of the slip of paper i flipped it around to passively notice the normal four recatangles at each of the corners. I then began to read the fortune: "Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide. " And that my friends, I could not agree with more.
No. 41
I've been wanting to keep posting here, but the thing is, once i miss some stuff it's hard for me to get myself to catch up on it. It's always impossible for me to keep up with journals and those kinds of things. I always feel the need to record every finest detail. Maybe it's because i see this as more of a log than a journal. I want to be able to remember things, every little thing. Maybe that's why my writing style isn't so nice on here. I think i'll just start saying whatever i feel like saying.
bloot.
Anyways, it's now almost four months since my last post. A lot has happened. Right now, in some ways i am a lot better, in a lot of ways i still don't feel any relief. I found out my parents had read my blog. I found out Jazzy's counsellor (and possibly her parent) has also read it. I had the worst panic attack(s) of my life. I came the closest i've ever come to killing myself-- twice. I made it through the end of the school year. I got miserable grades. I have realized a lot. I made it to Thailand. I fell in love with Thailand. I feel detached and distant. I feel lonely.
So here i am, writing again. Jazzy is still with Kyle and i'm still the same. I sent Jazzy a long email right before i went to Thailand (actually, i sent the second half while i was in Thailand) and she never replied.
Here is the first half of the email--
"
from Danny Piccirillo Jun 24
to Jazzy Cindy
date Jun 24, 2007 10:56 PM
subject Re: Smile :)
mailed-by gmail.com
1. I'm sorry i'm saying this over email.
2. I'm sorry.
3. I'm sorry i couldn't put your happiness in front of everything.
4. I'm sorry i couldn't be altruistic.
5. I'm sorry i haven't been myself.
6. I take back what i said about your braces. Your teeth do look nice.
7. You were right: I didn't trust you.
8. Do i trust you now? I don't know. Probably not.
9. Do you really think you have shown your trustworthiness?
10. Check the outside pocket of your checkered bag.
11. There's something i need to ask you in person.
12. I only act like everything is good.
13. I am not willing to let you go.
14. Things are good for you right now and it kills me to see you with somebody else.
15. Kyle is not the right one for you.
16. Yet again you are immersing yourself into a new group.
17. It sickened me when you [reassured] Atenia that she was the most important person in your life.
18. She's not the first person to express that you've been gone lately.
19. It seemed like you were treating her like a child.
20. I do not mean to sound like i am closer with her than you are.
21. It kills me that i am not important to you.
22. You told me i was in that top three most important people: Atenia, Robin, i.
23. According to Facebook your top three are: Atenia, Robin, Kyle.
24. I don't even appear in the top 12.
25. You know everything about me.
26. I'm sorry for being honest.
27. I only went further than kissing you because i truely though we would never go further with anybody else.
28. You are still the world to me.
29. Is nothing sacred?
30. Through all of this, you are still the only one i have any feeling for.
31. Do you realize that i haven't really liked anybody other than you for over two years?
32. Lily was just someone new that i hadn't given myself the chance of not liking her yet.
33. The same goes for Beth.
34. What is it that you have owned up to?
35. What has been resolved?
36. Yes, i am mad.
37. Yes, i was disgusted that you got involved with Gaby.
38. Yes, i do hate you with Kyle. You can't even say his name around me.
39. You spend time with him all the time.
40. You go out of your way to be with him.
41. You show him more that you showed me.
42. I cannot live like this, but how could i accept you again?
43. Things will not be okay like this.
44. alf of the time, i think you are completely wrong.
45. You are a the biggest flirt.
46. You are cold.
47. You know how to be a real bitch.
48. You left me completely out of the loop.
49. There is no fucking "social regularity" for us.
50. I hope to god you don't honestly think you can justify any choice you have made in this relationship with any goddamn "social regularity"
51. I have something for you.
52. Why should i see you before i leave for Thailand?
53. I want to. I do.
54. You have no idea how hard it is to feel alone like i do.
55. If you do then i do not know how you can leave me like this.
56. ow hard it is to constantly be thinking of you.
