Alright, well i've got lots and lots to blog about. I'd like to be able to blog in audio and video as well as text so that i could blog in whatever medium i felt like. I actually plan on proofreading this so hopefully there won't be so many mistakes and things will sound a bit clearer. Everything i've posted so far has sounded so raw and disorganized.
I think all this stress is doing damage to my heart. On Tuesday after school i think it was, there was this pain in my chest and i actually got scared that i was going to die of heart failure. I still didn't get the 'something tells me i am going to die today' feeling. That isn't something i can explain well. I don't mean that in the 'i'm not going to make it through today' kind of way but it's just like this ominous feeling in the back of your mind.
I don't agree with Jen at all but there is a point i have to realize. Jazzy has thrown me into some fairly significant trauma and i can't live like this; i won't be able to survive much longer. I have to end this before it permanently end us. I can make things work, i just can't rely on Jazzy at all. I have it in me somewhere- i just have to dig it up. So Jazzy doesn't like me. So things weren't working. So this and so that but so what? None of it matters now.
This whole deal is just ridiculous. I have to move past this. I am going to start over and try this again. I guess i am terrified that it won't work but i can't let that stop me. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work, the most important thing is fixing things and working everything out, then i can worry about dating Jazzy and i probably wont really have to.
So on Tuesday, Jen cut Jazzy's hair at Robin's and Jazzy got bangs. Wednesday morning, i was sitting on main street waiting for Jazzy as usual, feeling crummy no surprise. She came in and i melted. She looked amazing; the bangs were incredible. I died. She just kills me completely. Eli and i were talking and he loves it too. He said she just became so huggable. She hugs him, but not me.
On Thursday, i waited after school for Jazzy because she was at costumes and we needed to watch 'A clockwork Orange' for out English project. We ended up seeing it at her house instead of mine because her mom was being stupid but it worked out better for her anyways because she had other work she needed to do too. Not that i didn't, but i guess it's not as important for me. It was okay but i got really nervous and she's always so goddamn sweet. It just kills me. My heart was racing the entire time.
Friday night was the Sophomore Sleepover. I met up with Eli and Atenia for pizza in Newtonville before the sleepover and i mean i was a little nervous but i really wasn't that worried at all. I can have fun at parties, but i have a tendency to get anxious and upset and once that happens, it almost always just keeps getting worse and worse. I told myself that i wouldn't let this happen and didn't think about it much. I figured i'd give it a shot but i shouldn't listen to myself. I was hopeful because things seems to gradually be working out but i'm tired and sleep deprived and dangerously unstable. Things were going fine. I made sure not to run off with Jazzy and leave Eli because i knew that i wouldn't have liked that. The three of us were doing fine- i was hopeful that i'd actually enjoy myself and i didn't suspect that the night would end up going sour.
Eli and i went to Dan A's house after school and Jazzy's mom called me asking if i knew where Jazzy was. I was about to tell her that i thought she was going to go to do her Chinese project before her orthodontist but then i realized that maybe the orthodontist was supposed to be first
so i hesitated and then Eli just told me to give him the phone. I handed it off and Dianne gave Eli a message to relay to Jazzy that Dianne's phone was broken.
So the three of us are standing together and then Jazzy goes 'Oh yeah, i forgot to be mad at you two' and we were just like What? She was grounded because she didn't know that her mom's phone wasn't working and then i realized that that meant that the only plans that i had made that made my weekend worth anything at all were just ruined again. We were going to see 300 in IMAX yesterday evening. She told me we could do it next week but i was still sad. It was a real downer. I was just totally bummed out.
Things weren't even too bad yet. I was bummed but i didn't see this ruining my entire night but after that i just started picking up on all of Jazzy's goddamn subtleties. Then, for the whole rest of the night, absolutely everything set me off. I can't recall the specific series of events that transpired but i picked up on how Atenia said that her and Jazzy were making Eli swim and that gave me the feeling that Jazzy really just wanted to swim with Eli. Only this wasn't really anything at all. It was actually just a thought that didn't ever really affect me. I'm not sure if it's even worth mentioning at all, but hey, whatever.
There was the fact that she seemed to be treating me and Eli the way she does to be fair instead of being true and honest. Worse yet, you can tell if she's being nice to you just to be fair. So everything that seemed to be going well so far all of a sudden appeared yo be really phony. She got closer to Eli, she got closer to me. I'm not happy and she isn't being close to me, she won't be close to Eli.
Still, there are a lot of opportunities for me to get closer, go in for a hug, but she just absolutely kills me. I still feel like i should be backing off all the time and that doesn't seem to be anything of a problem for her. She seemed really into taking me on in the obstacle course race but then she kept saying not yet and she ended up going on it twice with other people before she faced me. That bothered me a little but i didn't mind too much.
