I'm glad to see (almost) everybody making comments now! It's really hard to write without getting any feedback because then i get unsure and insecure :$
A lot has happened since my last post. After i left Robin's house, i had dinner at home but i found out that Jazzy was with Atenia and Eli and i just assumed she was still hanging out with them. I felt really really really left out now. I already found out on Friday night that Jazzy got snowed in at Eli's house. I mean i was still holding it together but i was really just...i don't know. It seemed logical that Jazzy ditched Sophie's party because it would have been more difficult to leave the party early to hang out with Eli and Atenia who it turns out didn't mean to ignore me on Thursday. Robin and i both thought that that was what happened. I'm good friends with the three of them but i still get left out of these plans they make with each other. I mean i guess i'm a relatively new addition to each of their lives comparatively speaking but i can't help but feel really excluded even if it is just and exclusive thing between them :/
It seemed like Jazzy ditched me because she said that she couldn't hang out on Saturday because she had to babysit yet she was still hanging out with Eli and Atenia at like 6. I was so upset. I mean last night before i talked to Jazzy on the phone i tried to start an entry but all i could think to say was how hopeless i felt. How completely empty the world seemed. All i could see in anything was futility.
I had called Jazzy when i got home from Robin's because my mom said that she'd called. I called her back and she told me she was with them and i was just like- *burn* I felt like throwing up it was so bad. I shouldn't have been so devastated but i'm still not getting over her or breaking up with her at all. I just didn't say anything else and i told her that i'd talk to her later.
I felt so sick i ended up just going right back over to Robin's. She gave me a long hug. I wanted one but when she gave it to me i almost started crying. I tried to let go but she didn't so i held on a bit longer, and those last few extra seconds did make me feel a lot better. Jen ended up coming back over too but they went for a walk while i got a little bit of math homework done and worked on Robin's computer more.
When i got home i felt like crap again. I called Jazzy since she said she would call me and it was like 11:30 but she was in the car on her way home and she said she'd call me back in like fifteen minutes. I couldn't believe she was out for so long, i just felt even worse.
Eli has called the relationship Jazzy and i have 'epic' but reading this blog, you all might not see it so much like that anymore. It's all just a lot of unnecessary, over-played drama. We shouldn't have so much trouble, but it seems like our problems build off of each other. I am insecure and i worry and i have problems feeling loved. She hasn't been able to control herself or show what she says she feels. I don't think it's anything that her and i can't work past. I don't know what i would do if she wanted to start dating again. Eli is still crazy about her and i think Eli is the coolest cat around :P If he ans Jazzy started dating, i would be crazy jealous, but i would rather find out about it than have it concealed from me. So, Eli, please don't hide anything between you and her from me. Thanks.
So Jazzy called me and i couldn't talk i was so angry and upset. My mouth went dry and my feet got cold and i began to tremble violently. I was talking to Robin online and she got me to cry and she was right, i probably needed to. Jazzy was on the phone and i cried for almost two hours. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe through my nose at all and i was hyperventilating and gasping for air and coughing and sobbing and oh what a night. Robin said i shouldn't hold back but i get urges to cry all the time when i think of Jazzy. I told her that i couldn't just start crying in front of her and Jen or something. She said that it would be awkward, but it's be okay. I guess she is right.
After i finally stopped crying, i sorted out what actually happened with Jazzy. On Friday, Eve and Lily were at Eli's house. When i had called Eli that night he only told me that he had 'girls over' and i assumed that it had just been Jazzy and Atenia hanging out there. I knew they got snowed in, but i thought that was just after Jazzy ditched Sophie's party so that the three of them could hang out. Jazzy was going to get a ride to the party with Lily, and she was about to when Atenia OD'd on her meds.
Robin thought that Jazzy told Lily that she wasn't going to the party because she knew that Robin would be angry if she ditched it but it was really that Lily was there with them and Jazzy didn't just ditch the party. So i guess Eli and Jazzy went and got Atenia while Eve stayed at Eli's to watch his sister and then Atenia came back to Eli's with him and Jazzy and they got snowed in and Eve, Atenia, nor Jazzy could get a ride home.
