It sucks when she takes the time to just talk to her friends to chat and pushes you off when you need her. She does it to me all the time. She's willing to bend the rules for others, but not me. Then, when she's like 'okay fine' then she might as well have just said 'Okay, you're right. I do put everyone else in front of you, now i'll be fair about it' which is just bullshit. It sucks when you don't want her to go but you say bye and want her to say no but she just goes 'Okay bye.' *click* and it's just like that lingering *ugh* feeling.
Well that happened and then i called her back a few times. She should have called me back cause i knew her phone couldn't receive calls correctly but she could call people. Eventually she called back and it turned out that she was on the phone with Atenia. It was past ten and i asked how she could be on the phone and she said her mom was in the shower. Then she went back to Atenia. It always seemed like she used the 10pm rule as an excuse to have to go. Then she called me back to tell me something and then she went to leave and i asked why she had to go. She said it was past ten and i was like '...' i'm not hearing this. I pretty much was like wtf. Then she was like 'Okay, fine.' and that just made it not worth talking at all.
Oh, i forgot to mention this lady at the cemetery on Sunday morning. My parents and brother and sister walked down to the pond and i just slumped in the back of the car with my leg hanging out the trunk. This old woman drove up and parked behind the car and paid her respects and before she left she started towards me and actually checked to see if i was okay. That killed me. She seemed nice and i almost felt bad telling her that i was fine. She didn't even know me and some of the people who do wouldn't show that they care like that. No, i'm not saying any of you wouldn't but there are those who wouldn't.
Tuesday, i didn't know what to do with myself. I called Jazzy at least 300 times but when she checked her phone it said 99 missed calls since it can't hold any more. I didn't get our presentation done so we're going to go tomorrow instead. Mr. Finnegan sounded disappointed when i told him i hadn't finished it. On top of all of my other work, i forgot to mention that i also have a creative project due next Friday for Oedipus.
So me and Jazzy, or rather i have been tying to do something with just the two of us to catch up. I didn't really believe but i really wanted to think that she was actually doing this because she actually thought about me aside from the distractions of all her better friends. I thought maybe she still cared a little. Maybe i do still believe that. I don't know.
It had already been a horrible day. Monday night, i stayed up late and fell asleep doing the English presentation. This morning i woke up feeling horrible. I couldn't function at all. I showered and that still didn't wake me up. I slept until around 9:30 this morning and then i got ready for school and got there like halfway through D-block, History. It felt like shit most of the day.
So for weeks now we've been trying to set some time aside but stuff keeps coming up. After school she comes up to me and Eli, 'Hey guys!' all smiles and chipper as usual. That kills me. I love her smile. But shit does it kill me sometimes. Then she turns to Eli, 'I've got an hour. What are you doing?' That was like a slap in the face. Whatever though, it wouldn't have been so bad if i wasn't already feeling so crummy. I'm always feeling so goddamn crummy.
So she went to Eli's. She tried to get me to come, and she never seems to get that i never want to be away from her. I never want her to just say okay and walk away. I don't want her to be okay with me being miserable. I want to just be okay. I want her to not leave me there. Fuck, she went there for an hour and i paced around in front of the school. I got so frustrated, my teeth were grinding again, i punched the school and then my knuckles started bleeding.
It feels like i've fallen and she keeps putting her hand out to me just too far for me to reach and just as i crawl close enough to it, shes moved a little bit farther away. It's hurts so much to thing that my past relationship with Jazzy has amounted to nothing. I thought that our history meant something so much more than this. She can just let go like this.
Just like i figured she would, she came back with Eli. If she hadn't, there's a higher change that i would have flipped out and said everything i was thinking. That would have been the ned of it. She just left and i stood in front of Eli shaking. I went to his house but i didn't want to be there. I just didn't want to be anywhere, but with Jazzy. It's always so frustrating.
