I haven't really cried today. Not yet. I've been such a crybaby about this :\ I've held back so much today. You're probably sick of hearing about me bitch on and on about Jazzy so i'll give you a little break--
This morning i wake up and goddamn daylight savings time takes an hour away from my sleepy time which is very very valuable. I made plans with my aunt to come over at 11:30 to continue working on the website she hired me to create with her. I get over there and now she's registered a new long-ass domain name that like boston-somthing-something-something-something.com and she's signed up with a new domain management site that she found in some internet millionaire scam book. So i tried helping her work with that for a bit but it was a complete mess so we switched back to what we were doing before. She makes thing so difficult! She has no idea what she's doing. She can't double-space anything without hitting enter twice and she doesn't even know what a link is! I finally got to go home after i had done everything she wanted me to.
So then i waited around at home. Lily and i were supposed to hang out this weekend since i need to keep myself busy or lose my head. She said she had a pretty tight schedule so i figured we wouldn't end up being able to. I talked to her about the whole Jazzy thing and Lily is amazing. I thought it'd be really awkward but she was really nice. Then again everybody already knows that Lily = awesome :P I've gone to school with Lily for four years (since the beginning of middle school) and i never met her until the beginning of this year. I tried dating her when i first met her cause she was the first girl i had felt any attraction to since the last time i had broken up with Jazzy but i kinda screwed it up since i was so unbelievably shy and awkward. So since then, i haven't really been able to get to know her better and i've been missing out on the awesomeness that everyone raves about :(
I just brought my old computer back up from the basement with my middle school music collection on it and i finally fixed it by putting Ubuntu linux on it. The thing is, all the music sucks. Over 5,000 songs and probably only 100 of them are worth listening to at all. I don't like low quality, compressed, mp3's and i need some good music. Lily is like an indie goddess --that sounded so much more creepy than funny lol-- so we were going to have a CD burning party but Jazzy told me over the phone that she was on her way to Ashley's to do some filming for her Chinese project and i saw Lily online so i was wondered if she was on her way or something but it turned out that nobody had called her like they were supposed to. At this point i knew that she was too busy to hang out so we rescheduled for sometime next weekend.
Jazzy told me that she might be able to hang out after she was done filming with her group and she said done around 4. I hung around at home until a bit past three and then i went for a bike ride. I realized that my bike was at Eli's since i left it there last night after we went to that concert thing at the unitarian church in West Newton so i started to walk but my mom stopped me and gave me a ride instead. I was biking back towards Newton Corner and i pulled out my phone to call Jazzy but i was the time was close to only 3:30 so i thought i'd wait half and hour until it was 4 but as soon as i put it back in my pocket it rang. Jazzy was done so i biked down to the park to meet her.
She offered to take me to C&N so we went there and got some fries, baklava, and a grape fanta. The fries weren't very good and i don't like soda that tastes like medicine but the baklava wasn't bad. Things were going okay but then she said she wanted to go to her favorite place of all. So we walked, or rather, she walked and i biked with her to the top of the Sheraton Hotel parking lot. I didn't talk much. We sat down and she talked to me for a while. I listened but i had to hold back crying and i couldn't let her see. I think i kept it together pretty well. She let me listen to a few songs from the happy mix she made me and another song that she likes off of her iPod and it definitely worked up some tears for me.
We walked back to the park and sat on a bench. The whole day is already kind of blurry to me. It's already past midnight so technically all of this happened yesterday. I can't take how she seems so much closer to me now. She asked if i wanted a hug and i didn't know. I knew that i wanted a hug, but i wasn't sure if i could accept it from her feeling the way i did about our situation. She was confused at first and she probably thought that i didn't really want one. She figured it out though. She told me she wanted one, i nodded in agreement, and said i did too, and we hugged.
After she left i went to Robin's house because her dad wanted me to help them get some furniture into their house that they bought. After i helped out i hung out for a while and her computer didn't update the time for daylight savings so i ended up coming home an hour after my mom wanted me back. Then things got messy.
On top of the stress i'm already trying to deal with-- my dad starts asking these questions about who i had gone biking with and how i could have been biking the entire time. I don't know why i didn't tell him the truth...he already knew. He was just testing me. It really wasn't anything to hide, but i hid it anyways. Somehow things escalated to a point where he was going on about how Jazzy was playing me for a fool and influencing me to be deceitful towards my parents. He sounded like such an asshole the whole time. I couldn't believe what i was hearing. He said that it was never about what he thought of Jazzy but it was about protecting me against girls who were apparently like her. That was when it was clear to me that he really did have something against her this whole time.
I told him it was bullshit and i actually said "fuck you, dad" to his face for the first time. That felt pretty good. Then later my mom came up to my room and was much more reasonable. As much as the things my dad said got me mad, i'm worrying that he's starting to lose it. Over the past year he's started looking more and more unhealthy. Something about him is changing and it's scary. He's been smoking since he was my age and he can't quit. Then again it's not like i can take any better grip on my life.
I'm here blogging about nothing. Nobody is even going to read this and i haven't done my english paper rewrite which was due Friday, done any of the math homework over the past two weeks, or worked on my history project at all. It's past 1 am Sunday night and i haven't even checked my assignment notebook. I just have to put my mind to it.
