No. 31

Alright, well i've got lots and lots to blog about. I'd like to be able to blog in audio and video as well as text so that i could blog in whatever medium i felt like. I actually plan on proofreading this so hopefully there won't be so many mistakes and things will sound a bit clearer. Everything i've posted so far has sounded so raw and disorganized.

I think all this stress is doing damage to my heart. On Tuesday after school i think it was, there was this pain in my chest and i actually got scared that i was going to die of heart failure. I still didn't get the 'something tells me i am going to die today' feeling. That isn't something i can explain well. I don't mean that in the 'i'm not going to make it through today' kind of way but it's just like this ominous feeling in the back of your mind.

I don't agree with Jen at all but there is a point i have to realize. Jazzy has thrown me into some fairly significant trauma and i can't live like this; i won't be able to survive much longer. I have to end this before it permanently end us. I can make things work, i just can't rely on Jazzy at all. I have it in me somewhere- i just have to dig it up. So Jazzy doesn't like me. So things weren't working. So this and so that but so what? None of it matters now.

This whole deal is just ridiculous. I have to move past this. I am going to start over and try this again. I guess i am terrified that it won't work but i can't let that stop me. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work, the most important thing is fixing things and working everything out, then i can worry about dating Jazzy and i probably wont really have to.

So on Tuesday, Jen cut Jazzy's hair at Robin's and Jazzy got bangs. Wednesday morning, i was sitting on main street waiting for Jazzy as usual, feeling crummy no surprise. She came in and i melted. She looked amazing; the bangs were incredible. I died. She just kills me completely. Eli and i were talking and he loves it too. He said she just became so huggable. She hugs him, but not me.

On Thursday, i waited after school for Jazzy because she was at costumes and we needed to watch 'A clockwork Orange' for out English project. We ended up seeing it at her house instead of mine because her mom was being stupid but it worked out better for her anyways because she had other work she needed to do too. Not that i didn't, but i guess it's not as important for me. It was okay but i got really nervous and she's always so goddamn sweet. It just kills me. My heart was racing the entire time.

Friday night was the Sophomore Sleepover. I met up with Eli and Atenia for pizza in Newtonville before the sleepover and i mean i was a little nervous but i really wasn't that worried at all. I can have fun at parties, but i have a tendency to get anxious and upset and once that happens, it almost always just keeps getting worse and worse. I told myself that i wouldn't let this happen and didn't think about it much. I figured i'd give it a shot but i shouldn't listen to myself. I was hopeful because things seems to gradually be working out but i'm tired and sleep deprived and dangerously unstable. Things were going fine. I made sure not to run off with Jazzy and leave Eli because i knew that i wouldn't have liked that. The three of us were doing fine- i was hopeful that i'd actually enjoy myself and i didn't suspect that the night would end up going sour.

Eli and i went to Dan A's house after school and Jazzy's mom called me asking if i knew where Jazzy was. I was about to tell her that i thought she was going to go to do her Chinese project before her orthodontist but then i realized that maybe the orthodontist was supposed to be first
so i hesitated and then Eli just told me to give him the phone. I handed it off and Dianne gave Eli a message to relay to Jazzy that Dianne's phone was broken.

So the three of us are standing together and then Jazzy goes 'Oh yeah, i forgot to be mad at you two' and we were just like What? She was grounded because she didn't know that her mom's phone wasn't working and then i realized that that meant that the only plans that i had made that made my weekend worth anything at all were just ruined again. We were going to see 300 in IMAX yesterday evening. She told me we could do it next week but i was still sad. It was a real downer. I was just totally bummed out.

Things weren't even too bad yet. I was bummed but i didn't see this ruining my entire night but after that i just started picking up on all of Jazzy's goddamn subtleties. Then, for the whole rest of the night, absolutely everything set me off. I can't recall the specific series of events that transpired but i picked up on how Atenia said that her and Jazzy were making Eli swim and that gave me the feeling that Jazzy really just wanted to swim with Eli. Only this wasn't really anything at all. It was actually just a thought that didn't ever really affect me. I'm not sure if it's even worth mentioning at all, but hey, whatever.

There was the fact that she seemed to be treating me and Eli the way she does to be fair instead of being true and honest. Worse yet, you can tell if she's being nice to you just to be fair. So everything that seemed to be going well so far all of a sudden appeared yo be really phony. She got closer to Eli, she got closer to me. I'm not happy and she isn't being close to me, she won't be close to Eli.

Still, there are a lot of opportunities for me to get closer, go in for a hug, but she just absolutely kills me. I still feel like i should be backing off all the time and that doesn't seem to be anything of a problem for her. She seemed really into taking me on in the obstacle course race but then she kept saying not yet and she ended up going on it twice with other people before she faced me. That bothered me a little but i didn't mind too much.

I wasn't really thrown over the edge until i saw Jazzy hugging Eli a short ways down main street. At this point of the night, she knew i wasn't doing to well. She didn't just hug him, i mean they were really hugging. It looked like a really nice hug, a long one too. It bothered me a lot, for some reason, that i didn't know what the hug was for. I mean it would have been somehow comforting to know who hugged who, and if they were being cute, if it was just a hug, or no matter what, it just bothered me the most that i didn't know.

The first thing she did after she hugged him was turn right towards me. The entire night, each time she got close to Eli, she'd look to me to check if i'd seen. We made eye contact and she knew that i had seen. I turned and rushed to the bathroom where i splashed cold water on my face and i knew things were going to be bad. I really had no reason to be upset, and it really wouldn't have been so much so if i hadn't already been feeling so crummy. At this point, even though i could have disregarded the hug, there was no real hope of turning things around. I could have just found out what was up with it and i don't think i would have been affected so much.

I pounded my fists into the heavy ceramic sink and it broke. The water came out from under the sink instead of coming out through the faucet. I've never been able to assert myself in a state like that, and she has never been able to help me. She gets so close and it seems like she wouldn't flirt with me when we first started gong out to not hurt Eli but now she won't stop flirting with him. Well, not that it matters now. I know that it's just a perspective thing and he didn't have it much better at all. He knows exactly what i'm talking about a lot of the time and often he'll bring stuff up and i'll know what he's talking about.

I was going to head off down to the gymnasium where it seemed like the least likely place for them to be. But i never wanted to be away from her. I never do. Whenever i try and act like i want her away from me, she asks if she should go, i just want her to always know- i want her to care about me like i care about her. I want her to ignore me if i make it seem like i want her to leave. I want her to get closer. I looked around everywhere else and realized that they were in the gym. I couldn't go up to them. I went down there and as soon as i spotted one of them i froze and Atenia spotted me and i ran.

I couldn't let myself start crying the whole night and i couldn't leave neither. I could have pulled off getting my parents to pick me up but i didn't want to explain anything to them and i didn't really want to be away from Jazzy. Thinking about the two of them flirting like hell while i would be wherever i was wouldn't have been as bad as witnessing it.

I got asked flat out by three people if i was baked out of my mind, Dan H said i was snoshed, a few people hinted that i looked really messed up and i got a lot of looks from people. I was sitting rather precariously on the wall to the stairs leading down to the cafeteria feeling like i was going to faint but i couldn't because i could have fallen right off if i had. I waited for Eli since he said that he'd come out in a minute. then i saw Jazzy lean over and lie on him and i just came out through the doors and walked right by. I made eye contact with her. I don't remember where i went. From that point on, Eli and Jazzy made a point to stay mostly apart. I think i may have just paced around for a while. My heart was racing.

At some point, i just went right up to Jazzy while she was just sitting with Atenia. I was so scared. As crooked and shaky as it was, smiled the biggest smile i could manage. They could clearly see right through it. I looked so messed up. I had to turn around a few times to stop the urges to start crying. I didn't really say anything, she didn't really say anything. It was awkward. It was scary. Everything is so frustrating.

I felt about to faint for the whole night. Eli asked me at least thrice if there was anything he could do. I just smiled and told him that she always let me fall. Then i collapsed. He didn't catch me. I fell hard and hit my head and i realized i was imagining things.

I don't know why but the entire night, it felt like absolutely everybody was against me. I felt like Robin and Jen and Atenia and Phoebe and everybody there had somehow been told Jazzy's side of the story and were influenced against me. This still wasn't the worst yet.

I can't go up to Jazzy and i can't be away from her. I kept my distance but i didn't go for far for long. When it was over early Saturday morning and they let us out at six, we walked to Eli's house to actually sleep. Atenia and i trailed behind Eli, Jazzy, and Phoebe. Atenia stopped to finish her cigarette. I waited for her even though she said i didn't have to. "I'm so pathetic."

"Why?" i asked. As she spoke i listened and i stepped right up to her and put my hand against her head and she let her head against me. She let out a sort of sigh and she hugged me and i hugged her back. We held each other in that moment and i began to cry. I shook but still held her back just as tightly. I think she kissed my chest and let go. She probably ended the hug because i was shaking or maybe she almost started crying too.

I just wanted Jazzy to hold me. To love me and care about me. To help me and be there for me. I wanted to run and i wanted her to follow me. I didn't want her to watch me fall anymore. I just wanted us to be happy again.

We got to Eli's house and went down to the basement to sleep. Jazzy passed out pretty quickly. Atenia couldn't sleep and Eli was in the other room for a little bit on the computer doing homework. Phoebe slept on the floor and Eli did too when he came in. I started grinding my teeth together, something that i have never done before, which made this really loud sound. I stayed up a little while with Atenia she asked if i was okay but i've been getting that so much over the past month it's barely worth ever mentioning it. Then she fell asleep and i stayed up a little bit more. I didn't actually end up sleeping until around seven. Then at nine started waking up. Jazzy and i were left and she said she needed a tissue. As soon as she got up to get one i knew she would end up going upstairs and leaving me down there. She did. It must have been 9:30 at the latest when i went up to Eli's room to find Jazzy and Atenia sleeping on his bed. He was downstairs in the kitchen being all awake and stuff.