57. You never consider what this does to me.
58. I have to try incredibly hard not to call you all of the time still.
59. Your mom told me that i needed to move on until we could mend our relationship.
60. I clam up around you.
61. I can't speak sround you.
62. I can't act around you.
63. I get nervous around you and my heart beats faster.
64. You do this.
65. Why do you insist on putting up so much resistance to everyone?"
And here is part two--
"
from Danny Piccirillo Jul 2
to Jazzy Cindy
date Jul 2, 2007 1:51 AM
subject Re: Smile :)
mailed-by gmail.com
Are you truly happy with yourself?
Will you make amends before it's too late?
The other half of the time i understand.
You just don't like me right now.
I still think you owe me something.
You've disappointed me even as a friend.
There will be nobody to cry for me when i leave but me.
I wake up.
I mope around.
I might try to see someone(s) to make things seem okay.
I cry.
I sleep.
Talk to me.
I miss you.
How can you have any hope of things working out?
I know i can't promise you anything.
But i do, still hope, even after all the times we've tried and failed.
I need you back.
I'm not asking for you to be mine again and everything be perfect
I only ask that you give use some opportunity
This isn't just about me
I worry about you and what will become of you too.
We can work.
It will always be worth it to me.
I don't want to lose the promises you made me
I will not let go of you
I wish there was something i could say that would fix everything between us forever
If you asked me if i would do this all over again, yes, i would, absolutely.
I know you probably don't want to hear this
I still love you
I know of at least one person who thinks you're a great match for Kyle-- for your negative qualities. I know that the you that a lot of people are starting to see is not the real you nor is it who you really want to be. The only way i can sum up how i feel in one word is cheated.
The first email was originally 99 lines long. Here's the rest of it in fragments of what i could restore from my memory.
On 6/24/07, Danny Piccirillo <> wrote:
1. I'm sorry i'm saying this over email.
2. I'm sorry.
3. I'm sorry i couldn't put your happiness in front of everything.
4. I'm sorry i couldn't be altruistic.
5. I'm sorry i haven't been myself.
6. I take back what i said about your braces. Your teeth do look nice.
7. You were right: I didn't trust you.
8. Do i trust you now? I don't know. Probably not.
9. Do you really think you have shown your trustworthiness?
10. Check the outside pocket of your checkered bag.
11. There's something i need to ask you in person.
12. I only act like everything is good.
13. I am not willing to let you go.
14. Things are good for you right now and it kills me to see you with somebody else.
15. Kyle is not the right one for you.
16. Yet again you are immersing yourself into a new group.
17. It sickened me when you [reassured] Atenia that she was the most important person in your life.
18. She's not the first person to express that you've been gone lately.
19. It seemed like you were treating her like a child.
20. I do not mean to sound like i am closer with her than you are.
21. It kills me that i am not important to you.
22. You told me i was in that top three most important people: Atenia, Robin, i.
23. According to Facebook your top three are: Atenia, Robin, Kyle.
24. I don't even appear in the top 12.
25. You know everything about me.
26. I'm sorry for being honest.
27. I only went further than kissing you because i truly though we would never go further with anybody else.
28. You are still the world to me.
29. Is nothing sacred?
30. Through all of this, you are still the only one i have any feelings for.
31. Do you realize that i haven't really liked anybody other than you for over two years?
32. Lily was just someone new that i hadn't given myself the chance of not liking her yet.
33. The same goes for Beth.
34. What is it that you have owned up to?
35. What has been resolved?
36. Yes, i am mad.
37. Yes, i was disgusted that you got involved with Gaby.
38. Yes, i do hate you with Kyle. You can't even say his name around me.
39. You spend time with him all the time.
40. You go out of your way to be with him.
41. You show him more that you showed me.
42. I cannot live like this, but how could i accept you again?
43. Things will not be okay like this.
44. Half of the time, i think you are completely wrong.
45. You are a the biggest flirt.
46. You are cold.
47. You know how to be a real bitch.
48. You left me completely out of the loop.
49. There is no fucking "social regularity" for us.
50. I hope to god you don't honestly think you can justify any choice you have made in this relationship with any goddamn "social regularity"
51. I have something for you.
52. Why should i see you before i leave for Thailand?
53. I want to. I do.
54. You have no idea how hard it is to feel alone like i do.
55. If you do then i do not know how you can leave me like this.
56. ow hard it is to constantly be thinking of you.