This morning i wake up and goddamn daylight savings time takes an hour away from my sleepy time which is very very valuable. I made plans with my aunt to come over at 11:30 to continue working on the website she hired me to create with her. I get over there and now she's registered a new long-ass domain name that like boston-somthing-something-something-something.com and she's signed up with a new domain management site that she found in some internet millionaire scam book. So i tried helping her work with that for a bit but it was a complete mess so we switched back to what we were doing before. She makes thing so difficult! She has no idea what she's doing. She can't double-space anything without hitting enter twice and she doesn't even know what a link is! I finally got to go home after i had done everything she wanted me to.
So then i waited around at home. Lily and i were supposed to hang out this weekend since i need to keep myself busy or lose my head. She said she had a pretty tight schedule so i figured we wouldn't end up being able to. I talked to her about the whole Jazzy thing and Lily is amazing. I thought it'd be really awkward but she was really nice. Then again everybody already knows that Lily = awesome :P I've gone to school with Lily for four years (since the beginning of middle school) and i never met her until the beginning of this year. I tried dating her when i first met her cause she was the first girl i had felt any attraction to since the last time i had broken up with Jazzy but i kinda screwed it up since i was so unbelievably shy and awkward. So since then, i haven't really been able to get to know her better and i've been missing out on the awesomeness that everyone raves about :(
I just brought my old computer back up from the basement with my middle school music collection on it and i finally fixed it by putting Ubuntu linux on it. The thing is, all the music sucks. Over 5,000 songs and probably only 100 of them are worth listening to at all. I don't like low quality, compressed, mp3's and i need some good music. Lily is like an indie goddess --that sounded so much more creepy than funny lol-- so we were going to have a CD burning party but Jazzy told me over the phone that she was on her way to Ashley's to do some filming for her Chinese project and i saw Lily online so i was wondered if she was on her way or something but it turned out that nobody had called her like they were supposed to. At this point i knew that she was too busy to hang out so we rescheduled for sometime next weekend.
Jazzy told me that she might be able to hang out after she was done filming with her group and she said done around 4. I hung around at home until a bit past three and then i went for a bike ride. I realized that my bike was at Eli's since i left it there last night after we went to that concert thing at the unitarian church in West Newton so i started to walk but my mom stopped me and gave me a ride instead. I was biking back towards Newton Corner and i pulled out my phone to call Jazzy but i was the time was close to only 3:30 so i thought i'd wait half and hour until it was 4 but as soon as i put it back in my pocket it rang. Jazzy was done so i biked down to the park to meet her.
She offered to take me to C&N so we went there and got some fries, baklava, and a grape fanta. The fries weren't very good and i don't like soda that tastes like medicine but the baklava wasn't bad. Things were going okay but then she said she wanted to go to her favorite place of all. So we walked, or rather, she walked and i biked with her to the top of the Sheraton Hotel parking lot. I didn't talk much. We sat down and she talked to me for a while. I listened but i had to hold back crying and i couldn't let her see. I think i kept it together pretty well. She let me listen to a few songs from the happy mix she made me and another song that she likes off of her iPod and it definitely worked up some tears for me.
We walked back to the park and sat on a bench. The whole day is already kind of blurry to me. It's already past midnight so technically all of this happened yesterday. I can't take how she seems so much closer to me now. She asked if i wanted a hug and i didn't know. I knew that i wanted a hug, but i wasn't sure if i could accept it from her feeling the way i did about our situation. She was confused at first and she probably thought that i didn't really want one. She figured it out though. She told me she wanted one, i nodded in agreement, and said i did too, and we hugged.
After she left i went to Robin's house because her dad wanted me to help them get some furniture into their house that they bought. After i helped out i hung out for a while and her computer didn't update the time for daylight savings so i ended up coming home an hour after my mom wanted me back. Then things got messy.
On top of the stress i'm already trying to deal with-- my dad starts asking these questions about who i had gone biking with and how i could have been biking the entire time. I don't know why i didn't tell him the truth...he already knew. He was just testing me. It really wasn't anything to hide, but i hid it anyways. Somehow things escalated to a point where he was going on about how Jazzy was playing me for a fool and influencing me to be deceitful towards my parents. He sounded like such an asshole the whole time. I couldn't believe what i was hearing. He said that it was never about what he thought of Jazzy but it was about protecting me against girls who were apparently like her. That was when it was clear to me that he really did have something against her this whole time.
I told him it was bullshit and i actually said "fuck you, dad" to his face for the first time. That felt pretty good. Then later my mom came up to my room and was much more reasonable. As much as the things my dad said got me mad, i'm worrying that he's starting to lose it. Over the past year he's started looking more and more unhealthy. Something about him is changing and it's scary. He's been smoking since he was my age and he can't quit. Then again it's not like i can take any better grip on my life.
I'm here blogging about nothing. Nobody is even going to read this and i haven't done my english paper rewrite which was due Friday, done any of the math homework over the past two weeks, or worked on my history project at all. It's past 1 am Sunday night and i haven't even checked my assignment notebook. I just have to put my mind to it.
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