I wasn't really thrown over the edge until i saw Jazzy hugging Eli a short ways down main street. At this point of the night, she knew i wasn't doing to well. She didn't just hug him, i mean they were really hugging. It looked like a really nice hug, a long one too. It bothered me a lot, for some reason, that i didn't know what the hug was for. I mean it would have been somehow comforting to know who hugged who, and if they were being cute, if it was just a hug, or no matter what, it just bothered me the most that i didn't know.
The first thing she did after she hugged him was turn right towards me. The entire night, each time she got close to Eli, she'd look to me to check if i'd seen. We made eye contact and she knew that i had seen. I turned and rushed to the bathroom where i splashed cold water on my face and i knew things were going to be bad. I really had no reason to be upset, and it really wouldn't have been so much so if i hadn't already been feeling so crummy. At this point, even though i could have disregarded the hug, there was no real hope of turning things around. I could have just found out what was up with it and i don't think i would have been affected so much.
I pounded my fists into the heavy ceramic sink and it broke. The water came out from under the sink instead of coming out through the faucet. I've never been able to assert myself in a state like that, and she has never been able to help me. She gets so close and it seems like she wouldn't flirt with me when we first started gong out to not hurt Eli but now she won't stop flirting with him. Well, not that it matters now. I know that it's just a perspective thing and he didn't have it much better at all. He knows exactly what i'm talking about a lot of the time and often he'll bring stuff up and i'll know what he's talking about.
I was going to head off down to the gymnasium where it seemed like the least likely place for them to be. But i never wanted to be away from her. I never do. Whenever i try and act like i want her away from me, she asks if she should go, i just want her to always know- i want her to care about me like i care about her. I want her to ignore me if i make it seem like i want her to leave. I want her to get closer. I looked around everywhere else and realized that they were in the gym. I couldn't go up to them. I went down there and as soon as i spotted one of them i froze and Atenia spotted me and i ran.
I couldn't let myself start crying the whole night and i couldn't leave neither. I could have pulled off getting my parents to pick me up but i didn't want to explain anything to them and i didn't really want to be away from Jazzy. Thinking about the two of them flirting like hell while i would be wherever i was wouldn't have been as bad as witnessing it.
I got asked flat out by three people if i was baked out of my mind, Dan H said i was snoshed, a few people hinted that i looked really messed up and i got a lot of looks from people. I was sitting rather precariously on the wall to the stairs leading down to the cafeteria feeling like i was going to faint but i couldn't because i could have fallen right off if i had. I waited for Eli since he said that he'd come out in a minute. then i saw Jazzy lean over and lie on him and i just came out through the doors and walked right by. I made eye contact with her. I don't remember where i went. From that point on, Eli and Jazzy made a point to stay mostly apart. I think i may have just paced around for a while. My heart was racing.
At some point, i just went right up to Jazzy while she was just sitting with Atenia. I was so scared. As crooked and shaky as it was, smiled the biggest smile i could manage. They could clearly see right through it. I looked so messed up. I had to turn around a few times to stop the urges to start crying. I didn't really say anything, she didn't really say anything. It was awkward. It was scary. Everything is so frustrating.
I felt about to faint for the whole night. Eli asked me at least thrice if there was anything he could do. I just smiled and told him that she always let me fall. Then i collapsed. He didn't catch me. I fell hard and hit my head and i realized i was imagining things.
I don't know why but the entire night, it felt like absolutely everybody was against me. I felt like Robin and Jen and Atenia and Phoebe and everybody there had somehow been told Jazzy's side of the story and were influenced against me. This still wasn't the worst yet.
I can't go up to Jazzy and i can't be away from her. I kept my distance but i didn't go for far for long. When it was over early Saturday morning and they let us out at six, we walked to Eli's house to actually sleep. Atenia and i trailed behind Eli, Jazzy, and Phoebe. Atenia stopped to finish her cigarette. I waited for her even though she said i didn't have to. "I'm so pathetic."
"Why?" i asked. As she spoke i listened and i stepped right up to her and put my hand against her head and she let her head against me. She let out a sort of sigh and she hugged me and i hugged her back. We held each other in that moment and i began to cry. I shook but still held her back just as tightly. I think she kissed my chest and let go. She probably ended the hug because i was shaking or maybe she almost started crying too.
I just wanted Jazzy to hold me. To love me and care about me. To help me and be there for me. I wanted to run and i wanted her to follow me. I didn't want her to watch me fall anymore. I just wanted us to be happy again.