I sat on the bad for a while shaking violently. This was the worst anxiety attack i've ever had. I've only one had an anxiety attack at a friends house once at Liv's and i didn't end up completely breaking down. I've never woken up feeling worse than i did when i went to sleep. i don't think i had the energy for an anxiety attack before i had gotten the two hours of sleep that i did. Maybe half an hour later Jazzy had woken up and tapped me. I was startled and she tried to make sure i was okay. She was a little concerned but i was obviously not okay. She ended up just rolling right back over onto the bed twice. I still sat there trambling and then she told me to lie down next to her. I was squished in between her and Atenia. She tried to calm me for a while and i think she gave me kisses on the head and shoulders a few times but nothings really clear. I stopped breathing a bunch of times which got me to quiet down a little. She said she was going to get water which really meant Eli and i knew that she'd be gone for a while. Why can't she just give it to me straight? After she left i rolled over into my stomach and started bawling. I just sobbed and shook and sobbed and shook. When she got back i stopped crying but i was still shaking.

I heard Eli come in too. They seemed to think i was sleeping. I heard her tell him that the loud noise was my teeth. I didn't realize how loud it was. Atenia didn't wake up. Then Eli told Jazzy she had to call her mom or something and they left. I rolled onto my side and curled up into a ball. I cried again. I cried and cried until Atenia woke up. She didn't know what was wrong. She went downstairs and Jazzy and Eli came up a few minutes later. They had been gone for a while.

Jazzy sat with me and tried to calm me down. It was horrible. My shirt was soaked in tears and snot. I got tears on Eli's bed. Jazzy's mom came to get her and she left and Eli sat with me for a little bit. He brought me tissues and i cleaned myself up. He stayed with me until i was calmed down a bit. Eventually i went to sleep and didn't wake up until five. Eli had to go to dinner and to this dance performance thing i think so i got picked up and when i got home, i blasted music in my room so that i couldn't hear myself think.

I have to thank Lily for supplying me with some god music to listen to. I've listened to it a lot. With the music on my parents couldn't hear me. I felt like such a madman. I started laughing and crying hysterically. I called Jazzy's cell phone and i had nothing to say. Somehow i knew she wouldn't pick up and she didn't. I knew she wouldn't, but it wasn't the kind where bothered by it. I just sat there with the phone until it beeped and i left a message because she called me back later.

She called me on my cellphone but i don't get good reception in my house so i couldn't hear her and right after Eli got dropped off at my house after his thing. Then she called my cellphone again right after he came in and i couldn't hear her again. Then she called the house phone and told me that she had gotten my message but then my dad needed my help moving some furniture so i told her to call me back in fifteen minutes. Two minutes later she called Eli's cell phone. It only took like five minutes to help my dad and almost half an hour for me to realize she wasn't calling back. I called her and she had fallen asleep. That was okay. I didn't have anything to say to her.

She was tired so i offered to let her sleep. She said she didn't want to but i think she was only saying that. I asked her if she wanted to talk to Eli but she said she didn't have anything to talk about with him. She was just saying that. She didn't have anything to talk to him about in front of me, maybe. She doesn't need something to talk about with him just like she shouldn't have needed an opportune moment to make me a phone call. She was saying a lot and it didn't make me feel too much better.

Then she said she'd go to bed and i told her to say hi to Eli and she agreed to talk to him for two minutes. I knew that meant more like at least ten. He talked to her for a while and i sat around until handed off the phone back to me. Jazzy and i didn't really talk and she was all 'I can let you get back to your sleepover' and trying to be subtle about leaving. She said she didn't want to interrupt out time after she just spent way over twp minutes on the phone with Eli to say hi to him before she went to bed. She wanted to talk because she likes us she said but she understood if i wanted to go. So she said she was going to sleep and i said bye. It felt pretty emotionless. Maybe it just seemed longer to me- i don't think so though. I guess it's understandable.

The entire night i was in pain all over. My head throbbed. My muscles were sore. My hands ached. My limbs were stiff. Mu lungs were tight. My chest was heavy. My ribs felt broken. My eyes hurt. My stomach still queasy. It was the worse day of my life. We met up with Lily 3:30 in the morning and she stayed at my house for a while. It hurt to laugh. It hurt to breathe. This is getting out of hand. Maybe i need to see somebody.

After me and Eli walked Lily back home and got back, we just crashed. We were exhausted. I had this terrible nightmare. I was at my aunt's house to open presents and when i opened mine there was this loud deafening noise and this melting feeling overwhelmed me. Everything went black and i couldn't hear. I realized that it was a bomb and that i was about to die. I don't know if i had stopped breathing in my sleep or if there was a loud noise in real life or what but i woke up gasping for air or yelling because Eli woke up and he was like "Dude, what happened?" and made sure i was okay. I was in shock for almost a minute but then i responded and let him know it was a nightmare.

This morning when we woke up we had pancakes for breakfast and then we dropped Eli off because we had to go the the cemetery to pay our respects. We go twice a year. Jazzy and i were supposed to go there a really long time ago just to walk around because it's such a beautiful place but that never happened.

We were also supposed to go to Larz Anderson park again but we never did. I put it on my calendar and each Saturday i'd end up having to move it to next Saturday- and i'm still doing that. We haven't been talking much since we broke up and we tried to set something up last week but it wasn't working so she said fuck the week and promised me time this weekend. Well, 300 didn't work out so she said she'd see me today. Then she said she'd stop by my house but i had misinterpreted that and actually said that she would try to- but turns out she can't. It didn't matter though. Her promises never did.

She said she'd call me on Tuesday and i called her when it started getting late and she was like yeahh...i'm at Robin's and i can't talk and it's late so i won't be able to call you later. If i don't call her to see what's going on i don't find this stuff out. She seems to do this kind of thing a lot.

Well i may pay a lot of attention to her, but she sure seems to make it a point to avid looking in my direction a lot. If only i could assert myself more i would be something worth paying attention to instead of being so submissive all the time.

I called Atenia because we've been meaning to hang out for a long time and she asked me if i wanted to hang out while we were walking to Eli's from the sleepover. I wasn't very enthusiastic because i wasn't doing to well so i apologized for that. I told her i couldn't hang out today but i wanted to sometime. We talked for a while and it was cool since it was the first time we've talked on the phone. She told me that she had talked to Jazzy on the phone last night for like an hour but Jazzy told me that she called me as soon as she got home and she hung up when she said she was going to sleep. Oh well. Atenia said that she'll call me later.

Jazzy tells people that it's not the fact that she doesn't like me that is a problem, it's just that i was so unhappy and miserable. The things that made me unhappy and miserable and worried were all because she didn't like me. Things are easier for her now, but things are worse for me. Things have never been so bad for me.

Sure, she's closer with Eli right not but so much of this stuff is just in my head. I just need to break through it and be able to be me again.

You know, i have this weird thing where often times i can see bad things coming before they do. It's not always bad things i see coming for example, during volleyball in P.E. i always knew when and when not the ball was coming to me.

To add onto what i was saying in my last post about being able to really read into the traits of someone you know extremely well, hearing Jazzy talk about her beliefs about god just made me realize what a different light we saw the world in. I don't really agree with what she thinks but i can understand her even if she doesn't know how i see things. She also mentioned a while ago that the wasn't to keen on the idea of marriage.

I don't like the idea of a private blog so my goal is to be able to open up this blog by not having so much of a focus on Jazzy. There really is so much more that i think about but Jazzy has taken up so much of me now. I haven't been able to check my activism email account in two weeks. This has never happened before. It's not like it matters anyways. I could just make it public right now and not tell anybody about it. It makes no difference.

I have so much to do. It's Sunday evening now. i haven't even started my work. I have hours of research to do for my History research project. I have to make 50 (overdue) notecards and have an outline for my paper by tomorrow. I have to make up the English test i missed on Wednesday tomorrow after school which means i have to read the play Oedipus Rex and study to 60 vocabulary words for the test. I also have to put together my book group's presentation for 'A Clockwork Orange' to present on Tuesday. The term ends Thursday so i have to make up all of my work by then. I still have a chem lab from the beginning of the term to make up. I missed the quiz in Math on Thursday so i have to make that up by coming in early before school on Tuesday and Wednesday and then on Thursday is the big test. In computers, i have to do the first major project of the year, which is designing computers for a software company and creating a presentation to detail it.

I can't wait for vacation. I need it so badly. I'll be able to fix Eli's computer and i'm going to get the new Ubuntu linux which will be so cool. I also have to take a look at the materials that 'Where There Be Dragons' sent me for mt Thailand trip this summer. There was a lot more i was planning on but i don't remember right now.

I hope this blog post came out okay. The proofreading didn't really help that much i don't think. It's is better than it would have been, that's for sure but it's still disorganized. I'm just really tired.

P.S. Eli- we need grapefruit next weekend
Lily - We need to finish 'Requiem for a Dream'
Robin - We need to go biking and do some baking
KayAnna - You need to get your ass down here from Maine!

No. 30

I was really tired when i made that last post. I'm at home today. I wasn't prepared to face school today. As if things didn't seem final enough before, i just talked to Jen and she made it clear that Jazzy does not like me and that "SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH [ME] ANYMORE" I'm sure Jen has only heard Jazzy's side of the story, but if Jazzy's side of the story is that she does not want to be with me anymore in all caps then there really isn't much hope and i'm not sure how much longer i can deny that for. She said that i absolutely need to get over her and that it's better to hear it from her than Jazzy. It's so devastating to feel like this is it, like this is really it. I think that i would rather hear it from Jazzy though. It'd hurt even more than this does but she'd finally be giving it to me straight, actually, i'm sure she'd be able to twist it. Still, i want her to just be honest with me and i'd love to just get everything out to her. Give it to her straight; finally make things clear. Maybe i'll invite her to this blog. My conscience is telling me that that won't help at all.

I still have hope.

