The past three posts have been ugly, and this will without a doubt be the wost. My condition has been progressively deteriorating. I've been thrown into this vicious cycle of stress, sleep deprivation, dysfunction, poor performance, incomplete work, more sleep loss, more stress, eating less, etc. I get shaky and start trembling and my joints begin stiffening up because of how much i've been shaking for a long period of time. I want to throw up. My hands and feet go cold. My mind is numb. My eyes are dry and tired.
Just when i thought her and i might start getting over this, i realized that we really aren't. I see us growing farther and farther apart and her and Eli getting closer. I'm not sure that my relationship with her was ever comparable to her and Eli's.
Eli knows how i feel. From talking to him i can understand what he tells me and he can understand what i tell him. I realize that a lot of the stuff i write here may seem extreme but please try to see that i am being bombarded by emotions and that i have not lost all logic and reason. This is the only place where i can vent, since talking to Jazzy is no longer an option: i have to make due with this.
Jazzy doesn't know what i am going through. She doesn't understand because she didn't feel the same way about me. She's enticing and manipulative and she gets what she wants. She gets her way, always. She's always needed a scapegoat, at one point she blamed much of her problems on Robin. It's always been a competition. I don't know why. She always had others. I have you guys, yeah, but i can't even remember the last time i got a phone call from someone just to talk. Socially, i am not as well off. Jazzy doesn't know what this is like. She doesn't know what anything is like, even if she "understands" she will rarely be at all empathetic.
I tried talking to Jazzy online. Things didn't go too smoothly. They started off very uncomfortable and so she said she'd call me later. Forty-five minutes later, i ask her if she's still doing math but she's moved on to History. I'm the only one she pushed off all the time at every opportunity, aren't i? She needs to find time for me but she can make time for other people. I'm the hassle, the burden, the chore.
I was already very uneasy and she didn't help at all. I asked her a few simple questions: If she had told Atenia that the day at the park with Robin, Jen, and i made her uncomfortable, who Mary Ann was and why did Jazzy feel like her (the day she broke up with me she set her Facebook status to "Jazzy is feeling like maryann." and i just noticed it yesterday on her feed and i thought she was talking about Marion from Requiem for a Dream), and what was with her being so huggy on Eli on Friday.
Her first answer wasn't in the best tone but she said that it wasn't uncomfortable, but friendly. She dodged the second two questions entirely. The second was apparently insignificant. I asked her if she meant unrelated, and sure enough it was only insignificant. Anything relevant, is significant to me. I tried to get her to tell me and she then said that it was irrelevant which she just said wasn't turn before. I knew better than to bother calling her out on that. For the third, she wanted clarification on the term "huggy" and then she did not recall anything like that. It has since occurred to me that she is like that to Eli always now. No commitment whatsoever to a relationship to bind her. I found out the song was "Sailor Song" by Regina Spektor.
By the time she told me that it wasn't at all about which song or what. She had the impression that i was angry because i thought she felt like Mary Ann from "Mary Ann" by Regina Spektor. But by the time she told me which song it was i was just fed up with her turning everything i do into something wrong, discrediting my feeling, and turning everything i say upside down and back around at me.
It wouldn't matter whether or not she understood me or what's going on if she only cared about me; cared enough to ask, "What's wrong?" instead of, "why are you so pissed?" or to be there if i am pissed instead of flipping a bitch on me. I can't deal with this. In the end i just begged her to leave me alone. Since she's broken up with me, i've discovered so many different and terrible feelings that i never knew existed.
She already has Eli and i on a hook and no matter what, we are going to be at the mercy of the game she plays. Maybe others will be dragged in. If she wants one of us, we won't be able to turn that down. I can't speak for Eli, but i sure as hell don't have the strength and i am not as noble as i'd like to be.
No matter what, whether i have her or i don't, she is what drives me. No matter how she torments and teases, flirts and flaunts, misleads and manipulates, however things turn out, however she thinks of me in the end, i will never give up what i have for her and what she does for me. I can never really hate her no matter how terrible i feel, i still love her.