I went back outside and to the school but then i left and went back to Eli's. Then i got picked up. I hope she's happy now. She's got everyone on her side, just like she wanted. Nobody has to really give a shit about me. She's the only one who can make anything better for me. I don't care how many times she asks if i'm okay, how many times i say yes, she can be sure that the answer is always no. She only asks me when i'm not. I don't ever want her to just leave me there. Fuck. It's not all her fault. Fuck. She doesn't have to look for my sympathy. She's got everyone else's and it's not like she can possibly make me believe she knows how i feel.
On the way home my dad asked about my knuckles and i said i fell. He didn't say anything after that until we got home. he started asking all these questions and i didn't know what to say. What was i so upset about. Why couldn't i talk. I didn't say anything. I couldn't hold it together, but i couldn't talk. I just sat there. finally i went in. I was Jazzy online and we talked for like a minue until i said that i didn't want to talk online. She said she'd call me in ten minutes...and she called me in ten minutes.
Then she mentioned my hand and i didn't know what to say. She had seen my hand? She asks me about it now? Then we weren't talking but we were still on the phone and she starts typing to me online. Saying sorry for sounding so cold about my hand. She didn't mean to bring it up like that. Sorry for the day. She said she didn't choose Eli over me or anything even though it seemed that way. sorry for the mix up. I just sort of laughed.
After a while, i just asked her (on the phone), "Didn't you call me because i didn't want to talk online? And didn't you come right up to me and Eli after school, say, 'Hey guys,' turn to Eli and say, 'I've got an hour, what do you want to do?' even though you and i have been trying to get something to work out for weeks now? And didn't you go by me after school on the way to his house and stopped to talk to me, but still chose to leave me there and go to his house? And didn't you see me when you were on the way back to the school after i had been pacing around for an hour and a half, and see that my hands were bloody then, and you still just left, and now you ask?"
That's about as close as i can remember it. She didn't really have any way of responding to that. She makes counterpoints that don't really defend against everything but rather just distract from things. Eli knows what i mean. We argued for a little, then i asked her if she liked Eli. She said that they've always had this special thing,but she didn't really like him. She maybe liked him a little, but not enough to do anything with him or go out with him. Then i got really upset. She didn't actually like me when we were dating. Her thing with Eli can't be entirely new since they've "always" had something special. Then she, realizing she had ben caught in a lie, changed her whole story around. She misspoke. It came out wrong. She didn't mean it like that. She didn't like him. there was really nothing. Blah blah blah. I was just like whatever. There was a long pause. I think i just exploded into tears and hung up on her. She called right back though.
After a long pause, i told her that i hated her. We argued some more over stupid things. She still tried to make it seem like she is near the state i am in. She got kicked off the phone and i ran off to Lily's. Lily and i talked for a while. I was there for around an hour and a half. Jazzy called me back while i was there and i agreed to call her when i got home. She said she'd be online if she didn't have her phone. She didn't and she wasn't.
Just as things start to look like they're getting better, they end up horrible. Just as i was actually becoming convinced that Jazzy did like me and we were getting better, we broke up. Just when i thought Jazzy and i had reached a mutual understanding on the phone, i find out she likes Eli. The worst part is, i can't really blame her. I can't help but blame the fact that i don't feel like i am good enough.
I've been staying up late every night. I tried reaching Jazzy today but she didn't answer but apparently she was home. I fell asleep at like six or 6:30 i don't know. I didn't wake up until 9:30 and i called her. I woke up tossing and turning and kicking and really stressed out and anxious. She was in the shower. I hopped on the computer and my dad came in and told me that i needed to sleep through the night or else i was headed towards a total nervous breakdown. I've been in a state of mental breakdown for weeks. I called again at 9:47 and she was still in the shower. She called back like a minute later. She was talking to Eli online and i could hear it. It bothered the hell out of me. Her and i weren't really talking. I told her i was going to go. At first she said no but the she did go and her phone was static and shit and she couldn't call back because of the storm.
