I don't really know where to begin. Well first off, sorry Eli for the misunderstanding. It seemed like you had just ditched. So how can i sum up this weekend? Friday...Friday...Well, Friday i got my fourth hug from Jazzy in the past month and a half. Fuck i miss her. Friday night went well, and i knew there was something wrong. I didn't ask though because i didn't want to ruin the night. Saturday didn't go so well. I sat in my room almost all day doing nothing mostly. I was probably out of my room for a total of three hours all day. I came out for dinner. Bella came over. We watched Running With Scissors. Then it was back to my room.
After the movie ended, i got this horrible feeling. I knew something had happened now. I suddenly could barely speak. I didn't know what was happening. Jazzy was supposed to have called me. She had gone to the aquarium and then she was hanging out with everyone at Liv's house. She had told me that they might all be going to Robin's for a French party of something but she wasn't sure so she'd call and let me know. I called her a bunch of times but there was no answer. I knew she'd forget to call. That was okay though. After that, i think i called Eli, then Atenia, then Lily. I don't remember getting though to anyone but Lily. We only talked for a little bit.
Eventually, i got through to Jazzy. Hearing her voice made me feel a little better but something was still wrong. She asked what was wrong but i couldn't say so she said she'd call when she left Robin's (yeah, she forgot to tell me she was there). She called a little while later. I don't remember what we talked about, but it seemed like things were getting better. That shouldn't worry me. It did. Things always get better before i find out there was something i didn't know.
Then i asked her, "Did something happen?" She didn't know what i meant. "Did something happen that i don't know about?" there was a long pause. Oh fuck, is all i could think.
"Can we talk about this tomorrow?" she asked. I was sort of in shock from what was happening and i said no. "I assume you're talking about Gabi?" but i didn't know what i was talking about. I just knew that something had happened. I don't know how i knew. I never know how i know. I just knew. It made sense though. As soon as those words cam out of her mouth i knew what had happened.
She told me she kinda liked her. "Is that all?" She told me Gabi kinda liked her back. "Is that all?" She told me they were kinda together. So i was right on Friday to think that there was something i didn't know. Her and Gabi kissed on Thursday night. I wasn't surprised. I'd heard from Eli that Jazzy was getting set up with Gabi while the frenchies were in France. Jazzy downplayed it as usual but what else can i expect at this point? Jazzy assured me that it was nothing slutty. I had to know what she meant by that. She said that Gabi wasn't just some hott French girl and that she was actually nice. Would Jazzy be dating her is she wasn't a hott French girl? Does Jazzy actually know her at all? She certainly can't say that the fact that Gabi will only be here for two weeks has nothing to do with this.
I didn't cry. Not really anyways. I couldn't express anything. I was so everything. It was so frustrating. I love her. I hate her. I just want her to be there for me. I want her to love me back. I could tell she was tired so i told her to go to bed. She agreed to give me a hug and made sure i knew that she still wanted me to come to Kay's for Easter. She hung up and i just lost it. I didn't break down or anything. I just moped. I sat there with the phone up to my ear until it gave me the busy tone and i snapped out of it.
I can't hide anything from Jazzy. She will see this. My biggest fear is that this will end things between us permanently. I don't think anything is truly final though. Well, something i'd like to be.
Today sucked. I only got out of the house once- to go to the cemetery. I've been coughing since i watched the movie with Bella. Today, i started getting dizzy and disoriented. Jazzy and i never got to see each other today. I couldn't go to dinner and she tried to come here but that ended up not working. Whatever though. I wasn't surprised. It was a bummer.
Jazzy says i should get help. She said that people who don't even know me ask her if i'm okay. Great. I can just imagine being 'that crazy kid with the black peacoat and big red backpack always looking depressed if he's not running off to some place.' She told me to see someone. I told her that i was seeing somebody, the only person who could help me, but she left me. All she heard was that i was seeing somebody and she said that was great and she asked what i said but before i could answer she had to go.
This isn't me. This isn't me at all. I'm Danny. I don't do this. I always know how to help somebody when they are like this. I need to sit down and have a chat with myself. I wish i could do that. It would help so much.
I talked to Atenia today and she said that she talked to Jazzy last night. Apparently Jazzy wanted to reassure Atenia that she was still the only girl in her life. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Atenia didn't even know. Later, when i asked Jazzy, she didn't have much of an explanation. Atenia got offended because she didn't like Jazzy anymore and Jazzy made her feel stupid. Jazzy was trying to protect her but Jazzy hooks up with whoever she wants, now that it's a girl, it doesn't make any difference. "I don't like you anymore as much as you'd like to think so" Atenia said as if towards Jazzy.
Does Jazzy still have feelings for her? When i asked, at first she was vague. Then she said no. She like Gabi. What about Eli? She liked him a little before. She didn't have a response to that either but she didn't deny it so she was lying to me when she told me she didn't like him. Does Jazzy just like everyone? How many people has she dated? How long is she usually single for? Never for long.