We got to Eli's house and went down to the basement to sleep. Jazzy passed out pretty quickly. Atenia couldn't sleep and Eli was in the other room for a little bit on the computer doing homework. Phoebe slept on the floor and Eli did too when he came in. I started grinding my teeth together, something that i have never done before, which made this really loud sound. I stayed up a little while with Atenia she asked if i was okay but i've been getting that so much over the past month it's barely worth ever mentioning it. Then she fell asleep and i stayed up a little bit more. I didn't actually end up sleeping until around seven. Then at nine started waking up. Jazzy and i were left and she said she needed a tissue. As soon as she got up to get one i knew she would end up going upstairs and leaving me down there. She did. It must have been 9:30 at the latest when i went up to Eli's room to find Jazzy and Atenia sleeping on his bed. He was downstairs in the kitchen being all awake and stuff.
I sat on the bad for a while shaking violently. This was the worst anxiety attack i've ever had. I've only one had an anxiety attack at a friends house once at Liv's and i didn't end up completely breaking down. I've never woken up feeling worse than i did when i went to sleep. i don't think i had the energy for an anxiety attack before i had gotten the two hours of sleep that i did. Maybe half an hour later Jazzy had woken up and tapped me. I was startled and she tried to make sure i was okay. She was a little concerned but i was obviously not okay. She ended up just rolling right back over onto the bed twice. I still sat there trambling and then she told me to lie down next to her. I was squished in between her and Atenia. She tried to calm me for a while and i think she gave me kisses on the head and shoulders a few times but nothings really clear. I stopped breathing a bunch of times which got me to quiet down a little. She said she was going to get water which really meant Eli and i knew that she'd be gone for a while. Why can't she just give it to me straight? After she left i rolled over into my stomach and started bawling. I just sobbed and shook and sobbed and shook. When she got back i stopped crying but i was still shaking.
I heard Eli come in too. They seemed to think i was sleeping. I heard her tell him that the loud noise was my teeth. I didn't realize how loud it was. Atenia didn't wake up. Then Eli told Jazzy she had to call her mom or something and they left. I rolled onto my side and curled up into a ball. I cried again. I cried and cried until Atenia woke up. She didn't know what was wrong. She went downstairs and Jazzy and Eli came up a few minutes later. They had been gone for a while.
Jazzy sat with me and tried to calm me down. It was horrible. My shirt was soaked in tears and snot. I got tears on Eli's bed. Jazzy's mom came to get her and she left and Eli sat with me for a little bit. He brought me tissues and i cleaned myself up. He stayed with me until i was calmed down a bit. Eventually i went to sleep and didn't wake up until five. Eli had to go to dinner and to this dance performance thing i think so i got picked up and when i got home, i blasted music in my room so that i couldn't hear myself think.
I have to thank Lily for supplying me with some god music to listen to. I've listened to it a lot. With the music on my parents couldn't hear me. I felt like such a madman. I started laughing and crying hysterically. I called Jazzy's cell phone and i had nothing to say. Somehow i knew she wouldn't pick up and she didn't. I knew she wouldn't, but it wasn't the kind where bothered by it. I just sat there with the phone until it beeped and i left a message because she called me back later.
She called me on my cellphone but i don't get good reception in my house so i couldn't hear her and right after Eli got dropped off at my house after his thing. Then she called my cellphone again right after he came in and i couldn't hear her again. Then she called the house phone and told me that she had gotten my message but then my dad needed my help moving some furniture so i told her to call me back in fifteen minutes. Two minutes later she called Eli's cell phone. It only took like five minutes to help my dad and almost half an hour for me to realize she wasn't calling back. I called her and she had fallen asleep. That was okay. I didn't have anything to say to her.
She was tired so i offered to let her sleep. She said she didn't want to but i think she was only saying that. I asked her if she wanted to talk to Eli but she said she didn't have anything to talk about with him. She was just saying that. She didn't have anything to talk to him about in front of me, maybe. She doesn't need something to talk about with him just like she shouldn't have needed an opportune moment to make me a phone call. She was saying a lot and it didn't make me feel too much better.
Then she said she'd go to bed and i told her to say hi to Eli and she agreed to talk to him for two minutes. I knew that meant more like at least ten. He talked to her for a while and i sat around until handed off the phone back to me. Jazzy and i didn't really talk and she was all 'I can let you get back to your sleepover' and trying to be subtle about leaving. She said she didn't want to interrupt out time after she just spent way over twp minutes on the phone with Eli to say hi to him before she went to bed. She wanted to talk because she likes us she said but she understood if i wanted to go. So she said she was going to sleep and i said bye. It felt pretty emotionless. Maybe it just seemed longer to me- i don't think so though. I guess it's understandable.
The entire night i was in pain all over. My head throbbed. My muscles were sore. My hands ached. My limbs were stiff. Mu lungs were tight. My chest was heavy. My ribs felt broken. My eyes hurt. My stomach still queasy. It was the worse day of my life. We met up with Lily 3:30 in the morning and she stayed at my house for a while. It hurt to laugh. It hurt to breathe. This is getting out of hand. Maybe i need to see somebody.