57. You never consider what this does to me.
58. I have to try incredibly hard not to call you all of the time still.
59. Your mom told me that i needed to move on until we could mend our relationship.
60. I clam up around you.
61. I can't speak around you.
62. I can't act around you.
63. I get nervous around you and my heart beats faster.
64. You do this.
65. Why do you insist on putting up so much resistance to everyone?"
Jazzy isn't who i thought she was. She was never who i thought she was, the person i saw her as, the person i wanted her to be. Each time we do this i have to realize that she isn't the Jasmine i know. If and when she realizes this, which i don't think she will, she will be more hurt than me. I can't change her. I can try. She has to change on her own and by her own will. Jasmine, if the person i know you are ever comes back, let me know. Until then, i can't ever see you the same and our relationship will not be whole.
bloot.
Anyways, it's now almost four months since my last post. A lot has happened. Right now, in some ways i am a lot better, in a lot of ways i still don't feel any relief. I found out my parents had read my blog. I found out Jazzy's counsellor (and possibly her parent) has also read it. I had the worst panic attack(s) of my life. I came the closest i've ever come to killing myself-- twice. I made it through the end of the school year. I got miserable grades. I have realized a lot. I made it to Thailand. I fell in love with Thailand. I feel detached and distant. I feel lonely.
So here i am, writing again. Jazzy is still with Kyle and i'm still the same. I sent Jazzy a long email right before i went to Thailand (actually, i sent the second half while i was in Thailand) and she never replied.
Here is the first half of the email--
"
from Danny Piccirillo
Thursday, April 12, 2007
No. 40
I was very scatterbrained when i made that last post. I still am, but hopefully not as much. I've been out of school for two days now. It's been miserable. I've just been sleeping and not feeling better. I went to see shrink therapist councilor dude yesterday and it was just stupid. He has nothing to offer me. Nobody but Jazzy can give me anything more than an open ear. Professionals don't have any new solutions to offer; they have the ability to point me in the direction of prescription medicine. I could tell he would be no help. Any improvement i'd have would be from me and he would just be there for the ride. Now i know you're all thinking i'm crazy, but i can promise you this isn't me just being stubborn and irrational. Even my mom saw it, and she's the one who took me to him. Well i'm too tired and i don't have much else to say at this point.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
No. 39
Well yesterday i was very sickly, dizzy and disoriented. Changing direction while in motion or turning my head, music, talking, or any noise in general makes everything feel like it's spinning. I'd be lightheaded and feel like i was falling. Looking in a different direction that i am facing by turning my eyes not my head, makes the muscles that control eye movement hurt. I have eye muscle cramps or something from sleep deprivation. This has never happened to me before. I'll lose balance and i get this wooshing sensation in my tummy like i'm about to vomit only i don't. I've been completely losing it.
Last night, i was pouring orange juice because i was having cereal and OJ as a midnight snack and i was pouring it very slowly and i couldn't figure out what was wrong. I was pouring it into the cereal bowl. It wasn't even as if i had poured it in quickly and i was like 'Oh, crap!'- i was pouring it slowly and was like 'Oh...crap.' I've always talked to myself and heard things that weren't there and things like that, but it hasn't been until recently that it's really concerned me. It's a little scary.
When i sleep, i don't sleep deeply like i normally do. I don't sleep well. I always have dreams of no more kisses. It's those faces she makes that usually i'd kiss her for making but now i can't. She does it all the time. Now that i think of it, i don't know what expressions she makes that don't make me feel like that.
Today i've been just as sick if not worse then yesterday but my day ended up pretty alright. My day started off lousy though. I'm so sick and completely exhausted. I had to get up for the carpool and school. I had to face long block French first thing in the morning. I was worried all day and stressed and in pain from whatever it is that i'm suffering from. Yesterday, Jazzy said she might read my blog later. This morning when i came into school, Jazzy clearly was avoiding me or something and i was immediately suspicious that she had read it. Then, Robin hugged me. Robin doesn't just hug me. Nobody just hugs me, well, with the exception of Eve and, when i'm lucky, Eli. When Robin hugged me, i knew something was up.