No. 29

Jazzy doesn't understand a lot of things. She told me she didn't understand why anybody would chose to eat alone somewhere. I ate alone after school yesterday and i thought of that.

The little opinions and mannerisms and those types of things that you may notice on a person in the first few weeks or maybe months of getting to know them don't mean much of anything until you really know them well enough to understand how they reflect upon character.

My eating habits have become as bad as my sleep habits. I didn't eat at all today, with the exception of around 8 Froot Loops from Molly, until 10pm tonight.

I see Jazzy closer to Eli than she was to me while we were dating and i don't doubt that they'll start going out again. They're all huggy and flirty. She'll explain that the series of events that transpired was as unpredictable as emotions themselves because she can't help her feelings. I am simply at bay to her game. What she can't explain is why she always downplays everything she does, even though it always leads up to what she said it wouldn't.

I talk a lot about Eli and Jazzy here but this isn't really about Eli. I'm just being as open as i can and i don't want to hide things to make them seem like something they're not.

Jazzy and i have been through so much and we've both done bad things, but she seems to spin my story and twist hers so that all the things we've done are at least on par. Like i mentioned before it's another way she makes it seem like a competition. She tricks me and trips me up on the way she phrases things and pulls these delusive and crafty word games. I mentioned before how she gets annoyed when i ask her questions. She feels like she's being interrogated and she gets irritated at me when she expects me to not be at all irked by how she deceptive she can be. If something is wrong that isn't my fault i still say sorry. She says it's okay. She does something and i'll tell her it's not her fault and she doesn't have to be sorry even sometimes when it is and she should be.

As much as i wish i could tell about Jazzy without demonizing her so much but she's really the one who has demeaned herself. I try to include as much of her side of the story as there is, the only thing is there isn't much of one. Well obviously there is, but she'll present something that's been disproportionalized.

Here, i go on and on identifying everything Jazzy has done, identifying all of these incidents and bad things, but i don't get anywhere and she doesn't get a word of it. Not that it would make a difference if she did. I just need to get this all out i guess. It's something she's never truly allowed me to do. I want to just drop everything and start over. I don't have a doubt that i can't do it and it's worked very well before. Things just got way out of control. I might not use any advice i was given, but i'd still like some additional perspective.

Well, i'm really glad i have somebody who i've stayed in touch with for years just emailing back and forth every other day, somebody who is always really down to earth and caring, somebody who gives great hugs and is a really cool friend, and somebody who can relate to me, talk to me, and articulate my thoughts for me. Thanks everyone, here's to you.

No. 28

I'm at the library and i'm supposed to be getting work and research done. I really haven't gotten anywhere and they close in an hour and a half. I'm so thoroughly fucked. I'm on my laptop using their free wifi which is so convenient.

Today was bad but i didn't notice it as much. I mean i did at the end of the school day but the day just seemed to pass me by before it began to grow towards it's end. Jazzy and i had long block F-block (the last block of today), English, together and we didn't talk at all.

I told her that it wasn't worth talking today after school because she told me last night that she had about half an hour before strike, whatever the hell that is. Still, after school today i tried to be with her, but i couldn't go up to her. I stood around and didn't know what to do. She didn't come up to me, but she knew i was there. I mean i can't really have expected her to but yeah, whatever. She was with friends and people.

When they left, she went in for strike with crew and i followed her in but she didn't turn around and i think she saw me but i'm not sure. Well either way she went into Lasker Auditorium and i just sat just outside for like 20 minutes waiting for her to come out but then i decided to get a ride and leave since she told me last night that it went until late.

I called her while i was waiting outside but i hung up after 5 seconds. I'm not even sure if it had a chance to ring. She called me when i was home and strike let out really early and she was heading to Robin's. I had stayed around school for her for and hour and then i left and so did she just minutes after. Bleh. She said she'd call me later.

I'll finish telling the rest when i get home.

Hugs are nice.

No. 27

The past three posts have been ugly, and this will without a doubt be the wost. My condition has been progressively deteriorating. I've been thrown into this vicious cycle of stress, sleep deprivation, dysfunction, poor performance, incomplete work, more sleep loss, more stress, eating less, etc. I get shaky and start trembling and my joints begin stiffening up because of how much i've been shaking for a long period of time. I want to throw up. My hands and feet go cold. My mind is numb. My eyes are dry and tired.

Just when i thought her and i might start getting over this, i realized that we really aren't. I see us growing farther and farther apart and her and Eli getting closer. I'm not sure that my relationship with her was ever comparable to her and Eli's.

Eli knows how i feel. From talking to him i can understand what he tells me and he can understand what i tell him. I realize that a lot of the stuff i write here may seem extreme but please try to see that i am being bombarded by emotions and that i have not lost all logic and reason. This is the only place where i can vent, since talking to Jazzy is no longer an option: i have to make due with this.

Jazzy doesn't know what i am going through. She doesn't understand because she didn't feel the same way about me. She's enticing and manipulative and she gets what she wants. She gets her way, always. She's always needed a scapegoat, at one point she blamed much of her problems on Robin. It's always been a competition. I don't know why. She always had others. I have you guys, yeah, but i can't even remember the last time i got a phone call from someone just to talk. Socially, i am not as well off. Jazzy doesn't know what this is like. She doesn't know what anything is like, even if she "understands" she will rarely be at all empathetic.

I tried talking to Jazzy online. Things didn't go too smoothly. They started off very uncomfortable and so she said she'd call me later. Forty-five minutes later, i ask her if she's still doing math but she's moved on to History. I'm the only one she pushed off all the time at every opportunity, aren't i? She needs to find time for me but she can make time for other people. I'm the hassle, the burden, the chore.

I was already very uneasy and she didn't help at all. I asked her a few simple questions: If she had told Atenia that the day at the park with Robin, Jen, and i made her uncomfortable, who Mary Ann was and why did Jazzy feel like her (the day she broke up with me she set her Facebook status to "Jazzy is feeling like maryann." and i just noticed it yesterday on her feed and i thought she was talking about Marion from Requiem for a Dream), and what was with her being so huggy on Eli on Friday.

Her first answer wasn't in the best tone but she said that it wasn't uncomfortable, but friendly. She dodged the second two questions entirely. The second was apparently insignificant. I asked her if she meant unrelated, and sure enough it was only insignificant. Anything relevant, is significant to me. I tried to get her to tell me and she then said that it was irrelevant which she just said wasn't turn before. I knew better than to bother calling her out on that. For the third, she wanted clarification on the term "huggy" and then she did not recall anything like that. It has since occurred to me that she is like that to Eli always now. No commitment whatsoever to a relationship to bind her. I found out the song was "Sailor Song" by Regina Spektor.

By the time she told me that it wasn't at all about which song or what. She had the impression that i was angry because i thought she felt like Mary Ann from "Mary Ann" by Regina Spektor. But by the time she told me which song it was i was just fed up with her turning everything i do into something wrong, discrediting my feeling, and turning everything i say upside down and back around at me.

It wouldn't matter whether or not she understood me or what's going on if she only cared about me; cared enough to ask, "What's wrong?" instead of, "why are you so pissed?" or to be there if i am pissed instead of flipping a bitch on me. I can't deal with this. In the end i just begged her to leave me alone. Since she's broken up with me, i've discovered so many different and terrible feelings that i never knew existed.

She already has Eli and i on a hook and no matter what, we are going to be at the mercy of the game she plays. Maybe others will be dragged in. If she wants one of us, we won't be able to turn that down. I can't speak for Eli, but i sure as hell don't have the strength and i am not as noble as i'd like to be.

No matter what, whether i have her or i don't, she is what drives me. No matter how she torments and teases, flirts and flaunts, misleads and manipulates, however things turn out, however she thinks of me in the end, i will never give up what i have for her and what she does for me. I can never really hate her no matter how terrible i feel, i still love her.

I just hope that in seven years i don't find myself looking back on this and thinking i was a fool for ever thinking this.

No. 26

You know, i really can't tell whether the things Jazzy does are specific to me. Talking to Eli, it doesn't seem to be that way but i still can't help but get that feeling. I feel like she can't show me the commitment an loyalty while we're dating that i can while we're not. Even when i didn't speak to her i remembered promises that we'd made to each other and i kept them. She kept them, for the most part, but she forgot about them and the was nothing stopping her from breaking them.

When her and i started going out again, she made sure that we didn't act like we were dating at all in front of Eli. No being close or flirting of any kind. She was very good at it too. I understood that she didn't want to hurt his feelings but now in hindsight i'm not so sure if that's all there was to it. She flirted with him constantly while her and i were dating and she never stopped. After how much we had talked about it there really is no excuse for that. It's unfair. She'd walk with me between classes but she'd always be off in a hurry when she had b-block study or math during g-block. She said it was because she didn't like to be late to her classes. She never cared much about the other ones, and coincidentally Eli is in her Math class and study. That might just be in my head though.

Meh. On my way to A-block (French) this morning, i walked by her in the hallway and she didn't look at me. I knew she knew i was there. And i knew she knew that. It wasn't a good feeling. She walked clear pas me without so much as a glance. The tension has to loosen up a bit. It's so hard to be like this. I ride up and down on this emotional roller coaster (yes, i am aware of the cliché). So, today we broke the barrier of silence. It was very, very awkward.

Even though i haven't been talking to her for the past few days, i still go out of my way to walk by her classes on the way from one of my classes to the next hoping that i can still see her every once in a while. So on my way to history i saw her in the hall in yellow and she asked if i called her last night. She knew i did. I knew that but told her i didn't know anyways. It was very classic like ,"So..." and stuff. I wasn't doing much of the talking though. Finally, she said she was going to art. I said i was going to History. I went one way, she went another. As i came out on the fourth floor from the staircase she was coming up the hall and she stopped and, realizing what we'd done, couldn't help but laugh. I gave a slight smile and then i was off to History and she was at art.