So i got out of bed and started typing online but not really typing. Saying 'hello' would have come out 'hnjuekolo' but somehow she undterstood what i was saying for most of it. I feel like such crap. I've been out of breath. Everything been hurting. MY chest pains have been worsening. Robin asked if i had heart problems. I don't know. I told her i was always out of breath and that i've been getting these sharp pains and she said that i should see a doctor. I guess i'm going to go back to bed now. How the fuck am i supposed to sleep?
Well that happened and then i called her back a few times. She should have called me back cause i knew her phone couldn't receive calls correctly but she could call people. Eventually she called back and it turned out that she was on the phone with Atenia. It was past ten and i asked how she could be on the phone and she said her mom was in the shower. Then she went back to Atenia. It always seemed like she used the 10pm rule as an excuse to have to go. Then she called me back to tell me something and then she went to leave and i asked why she had to go. She said it was past ten and i was like '...' i'm not hearing this. I pretty much was like wtf. Then she was like 'Okay, fine.' and that just made it not worth talking at all.
Oh, i forgot to mention this lady at the cemetery on Sunday morning. My parents and brother and sister walked down to the pond and i just slumped in the back of the car with my leg hanging out the trunk. This old woman drove up and parked behind the car and paid her respects and before she left she started towards me and actually checked to see if i was okay. That killed me. She seemed nice and i almost felt bad telling her that i was fine. She didn't even know me and some of the people who do wouldn't show that they care like that. No, i'm not saying any of you wouldn't but there are those who wouldn't.
Tuesday, i didn't know what to do with myself. I called Jazzy at least 300 times but when she checked her phone it said 99 missed calls since it can't hold any more. I didn't get our presentation done so we're going to go tomorrow instead. Mr. Finnegan sounded disappointed when i told him i hadn't finished it. On top of all of my other work, i forgot to mention that i also have a creative project due next Friday for Oedipus.
So me and Jazzy, or rather i have been tying to do something with just the two of us to catch up. I didn't really believe but i really wanted to think that she was actually doing this because she actually thought about me aside from the distractions of all her better friends. I thought maybe she still cared a little. Maybe i do still believe that. I don't know.
It had already been a horrible day. Monday night, i stayed up late and fell asleep doing the English presentation. This morning i woke up feeling horrible. I couldn't function at all. I showered and that still didn't wake me up. I slept until around 9:30 this morning and then i got ready for school and got there like halfway through D-block, History. It felt like shit most of the day.
So for weeks now we've been trying to set some time aside but stuff keeps coming up. After school she comes up to me and Eli, 'Hey guys!' all smiles and chipper as usual. That kills me. I love her smile. But shit does it kill me sometimes. Then she turns to Eli, 'I've got an hour. What are you doing?' That was like a slap in the face. Whatever though, it wouldn't have been so bad if i wasn't already feeling so crummy. I'm always feeling so goddamn crummy.
So she went to Eli's. She tried to get me to come, and she never seems to get that i never want to be away from her. I never want her to just say okay and walk away. I don't want her to be okay with me being miserable. I want to just be okay. I want her to not leave me there. Fuck, she went there for an hour and i paced around in front of the school. I got so frustrated, my teeth were grinding again, i punched the school and then my knuckles started bleeding.
It feels like i've fallen and she keeps putting her hand out to me just too far for me to reach and just as i crawl close enough to it, shes moved a little bit farther away. It's hurts so much to thing that my past relationship with Jazzy has amounted to nothing. I thought that our history meant something so much more than this. She can just let go like this.
Just like i figured she would, she came back with Eli. If she hadn't, there's a higher change that i would have flipped out and said everything i was thinking. That would have been the ned of it. She just left and i stood in front of Eli shaking. I went to his house but i didn't want to be there. I just didn't want to be anywhere, but with Jazzy. It's always so frustrating.
I went back outside and to the school but then i left and went back to Eli's. Then i got picked up. I hope she's happy now. She's got everyone on her side, just like she wanted. Nobody has to really give a shit about me. She's the only one who can make anything better for me. I don't care how many times she asks if i'm okay, how many times i say yes, she can be sure that the answer is always no. She only asks me when i'm not. I don't ever want her to just leave me there. Fuck. It's not all her fault. Fuck. She doesn't have to look for my sympathy. She's got everyone else's and it's not like she can possibly make me believe she knows how i feel.