I caught Jazzy at homeroom and she told me she had read the blog- the entire blog. I asked her if she was mad at me for now or what. I was really worried that we'd stop talking. After school we finally talked. She told me how she felt and the she was sorry and we cleared everything up. My intentions haven't been to blame everything on Jazzy and she didn't take the blame. She really understood that i wasn't just writing to say she's a horrible person. I wrote about all of this to break this chaotic cycle of bending the truth. I didn't want her to be able to downplay what i wrote here. We both understand each other. We're not arguing about who's fault is what, or who should be blamed. We both just fed off of each other when we were dating and things got out of control. Don't you hate learning things the hard way?
I still want to clarify a few things but we're open and talking now. We're going to go through the blog together so we can really dissect it. I'd like to know if she really did like me when we were dating. When making out stopped being enjoyable. If she did like Eli while we were dating. If she really had no feelings for me whatsoever right now. If we have a chance.
We've finally broken through to each other. It's such a relief. I'm still really sad that she doesn't like me and that she's with Gabi. I mean, i don't know what it would take for me to get over my feelings for her. It's heartbreaking, but i get it. It's just the feeling that everything we've had amounts to nothing. I know it's not true but damn does it feel that way.
I've never gone past first base with anybody but her, and i can't imagine ever doing so. I just consider it to be such a big deal, something really significant, something really special. She probably doesn't see it that way, but if she goes further with Gabi than she did with me, or as far, or past first, it would be so hard to deal with. I can't control their relationship but i don't know how to describe how i feel.
I'm so afraid that i won't be able to get close to Jazzy again. She came over after school yesterday and i just felt like something was stuck in between us. Hopefully there isn't anymore, but i still worry. I still worry that she can't like me again. I want to just watch a movie or Gilmore Girls or something with her and just snuzzle (snuggle + nuzzle + cuddle). I guess this is me worrying and making an imagines problem into a reality.
Another example of Jazzy 'being fair' is how she might say that she'll call if she can but she won't and she'll have called Eli and Atenia and talked to them. She'll say that it was fair because she'd already talked to me or she'd seen me that day or something. It really shouldn't be about that. It's about who you want to talk to.
I have to be more understanding of this though. She doesn't like me. She doesn't always want to talk to me. I'm not always fun. I can't blame her. I have to not take so much offense in these situations, it only makes things worse. Yesterday, she never called me and i know she talked to Atenia on the phone and i would have liked her to call but i was okay with the fact that she didn't. I did call her a bunch of times first but then i had to step back and take a minute to think.
Today, after school, i wasn't so good. When i asked Jazzy if we could talk after school, i was a nervous wreck and so when she told me she was going to go get coffee with Eli, and she didn't tell me Eli was going until i asked, i immediately thought to myself, 'Oh...they're going to coffee.' I shouldn't do that. I mean, yeah, i was feeling crummy so that was why i did but you get the point. Even if they were going to coffee, i can't have a real problem with that at all. (Sorry Eli for taking Jazzy from your coffee plans)
It's just hard to think of how she gets all close like that with Eli, right? I mean snuzzling and all. Also, Eli walks her to class and when i used to do that she'd get pissed. I have to understand that it's different. I was obsessive and stalker-like. It's hard not to just be completely jealous and upset of everything all the time. I need to get over doing this. It's really bad. It's unhealthy. It's why i ended up where i am now.
It's not just the thought of Jazzy with anyone else that kills me. Seeing happy couples is just so hard. The memories and feelings that are always brought back. I see happy couples everywhere. It's just such a downer. It's so depressing but i have to look at the bright side.
What's it matter at all that she doesn't like me right now? What's it matter that there are other people besides me in her life? What's it matter that i'm not number one on her list? I can't keep letting all these things hold me back. As long as i can see her smile, i can't let anything hold me back.
Last night, i was pouring orange juice because i was having cereal and OJ as a midnight snack and i was pouring it very slowly and i couldn't figure out what was wrong. I was pouring it into the cereal bowl. It wasn't even as if i had poured it in quickly and i was like 'Oh, crap!'- i was pouring it slowly and was like 'Oh...crap.' I've always talked to myself and heard things that weren't there and things like that, but it hasn't been until recently that it's really concerned me. It's a little scary.