I think it was when i was on the phone with Jazzy on Saturday night and not talking that she kept asking why we weren't talking and what was up. She keeps saying that she wants to be here for me and it get me so unnerved. I know i shouldn't be, but just thinking of her "being there" is as painful as it is pleasant. I don't remember when, i think it was when i ran into her outside of her Chinese class when i was on my way from computer repair to History, but she asked if we were going to hang out ever.

When it was time for lunch i went around to run into her. I found her in the cafeteria. I pretended like i wasn't looking for her. I went and sat on that weird round bench thing around the big column thing. Eve sat next to me and gave me a hug. *Tangerine squid mongler* Jazzy spotted me and we exchanged many awkward glances. I didn't know what to do. I looked at her, turned towards the spot next to me, opposite Eve, occupied by the plate left from somebody's lunch, i moved it aside, and looked back at her. She took the seat.

I had the privilege of buying her a bag of chips which we shared. We were gong to leave the cafeteria probably to go be with the rest of her friends but that didn't happen. I asked her what she was doing after school on out way back to class and she had costumes. That was okay since i have lots of work to do.

After school i waited by her locker. It was a weird feeling doing that for the first time in a while. I still notice her even when i'm not with her. I may not be looking directly at her but i'm still paying attention to her whenever she's in eyeshot. I wonder if she does this to me too. Well, when she came i asked her to 300 in IMAX this weekend. Maybe that will work out. I also asked her what was going on today and tomorrow. She was pretty intolerant as usual, "too many questions!"

There's three things going on here. First, i may simply be curious and trying to figure out what's going on. Second, i might not have understood it the first time. Third, i'm tired of getting a skewed story the first time i ask so i have to make sure she's not omitting or twisting anything. I don't think she likes not being able to do that. She always make me feel crappy about it. Well, after that she was off to GSA which didn't pop into the picture until the second time i asked her what she was doing after school.

Well, i'm exhausted. Stayed up late and i'm way behind on my research project. My grade is plummeting. Headaches are still pretty bad. No anxiety attacks in school, or none serious enough to get me to the nurse. Hopefully things can start leveling out.

Oh, and i forgot to mention what miraculous thing happened yesterday. I was at Lily's house last night to get work done...and i got work done! More than i have in the past few months! It was really cool. We've gotta do it again. It almost worked when i tried it with Eli but then it didn't haha. When i got home it was back to procrastinating though. I've gotta start working like i mean it or else i'm screwed.

Until next time.

No. 25

Well that was a very ugly post. At least it's something. After that post i went to bed and then my phone rang a few minutes later. It was Jazzy calling me back. I still couldn't speak. I was tired and scared and upset and anxious. We fell asleep on the phone. Well at least i think that's what happened since i woke up and it was still on but i can't be sure that it wasn't just me who fell asleep. At least i didn't cry.

Why am i here? This wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I thought things were different. she made me believe the things she told me. She made me guilty when i didn't. I thought we really had something going. I thought we had so much potential. I knew we had some problems but i thought she really liked me. I put everything into that and got nothing in return. I always knew that there was something more that was wrong.

No. 24

I haven't posted in almost a week. Feels strange...i just couldn't do it. I didn't want to go on about my daily activities and random recollections of the events past; about how i've been staying up every night, how i haven't been eating normally, how i still cry all the time. I just couldn't make out anything more than that i felt completely used and manipulated and hopeless. I even considered discontinuing this blog.

It's hard for me to tell whether or not rambling on about my day by day experiences actually does anything besides detract from what little significant content there is. I don't even know what to say or how to say it without feeling like i'm bitching on and on about nothing, but then again, here i am doing it right now. I hate to be coming off as some creepy obsessive emo and weirding everyone out because i'm being to open. Self-censorship isn't really my thing either so i'd probably just make this a completely private blog. Then i'd never feel like there was a point to writing. After a thinking for too long like this it's hard to see anything but pointlessness and futility in anything.

I guess i'll give you a brief summary to read over if you want. So yeah, on Monday i ended up staying up until almost 6 in the morning. I had a horrible week. I haven't been able to get much sleep, even with MCAS disallowing teachers to assign any work. I didn't start my Frankenstein project for English until i got to school the day it was due. I didn't make the last deadline for my history research paper and i almost broke down in front of my teacher when i told her but she let me off the hook probably because of how violently i was trembling. I had my appointment with the world renowned Dr. Ferber.

It's so hard to even think about Jazzy not to mention see her or talk to her. I can't get my mind off of it. No matter what it's always there but i have to put on a smile when the situation calls for it. That's not to say that my smile is always just artificial, it's just that no matter what, even if i am having a good time, i still can't help but think of her. I don't know how i am going to be able to put this behind me and start over again. There's no hope of making anything better right now.

My mom said that Dianne, Jazzy's mom, said that Atenia said that Jazzy said that she wanted space and that i pressured her into giving me hugs and that i made her uncomfortable. I haven't tried to hug her at all. I knew it wasn't true, but it was a reason to call her. She said that i was fine, but she also said a bunch of other stuff. She didn't seem honest at all when she said she'd never said that. She didn't remember saying something that could have been similar to that because she'd "said a lot of things." There's no good way to take that.

Now that i think about it...maybe it was that one time since we broke up that i thought was nice. When we were at the park with Robin and Jen. If it is...i feel sick.

Well that night wasn't good. Then again it wasn't too much worse than any other night. This finally feels completely over. She told me she still wasn't over it. I told her she was over me. She said no. I asked if she was saying that she still liked me. She said no, she was saying she wasn't over it. At that moment i knew that everything since my first doubt in our relationship has been entirely delusive.

She twisted everything to keep me there when she didn't actually like me. She pushed me away and kept me from leaving. She backed of but kept me following. She gets what she wants. She never actually cared to do anything to help me. She just needs somebody to sympathize with her, to hear her side of the story, and then it's all just peachy keen. She needs sympathy, somebody on her side. She can't be sorry for anything. I'm sorry for everything. She makes it seem like i am against her when she really just works against me. She lead me on.

Jazzy told me that she can tell that i like her because i play with her hair. You can tell when she's coming on to somebody too. The difference is that for me, you can only use that to tell if i like her. I think she might like Eli but can't advance because they've already tried going out. She gets what she wants.

Sure, maybe she did think that she liked me, that she wanted things to work and sure, she wasn't being malicious intentionally, but she wasn't true to me, or herself. She was misleading and for the first time in my life i just feel regret. Regret because once again we failed, and it's more than we just fell apart. I don't know what to say.

I did some more crying. Jazzy's used to hearing my cry on about whatever. It doesn't even matter why. Later, my mom told me to cry myself to sleep but i don't think she knows how much i've already cried. I did it anyways.

I've probably sounded like a douche bag so far since i haven't really been explaining myself. I try calling Jazzy but i am too angry and upset and sad and scared and i hang up. I emailed her and we began to make plans but then i emailed back and with just a "nevermind". So she doesn't like me. It's such a strange feeling. I almost threw up so many times yesterday.

I was just sifting through pictures and memories of her on Facebook and i saw that she removed our relationship status. This post is beginning to fall apart as the time ticks by and i lose my mind. Everything is all scattered.

I don't want to talk about how much i cry. I'm afraid of what you will think of me. After school yesterday i was supposed to go to Eli's house after school but i ended up almost two hours late because i was out crying alone and in the cold. The headaches i've been getting are becoming unbearable.

I've had that song Atenia played on his computer playing in my head. I don't know why. I was standing when she put it on and i just zoned out. I swear i would have collapsed and passed out if Eli hadn't caught my attnetion and i snapped out of it and sat down on the floor. I feel like i've been losing myself in extended trance like states more and more lately.

Eli slept over. We talked. He understands. It would be easier for me if i could just post our dialog here. I know i'm leaving out so much but i'm tired and can't remember everything or think straight. I'll catch you up more later.

P.S. Up until now, the only people granted access to this blog were Eli, Robin, and Lily but there now is the addition of KayAnna.

No. 23

Oh no it's number 23! My all-nighter senses are tingling. It's four am but this post will probably be stamped at three am because of daylight savings time. I finally completed my English essay rewrite but i still have to at least get my math work done tonight. I also just emailed Mr. Finnegan back.

"Mr. Finnegan,

You are right. I have been hearing from everyone since middle school since that is where my grades began their gradual and steady decline along with my average hours of sleep per night. Lately, i have really begun to lose myself more than i have ever let myself in the past and i've let myself slide too far. I'm sorry for my behavior and i wanted to say thank you for sending me this email. I know that i won't be able to gear back up instantly but i will not allow this to get any worse. I am going to work to get better. I think that i really needed to hear this from you and its given me a wake up call. I've talked to my parents and i've already talked to some of my teachers about catching up on work in other classes. Thank you again.

I sent you my essay re-write. You'll need to use the print link on the page instead of file --> print so that it will print the entire document instead of just the first page. I'm sorry again that i didn't let you know that i wasn't able to hand it in when it was due.

-Danny"

I hope this doesn't make things awkward but whatever. My brain pains.

No. 22

I'm glad to see (almost) everybody making comments now! It's really hard to write without getting any feedback because then i get unsure and insecure :$

A lot has happened since my last post. After i left Robin's house, i had dinner at home but i found out that Jazzy was with Atenia and Eli and i just assumed she was still hanging out with them. I felt really really really left out now. I already found out on Friday night that Jazzy got snowed in at Eli's house. I mean i was still holding it together but i was really just...i don't know. It seemed logical that Jazzy ditched Sophie's party because it would have been more difficult to leave the party early to hang out with Eli and Atenia who it turns out didn't mean to ignore me on Thursday. Robin and i both thought that that was what happened. I'm good friends with the three of them but i still get left out of these plans they make with each other. I mean i guess i'm a relatively new addition to each of their lives comparatively speaking but i can't help but feel really excluded even if it is just and exclusive thing between them :/

It seemed like Jazzy ditched me because she said that she couldn't hang out on Saturday because she had to babysit yet she was still hanging out with Eli and Atenia at like 6. I was so upset. I mean last night before i talked to Jazzy on the phone i tried to start an entry but all i could think to say was how hopeless i felt. How completely empty the world seemed. All i could see in anything was futility.