I think Robin is right when she says that Jazzy needs to show other people a little bit of the dedication she shows Atenia. I mean in this case what happened is completely understandable but other time's Jazzy has left me hanging when i really needed her just to have a casual conversation with Atenia. Then yesterday morning and afternoon i was with Robin and Jazzy did try to reach me but i wasn't home. She ended up hanging out with Atenia and Eli and i missed out because she couldn't reach me.
So Jazzy didn't completely ditch me. That was a huge relief. I overreacted but i am still thoroughly bummed out that i didn't get to see Jazzy at all this weekend. She said she'd try and see me today though since she did have to go to North. I hate that being left out feeling- Eli and i have talked about this and we should be on the same page here. Well i was up past 2 in the morning just having myself a good cry.
This morning i was woken up by a doorbell. It was Lily! She lost my number so she couldn't call me like she was supposed to so she just showed up. I have to say i thought that was pretty cool. Even though it was like 11:30 and i was in my boxers and still asleep- i don't know anyone else who would have just shown up. So i got up and got dresses as fast as i could and then i fed her because she hadn't eaten yet. She had a bowl of cereal and i cut her two pieces of Rice Krispies Treats. I had a bagel with smoked salmon which she had never seen before but she didn't find it too appealing :P Then we played Super Monkey Ball for a bit and then we went upstairs and i showed her linux on the laptop in my room.
We didn't hang out there for too long. She still hasn't seen Requiem for a Dream even though i gave it to her weeks ago so we decided to go to her house to watch it. When we got there she made me some CD's and got some for me to borrow. I have a total of eleven CD's which i am borrowing and 5 burnt CD's that she gave me. We forgot about the movie but it's okay since we probably wouldn't have been able to finish it and her special friend Josh was coming. I thought that it would be awkward because i was worried that since he's seventeen he would be big and intimidating but when he got there i forgot that he wasn't our age and he turned out to be pretty cool. He was a little flinchy at first because i think he was awkward or nervous i'm not sure but that didn't last too long. I think he has a funny kind of voice when he talked but he was pretty good looking and him and Lily were being all close and heehee.
We got a short tour of Lily's house (sorta) and we hung out in her room for a bit but then we went down for tea. I didn't have any but i had milk to go with the Oreos they were having with their tea. Lily's dad is really cool. We were all talking about computers and i told him that i use linux and he does software so he thought that was cool. After that we played Katamari and Guitar Hero. It was my first time playing Guitar Hero and the second Katamari game. I only have the first one.
I got picked up at 5:30 and i found out that he had to leave Josh had to leave at 5 and i felt bad. I would have given them more time alone had i only known that he had to leave then. When i got home i just chilled for a bit since i was really tired but during dinner Jazzy called my cell phone but i missed it and i don't use my cellphone at home and she knows not to call it but she stil does so i waited for her to call the house and she didn't until almost ten minutes later. I assumed she was calling somebody else.
She was still at North but she couldn't see me today because it was too late. Her ride was there so she said she'd call me when she got home. That was at five past seven. She signed on at 7:40 and said hi to me and she said she'd just gotten home ten minutes earlier. I told her i couldn't talk online and i wanted a few minutes for her to call but she didn't. I asked her whether she was going to call or what and she was like jeez. don't be pissed. Then i kinda got pissed. I had just already had a bad weekend and the way she retaliates against me always just makes me feel like crap even more so than i already do in those situations. She told me not to assume things like that all the time and i told her how i felt and we were both sorry. She called but neither of us were in a good mood but we didn't really fight either.
My weekend had a lot of fun stuff and a lot of not fun stuff. This is the first weekends in a while that me and Eli haven't hung out and it's sad. It's not past eleven at night an i have math work to do and to catch up on, history work to do and to catch up on, my English re-write which is over a week late, the English project which i haven't even looked at, studying for the vocabulary quiz from months ago which i am finally making up tomorrow after school, a meeting with Ms. Berg, my chem teacher, tomorrow morning before school at 7 to go over all of the work that i have missed. I was hoping to throw a shower in there too somehow.
