Well yesterday i was very sickly, dizzy and disoriented. Changing direction while in motion or turning my head, music, talking, or any noise in general makes everything feel like it's spinning. I'd be lightheaded and feel like i was falling. Looking in a different direction that i am facing by turning my eyes not my head, makes the muscles that control eye movement hurt. I have eye muscle cramps or something from sleep deprivation. This has never happened to me before. I'll lose balance and i get this wooshing sensation in my tummy like i'm about to vomit only i don't. I've been completely losing it.
Last night, i was pouring orange juice because i was having cereal and OJ as a midnight snack and i was pouring it very slowly and i couldn't figure out what was wrong. I was pouring it into the cereal bowl. It wasn't even as if i had poured it in quickly and i was like 'Oh, crap!'- i was pouring it slowly and was like 'Oh...crap.' I've always talked to myself and heard things that weren't there and things like that, but it hasn't been until recently that it's really concerned me. It's a little scary.
When i sleep, i don't sleep deeply like i normally do. I don't sleep well. I always have dreams of no more kisses. It's those faces she makes that usually i'd kiss her for making but now i can't. She does it all the time. Now that i think of it, i don't know what expressions she makes that don't make me feel like that.
Today i've been just as sick if not worse then yesterday but my day ended up pretty alright. My day started off lousy though. I'm so sick and completely exhausted. I had to get up for the carpool and school. I had to face long block French first thing in the morning. I was worried all day and stressed and in pain from whatever it is that i'm suffering from. Yesterday, Jazzy said she might read my blog later. This morning when i came into school, Jazzy clearly was avoiding me or something and i was immediately suspicious that she had read it. Then, Robin hugged me. Robin doesn't just hug me. Nobody just hugs me, well, with the exception of Eve and, when i'm lucky, Eli. When Robin hugged me, i knew something was up.
I caught Jazzy at homeroom and she told me she had read the blog- the entire blog. I asked her if she was mad at me for now or what. I was really worried that we'd stop talking. After school we finally talked. She told me how she felt and the she was sorry and we cleared everything up. My intentions haven't been to blame everything on Jazzy and she didn't take the blame. She really understood that i wasn't just writing to say she's a horrible person. I wrote about all of this to break this chaotic cycle of bending the truth. I didn't want her to be able to downplay what i wrote here. We both understand each other. We're not arguing about who's fault is what, or who should be blamed. We both just fed off of each other when we were dating and things got out of control. Don't you hate learning things the hard way?
I still want to clarify a few things but we're open and talking now. We're going to go through the blog together so we can really dissect it. I'd like to know if she really did like me when we were dating. When making out stopped being enjoyable. If she did like Eli while we were dating. If she really had no feelings for me whatsoever right now. If we have a chance.
We've finally broken through to each other. It's such a relief. I'm still really sad that she doesn't like me and that she's with Gabi. I mean, i don't know what it would take for me to get over my feelings for her. It's heartbreaking, but i get it. It's just the feeling that everything we've had amounts to nothing. I know it's not true but damn does it feel that way.
I've never gone past first base with anybody but her, and i can't imagine ever doing so. I just consider it to be such a big deal, something really significant, something really special. She probably doesn't see it that way, but if she goes further with Gabi than she did with me, or as far, or past first, it would be so hard to deal with. I can't control their relationship but i don't know how to describe how i feel.
I'm so afraid that i won't be able to get close to Jazzy again. She came over after school yesterday and i just felt like something was stuck in between us. Hopefully there isn't anymore, but i still worry. I still worry that she can't like me again. I want to just watch a movie or Gilmore Girls or something with her and just snuzzle (snuggle + nuzzle + cuddle). I guess this is me worrying and making an imagines problem into a reality.
Another example of Jazzy 'being fair' is how she might say that she'll call if she can but she won't and she'll have called Eli and Atenia and talked to them. She'll say that it was fair because she'd already talked to me or she'd seen me that day or something. It really shouldn't be about that. It's about who you want to talk to.
I have to be more understanding of this though. She doesn't like me. She doesn't always want to talk to me. I'm not always fun. I can't blame her. I have to not take so much offense in these situations, it only makes things worse. Yesterday, she never called me and i know she talked to Atenia on the phone and i would have liked her to call but i was okay with the fact that she didn't. I did call her a bunch of times first but then i had to step back and take a minute to think.
Today, after school, i wasn't so good. When i asked Jazzy if we could talk after school, i was a nervous wreck and so when she told me she was going to go get coffee with Eli, and she didn't tell me Eli was going until i asked, i immediately thought to myself, 'Oh...they're going to coffee.' I shouldn't do that. I mean, yeah, i was feeling crummy so that was why i did but you get the point. Even if they were going to coffee, i can't have a real problem with that at all. (Sorry Eli for taking Jazzy from your coffee plans)
It's just hard to think of how she gets all close like that with Eli, right? I mean snuzzling and all. Also, Eli walks her to class and when i used to do that she'd get pissed. I have to understand that it's different. I was obsessive and stalker-like. It's hard not to just be completely jealous and upset of everything all the time. I need to get over doing this. It's really bad. It's unhealthy. It's why i ended up where i am now.
It's not just the thought of Jazzy with anyone else that kills me. Seeing happy couples is just so hard. The memories and feelings that are always brought back. I see happy couples everywhere. It's just such a downer. It's so depressing but i have to look at the bright side.
What's it matter at all that she doesn't like me right now? What's it matter that there are other people besides me in her life? What's it matter that i'm not number one on her list? I can't keep letting all these things hold me back. As long as i can see her smile, i can't let anything hold me back.