I had called Jazzy when i got home from Robin's because my mom said that she'd called. I called her back and she told me she was with them and i was just like- *burn* I felt like throwing up it was so bad. I shouldn't have been so devastated but i'm still not getting over her or breaking up with her at all. I just didn't say anything else and i told her that i'd talk to her later.

I felt so sick i ended up just going right back over to Robin's. She gave me a long hug. I wanted one but when she gave it to me i almost started crying. I tried to let go but she didn't so i held on a bit longer, and those last few extra seconds did make me feel a lot better. Jen ended up coming back over too but they went for a walk while i got a little bit of math homework done and worked on Robin's computer more.

When i got home i felt like crap again. I called Jazzy since she said she would call me and it was like 11:30 but she was in the car on her way home and she said she'd call me back in like fifteen minutes. I couldn't believe she was out for so long, i just felt even worse.

Eli has called the relationship Jazzy and i have 'epic' but reading this blog, you all might not see it so much like that anymore. It's all just a lot of unnecessary, over-played drama. We shouldn't have so much trouble, but it seems like our problems build off of each other. I am insecure and i worry and i have problems feeling loved. She hasn't been able to control herself or show what she says she feels. I don't think it's anything that her and i can't work past. I don't know what i would do if she wanted to start dating again. Eli is still crazy about her and i think Eli is the coolest cat around :P If he ans Jazzy started dating, i would be crazy jealous, but i would rather find out about it than have it concealed from me. So, Eli, please don't hide anything between you and her from me. Thanks.

So Jazzy called me and i couldn't talk i was so angry and upset. My mouth went dry and my feet got cold and i began to tremble violently. I was talking to Robin online and she got me to cry and she was right, i probably needed to. Jazzy was on the phone and i cried for almost two hours. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe through my nose at all and i was hyperventilating and gasping for air and coughing and sobbing and oh what a night. Robin said i shouldn't hold back but i get urges to cry all the time when i think of Jazzy. I told her that i couldn't just start crying in front of her and Jen or something. She said that it would be awkward, but it's be okay. I guess she is right.

After i finally stopped crying, i sorted out what actually happened with Jazzy. On Friday, Eve and Lily were at Eli's house. When i had called Eli that night he only told me that he had 'girls over' and i assumed that it had just been Jazzy and Atenia hanging out there. I knew they got snowed in, but i thought that was just after Jazzy ditched Sophie's party so that the three of them could hang out. Jazzy was going to get a ride to the party with Lily, and she was about to when Atenia OD'd on her meds.

Robin thought that Jazzy told Lily that she wasn't going to the party because she knew that Robin would be angry if she ditched it but it was really that Lily was there with them and Jazzy didn't just ditch the party. So i guess Eli and Jazzy went and got Atenia while Eve stayed at Eli's to watch his sister and then Atenia came back to Eli's with him and Jazzy and they got snowed in and Eve, Atenia, nor Jazzy could get a ride home.

I think Robin is right when she says that Jazzy needs to show other people a little bit of the dedication she shows Atenia. I mean in this case what happened is completely understandable but other time's Jazzy has left me hanging when i really needed her just to have a casual conversation with Atenia. Then yesterday morning and afternoon i was with Robin and Jazzy did try to reach me but i wasn't home. She ended up hanging out with Atenia and Eli and i missed out because she couldn't reach me.

So Jazzy didn't completely ditch me. That was a huge relief. I overreacted but i am still thoroughly bummed out that i didn't get to see Jazzy at all this weekend. She said she'd try and see me today though since she did have to go to North. I hate that being left out feeling- Eli and i have talked about this and we should be on the same page here. Well i was up past 2 in the morning just having myself a good cry.

This morning i was woken up by a doorbell. It was Lily! She lost my number so she couldn't call me like she was supposed to so she just showed up. I have to say i thought that was pretty cool. Even though it was like 11:30 and i was in my boxers and still asleep- i don't know anyone else who would have just shown up. So i got up and got dresses as fast as i could and then i fed her because she hadn't eaten yet. She had a bowl of cereal and i cut her two pieces of Rice Krispies Treats. I had a bagel with smoked salmon which she had never seen before but she didn't find it too appealing :P Then we played Super Monkey Ball for a bit and then we went upstairs and i showed her linux on the laptop in my room.

We didn't hang out there for too long. She still hasn't seen Requiem for a Dream even though i gave it to her weeks ago so we decided to go to her house to watch it. When we got there she made me some CD's and got some for me to borrow. I have a total of eleven CD's which i am borrowing and 5 burnt CD's that she gave me. We forgot about the movie but it's okay since we probably wouldn't have been able to finish it and her special friend Josh was coming. I thought that it would be awkward because i was worried that since he's seventeen he would be big and intimidating but when he got there i forgot that he wasn't our age and he turned out to be pretty cool. He was a little flinchy at first because i think he was awkward or nervous i'm not sure but that didn't last too long. I think he has a funny kind of voice when he talked but he was pretty good looking and him and Lily were being all close and heehee.

We got a short tour of Lily's house (sorta) and we hung out in her room for a bit but then we went down for tea. I didn't have any but i had milk to go with the Oreos they were having with their tea. Lily's dad is really cool. We were all talking about computers and i told him that i use linux and he does software so he thought that was cool. After that we played Katamari and Guitar Hero. It was my first time playing Guitar Hero and the second Katamari game. I only have the first one.

I got picked up at 5:30 and i found out that he had to leave Josh had to leave at 5 and i felt bad. I would have given them more time alone had i only known that he had to leave then. When i got home i just chilled for a bit since i was really tired but during dinner Jazzy called my cell phone but i missed it and i don't use my cellphone at home and she knows not to call it but she stil does so i waited for her to call the house and she didn't until almost ten minutes later. I assumed she was calling somebody else.

She was still at North but she couldn't see me today because it was too late. Her ride was there so she said she'd call me when she got home. That was at five past seven. She signed on at 7:40 and said hi to me and she said she'd just gotten home ten minutes earlier. I told her i couldn't talk online and i wanted a few minutes for her to call but she didn't. I asked her whether she was going to call or what and she was like jeez. don't be pissed. Then i kinda got pissed. I had just already had a bad weekend and the way she retaliates against me always just makes me feel like crap even more so than i already do in those situations. She told me not to assume things like that all the time and i told her how i felt and we were both sorry. She called but neither of us were in a good mood but we didn't really fight either.

My weekend had a lot of fun stuff and a lot of not fun stuff. This is the first weekends in a while that me and Eli haven't hung out and it's sad. It's not past eleven at night an i have math work to do and to catch up on, history work to do and to catch up on, my English re-write which is over a week late, the English project which i haven't even looked at, studying for the vocabulary quiz from months ago which i am finally making up tomorrow after school, a meeting with Ms. Berg, my chem teacher, tomorrow morning before school at 7 to go over all of the work that i have missed. I was hoping to throw a shower in there too somehow.

Well, time to go get started on that.

No. 21

I just woke up again. Only this time i am at Robin's house. She went downstairs for food 45 minutes ago and she said she'd bring something up for me. Maybe she forgot i am here :P oh well. Well IHOP was a ton of fun. She got a delicious waffle and coffee and i had...ham, sausage, eggs, hash browns, bacon, pancakes, orange juice, fries, a pickle, some of Robin's waffle, and a cheeseburger with lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and mayonnaise. I found my wallet under my bed this morning before i left! I was so happy. I lost it like two weeks ago. It has so much money in gift cards and it had my credit card in it.

After IHOP we hit up iparty and hooked ourselves up with Sour Punch Straws and Apple Heads- that's right, Apple Heads! They had lemon, cherry, grape, and apple heads! They are so delicious. After that we walked around staples for a bit before we headed off on our journey walking home in the fresh new half foot of snow.

On our way home, we tried icicles off of this branch and it was salty from the stuff they use on the road so we started spitting on the ground and then when we looked our spit was green! We quickly realized that it was just from the Apple Heads we'd been eating. It was a long walk and it took 2 hours to get through all that snow, but it was fun.

You know, i think starting to hang out with Robin a lot again, and becoming friends with Eli, are two of the best things that have happened to me in a while. It's been really great and something that i think that i really needed. Lily's really cool and things aren't awkward without the tension of dating.

This blog hasn't been such a success as i wanted it to be though. I still haven't been able to express myself much more that i would have been to otherwise, and i don't get comments *hint hint*, but at least i get this down somewhere and keep a record of it.

She's actually letting me fix her computer now even though she's been so afraid to let me do anything to it in the past. She always thinks that i'm going to mess it up. It's updating now and it's much faster stuffs. I didn't Google-ize it or anything bad!

I have to go home soon. I feel like i'm forgetting something but you'll hear from me again soon.

-Danny

No. 20

I just woke up. I actually woke up before my alarm went off but i didn't get up. I still sleep with the love bunny Jazzy made me for Valentine's Day. It's almost become essential for me to have something to hug when i am going to sleep. Before i fell asleep at Robin's yesterday, i grabbed on of her pillows to hug.

I am really bad at blogging. I don't explain things well either. I don't proofread any of this so it's all probably riddles with errors. There's nothing interesting, or engaging, or insightful that i talk about on here. This blog probably makes me sound like a whiny bitch who has no perspective on anything. I promise i'm not like that!

Guh, well i'm obviously not awake enough to but together a nice entry for you all to enjoy reading so i'm off to go get ready for IHOP with Robin!

No. 19

I'm exhausted but i wanted to fit an entry in before i want to bed and forgot everything.

Today went by okay i guess. during lunch Bella told me she was mad at me for not telling her what happened between Jazzy and i. How could i? It's that whole "i told you so" complex- on top of how bad it was on it's own. Anyways aside from that, i talked to Mr. Finnegan today after class which was the last class of the day (F-block) and it was really awkward and i was nervous. I was trembling and blah it was okay though. I am going to respond to his email. I'll let you know when that goes down.