Well, time to go get started on that.
A lot has happened since my last post. After i left Robin's house, i had dinner at home but i found out that Jazzy was with Atenia and Eli and i just assumed she was still hanging out with them. I felt really really really left out now. I already found out on Friday night that Jazzy got snowed in at Eli's house. I mean i was still holding it together but i was really just...i don't know. It seemed logical that Jazzy ditched Sophie's party because it would have been more difficult to leave the party early to hang out with Eli and Atenia who it turns out didn't mean to ignore me on Thursday. Robin and i both thought that that was what happened. I'm good friends with the three of them but i still get left out of these plans they make with each other. I mean i guess i'm a relatively new addition to each of their lives comparatively speaking but i can't help but feel really excluded even if it is just and exclusive thing between them :/
It seemed like Jazzy ditched me because she said that she couldn't hang out on Saturday because she had to babysit yet she was still hanging out with Eli and Atenia at like 6. I was so upset. I mean last night before i talked to Jazzy on the phone i tried to start an entry but all i could think to say was how hopeless i felt. How completely empty the world seemed. All i could see in anything was futility.
I had called Jazzy when i got home from Robin's because my mom said that she'd called. I called her back and she told me she was with them and i was just like- *burn* I felt like throwing up it was so bad. I shouldn't have been so devastated but i'm still not getting over her or breaking up with her at all. I just didn't say anything else and i told her that i'd talk to her later.
I felt so sick i ended up just going right back over to Robin's. She gave me a long hug. I wanted one but when she gave it to me i almost started crying. I tried to let go but she didn't so i held on a bit longer, and those last few extra seconds did make me feel a lot better. Jen ended up coming back over too but they went for a walk while i got a little bit of math homework done and worked on Robin's computer more.
When i got home i felt like crap again. I called Jazzy since she said she would call me and it was like 11:30 but she was in the car on her way home and she said she'd call me back in like fifteen minutes. I couldn't believe she was out for so long, i just felt even worse.
Eli has called the relationship Jazzy and i have 'epic' but reading this blog, you all might not see it so much like that anymore. It's all just a lot of unnecessary, over-played drama. We shouldn't have so much trouble, but it seems like our problems build off of each other. I am insecure and i worry and i have problems feeling loved. She hasn't been able to control herself or show what she says she feels. I don't think it's anything that her and i can't work past. I don't know what i would do if she wanted to start dating again. Eli is still crazy about her and i think Eli is the coolest cat around :P If he ans Jazzy started dating, i would be crazy jealous, but i would rather find out about it than have it concealed from me. So, Eli, please don't hide anything between you and her from me. Thanks.
So Jazzy called me and i couldn't talk i was so angry and upset. My mouth went dry and my feet got cold and i began to tremble violently. I was talking to Robin online and she got me to cry and she was right, i probably needed to. Jazzy was on the phone and i cried for almost two hours. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe through my nose at all and i was hyperventilating and gasping for air and coughing and sobbing and oh what a night. Robin said i shouldn't hold back but i get urges to cry all the time when i think of Jazzy. I told her that i couldn't just start crying in front of her and Jen or something. She said that it would be awkward, but it's be okay. I guess she is right.
After i finally stopped crying, i sorted out what actually happened with Jazzy. On Friday, Eve and Lily were at Eli's house. When i had called Eli that night he only told me that he had 'girls over' and i assumed that it had just been Jazzy and Atenia hanging out there. I knew they got snowed in, but i thought that was just after Jazzy ditched Sophie's party so that the three of them could hang out. Jazzy was going to get a ride to the party with Lily, and she was about to when Atenia OD'd on her meds.
Robin thought that Jazzy told Lily that she wasn't going to the party because she knew that Robin would be angry if she ditched it but it was really that Lily was there with them and Jazzy didn't just ditch the party. So i guess Eli and Jazzy went and got Atenia while Eve stayed at Eli's to watch his sister and then Atenia came back to Eli's with him and Jazzy and they got snowed in and Eve, Atenia, nor Jazzy could get a ride home.