When i sleep, i don't sleep deeply like i normally do. I don't sleep well. I always have dreams of no more kisses. It's those faces she makes that usually i'd kiss her for making but now i can't. She does it all the time. Now that i think of it, i don't know what expressions she makes that don't make me feel like that.
Today i've been just as sick if not worse then yesterday but my day ended up pretty alright. My day started off lousy though. I'm so sick and completely exhausted. I had to get up for the carpool and school. I had to face long block French first thing in the morning. I was worried all day and stressed and in pain from whatever it is that i'm suffering from. Yesterday, Jazzy said she might read my blog later. This morning when i came into school, Jazzy clearly was avoiding me or something and i was immediately suspicious that she had read it. Then, Robin hugged me. Robin doesn't just hug me. Nobody just hugs me, well, with the exception of Eve and, when i'm lucky, Eli. When Robin hugged me, i knew something was up.
I caught Jazzy at homeroom and she told me she had read the blog- the entire blog. I asked her if she was mad at me for now or what. I was really worried that we'd stop talking. After school we finally talked. She told me how she felt and the she was sorry and we cleared everything up. My intentions haven't been to blame everything on Jazzy and she didn't take the blame. She really understood that i wasn't just writing to say she's a horrible person. I wrote about all of this to break this chaotic cycle of bending the truth. I didn't want her to be able to downplay what i wrote here. We both understand each other. We're not arguing about who's fault is what, or who should be blamed. We both just fed off of each other when we were dating and things got out of control. Don't you hate learning things the hard way?
I still want to clarify a few things but we're open and talking now. We're going to go through the blog together so we can really dissect it. I'd like to know if she really did like me when we were dating. When making out stopped being enjoyable. If she did like Eli while we were dating. If she really had no feelings for me whatsoever right now. If we have a chance.
We've finally broken through to each other. It's such a relief. I'm still really sad that she doesn't like me and that she's with Gabi. I mean, i don't know what it would take for me to get over my feelings for her. It's heartbreaking, but i get it. It's just the feeling that everything we've had amounts to nothing. I know it's not true but damn does it feel that way.
I've never gone past first base with anybody but her, and i can't imagine ever doing so. I just consider it to be such a big deal, something really significant, something really special. She probably doesn't see it that way, but if she goes further with Gabi than she did with me, or as far, or past first, it would be so hard to deal with. I can't control their relationship but i don't know how to describe how i feel.
I'm so afraid that i won't be able to get close to Jazzy again. She came over after school yesterday and i just felt like something was stuck in between us. Hopefully there isn't anymore, but i still worry. I still worry that she can't like me again. I want to just watch a movie or Gilmore Girls or something with her and just snuzzle (snuggle + nuzzle + cuddle). I guess this is me worrying and making an imagines problem into a reality.
Another example of Jazzy 'being fair' is how she might say that she'll call if she can but she won't and she'll have called Eli and Atenia and talked to them. She'll say that it was fair because she'd already talked to me or she'd seen me that day or something. It really shouldn't be about that. It's about who you want to talk to.
I have to be more understanding of this though. She doesn't like me. She doesn't always want to talk to me. I'm not always fun. I can't blame her. I have to not take so much offense in these situations, it only makes things worse. Yesterday, she never called me and i know she talked to Atenia on the phone and i would have liked her to call but i was okay with the fact that she didn't. I did call her a bunch of times first but then i had to step back and take a minute to think.
Today, after school, i wasn't so good. When i asked Jazzy if we could talk after school, i was a nervous wreck and so when she told me she was going to go get coffee with Eli, and she didn't tell me Eli was going until i asked, i immediately thought to myself, 'Oh...they're going to coffee.' I shouldn't do that. I mean, yeah, i was feeling crummy so that was why i did but you get the point. Even if they were going to coffee, i can't have a real problem with that at all. (Sorry Eli for taking Jazzy from your coffee plans)
It's just hard to think of how she gets all close like that with Eli, right? I mean snuzzling and all. Also, Eli walks her to class and when i used to do that she'd get pissed. I have to understand that it's different. I was obsessive and stalker-like. It's hard not to just be completely jealous and upset of everything all the time. I need to get over doing this. It's really bad. It's unhealthy. It's why i ended up where i am now.