Last night, i was pouring orange juice because i was having cereal and OJ as a midnight snack and i was pouring it very slowly and i couldn't figure out what was wrong. I was pouring it into the cereal bowl. It wasn't even as if i had poured it in quickly and i was like 'Oh, crap!'- i was pouring it slowly and was like 'Oh...crap.' I've always talked to myself and heard things that weren't there and things like that, but it hasn't been until recently that it's really concerned me. It's a little scary.
When i sleep, i don't sleep deeply like i normally do. I don't sleep well. I always have dreams of no more kisses. It's those faces she makes that usually i'd kiss her for making but now i can't. She does it all the time. Now that i think of it, i don't know what expressions she makes that don't make me feel like that.
Today i've been just as sick if not worse then yesterday but my day ended up pretty alright. My day started off lousy though. I'm so sick and completely exhausted. I had to get up for the carpool and school. I had to face long block French first thing in the morning. I was worried all day and stressed and in pain from whatever it is that i'm suffering from. Yesterday, Jazzy said she might read my blog later. This morning when i came into school, Jazzy clearly was avoiding me or something and i was immediately suspicious that she had read it. Then, Robin hugged me. Robin doesn't just hug me. Nobody just hugs me, well, with the exception of Eve and, when i'm lucky, Eli. When Robin hugged me, i knew something was up.
I caught Jazzy at homeroom and she told me she had read the blog- the entire blog. I asked her if she was mad at me for now or what. I was really worried that we'd stop talking. After school we finally talked. She told me how she felt and the she was sorry and we cleared everything up. My intentions haven't been to blame everything on Jazzy and she didn't take the blame. She really understood that i wasn't just writing to say she's a horrible person. I wrote about all of this to break this chaotic cycle of bending the truth. I didn't want her to be able to downplay what i wrote here. We both understand each other. We're not arguing about who's fault is what, or who should be blamed. We both just fed off of each other when we were dating and things got out of control. Don't you hate learning things the hard way?
I still want to clarify a few things but we're open and talking now. We're going to go through the blog together so we can really dissect it. I'd like to know if she really did like me when we were dating. When making out stopped being enjoyable. If she did like Eli while we were dating. If she really had no feelings for me whatsoever right now. If we have a chance.
We've finally broken through to each other. It's such a relief. I'm still really sad that she doesn't like me and that she's with Gabi. I mean, i don't know what it would take for me to get over my feelings for her. It's heartbreaking, but i get it. It's just the feeling that everything we've had amounts to nothing. I know it's not true but damn does it feel that way.
I've never gone past first base with anybody but her, and i can't imagine ever doing so. I just consider it to be such a big deal, something really significant, something really special. She probably doesn't see it that way, but if she goes further with Gabi than she did with me, or as far, or past first, it would be so hard to deal with. I can't control their relationship but i don't know how to describe how i feel.
I'm so afraid that i won't be able to get close to Jazzy again. She came over after school yesterday and i just felt like something was stuck in between us. Hopefully there isn't anymore, but i still worry. I still worry that she can't like me again. I want to just watch a movie or Gilmore Girls or something with her and just snuzzle (snuggle + nuzzle + cuddle). I guess this is me worrying and making an imagines problem into a reality.
Another example of Jazzy 'being fair' is how she might say that she'll call if she can but she won't and she'll have called Eli and Atenia and talked to them. She'll say that it was fair because she'd already talked to me or she'd seen me that day or something. It really shouldn't be about that. It's about who you want to talk to.
I have to be more understanding of this though. She doesn't like me. She doesn't always want to talk to me. I'm not always fun. I can't blame her. I have to not take so much offense in these situations, it only makes things worse. Yesterday, she never called me and i know she talked to Atenia on the phone and i would have liked her to call but i was okay with the fact that she didn't. I did call her a bunch of times first but then i had to step back and take a minute to think.
Today, after school, i wasn't so good. When i asked Jazzy if we could talk after school, i was a nervous wreck and so when she told me she was going to go get coffee with Eli, and she didn't tell me Eli was going until i asked, i immediately thought to myself, 'Oh...they're going to coffee.' I shouldn't do that. I mean, yeah, i was feeling crummy so that was why i did but you get the point. Even if they were going to coffee, i can't have a real problem with that at all. (Sorry Eli for taking Jazzy from your coffee plans)
It's just hard to think of how she gets all close like that with Eli, right? I mean snuzzling and all. Also, Eli walks her to class and when i used to do that she'd get pissed. I have to understand that it's different. I was obsessive and stalker-like. It's hard not to just be completely jealous and upset of everything all the time. I need to get over doing this. It's really bad. It's unhealthy. It's why i ended up where i am now.
It's not just the thought of Jazzy with anyone else that kills me. Seeing happy couples is just so hard. The memories and feelings that are always brought back. I see happy couples everywhere. It's just such a downer. It's so depressing but i have to look at the bright side.
What's it matter at all that she doesn't like me right now? What's it matter that there are other people besides me in her life? What's it matter that i'm not number one on her list? I can't keep letting all these things hold me back. As long as i can see her smile, i can't let anything hold me back.
2 comments:
1.) I've totally done that with cereal. But lately I just start to put the cereal container in the refrigerator, that's more common.
2.) Hey, I totally "just hug you", right?
I'M TOTALLY JUST HUGGING YOU NOW
YOU'RE MADE OF DINGLE BOOBIES.
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