After me and Eli walked Lily back home and got back, we just crashed. We were exhausted. I had this terrible nightmare. I was at my aunt's house to open presents and when i opened mine there was this loud deafening noise and this melting feeling overwhelmed me. Everything went black and i couldn't hear. I realized that it was a bomb and that i was about to die. I don't know if i had stopped breathing in my sleep or if there was a loud noise in real life or what but i woke up gasping for air or yelling because Eli woke up and he was like "Dude, what happened?" and made sure i was okay. I was in shock for almost a minute but then i responded and let him know it was a nightmare.
This morning when we woke up we had pancakes for breakfast and then we dropped Eli off because we had to go the the cemetery to pay our respects. We go twice a year. Jazzy and i were supposed to go there a really long time ago just to walk around because it's such a beautiful place but that never happened.
We were also supposed to go to Larz Anderson park again but we never did. I put it on my calendar and each Saturday i'd end up having to move it to next Saturday- and i'm still doing that. We haven't been talking much since we broke up and we tried to set something up last week but it wasn't working so she said fuck the week and promised me time this weekend. Well, 300 didn't work out so she said she'd see me today. Then she said she'd stop by my house but i had misinterpreted that and actually said that she would try to- but turns out she can't. It didn't matter though. Her promises never did.
She said she'd call me on Tuesday and i called her when it started getting late and she was like yeahh...i'm at Robin's and i can't talk and it's late so i won't be able to call you later. If i don't call her to see what's going on i don't find this stuff out. She seems to do this kind of thing a lot.
Well i may pay a lot of attention to her, but she sure seems to make it a point to avid looking in my direction a lot. If only i could assert myself more i would be something worth paying attention to instead of being so submissive all the time.
I called Atenia because we've been meaning to hang out for a long time and she asked me if i wanted to hang out while we were walking to Eli's from the sleepover. I wasn't very enthusiastic because i wasn't doing to well so i apologized for that. I told her i couldn't hang out today but i wanted to sometime. We talked for a while and it was cool since it was the first time we've talked on the phone. She told me that she had talked to Jazzy on the phone last night for like an hour but Jazzy told me that she called me as soon as she got home and she hung up when she said she was going to sleep. Oh well. Atenia said that she'll call me later.
Jazzy tells people that it's not the fact that she doesn't like me that is a problem, it's just that i was so unhappy and miserable. The things that made me unhappy and miserable and worried were all because she didn't like me. Things are easier for her now, but things are worse for me. Things have never been so bad for me.
Sure, she's closer with Eli right not but so much of this stuff is just in my head. I just need to break through it and be able to be me again.
You know, i have this weird thing where often times i can see bad things coming before they do. It's not always bad things i see coming for example, during volleyball in P.E. i always knew when and when not the ball was coming to me.
To add onto what i was saying in my last post about being able to really read into the traits of someone you know extremely well, hearing Jazzy talk about her beliefs about god just made me realize what a different light we saw the world in. I don't really agree with what she thinks but i can understand her even if she doesn't know how i see things. She also mentioned a while ago that the wasn't to keen on the idea of marriage.
I don't like the idea of a private blog so my goal is to be able to open up this blog by not having so much of a focus on Jazzy. There really is so much more that i think about but Jazzy has taken up so much of me now. I haven't been able to check my activism email account in two weeks. This has never happened before. It's not like it matters anyways. I could just make it public right now and not tell anybody about it. It makes no difference.
I have so much to do. It's Sunday evening now. i haven't even started my work. I have hours of research to do for my History research project. I have to make 50 (overdue) notecards and have an outline for my paper by tomorrow. I have to make up the English test i missed on Wednesday tomorrow after school which means i have to read the play Oedipus Rex and study to 60 vocabulary words for the test. I also have to put together my book group's presentation for 'A Clockwork Orange' to present on Tuesday. The term ends Thursday so i have to make up all of my work by then. I still have a chem lab from the beginning of the term to make up. I missed the quiz in Math on Thursday so i have to make that up by coming in early before school on Tuesday and Wednesday and then on Thursday is the big test. In computers, i have to do the first major project of the year, which is designing computers for a software company and creating a presentation to detail it.
I can't wait for vacation. I need it so badly. I'll be able to fix Eli's computer and i'm going to get the new Ubuntu linux which will be so cool. I also have to take a look at the materials that 'Where There Be Dragons' sent me for mt Thailand trip this summer. There was a lot more i was planning on but i don't remember right now.
I hope this blog post came out okay. The proofreading didn't really help that much i don't think. It's is better than it would have been, that's for sure but it's still disorganized. I'm just really tired.