I just hope that in seven years i don't find myself looking back on this and thinking i was a fool for ever thinking this.
Just when i thought her and i might start getting over this, i realized that we really aren't. I see us growing farther and farther apart and her and Eli getting closer. I'm not sure that my relationship with her was ever comparable to her and Eli's.
Eli knows how i feel. From talking to him i can understand what he tells me and he can understand what i tell him. I realize that a lot of the stuff i write here may seem extreme but please try to see that i am being bombarded by emotions and that i have not lost all logic and reason. This is the only place where i can vent, since talking to Jazzy is no longer an option: i have to make due with this.
Jazzy doesn't know what i am going through. She doesn't understand because she didn't feel the same way about me. She's enticing and manipulative and she gets what she wants. She gets her way, always. She's always needed a scapegoat, at one point she blamed much of her problems on Robin. It's always been a competition. I don't know why. She always had others. I have you guys, yeah, but i can't even remember the last time i got a phone call from someone just to talk. Socially, i am not as well off. Jazzy doesn't know what this is like. She doesn't know what anything is like, even if she "understands" she will rarely be at all empathetic.
I tried talking to Jazzy online. Things didn't go too smoothly. They started off very uncomfortable and so she said she'd call me later. Forty-five minutes later, i ask her if she's still doing math but she's moved on to History. I'm the only one she pushed off all the time at every opportunity, aren't i? She needs to find time for me but she can make time for other people. I'm the hassle, the burden, the chore.
I was already very uneasy and she didn't help at all. I asked her a few simple questions: If she had told Atenia that the day at the park with Robin, Jen, and i made her uncomfortable, who Mary Ann was and why did Jazzy feel like her (the day she broke up with me she set her Facebook status to "Jazzy is feeling like maryann." and i just noticed it yesterday on her feed and i thought she was talking about Marion from Requiem for a Dream), and what was with her being so huggy on Eli on Friday.
Her first answer wasn't in the best tone but she said that it wasn't uncomfortable, but friendly. She dodged the second two questions entirely. The second was apparently insignificant. I asked her if she meant unrelated, and sure enough it was only insignificant. Anything relevant, is significant to me. I tried to get her to tell me and she then said that it was irrelevant which she just said wasn't turn before. I knew better than to bother calling her out on that. For the third, she wanted clarification on the term "huggy" and then she did not recall anything like that. It has since occurred to me that she is like that to Eli always now. No commitment whatsoever to a relationship to bind her. I found out the song was "Sailor Song" by Regina Spektor.
By the time she told me that it wasn't at all about which song or what. She had the impression that i was angry because i thought she felt like Mary Ann from "Mary Ann" by Regina Spektor. But by the time she told me which song it was i was just fed up with her turning everything i do into something wrong, discrediting my feeling, and turning everything i say upside down and back around at me.
It wouldn't matter whether or not she understood me or what's going on if she only cared about me; cared enough to ask, "What's wrong?" instead of, "why are you so pissed?" or to be there if i am pissed instead of flipping a bitch on me. I can't deal with this. In the end i just begged her to leave me alone. Since she's broken up with me, i've discovered so many different and terrible feelings that i never knew existed.
She already has Eli and i on a hook and no matter what, we are going to be at the mercy of the game she plays. Maybe others will be dragged in. If she wants one of us, we won't be able to turn that down. I can't speak for Eli, but i sure as hell don't have the strength and i am not as noble as i'd like to be.
No matter what, whether i have her or i don't, she is what drives me. No matter how she torments and teases, flirts and flaunts, misleads and manipulates, however things turn out, however she thinks of me in the end, i will never give up what i have for her and what she does for me. I can never really hate her no matter how terrible i feel, i still love her.
I just hope that in seven years i don't find myself looking back on this and thinking i was a fool for ever thinking this.
2 comments:
Luckily I, being Eli, can in fact speak for Eli, and I do in fact know what you're talking about. It sucks to have your sense of right and wrong overcast by your sense of ...jazzy. or something like that.
Great blog thanks for posting this
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