After school, i went up to Robin's house with Jenji Fruit (Jen) and we hung out then baked and then went back up to Robin's room where i climbed in her bed and fell asleep for like 45 minutes while Jen and her hung out. Then my dad came and got me at 6 (and woke me up!) but Robin was laving for a birthday party and Jen as leaving because Robin was leaving. I've been at Robin's without Robin though- and just hung out with Dylan and stuff. Anyways i called Bella when i got home like i said that i would.

She came over and we watched the second half of Fiddler on the Roof. I've been trying to reach Jazzy all day and she doesn't have her phone and she wasn't at home. It turns out that she got snowed in with Atenia at Eli's house and i'm not sure how i feel. A little uncomfortably but i mean i'm not like upset or too concerned or anything.

I was talking to my Linux buddy when i found out and we were closing off the conversation, "alright, any more questions before I go do other stuff?"

I asked him how i was supposed to react to what i just found out. He replied sudo mv /dev/girlfriend /home/yours which is a command for the linux terminal to move girlfriend into my home folder! It was the funniest thing ever and it basically made it all better. But then i tell Robin about it and there was a long pause and then she said "isnt she not your girlfriend" and i was just like *stab in the chest!* but it was okay. It did spark a big talk about the Jazzy dilemma. I think what it comes down to is that she didn't really like me.

Not too long ago, i just copied the documents from my old computer onto here and i found an incomplete list of 124 reasons why i love Jazzy from the last time we dated. I think it was because Valentine's Day would have been our 124th day dating.

I'm too tired. Robin and i are going to get up in the morning and go to IHOP and iparty and Eli and i have to hang out too. Then Sunday is Lily. Getting...so...drowsy...Goodnight.

No. 18

I finally saw Lily's god today. I've seen him around before but i had no idea that that was him. He would have been the last person i'd have guessed it was. He's not that good looking in my humble opinion (sorry Lily) but then again, i'm pretty straight and i'm unbelievably picky when it comes to judging men.

I've got to get work done tonight. That email from Mr. Finnegan is something i really needed to hear. He's my favorite teacher and he really got the message across in that brief email. Also, i'm going over to Robin's house after school tomorrow to bake and party and stuff and i want to be semi-conscious so i can enjoy my time there :P

P.S. Do you all know how to comment?
Just click on the number of comments below the post and then write up a comment and publish it!

No. 17

Today was interesting. I've slept a total of ten minutes since my last post. I'm starting to pull all nighters again. I am sad. I had more Skittles today which got me hyper and my mind off of things but i don't know...as soon as i stop and think i can't help but feel really depressed. I'm exhausted and i walked all the way home. My dad was supposed to pick my up but that failed. I'm not thinking straight or clearly and i'm still trying to work things out. I saw Atenia after school and she completely ignored me. She wouldn't even look at me. I hope this doesn't have something to do with Jazzy...

Well...

I sent Mr. Finnegan my two songs for Frankenstein and they were:
Giovanni Mirabassi - Je Chante Pour Passer le Temps (I Sing to Pass the Time)

Misfits - Monster Mash *Yes, this was just as a joke

And i sent them with the following email:
"This is a piano solo called "Je Chante Pour Passer Le Temps" by a French jazz musician, Giovanni Mirabassi. I think this song is quite fitting for the monster as he observes the cottagers. The song beings sounding like searching for something, or somewhere to go. He finds the hovel. When there is the pause and then a two notes played, could stand for him finding the crack through which he can observe the family in the cottage. As the melody goes on you can relate it to how he felt learning of their ways, and then realizing his contribution to their poverty by taking their food. Towards the end you can imagine him becoming more and more curious and then finally deciding to reveal himself to the cottagers. Closer to the end you can imagine the huge fiasco as the music gets more powerful.

I also thought the other song was quite appropriate for the book :)"
Looking at it now, it says that it was sent at 3:45 am which explains how poorly written it is.

Today, he responded during school after having heard the songs...
"Danny,

Your First song, the Mirabassi piece, works well, and your explanation is apt. Your score on this assignment is 20 / 20. I would like to take this opportunity to discuss missing / late work with you. I recommended you for the Thailand exchange because of your desire to pour yourself into what you really like. This exchange is exactly that. But, your English skills do not match your work ethic. You could be an A student, but you don't turn in your work, at least not on time. You still haven't given me your essay re-write, which is now incredibly late and will take a major grade slash as a result, and you have not yet made up Frankenstein Vocab Quiz 3. We need to get this taken care of, and you owe it to yourself to do what is asked of you on time. You actually came into the Honors test with the intentioin of going into Honors. With your current work ethic, I don't think you belong there. You need to demonstrate more responsibility for your own advancement; otherwise, you will continue "settling" for Bs.

Mr. F"

I don't know what to say. He's right. I've been aware of this for a while and i just haven't done anything about it. Where he mentions the Honors English exam, he is talking about how i showed up but then slept through it...

My grades have been on a steady decline since middle school. I've never had a term without any A's- until this year. I didn't get any A's in any of my classes both terms this year. It's really discouraging. And warnings came in the mail today. I have never gotten so many warnings. First term of this year, i got a positive warning from Mr. F and now look at what my teachers think:

English - Mr. Finnegan

• Needs to participate more in class.
• Positive attitude.
• Exceptional comprehension.
  
• Is capable of better work.

French - M. Jobe

• Excessive absences may result in grade of N.
  
• Performs poorly on tests/quizzes.
• Needs to participate more in class.
  
• Needs to increase effort at speaking target language.
  

History - Ms. Wilkins

• Homework assignment(s) missing.
  

Math - Ms. Reynolds

• Excessive absences may result in grade of N.
  

Chemistry - Ms. Berg

• Major project/paper not completed.

Today was registration day for next years courses and i just kind of moved along as the day went by without choosing m electives until homeroom at the end of the day. Ms. Reynold said that she would recommend me for honors math next year but if i didn't bring my grade up she would cancel it. My grade went from a B- first term to a D second term.

I am so tired but i have so much work to do. There's no way i can stay up. I know i shouldn't, but i am going to nap because there is no way i can avoid it.

No. 16

It's only day 7 and i am somehow already writing my sixteenth entry. It's actually my sixth of the day. I just wanted to explain my blog a little bit. For a while i've been trying to think of a screen name or title that doesn't sound emo, isn't something silly that will get old, and hold at least some meaning. Finally, The Silent Number.

You can interpret the title how you like. The Silent Number. a number can be a musical or theatrical piece, a performance, a collection of poetry or songs, something of a series distinguished by numbers, an individual, or simply an identifying number. Silent. A silent piece of music? Silent expression? A silent performance? Trying not to just become a number. Trying to be more than just a number; more than just a record.

This blog is for me to record my feeling, thoughts, and actions from day to day and none of my posts have a title, only a number, and that is all they need. The numbers alone hold no value but to identify the entry. A title is nothing more that that, right? Although i still capitalize names, you'll notice that i don't capitalize "i" unless it's at the beginning of a sentence or i'm quoting somebody else.

I thought about the title of of this blog along the url. The Silent Number and silentnumber.blogspot.com It's important to me that i chose carefully the name. Silent Number, The Silent Number, A Silent Number, or My Silent Number. Regardless of the title, this is mine so "My Silent Number" would be redundant. Although there is not just one single "number," "A Silent Number" and just "Silent Number" doesn't hold together like "The Silent Number." Each one of these entries are a "number", but so is the blog as a whole. "The Silent Number" seems more collective and identifying. It's not too deep, i am well aware, but it isn't meaningless either.

I also recently registered the.silent.number@gmail.com and i am considering using this as a personal email address.

No. 15

I forgot to mention- i got my acceptance letter from Where There be Dragons to their Thailand study abroad program! I am really excited but i will miss everybody so much! Especially you guys! Six weeks! I do worry, though. Since Jazzy and i are broken up, i feel like she's going to try drugs, or hook up with someone else while i am gone. It seems like the only thing that has kept her from doing drugs is that she knows how against it i am. Eli is too. It's upsetting to me how different i think Jazzy would be if i weren't here. I think she's always acting and i don't like it.

I am against drinking, doing drugs, and i don't drink coffee, and i even avoid taking medicine. It's just artificial and i think it takes so much away from a person. If you want to be all that you can be, you just don't do those kinds of things. It's not a matter of moderation, it's simply the choice to do it, or to not. There is no reason why you need to do that to have fun. It does have lasting effects on your brain and whatever you lose from it, you don't get back. It doesn't seem so big, and maybe it's not, it's just something i am opposed to.

No. 14

Jeez...March really does suck. Now i can be one of those people who hate March- which is apparently everyone. Anyways, there are some brighter prospects which i am looking forward to. Robin and i are going to IHOP again this Saturday. Hopefully, Jazzy and i will be able to hang out sometime Saturday as well. I get to hang out with Lily on Sunday. Lots of fun things. I talked to Laura online today. I haven't in a while but i saw her at that thing at that church in West Newton. I talked to Fi today too and she said' "so i never see you anymore" and i told her that we could hang out whenever and she took my number. We probably won't hang out for a while because of West Side Story and she does costumes. I was talking to Lily about the picnic today and she said she like picnics except she didn't like being close to the ground. Just like anybody, she doesn't like bugs and she thinks the ground is dirty. Turns out she's never just lied in the middle of a grassy field at night to watch the stars so it's been put on out to-do list for when it gets warm to sneak out and do that. Then she'd like the ground more!