P.S. Eli- we need grapefruit next weekend
Lily - We need to finish 'Requiem for a Dream'
Robin - We need to go biking and do some baking
KayAnna - You need to get your ass down here from Maine!
I think all this stress is doing damage to my heart. On Tuesday after school i think it was, there was this pain in my chest and i actually got scared that i was going to die of heart failure. I still didn't get the 'something tells me i am going to die today' feeling. That isn't something i can explain well. I don't mean that in the 'i'm not going to make it through today' kind of way but it's just like this ominous feeling in the back of your mind.
I don't agree with Jen at all but there is a point i have to realize. Jazzy has thrown me into some fairly significant trauma and i can't live like this; i won't be able to survive much longer. I have to end this before it permanently end us. I can make things work, i just can't rely on Jazzy at all. I have it in me somewhere- i just have to dig it up. So Jazzy doesn't like me. So things weren't working. So this and so that but so what? None of it matters now.
This whole deal is just ridiculous. I have to move past this. I am going to start over and try this again. I guess i am terrified that it won't work but i can't let that stop me. It doesn't matter if it doesn't work, the most important thing is fixing things and working everything out, then i can worry about dating Jazzy and i probably wont really have to.
So on Tuesday, Jen cut Jazzy's hair at Robin's and Jazzy got bangs. Wednesday morning, i was sitting on main street waiting for Jazzy as usual, feeling crummy no surprise. She came in and i melted. She looked amazing; the bangs were incredible. I died. She just kills me completely. Eli and i were talking and he loves it too. He said she just became so huggable. She hugs him, but not me.
On Thursday, i waited after school for Jazzy because she was at costumes and we needed to watch 'A clockwork Orange' for out English project. We ended up seeing it at her house instead of mine because her mom was being stupid but it worked out better for her anyways because she had other work she needed to do too. Not that i didn't, but i guess it's not as important for me. It was okay but i got really nervous and she's always so goddamn sweet. It just kills me. My heart was racing the entire time.
Friday night was the Sophomore Sleepover. I met up with Eli and Atenia for pizza in Newtonville before the sleepover and i mean i was a little nervous but i really wasn't that worried at all. I can have fun at parties, but i have a tendency to get anxious and upset and once that happens, it almost always just keeps getting worse and worse. I told myself that i wouldn't let this happen and didn't think about it much. I figured i'd give it a shot but i shouldn't listen to myself. I was hopeful because things seems to gradually be working out but i'm tired and sleep deprived and dangerously unstable. Things were going fine. I made sure not to run off with Jazzy and leave Eli because i knew that i wouldn't have liked that. The three of us were doing fine- i was hopeful that i'd actually enjoy myself and i didn't suspect that the night would end up going sour.
Eli and i went to Dan A's house after school and Jazzy's mom called me asking if i knew where Jazzy was. I was about to tell her that i thought she was going to go to do her Chinese project before her orthodontist but then i realized that maybe the orthodontist was supposed to be first
so i hesitated and then Eli just told me to give him the phone. I handed it off and Dianne gave Eli a message to relay to Jazzy that Dianne's phone was broken.
So the three of us are standing together and then Jazzy goes 'Oh yeah, i forgot to be mad at you two' and we were just like What? She was grounded because she didn't know that her mom's phone wasn't working and then i realized that that meant that the only plans that i had made that made my weekend worth anything at all were just ruined again. We were going to see 300 in IMAX yesterday evening. She told me we could do it next week but i was still sad. It was a real downer. I was just totally bummed out.
Things weren't even too bad yet. I was bummed but i didn't see this ruining my entire night but after that i just started picking up on all of Jazzy's goddamn subtleties. Then, for the whole rest of the night, absolutely everything set me off. I can't recall the specific series of events that transpired but i picked up on how Atenia said that her and Jazzy were making Eli swim and that gave me the feeling that Jazzy really just wanted to swim with Eli. Only this wasn't really anything at all. It was actually just a thought that didn't ever really affect me. I'm not sure if it's even worth mentioning at all, but hey, whatever.
There was the fact that she seemed to be treating me and Eli the way she does to be fair instead of being true and honest. Worse yet, you can tell if she's being nice to you just to be fair. So everything that seemed to be going well so far all of a sudden appeared yo be really phony. She got closer to Eli, she got closer to me. I'm not happy and she isn't being close to me, she won't be close to Eli.
Still, there are a lot of opportunities for me to get closer, go in for a hug, but she just absolutely kills me. I still feel like i should be backing off all the time and that doesn't seem to be anything of a problem for her. She seemed really into taking me on in the obstacle course race but then she kept saying not yet and she ended up going on it twice with other people before she faced me. That bothered me a little but i didn't mind too much.