On the way home my dad asked about my knuckles and i said i fell. He didn't say anything after that until we got home. he started asking all these questions and i didn't know what to say. What was i so upset about. Why couldn't i talk. I didn't say anything. I couldn't hold it together, but i couldn't talk. I just sat there. finally i went in. I was Jazzy online and we talked for like a minue until i said that i didn't want to talk online. She said she'd call me in ten minutes...and she called me in ten minutes.
Then she mentioned my hand and i didn't know what to say. She had seen my hand? She asks me about it now? Then we weren't talking but we were still on the phone and she starts typing to me online. Saying sorry for sounding so cold about my hand. She didn't mean to bring it up like that. Sorry for the day. She said she didn't choose Eli over me or anything even though it seemed that way. sorry for the mix up. I just sort of laughed.
After a while, i just asked her (on the phone), "Didn't you call me because i didn't want to talk online? And didn't you come right up to me and Eli after school, say, 'Hey guys,' turn to Eli and say, 'I've got an hour, what do you want to do?' even though you and i have been trying to get something to work out for weeks now? And didn't you go by me after school on the way to his house and stopped to talk to me, but still chose to leave me there and go to his house? And didn't you see me when you were on the way back to the school after i had been pacing around for an hour and a half, and see that my hands were bloody then, and you still just left, and now you ask?"
That's about as close as i can remember it. She didn't really have any way of responding to that. She makes counterpoints that don't really defend against everything but rather just distract from things. Eli knows what i mean. We argued for a little, then i asked her if she liked Eli. She said that they've always had this special thing,but she didn't really like him. She maybe liked him a little, but not enough to do anything with him or go out with him. Then i got really upset. She didn't actually like me when we were dating. Her thing with Eli can't be entirely new since they've "always" had something special. Then she, realizing she had ben caught in a lie, changed her whole story around. She misspoke. It came out wrong. She didn't mean it like that. She didn't like him. there was really nothing. Blah blah blah. I was just like whatever. There was a long pause. I think i just exploded into tears and hung up on her. She called right back though.
After a long pause, i told her that i hated her. We argued some more over stupid things. She still tried to make it seem like she is near the state i am in. She got kicked off the phone and i ran off to Lily's. Lily and i talked for a while. I was there for around an hour and a half. Jazzy called me back while i was there and i agreed to call her when i got home. She said she'd be online if she didn't have her phone. She didn't and she wasn't.
Just as things start to look like they're getting better, they end up horrible. Just as i was actually becoming convinced that Jazzy did like me and we were getting better, we broke up. Just when i thought Jazzy and i had reached a mutual understanding on the phone, i find out she likes Eli. The worst part is, i can't really blame her. I can't help but blame the fact that i don't feel like i am good enough.
I've been staying up late every night. I tried reaching Jazzy today but she didn't answer but apparently she was home. I fell asleep at like six or 6:30 i don't know. I didn't wake up until 9:30 and i called her. I woke up tossing and turning and kicking and really stressed out and anxious. She was in the shower. I hopped on the computer and my dad came in and told me that i needed to sleep through the night or else i was headed towards a total nervous breakdown. I've been in a state of mental breakdown for weeks. I called again at 9:47 and she was still in the shower. She called back like a minute later. She was talking to Eli online and i could hear it. It bothered the hell out of me. Her and i weren't really talking. I told her i was going to go. At first she said no but the she did go and her phone was static and shit and she couldn't call back because of the storm.
So i got out of bed and started typing online but not really typing. Saying 'hello' would have come out 'hnjuekolo' but somehow she undterstood what i was saying for most of it. I feel like such crap. I've been out of breath. Everything been hurting. MY chest pains have been worsening. Robin asked if i had heart problems. I don't know. I told her i was always out of breath and that i've been getting these sharp pains and she said that i should see a doctor. I guess i'm going to go back to bed now. How the fuck am i supposed to sleep?
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