PS. Since i couldn't decide whether to change the blog URL from silentnumber.blogspot.com to thesilentnumber.blogspot.com, i just made thesilentnumber.blogspot.com redirect here :)

PPS. ELI: MAKE A POST ON FUN WITH GRAPES! Hahaha

No. 13

Again, Jazzy tried to hide that she was trying to do stuff with Eli today. She's done this with other people like Joe and Isaak who i already mentioned but above all she does it whenever she has any sort of plans with Eli. I talked to Eli today and he pointed out that Jazzy doesn't seem to be completely honest, something i've already taken into consideration. I mentioned how on Monday i was in bed all day and on the phone with Jazzy i broke down. Well i had asked her if she would like anybody else and she told me she wouldn't for a while. Now, the question i wished that i had asked is, then is this something that is going to last long enough for her to stat liking somebody else? She's told me that she wants things to work and that she believes that they can but she has always told me what i want to hear, but always acted differently. It seems as though she makes a decision to believe something, or think or feel a certain way, but may not necessarily actually be true to it. Instead, she convinces herself of it but acts upon how she truly feels inside. It's sad. I haven't cried today. I don't think i will. I always feel like crying, but there's no way to weep away this pain. I need to hold it together, and do what i can for Jazzy. I have to show her who i am and try to make things right. I want her to like me again-- and i mean really, actually, genuinely like me. I have no other choice, as much as this will kill me, it is all i can do. It is what i must do.

No. 12

Ahh so i just woke up a little bit over an hour ago and had dinner. I forgot i was supposed to see M. Jobe after school for help with the homework in French! I also forgot that tomorrow i am supposed to meet Ms. Berg to do my lab but the Environmental Club has a meeting so i'll have to come early in the morning :( Oof and i flunked that math test we had on Monday for sure.

No. 11

Last night i stayed up until 5 and i didn't get anything done. I got my iPod running with Rockbox and it's really cool! Only i burnt all of my CD's as lossless FLAC files instead of compressed Ogg Vorbis like i should have so they took forever to import onto the iPod so i'll have to fix that because it's already 10% full now.I didn't sleep much at all-- only around 2 hours but i got my second ever hug from Lily this morning! I wasn't really ready for it but it was still nice to get the hug. I just barely made it through the rest of the day. Thank goodness it was a short day. In history, i didn't have prepared what was assigned for a week ago and the next step is due tomorrow so it's going to be awkward handing them both in tomorrow. I still didn't have it by today and i lucked out that she didn't ask me for it. There was the normal homework that was actually due today that i didn't do but we went over it in class, so then i just put down whatever we went over. Next, was English. I still haven't done the essay rewrite which was due last Friday and i haven't taken the Frankenstein vocab quiz for list 3. Last was chemistry, and i haven't done my lab which i wasn't in school for on Friday. I could go on and on about all the work i have to do :(

After school i ended up with Robin, Jen, and Jazzy and it wasn't bad. I just have to not think about things or be sad, otherwise things will just get worse. We all went to Shaw's and bought food and we had a picnic at Washington Park. It was actually fun. I peed in front of them, but i was behind some bushed and one of those boxes for electricity on the ground. Haha I had candy which i usually don't have so i was really hyper. Things just might work out. I just can't help but be really sad in the back of my head. I always have the feeling in my gut that i just haven't been able to get rid of. I'm exhausted so i'm going to crash.

No. 10

Eli and i are such bad-asses! On Saturday night at the concert thing at the unitarian church in West Newton, Eli and i went upstairs and found this big empty room and i discovered that just outside the windows was the roof. So i took us outside and we walked around on the roof and took two slate tiles as a souvenir :) Eli accidentally tore up like 6 of them which i was trying to be careful not to do but i couldn't get one out easily. Then we both peed on opposite corners of the roof.

When we told Lillian and Julia they wanted us to take them up there. So later on we did. We got Eli, Lillian's friend, and Julia out there when Lillian was about to go but then one of the people there caught us and made us get off the roof. It was funny and Lillian was disappointed that she didn't get to go out. In the car my dad asked me what the piece of slate was i told him it was my lucky stone and he just laughed and didn't ask anything else.

Other that that it wasn't too great of a night. I didn't like the music much and the only bands that were good at all were the last two. I saw Lillie's ex-boyfriend Paul there and he was wearing his Linux shirt that she told me about. The two vocalists in his band absolutely sucked and it made me want to cry for them. I also saw Laura and Layla and that was kind of awkward. She gave me a hug and another when she left which was cool.

Eli and i ran into Roxy and we went to go get some food at that Thai place in West Newton, Mangoes, and Roxy and i each got a Thai Ice Tea and Eli got a fried rice to go. It was sort of awkward at first but then it was fine. Other then that i spend a lot of the night standing around awkwardly, sitting by myself, or going outside where it was wet and cold. Lillian kept bugging me about what was wrong and i didn't tell her but finally she was like- it's all Jazzy! It's not worth it. I told her that her and i were no longer and she just told me that i needed to get over it and that people like Jazzy can't set their mind on something like this.

Eli and i walked back to his house and we talked some and he knows some of what i'm dealing with and i completely understood what he had gone through. I wanted to cry but i didn't. When i got picked up i gave him a much deserved hug and let him finish my bowl of captain crunch. It was an interesting night.

No. 9

There was something memorable yesterday...i received my first-ever Lily-hug! I've been talking to her more and more and she just keeps getting cooler and cooler. :P She's been really really sweet and we are going to hang out this weekend and walk home from school together sometime next week. I was talking to her online last night and when she left i said "See you tomorrow" and she replied "yup! (you're a good hugger, btw)" and i didn't see it when she first sent it so by the time i tried to reply she had already signed off but that made me happy. I actually smiled which was fun :P I haven't gotten a lot of hugs for a very very long time so it made me feel a lot better. Thanks Lily!

No. 8

I never ended up really crying Sunday night/Monday morning. I was too tired and i just ended up passing out. I didn't do any work at all. Yesterday ended up being pretty bad. I missed the carpool again and came in to school late. School was pretty miserable, then after school i walked halfway home and then got picked up by my dad after i had gotten over the big hill on Newtonville Avenue. I got home and i got in bed and then i phoned Jazzy or the other way around and i was tired and i broke down and it was horrible. Everything sounds so final but she says that it's not and they she still likes me, and the she wants to try to get this to work just not right now. It's all so frustrating. I've gotten to the point where over the past few days, my head is constantly throbbing and my eyes are always itchy and dry from sleep deprivation and crying every day.

She has plans with Atenia and Eli on Friday and she tried to hide it again. She has always tried to hide when she's going to be doing something with Eli. She still does it. I ask her why she's busy and she says that she's hanging out with Atenia-- but now i know to ask if it's just the two of them. She did the same thing with Joe and Isaak. Her excuse is that it's only because the plans are more solid with Atenia but she wouldn't do this with anybody else. If it were anybody else she'd say she had plans with them too or at least say that they might be coming. Not with Eli. She says she doesn't like him, and not just to me either, but it's so troubling to me the way she flirts with everyone. In middle school, i was a huge flirt, and i didn't see it. Then i changed and i just expected the same from her. Last night she finally caved and took the blame for what happened. Still, she just doesn't want to deal with this anymore. She's so misleading and ahh i don't know what to do.

So after we got off the phone i stayed up late and my internet died so i couldn't make another entry and i stayed up trying to run down my ipod battery like Lily told me to (I just got a 30GB iPod Video by the way) and then i just showered and went to bed at like 3:30-4 in the morning. We drive the carpool on Tuesday and we were ten minutes late for the second week in a row and everybody was probably so pissed. I need to git it together....

Today wasn't too great of a day but after school Kay drove me and Jazzy into Harvard Square to go shopping for a little bit. We actually were really pressed for time but we managed to get bubble tea and pizza. I got mango slush with boba and she got a kiwi slush with boba. I actually had to go and buy the bubble teas and the pizza while she was shopping because we didn't have enough time. I went to bed when i got home and woke up a bit before 9. Since then, i've just been putting Rockbox on my iPod and ripping my CD's as FLAC files and then i'm going to put them on my iPod.

No. 7

This post is for ROBINNN!!!! I've been listening to the mix you burnt me religiously! It's amazingness. I hope you like the mix i made you but remember that you can't overdose on it because it'll make you kill yourself. You have to make sure that you take it when you're in a goofy mood or it's like taking anxiety pills when you're already chill as hell. IHOP next weekend! Don't forget!

P.S. Do you guys think that i should affix a title to these posts? So like it would say "No. 7 | ROBIN!" or something like that.

P.P.S. Comment some, yo!

No. 6

I haven't really cried today. Not yet. I've been such a crybaby about this :\ I've held back so much today. You're probably sick of hearing about me bitch on and on about Jazzy so i'll give you a little break--

This morning i wake up and goddamn daylight savings time takes an hour away from my sleepy time which is very very valuable. I made plans with my aunt to come over at 11:30 to continue working on the website she hired me to create with her. I get over there and now she's registered a new long-ass domain name that like boston-somthing-something-something-something.com and she's signed up with a new domain management site that she found in some internet millionaire scam book. So i tried helping her work with that for a bit but it was a complete mess so we switched back to what we were doing before. She makes thing so difficult! She has no idea what she's doing. She can't double-space anything without hitting enter twice and she doesn't even know what a link is! I finally got to go home after i had done everything she wanted me to.

So then i waited around at home. Lily and i were supposed to hang out this weekend since i need to keep myself busy or lose my head. She said she had a pretty tight schedule so i figured we wouldn't end up being able to. I talked to her about the whole Jazzy thing and Lily is amazing. I thought it'd be really awkward but she was really nice. Then again everybody already knows that Lily = awesome :P I've gone to school with Lily for four years (since the beginning of middle school) and i never met her until the beginning of this year. I tried dating her when i first met her cause she was the first girl i had felt any attraction to since the last time i had broken up with Jazzy but i kinda screwed it up since i was so unbelievably shy and awkward. So since then, i haven't really been able to get to know her better and i've been missing out on the awesomeness that everyone raves about :(

I just brought my old computer back up from the basement with my middle school music collection on it and i finally fixed it by putting Ubuntu linux on it. The thing is, all the music sucks. Over 5,000 songs and probably only 100 of them are worth listening to at all. I don't like low quality, compressed, mp3's and i need some good music. Lily is like an indie goddess --that sounded so much more creepy than funny lol-- so we were going to have a CD burning party but Jazzy told me over the phone that she was on her way to Ashley's to do some filming for her Chinese project and i saw Lily online so i was wondered if she was on her way or something but it turned out that nobody had called her like they were supposed to. At this point i knew that she was too busy to hang out so we rescheduled for sometime next weekend.