It's not just the thought of Jazzy with anyone else that kills me. Seeing happy couples is just so hard. The memories and feelings that are always brought back. I see happy couples everywhere. It's just such a downer. It's so depressing but i have to look at the bright side.
What's it matter at all that she doesn't like me right now? What's it matter that there are other people besides me in her life? What's it matter that i'm not number one on her list? I can't keep letting all these things hold me back. As long as i can see her smile, i can't let anything hold me back.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
No. 38
I don't really know where to begin. Well first off, sorry Eli for the misunderstanding. It seemed like you had just ditched. So how can i sum up this weekend? Friday...Friday...Well, Friday i got my fourth hug from Jazzy in the past month and a half. Fuck i miss her. Friday night went well, and i knew there was something wrong. I didn't ask though because i didn't want to ruin the night. Saturday didn't go so well. I sat in my room almost all day doing nothing mostly. I was probably out of my room for a total of three hours all day. I came out for dinner. Bella came over. We watched Running With Scissors. Then it was back to my room.
After the movie ended, i got this horrible feeling. I knew something had happened now. I suddenly could barely speak. I didn't know what was happening. Jazzy was supposed to have called me. She had gone to the aquarium and then she was hanging out with everyone at Liv's house. She had told me that they might all be going to Robin's for a French party of something but she wasn't sure so she'd call and let me know. I called her a bunch of times but there was no answer. I knew she'd forget to call. That was okay though. After that, i think i called Eli, then Atenia, then Lily. I don't remember getting though to anyone but Lily. We only talked for a little bit.
Eventually, i got through to Jazzy. Hearing her voice made me feel a little better but something was still wrong. She asked what was wrong but i couldn't say so she said she'd call when she left Robin's (yeah, she forgot to tell me she was there). She called a little while later. I don't remember what we talked about, but it seemed like things were getting better. That shouldn't worry me. It did. Things always get better before i find out there was something i didn't know.
Then i asked her, "Did something happen?" She didn't know what i meant. "Did something happen that i don't know about?" there was a long pause. Oh fuck, is all i could think.
"Can we talk about this tomorrow?" she asked. I was sort of in shock from what was happening and i said no. "I assume you're talking about Gabi?" but i didn't know what i was talking about. I just knew that something had happened. I don't know how i knew. I never know how i know. I just knew. It made sense though. As soon as those words cam out of her mouth i knew what had happened.
She told me she kinda liked her. "Is that all?" She told me Gabi kinda liked her back. "Is that all?" She told me they were kinda together. So i was right on Friday to think that there was something i didn't know. Her and Gabi kissed on Thursday night. I wasn't surprised. I'd heard from Eli that Jazzy was getting set up with Gabi while the frenchies were in France. Jazzy downplayed it as usual but what else can i expect at this point? Jazzy assured me that it was nothing slutty. I had to know what she meant by that. She said that Gabi wasn't just some hott French girl and that she was actually nice. Would Jazzy be dating her is she wasn't a hott French girl? Does Jazzy actually know her at all? She certainly can't say that the fact that Gabi will only be here for two weeks has nothing to do with this.
I didn't cry. Not really anyways. I couldn't express anything. I was so everything. It was so frustrating. I love her. I hate her. I just want her to be there for me. I want her to love me back. I could tell she was tired so i told her to go to bed. She agreed to give me a hug and made sure i knew that she still wanted me to come to Kay's for Easter. She hung up and i just lost it. I didn't break down or anything. I just moped. I sat there with the phone up to my ear until it gave me the busy tone and i snapped out of it.
I can't hide anything from Jazzy. She will see this. My biggest fear is that this will end things between us permanently. I don't think anything is truly final though. Well, something i'd like to be.
Today sucked. I only got out of the house once- to go to the cemetery. I've been coughing since i watched the movie with Bella. Today, i started getting dizzy and disoriented. Jazzy and i never got to see each other today. I couldn't go to dinner and she tried to come here but that ended up not working. Whatever though. I wasn't surprised. It was a bummer.