I wasn't really thrown over the edge until i saw Jazzy hugging Eli a short ways down main street. At this point of the night, she knew i wasn't doing to well. She didn't just hug him, i mean they were really hugging. It looked like a really nice hug, a long one too. It bothered me a lot, for some reason, that i didn't know what the hug was for. I mean it would have been somehow comforting to know who hugged who, and if they were being cute, if it was just a hug, or no matter what, it just bothered me the most that i didn't know.
The first thing she did after she hugged him was turn right towards me. The entire night, each time she got close to Eli, she'd look to me to check if i'd seen. We made eye contact and she knew that i had seen. I turned and rushed to the bathroom where i splashed cold water on my face and i knew things were going to be bad. I really had no reason to be upset, and it really wouldn't have been so much so if i hadn't already been feeling so crummy. At this point, even though i could have disregarded the hug, there was no real hope of turning things around. I could have just found out what was up with it and i don't think i would have been affected so much.
I pounded my fists into the heavy ceramic sink and it broke. The water came out from under the sink instead of coming out through the faucet. I've never been able to assert myself in a state like that, and she has never been able to help me. She gets so close and it seems like she wouldn't flirt with me when we first started gong out to not hurt Eli but now she won't stop flirting with him. Well, not that it matters now. I know that it's just a perspective thing and he didn't have it much better at all. He knows exactly what i'm talking about a lot of the time and often he'll bring stuff up and i'll know what he's talking about.
I was going to head off down to the gymnasium where it seemed like the least likely place for them to be. But i never wanted to be away from her. I never do. Whenever i try and act like i want her away from me, she asks if she should go, i just want her to always know- i want her to care about me like i care about her. I want her to ignore me if i make it seem like i want her to leave. I want her to get closer. I looked around everywhere else and realized that they were in the gym. I couldn't go up to them. I went down there and as soon as i spotted one of them i froze and Atenia spotted me and i ran.
I couldn't let myself start crying the whole night and i couldn't leave neither. I could have pulled off getting my parents to pick me up but i didn't want to explain anything to them and i didn't really want to be away from Jazzy. Thinking about the two of them flirting like hell while i would be wherever i was wouldn't have been as bad as witnessing it.
I got asked flat out by three people if i was baked out of my mind, Dan H said i was snoshed, a few people hinted that i looked really messed up and i got a lot of looks from people. I was sitting rather precariously on the wall to the stairs leading down to the cafeteria feeling like i was going to faint but i couldn't because i could have fallen right off if i had. I waited for Eli since he said that he'd come out in a minute. then i saw Jazzy lean over and lie on him and i just came out through the doors and walked right by. I made eye contact with her. I don't remember where i went. From that point on, Eli and Jazzy made a point to stay mostly apart. I think i may have just paced around for a while. My heart was racing.
At some point, i just went right up to Jazzy while she was just sitting with Atenia. I was so scared. As crooked and shaky as it was, smiled the biggest smile i could manage. They could clearly see right through it. I looked so messed up. I had to turn around a few times to stop the urges to start crying. I didn't really say anything, she didn't really say anything. It was awkward. It was scary. Everything is so frustrating.
I felt about to faint for the whole night. Eli asked me at least thrice if there was anything he could do. I just smiled and told him that she always let me fall. Then i collapsed. He didn't catch me. I fell hard and hit my head and i realized i was imagining things.
I don't know why but the entire night, it felt like absolutely everybody was against me. I felt like Robin and Jen and Atenia and Phoebe and everybody there had somehow been told Jazzy's side of the story and were influenced against me. This still wasn't the worst yet.
I can't go up to Jazzy and i can't be away from her. I kept my distance but i didn't go for far for long. When it was over early Saturday morning and they let us out at six, we walked to Eli's house to actually sleep. Atenia and i trailed behind Eli, Jazzy, and Phoebe. Atenia stopped to finish her cigarette. I waited for her even though she said i didn't have to. "I'm so pathetic."
"Why?" i asked. As she spoke i listened and i stepped right up to her and put my hand against her head and she let her head against me. She let out a sort of sigh and she hugged me and i hugged her back. We held each other in that moment and i began to cry. I shook but still held her back just as tightly. I think she kissed my chest and let go. She probably ended the hug because i was shaking or maybe she almost started crying too.
I just wanted Jazzy to hold me. To love me and care about me. To help me and be there for me. I wanted to run and i wanted her to follow me. I didn't want her to watch me fall anymore. I just wanted us to be happy again.
We got to Eli's house and went down to the basement to sleep. Jazzy passed out pretty quickly. Atenia couldn't sleep and Eli was in the other room for a little bit on the computer doing homework. Phoebe slept on the floor and Eli did too when he came in. I started grinding my teeth together, something that i have never done before, which made this really loud sound. I stayed up a little while with Atenia she asked if i was okay but i've been getting that so much over the past month it's barely worth ever mentioning it. Then she fell asleep and i stayed up a little bit more. I didn't actually end up sleeping until around seven. Then at nine started waking up. Jazzy and i were left and she said she needed a tissue. As soon as she got up to get one i knew she would end up going upstairs and leaving me down there. She did. It must have been 9:30 at the latest when i went up to Eli's room to find Jazzy and Atenia sleeping on his bed. He was downstairs in the kitchen being all awake and stuff.