Jazzy told me that she might be able to hang out after she was done filming with her group and she said done around 4. I hung around at home until a bit past three and then i went for a bike ride. I realized that my bike was at Eli's since i left it there last night after we went to that concert thing at the unitarian church in West Newton so i started to walk but my mom stopped me and gave me a ride instead. I was biking back towards Newton Corner and i pulled out my phone to call Jazzy but i was the time was close to only 3:30 so i thought i'd wait half and hour until it was 4 but as soon as i put it back in my pocket it rang. Jazzy was done so i biked down to the park to meet her.

She offered to take me to C&N so we went there and got some fries, baklava, and a grape fanta. The fries weren't very good and i don't like soda that tastes like medicine but the baklava wasn't bad. Things were going okay but then she said she wanted to go to her favorite place of all. So we walked, or rather, she walked and i biked with her to the top of the Sheraton Hotel parking lot. I didn't talk much. We sat down and she talked to me for a while. I listened but i had to hold back crying and i couldn't let her see. I think i kept it together pretty well. She let me listen to a few songs from the happy mix she made me and another song that she likes off of her iPod and it definitely worked up some tears for me.

We walked back to the park and sat on a bench. The whole day is already kind of blurry to me. It's already past midnight so technically all of this happened yesterday. I can't take how she seems so much closer to me now. She asked if i wanted a hug and i didn't know. I knew that i wanted a hug, but i wasn't sure if i could accept it from her feeling the way i did about our situation. She was confused at first and she probably thought that i didn't really want one. She figured it out though. She told me she wanted one, i nodded in agreement, and said i did too, and we hugged.

After she left i went to Robin's house because her dad wanted me to help them get some furniture into their house that they bought. After i helped out i hung out for a while and her computer didn't update the time for daylight savings so i ended up coming home an hour after my mom wanted me back. Then things got messy.

On top of the stress i'm already trying to deal with-- my dad starts asking these questions about who i had gone biking with and how i could have been biking the entire time. I don't know why i didn't tell him the truth...he already knew. He was just testing me. It really wasn't anything to hide, but i hid it anyways. Somehow things escalated to a point where he was going on about how Jazzy was playing me for a fool and influencing me to be deceitful towards my parents. He sounded like such an asshole the whole time. I couldn't believe what i was hearing. He said that it was never about what he thought of Jazzy but it was about protecting me against girls who were apparently like her. That was when it was clear to me that he really did have something against her this whole time.

I told him it was bullshit and i actually said "fuck you, dad" to his face for the first time. That felt pretty good. Then later my mom came up to my room and was much more reasonable. As much as the things my dad said got me mad, i'm worrying that he's starting to lose it. Over the past year he's started looking more and more unhealthy. Something about him is changing and it's scary. He's been smoking since he was my age and he can't quit. Then again it's not like i can take any better grip on my life.

I'm here blogging about nothing. Nobody is even going to read this and i haven't done my english paper rewrite which was due Friday, done any of the math homework over the past two weeks, or worked on my history project at all. It's past 1 am Sunday night and i haven't even checked my assignment notebook. I just have to put my mind to it.

No. 5

This is for Eli. He is amazing. We've just had some bonding and we've opened up about Jazzy and aren't arch enemies.

No. 4

So Jazzy calls me 'cause we were trying to go to Harvard Square but her mom wouldn't let her and she was really upset. I don't want this. This isn't how things were supposed to be. Things were supposed to work. I hate walking away like this. I want to be able to tell her i love her. I want to be able to kiss her. I don't want to hold back. I don't know what to do. I can't be there for her like i want to be. I can't think straight. These entries probably sound like a mess since i've been writing them all late and when i'm really tired. Nothing makes me feel better. I'm not okay with this at all.

No. 3

So it's been hard. Jazzy came over to my house after school yesterday. She walked over and we hung out for a while. We clicked better yesterday than we have in a long while and it was really hard for me to hold it together. It was bittersweet, a word i mostly try to avoid using. I walked her to Robin's and then she asked for a hug. We both started crying. She broke up with me on Thursday after school. I knew she was going to. I've cried a lot, but i've also held back a lot and i feel ready to break at any second. I still haven't cried as much as the time she wanted to go on a break. It only lasted a day because we always click so well without the tension of dating-- or maybe it's just the fact that we aren't together that brings us together.

I've been trying so hard just to figure out how i am going to deal with this. I stayed home on Friday from school because i just wouldn't be able to hold it together. I'm in that state where almost anything can make you break down into tears. She's asked me so many times if i'm okay. I tell her again and again that i am...but every time she asks i just focus on not falling a part and i tell her i am okay. She says that she is okay too but goddammit-- i am not at all okay.

No. 2

*Warning! Long post ahead! This entry may contain mushyness and boring babbling.*

So we have a complicated relationship, Jazzy and i. We always manage to end up like this. This time was supposed to be it though...this wasn't supposed to happen again, but yet again, we have ended up here, single and not happy about it. This time started off so well. It began after a half a year period of not speaking and avoiding all contact-- more me avoiding her than vice versa. Over that span of time i couldn't bear the thought of her. To me she was just someone who had, and would continue to hurt me with her indiscriminate affection towards nearly everyone.

Once i started loosening up and began speaking to her again, i couldn't deny myself any longer that i was still in love with her. Mushy mushy, i know :P Anyways, it was at Larz Anderson park that we came to realize that we each still held these strong but delicate feelings for each other. She had taken me there as a surprise because she had never been there before and i had previously mentioned to her how pleasing it was and how i enjoyed being there. It really is a nice place-- tranquil and beautiful and such a wonderful atmosphere.

We didn't kiss. We didn't hold hands. We didn't even give a real hug. The touch barrier was broken though and we got close, something i hadn't allowed in a while without backing away, shrugging her off, or even half cringing. I was getting over Lily, someone who i have gone to school with for four years, but never met until this year (school year, that is), and she was getting over Atenia.

Since then, a lot of things have come between us. First, she's somewhat of a flirt and that got to me a lot. I'm still not sure she is fully aware of this blaring characteristic of hers. I found out that she had dated Eli over the summer for a while. I wasn't too worried by this at this point. Since we had split off on our own ways, Robin and her disbanded from our circle of friends and joined with Liv, Marg, Eli, Jonah, Lucas, etc.

Over the summer while we weren't speaking, i heard a game of strip poker with her mentioned that i didn't care to hear any more about. Donnie, Berman, and i had played a few games of strip Mario Kart (yeah, we're that cool) but don't worry, we didn't see each others' special parts :P Since we had began that tradition, we'd experimented once with poker but somehow i got left out of this circle and they began playing with other people.

It was the night of the Wii campout that i found out the details of this particular game of strip poker from which i had been excluded. I was dating Jazzy at this time. It was November 19th (the Wii came out on the 20th) and i was camping out in front of the BestBuy with Donnie and Berman. Somehow Donnie mentioned seeing Jazzy naked. I've had previous experiences with Donnie lying about getting action from Jazzy.

At Eden Dotan's Bat Mitzvah, i was dating Robin at this time and Jazzy was my ex. Jazzy and Donnie were flirting off the walls and later Jazzy reported to me that Donnie had been really sweet to her that night. I explained to her what side of the story he presented me-- He took me into the bathroom and told me that the two of them hooked up when they went for a walk around the building and that she had felt around his crotch and stuff. Many days later i found out that he had invented the story.

This time though, Berman gave Donnie a look and was like "What?" and he was like oh yeah...we're not supposed to talk about that. Berman was like yeah and then they were like whatever. So clearly, there was more truth to Donnie's story this time. I was stuck there with them for 15 hours waiting for the store to open. From what i gathered from the two of them, they played strip poker with Jazzy in Berman's basement and they were my two best friends and she was my ex (at the time that they played). She was topless and she may have had panties on. I didn't know what to do. I walked behind the building a bunch of times and just cried.

Turns out she was topless but she was mostly covered by her hands or something but whatever. She did have underwear on and her pants were only partway down. I couldn't believe that Berman didn't object to Donnie's exaggerations. The both of them were harassing me and rubbing it in my face the entire night. I didn't sleep a wink. they took a nap or two while i watched our belongings. Either way, i did not go over finding that out very well.

I talked to Jazzy about it and at first she was all like "I can't be sorry for that" but then i guess i got her to come around and be sorry but i was still uncomfortable for a while. I just couldn't believe she would do that. It completely contributed to my conception of her while we weren't talking over the summer, a flirty sleaze.

I got over that stuff but then she began flirting with Eli and my alert mode clicked on. I became so consumed in my worries. I talked to her about it and three times she promised me that she would do something about it. It wasn't fair to me and she was leading Eli on so much. He still isn't over her. Three times she admitted that she was doing, acknowledged that it was wrong and unfair, and she pledged thrice that she wouldn't let it continue. Nothing ever changed aside from the level of awkwardness and tension between the three of us when we were together. So i confronted her another time and this time she wouldn't take it at all. She was tired of having me worry and stress al the time over shit.

I guess how i display my emotions can sometimes be very misleading but still...i can't help but feel this is more her failure to take the necessary measures to keep the relationship ripe. Apparently Eli's experience wasn't much more successful in the same light. I think this is something her and i can definitely work through...or, as much as i hate to say this, her and Eli depending on how things play out.

I'm getting tired so i'm going to get some work done so i can hang out with Jazzy in Harvard Square tomorrow. I talked to her on the phone last night and she came over today. We're pretty special like that. Sorry for the long post. It wasn't too detailed so i'll go over more stuff as i keep blogging.