Jazzy says i should get help. She said that people who don't even know me ask her if i'm okay. Great. I can just imagine being 'that crazy kid with the black peacoat and big red backpack always looking depressed if he's not running off to some place.' She told me to see someone. I told her that i was seeing somebody, the only person who could help me, but she left me. All she heard was that i was seeing somebody and she said that was great and she asked what i said but before i could answer she had to go.
This isn't me. This isn't me at all. I'm Danny. I don't do this. I always know how to help somebody when they are like this. I need to sit down and have a chat with myself. I wish i could do that. It would help so much.
I talked to Atenia today and she said that she talked to Jazzy last night. Apparently Jazzy wanted to reassure Atenia that she was still the only girl in her life. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Atenia didn't even know. Later, when i asked Jazzy, she didn't have much of an explanation. Atenia got offended because she didn't like Jazzy anymore and Jazzy made her feel stupid. Jazzy was trying to protect her but Jazzy hooks up with whoever she wants, now that it's a girl, it doesn't make any difference. "I don't like you anymore as much as you'd like to think so" Atenia said as if towards Jazzy.
Does Jazzy still have feelings for her? When i asked, at first she was vague. Then she said no. She like Gabi. What about Eli? She liked him a little before. She didn't have a response to that either but she didn't deny it so she was lying to me when she told me she didn't like him. Does Jazzy just like everyone? How many people has she dated? How long is she usually single for? Never for long.
I've really just expected too much from Jazzy. I've blamed her too much. I've let her kill me too much. I rant on and on about Jazzy but it's really my fault. I can't blame her for not liking me. I'm sorry.
I don't think i want to go to Thailand.
After the movie ended, i got this horrible feeling. I knew something had happened now. I suddenly could barely speak. I didn't know what was happening. Jazzy was supposed to have called me. She had gone to the aquarium and then she was hanging out with everyone at Liv's house. She had told me that they might all be going to Robin's for a French party of something but she wasn't sure so she'd call and let me know. I called her a bunch of times but there was no answer. I knew she'd forget to call. That was okay though. After that, i think i called Eli, then Atenia, then Lily. I don't remember getting though to anyone but Lily. We only talked for a little bit.
Eventually, i got through to Jazzy. Hearing her voice made me feel a little better but something was still wrong. She asked what was wrong but i couldn't say so she said she'd call when she left Robin's (yeah, she forgot to tell me she was there). She called a little while later. I don't remember what we talked about, but it seemed like things were getting better. That shouldn't worry me. It did. Things always get better before i find out there was something i didn't know.
Then i asked her, "Did something happen?" She didn't know what i meant. "Did something happen that i don't know about?" there was a long pause. Oh fuck, is all i could think.
"Can we talk about this tomorrow?" she asked. I was sort of in shock from what was happening and i said no. "I assume you're talking about Gabi?" but i didn't know what i was talking about. I just knew that something had happened. I don't know how i knew. I never know how i know. I just knew. It made sense though. As soon as those words cam out of her mouth i knew what had happened.
She told me she kinda liked her. "Is that all?" She told me Gabi kinda liked her back. "Is that all?" She told me they were kinda together. So i was right on Friday to think that there was something i didn't know. Her and Gabi kissed on Thursday night. I wasn't surprised. I'd heard from Eli that Jazzy was getting set up with Gabi while the frenchies were in France. Jazzy downplayed it as usual but what else can i expect at this point? Jazzy assured me that it was nothing slutty. I had to know what she meant by that. She said that Gabi wasn't just some hott French girl and that she was actually nice. Would Jazzy be dating her is she wasn't a hott French girl? Does Jazzy actually know her at all? She certainly can't say that the fact that Gabi will only be here for two weeks has nothing to do with this.
I didn't cry. Not really anyways. I couldn't express anything. I was so everything. It was so frustrating. I love her. I hate her. I just want her to be there for me. I want her to love me back. I could tell she was tired so i told her to go to bed. She agreed to give me a hug and made sure i knew that she still wanted me to come to Kay's for Easter. She hung up and i just lost it. I didn't break down or anything. I just moped. I sat there with the phone up to my ear until it gave me the busy tone and i snapped out of it.