I sat on the bad for a while shaking violently. This was the worst anxiety attack i've ever had. I've only one had an anxiety attack at a friends house once at Liv's and i didn't end up completely breaking down. I've never woken up feeling worse than i did when i went to sleep. i don't think i had the energy for an anxiety attack before i had gotten the two hours of sleep that i did. Maybe half an hour later Jazzy had woken up and tapped me. I was startled and she tried to make sure i was okay. She was a little concerned but i was obviously not okay. She ended up just rolling right back over onto the bed twice. I still sat there trambling and then she told me to lie down next to her. I was squished in between her and Atenia. She tried to calm me for a while and i think she gave me kisses on the head and shoulders a few times but nothings really clear. I stopped breathing a bunch of times which got me to quiet down a little. She said she was going to get water which really meant Eli and i knew that she'd be gone for a while. Why can't she just give it to me straight? After she left i rolled over into my stomach and started bawling. I just sobbed and shook and sobbed and shook. When she got back i stopped crying but i was still shaking.
I heard Eli come in too. They seemed to think i was sleeping. I heard her tell him that the loud noise was my teeth. I didn't realize how loud it was. Atenia didn't wake up. Then Eli told Jazzy she had to call her mom or something and they left. I rolled onto my side and curled up into a ball. I cried again. I cried and cried until Atenia woke up. She didn't know what was wrong. She went downstairs and Jazzy and Eli came up a few minutes later. They had been gone for a while.
Jazzy sat with me and tried to calm me down. It was horrible. My shirt was soaked in tears and snot. I got tears on Eli's bed. Jazzy's mom came to get her and she left and Eli sat with me for a little bit. He brought me tissues and i cleaned myself up. He stayed with me until i was calmed down a bit. Eventually i went to sleep and didn't wake up until five. Eli had to go to dinner and to this dance performance thing i think so i got picked up and when i got home, i blasted music in my room so that i couldn't hear myself think.
I have to thank Lily for supplying me with some god music to listen to. I've listened to it a lot. With the music on my parents couldn't hear me. I felt like such a madman. I started laughing and crying hysterically. I called Jazzy's cell phone and i had nothing to say. Somehow i knew she wouldn't pick up and she didn't. I knew she wouldn't, but it wasn't the kind where bothered by it. I just sat there with the phone until it beeped and i left a message because she called me back later.
She called me on my cellphone but i don't get good reception in my house so i couldn't hear her and right after Eli got dropped off at my house after his thing. Then she called my cellphone again right after he came in and i couldn't hear her again. Then she called the house phone and told me that she had gotten my message but then my dad needed my help moving some furniture so i told her to call me back in fifteen minutes. Two minutes later she called Eli's cell phone. It only took like five minutes to help my dad and almost half an hour for me to realize she wasn't calling back. I called her and she had fallen asleep. That was okay. I didn't have anything to say to her.
She was tired so i offered to let her sleep. She said she didn't want to but i think she was only saying that. I asked her if she wanted to talk to Eli but she said she didn't have anything to talk about with him. She was just saying that. She didn't have anything to talk to him about in front of me, maybe. She doesn't need something to talk about with him just like she shouldn't have needed an opportune moment to make me a phone call. She was saying a lot and it didn't make me feel too much better.
Then she said she'd go to bed and i told her to say hi to Eli and she agreed to talk to him for two minutes. I knew that meant more like at least ten. He talked to her for a while and i sat around until handed off the phone back to me. Jazzy and i didn't really talk and she was all 'I can let you get back to your sleepover' and trying to be subtle about leaving. She said she didn't want to interrupt out time after she just spent way over twp minutes on the phone with Eli to say hi to him before she went to bed. She wanted to talk because she likes us she said but she understood if i wanted to go. So she said she was going to sleep and i said bye. It felt pretty emotionless. Maybe it just seemed longer to me- i don't think so though. I guess it's understandable.
The entire night i was in pain all over. My head throbbed. My muscles were sore. My hands ached. My limbs were stiff. Mu lungs were tight. My chest was heavy. My ribs felt broken. My eyes hurt. My stomach still queasy. It was the worse day of my life. We met up with Lily 3:30 in the morning and she stayed at my house for a while. It hurt to laugh. It hurt to breathe. This is getting out of hand. Maybe i need to see somebody.