I think Robin is right when she says that Jazzy needs to show other people a little bit of the dedication she shows Atenia. I mean in this case what happened is completely understandable but other time's Jazzy has left me hanging when i really needed her just to have a casual conversation with Atenia. Then yesterday morning and afternoon i was with Robin and Jazzy did try to reach me but i wasn't home. She ended up hanging out with Atenia and Eli and i missed out because she couldn't reach me.
So Jazzy didn't completely ditch me. That was a huge relief. I overreacted but i am still thoroughly bummed out that i didn't get to see Jazzy at all this weekend. She said she'd try and see me today though since she did have to go to North. I hate that being left out feeling- Eli and i have talked about this and we should be on the same page here. Well i was up past 2 in the morning just having myself a good cry.
This morning i was woken up by a doorbell. It was Lily! She lost my number so she couldn't call me like she was supposed to so she just showed up. I have to say i thought that was pretty cool. Even though it was like 11:30 and i was in my boxers and still asleep- i don't know anyone else who would have just shown up. So i got up and got dresses as fast as i could and then i fed her because she hadn't eaten yet. She had a bowl of cereal and i cut her two pieces of Rice Krispies Treats. I had a bagel with smoked salmon which she had never seen before but she didn't find it too appealing :P Then we played Super Monkey Ball for a bit and then we went upstairs and i showed her linux on the laptop in my room.
We didn't hang out there for too long. She still hasn't seen Requiem for a Dream even though i gave it to her weeks ago so we decided to go to her house to watch it. When we got there she made me some CD's and got some for me to borrow. I have a total of eleven CD's which i am borrowing and 5 burnt CD's that she gave me. We forgot about the movie but it's okay since we probably wouldn't have been able to finish it and her special friend Josh was coming. I thought that it would be awkward because i was worried that since he's seventeen he would be big and intimidating but when he got there i forgot that he wasn't our age and he turned out to be pretty cool. He was a little flinchy at first because i think he was awkward or nervous i'm not sure but that didn't last too long. I think he has a funny kind of voice when he talked but he was pretty good looking and him and Lily were being all close and heehee.
We got a short tour of Lily's house (sorta) and we hung out in her room for a bit but then we went down for tea. I didn't have any but i had milk to go with the Oreos they were having with their tea. Lily's dad is really cool. We were all talking about computers and i told him that i use linux and he does software so he thought that was cool. After that we played Katamari and Guitar Hero. It was my first time playing Guitar Hero and the second Katamari game. I only have the first one.
I got picked up at 5:30 and i found out that he had to leave Josh had to leave at 5 and i felt bad. I would have given them more time alone had i only known that he had to leave then. When i got home i just chilled for a bit since i was really tired but during dinner Jazzy called my cell phone but i missed it and i don't use my cellphone at home and she knows not to call it but she stil does so i waited for her to call the house and she didn't until almost ten minutes later. I assumed she was calling somebody else.
She was still at North but she couldn't see me today because it was too late. Her ride was there so she said she'd call me when she got home. That was at five past seven. She signed on at 7:40 and said hi to me and she said she'd just gotten home ten minutes earlier. I told her i couldn't talk online and i wanted a few minutes for her to call but she didn't. I asked her whether she was going to call or what and she was like jeez. don't be pissed. Then i kinda got pissed. I had just already had a bad weekend and the way she retaliates against me always just makes me feel like crap even more so than i already do in those situations. She told me not to assume things like that all the time and i told her how i felt and we were both sorry. She called but neither of us were in a good mood but we didn't really fight either.
My weekend had a lot of fun stuff and a lot of not fun stuff. This is the first weekends in a while that me and Eli haven't hung out and it's sad. It's not past eleven at night an i have math work to do and to catch up on, history work to do and to catch up on, my English re-write which is over a week late, the English project which i haven't even looked at, studying for the vocabulary quiz from months ago which i am finally making up tomorrow after school, a meeting with Ms. Berg, my chem teacher, tomorrow morning before school at 7 to go over all of the work that i have missed. I was hoping to throw a shower in there too somehow.
Well, time to go get started on that.
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