I've really just expected too much from Jazzy. I've blamed her too much. I've let her kill me too much. I rant on and on about Jazzy but it's really my fault. I can't blame her for not liking me. I'm sorry.
I don't think i want to go to Thailand.
After the movie ended, i got this horrible feeling. I knew something had happened now. I suddenly could barely speak. I didn't know what was happening. Jazzy was supposed to have called me. She had gone to the aquarium and then she was hanging out with everyone at Liv's house. She had told me that they might all be going to Robin's for a French party of something but she wasn't sure so she'd call and let me know. I called her a bunch of times but there was no answer. I knew she'd forget to call. That was okay though. After that, i think i called Eli, then Atenia, then Lily. I don't remember getting though to anyone but Lily. We only talked for a little bit.
Eventually, i got through to Jazzy. Hearing her voice made me feel a little better but something was still wrong. She asked what was wrong but i couldn't say so she said she'd call when she left Robin's (yeah, she forgot to tell me she was there). She called a little while later. I don't remember what we talked about, but it seemed like things were getting better. That shouldn't worry me. It did. Things always get better before i find out there was something i didn't know.
Then i asked her, "Did something happen?" She didn't know what i meant. "Did something happen that i don't know about?" there was a long pause. Oh fuck, is all i could think.
"Can we talk about this tomorrow?" she asked. I was sort of in shock from what was happening and i said no. "I assume you're talking about Gabi?" but i didn't know what i was talking about. I just knew that something had happened. I don't know how i knew. I never know how i know. I just knew. It made sense though. As soon as those words cam out of her mouth i knew what had happened.
She told me she kinda liked her. "Is that all?" She told me Gabi kinda liked her back. "Is that all?" She told me they were kinda together. So i was right on Friday to think that there was something i didn't know. Her and Gabi kissed on Thursday night. I wasn't surprised. I'd heard from Eli that Jazzy was getting set up with Gabi while the frenchies were in France. Jazzy downplayed it as usual but what else can i expect at this point? Jazzy assured me that it was nothing slutty. I had to know what she meant by that. She said that Gabi wasn't just some hott French girl and that she was actually nice. Would Jazzy be dating her is she wasn't a hott French girl? Does Jazzy actually know her at all? She certainly can't say that the fact that Gabi will only be here for two weeks has nothing to do with this.
I didn't cry. Not really anyways. I couldn't express anything. I was so everything. It was so frustrating. I love her. I hate her. I just want her to be there for me. I want her to love me back. I could tell she was tired so i told her to go to bed. She agreed to give me a hug and made sure i knew that she still wanted me to come to Kay's for Easter. She hung up and i just lost it. I didn't break down or anything. I just moped. I sat there with the phone up to my ear until it gave me the busy tone and i snapped out of it.
I can't hide anything from Jazzy. She will see this. My biggest fear is that this will end things between us permanently. I don't think anything is truly final though. Well, something i'd like to be.
Today sucked. I only got out of the house once- to go to the cemetery. I've been coughing since i watched the movie with Bella. Today, i started getting dizzy and disoriented. Jazzy and i never got to see each other today. I couldn't go to dinner and she tried to come here but that ended up not working. Whatever though. I wasn't surprised. It was a bummer.
Jazzy says i should get help. She said that people who don't even know me ask her if i'm okay. Great. I can just imagine being 'that crazy kid with the black peacoat and big red backpack always looking depressed if he's not running off to some place.' She told me to see someone. I told her that i was seeing somebody, the only person who could help me, but she left me. All she heard was that i was seeing somebody and she said that was great and she asked what i said but before i could answer she had to go.
This isn't me. This isn't me at all. I'm Danny. I don't do this. I always know how to help somebody when they are like this. I need to sit down and have a chat with myself. I wish i could do that. It would help so much.
I talked to Atenia today and she said that she talked to Jazzy last night. Apparently Jazzy wanted to reassure Atenia that she was still the only girl in her life. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Atenia didn't even know. Later, when i asked Jazzy, she didn't have much of an explanation. Atenia got offended because she didn't like Jazzy anymore and Jazzy made her feel stupid. Jazzy was trying to protect her but Jazzy hooks up with whoever she wants, now that it's a girl, it doesn't make any difference. "I don't like you anymore as much as you'd like to think so" Atenia said as if towards Jazzy.
Does Jazzy still have feelings for her? When i asked, at first she was vague. Then she said no. She like Gabi. What about Eli? She liked him a little before. She didn't have a response to that either but she didn't deny it so she was lying to me when she told me she didn't like him. Does Jazzy just like everyone? How many people has she dated? How long is she usually single for? Never for long.
I've really just expected too much from Jazzy. I've blamed her too much. I've let her kill me too much. I rant on and on about Jazzy but it's really my fault. I can't blame her for not liking me. I'm sorry.
I don't think i want to go to Thailand.
1 comment:
hey danny.
you want to go to thailand.
lets talk.
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