After me and Eli walked Lily back home and got back, we just crashed. We were exhausted. I had this terrible nightmare. I was at my aunt's house to open presents and when i opened mine there was this loud deafening noise and this melting feeling overwhelmed me. Everything went black and i couldn't hear. I realized that it was a bomb and that i was about to die. I don't know if i had stopped breathing in my sleep or if there was a loud noise in real life or what but i woke up gasping for air or yelling because Eli woke up and he was like "Dude, what happened?" and made sure i was okay. I was in shock for almost a minute but then i responded and let him know it was a nightmare.
This morning when we woke up we had pancakes for breakfast and then we dropped Eli off because we had to go the the cemetery to pay our respects. We go twice a year. Jazzy and i were supposed to go there a really long time ago just to walk around because it's such a beautiful place but that never happened.
We were also supposed to go to Larz Anderson park again but we never did. I put it on my calendar and each Saturday i'd end up having to move it to next Saturday- and i'm still doing that. We haven't been talking much since we broke up and we tried to set something up last week but it wasn't working so she said fuck the week and promised me time this weekend. Well, 300 didn't work out so she said she'd see me today. Then she said she'd stop by my house but i had misinterpreted that and actually said that she would try to- but turns out she can't. It didn't matter though. Her promises never did.
She said she'd call me on Tuesday and i called her when it started getting late and she was like yeahh...i'm at Robin's and i can't talk and it's late so i won't be able to call you later. If i don't call her to see what's going on i don't find this stuff out. She seems to do this kind of thing a lot.
Well i may pay a lot of attention to her, but she sure seems to make it a point to avid looking in my direction a lot. If only i could assert myself more i would be something worth paying attention to instead of being so submissive all the time.
I called Atenia because we've been meaning to hang out for a long time and she asked me if i wanted to hang out while we were walking to Eli's from the sleepover. I wasn't very enthusiastic because i wasn't doing to well so i apologized for that. I told her i couldn't hang out today but i wanted to sometime. We talked for a while and it was cool since it was the first time we've talked on the phone. She told me that she had talked to Jazzy on the phone last night for like an hour but Jazzy told me that she called me as soon as she got home and she hung up when she said she was going to sleep. Oh well. Atenia said that she'll call me later.
Jazzy tells people that it's not the fact that she doesn't like me that is a problem, it's just that i was so unhappy and miserable. The things that made me unhappy and miserable and worried were all because she didn't like me. Things are easier for her now, but things are worse for me. Things have never been so bad for me.
Sure, she's closer with Eli right not but so much of this stuff is just in my head. I just need to break through it and be able to be me again.
You know, i have this weird thing where often times i can see bad things coming before they do. It's not always bad things i see coming for example, during volleyball in P.E. i always knew when and when not the ball was coming to me.
To add onto what i was saying in my last post about being able to really read into the traits of someone you know extremely well, hearing Jazzy talk about her beliefs about god just made me realize what a different light we saw the world in. I don't really agree with what she thinks but i can understand her even if she doesn't know how i see things. She also mentioned a while ago that the wasn't to keen on the idea of marriage.
I don't like the idea of a private blog so my goal is to be able to open up this blog by not having so much of a focus on Jazzy. There really is so much more that i think about but Jazzy has taken up so much of me now. I haven't been able to check my activism email account in two weeks. This has never happened before. It's not like it matters anyways. I could just make it public right now and not tell anybody about it. It makes no difference.
I have so much to do. It's Sunday evening now. i haven't even started my work. I have hours of research to do for my History research project. I have to make 50 (overdue) notecards and have an outline for my paper by tomorrow. I have to make up the English test i missed on Wednesday tomorrow after school which means i have to read the play Oedipus Rex and study to 60 vocabulary words for the test. I also have to put together my book group's presentation for 'A Clockwork Orange' to present on Tuesday. The term ends Thursday so i have to make up all of my work by then. I still have a chem lab from the beginning of the term to make up. I missed the quiz in Math on Thursday so i have to make that up by coming in early before school on Tuesday and Wednesday and then on Thursday is the big test. In computers, i have to do the first major project of the year, which is designing computers for a software company and creating a presentation to detail it.
I can't wait for vacation. I need it so badly. I'll be able to fix Eli's computer and i'm going to get the new Ubuntu linux which will be so cool. I also have to take a look at the materials that 'Where There Be Dragons' sent me for mt Thailand trip this summer. There was a lot more i was planning on but i don't remember right now.
I hope this blog post came out okay. The proofreading didn't really help that much i don't think. It's is better than it would have been, that's for sure but it's still disorganized. I'm just really tired.
P.S. Eli- we need grapefruit next weekend
Lily - We need to finish 'Requiem for a Dream'
Robin - We need to go biking and do some baking
KayAnna - You need to get your ass down here from Maine!
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Hello nicee blog
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