I can't hide anything from Jazzy. She will see this. My biggest fear is that this will end things between us permanently. I don't think anything is truly final though. Well, something i'd like to be.
Today sucked. I only got out of the house once- to go to the cemetery. I've been coughing since i watched the movie with Bella. Today, i started getting dizzy and disoriented. Jazzy and i never got to see each other today. I couldn't go to dinner and she tried to come here but that ended up not working. Whatever though. I wasn't surprised. It was a bummer.
Jazzy says i should get help. She said that people who don't even know me ask her if i'm okay. Great. I can just imagine being 'that crazy kid with the black peacoat and big red backpack always looking depressed if he's not running off to some place.' She told me to see someone. I told her that i was seeing somebody, the only person who could help me, but she left me. All she heard was that i was seeing somebody and she said that was great and she asked what i said but before i could answer she had to go.
This isn't me. This isn't me at all. I'm Danny. I don't do this. I always know how to help somebody when they are like this. I need to sit down and have a chat with myself. I wish i could do that. It would help so much.
I talked to Atenia today and she said that she talked to Jazzy last night. Apparently Jazzy wanted to reassure Atenia that she was still the only girl in her life. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Atenia didn't even know. Later, when i asked Jazzy, she didn't have much of an explanation. Atenia got offended because she didn't like Jazzy anymore and Jazzy made her feel stupid. Jazzy was trying to protect her but Jazzy hooks up with whoever she wants, now that it's a girl, it doesn't make any difference. "I don't like you anymore as much as you'd like to think so" Atenia said as if towards Jazzy.
Does Jazzy still have feelings for her? When i asked, at first she was vague. Then she said no. She like Gabi. What about Eli? She liked him a little before. She didn't have a response to that either but she didn't deny it so she was lying to me when she told me she didn't like him. Does Jazzy just like everyone? How many people has she dated? How long is she usually single for? Never for long.
I've really just expected too much from Jazzy. I've blamed her too much. I've let her kill me too much. I rant on and on about Jazzy but it's really my fault. I can't blame her for not liking me. I'm sorry.
I don't think i want to go to Thailand.
Friday, April 6, 2007
No. 37
Now i was just going to get around to posting how glad i was that i could actually trust Jazzy to not read this blog even though i told her it was public. Now, i just found out that she kept on reading after i told her not to. I was just going to warn her of the contents but then grant her my permission to read it all. Oh well. She's sorry and she's got my permission anyways. I've said a lot of stupid thing in here. I hope she understands. She will.
Well tonight went well. I didn't let anything ruin our night. Not even finding out that Eli did just go right back to Liv's house like i suspected when he told Dan and i that he had to go. Dude...what the hell? I ended up eating two veggie burgers and she had one. She got a Cherry Coke *gross!* and i got a raspberry-lime rickey to go, which we shared. We got a plate of fries which we didn't finish so we took that to go too. Then we went to Walgreens and picked up some candy for the movie that we would enjoy in addition to our fried and drink.
We ended up not seeing 300 in IMAX, but we saw it. It was amazing. I wanted to stand up and cheer but the crowd sucked. Oh yeah, and i wore my moms pants hahaha. I feel like there was more that i wanted to say but i'm tired to i'm going to bed.
Well tonight went well. I didn't let anything ruin our night. Not even finding out that Eli did just go right back to Liv's house like i suspected when he told Dan and i that he had to go. Dude...what the hell? I ended up eating two veggie burgers and she had one. She got a Cherry Coke *gross!* and i got a raspberry-lime rickey to go, which we shared. We got a plate of fries which we didn't finish so we took that to go too. Then we went to Walgreens and picked up some candy for the movie that we would enjoy in addition to our fried and drink.
We ended up not seeing 300 in IMAX, but we saw it. It was amazing. I wanted to stand up and cheer but the crowd sucked. Oh yeah, and i wore my moms pants hahaha. I feel like there was more that i wanted to say but i'm tired to i'm going to bed.
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Inside Danny's Head, there was a pink bunny. A plot bunny, we call them.
Saturday, October 08, 2005 11:49:00 PM