You know, i really can't tell whether the things Jazzy does are specific to me. Talking to Eli, it doesn't seem to be that way but i still can't help but get that feeling. I feel like she can't show me the commitment an loyalty while we're dating that i can while we're not. Even when i didn't speak to her i remembered promises that we'd made to each other and i kept them. She kept them, for the most part, but she forgot about them and the was nothing stopping her from breaking them.
When her and i started going out again, she made sure that we didn't act like we were dating at all in front of Eli. No being close or flirting of any kind. She was very good at it too. I understood that she didn't want to hurt his feelings but now in hindsight i'm not so sure if that's all there was to it. She flirted with him constantly while her and i were dating and she never stopped. After how much we had talked about it there really is no excuse for that. It's unfair. She'd walk with me between classes but she'd always be off in a hurry when she had b-block study or math during g-block. She said it was because she didn't like to be late to her classes. She never cared much about the other ones, and coincidentally Eli is in her Math class and study. That might just be in my head though.
Meh. On my way to A-block (French) this morning, i walked by her in the hallway and she didn't look at me. I knew she knew i was there. And i knew she knew that. It wasn't a good feeling. She walked clear pas me without so much as a glance. The tension has to loosen up a bit. It's so hard to be like this. I ride up and down on this emotional roller coaster (yes, i am aware of the cliché). So, today we broke the barrier of silence. It was very, very awkward.
Even though i haven't been talking to her for the past few days, i still go out of my way to walk by her classes on the way from one of my classes to the next hoping that i can still see her every once in a while. So on my way to history i saw her in the hall in yellow and she asked if i called her last night. She knew i did. I knew that but told her i didn't know anyways. It was very classic like ,"So..." and stuff. I wasn't doing much of the talking though. Finally, she said she was going to art. I said i was going to History. I went one way, she went another. As i came out on the fourth floor from the staircase she was coming up the hall and she stopped and, realizing what we'd done, couldn't help but laugh. I gave a slight smile and then i was off to History and she was at art.
I think it was when i was on the phone with Jazzy on Saturday night and not talking that she kept asking why we weren't talking and what was up. She keeps saying that she wants to be here for me and it get me so unnerved. I know i shouldn't be, but just thinking of her "being there" is as painful as it is pleasant. I don't remember when, i think it was when i ran into her outside of her Chinese class when i was on my way from computer repair to History, but she asked if we were going to hang out ever.
When it was time for lunch i went around to run into her. I found her in the cafeteria. I pretended like i wasn't looking for her. I went and sat on that weird round bench thing around the big column thing. Eve sat next to me and gave me a hug. *Tangerine squid mongler* Jazzy spotted me and we exchanged many awkward glances. I didn't know what to do. I looked at her, turned towards the spot next to me, opposite Eve, occupied by the plate left from somebody's lunch, i moved it aside, and looked back at her. She took the seat.
I had the privilege of buying her a bag of chips which we shared. We were gong to leave the cafeteria probably to go be with the rest of her friends but that didn't happen. I asked her what she was doing after school on out way back to class and she had costumes. That was okay since i have lots of work to do.
After school i waited by her locker. It was a weird feeling doing that for the first time in a while. I still notice her even when i'm not with her. I may not be looking directly at her but i'm still paying attention to her whenever she's in eyeshot. I wonder if she does this to me too. Well, when she came i asked her to 300 in IMAX this weekend. Maybe that will work out. I also asked her what was going on today and tomorrow. She was pretty intolerant as usual, "too many questions!"
There's three things going on here. First, i may simply be curious and trying to figure out what's going on. Second, i might not have understood it the first time. Third, i'm tired of getting a skewed story the first time i ask so i have to make sure she's not omitting or twisting anything. I don't think she likes not being able to do that. She always make me feel crappy about it. Well, after that she was off to GSA which didn't pop into the picture until the second time i asked her what she was doing after school.
Well, i'm exhausted. Stayed up late and i'm way behind on my research project. My grade is plummeting. Headaches are still pretty bad. No anxiety attacks in school, or none serious enough to get me to the nurse. Hopefully things can start leveling out.
Oh, and i forgot to mention what miraculous thing happened yesterday. I was at Lily's house last night to get work done...and i got work done! More than i have in the past few months! It was really cool. We've gotta do it again. It almost worked when i tried it with Eli but then it didn't haha. When i got home it was back to procrastinating though. I've gotta start working like i mean it or else i'm screwed.
Until next time.
When her and i started going out again, she made sure that we didn't act like we were dating at all in front of Eli. No being close or flirting of any kind. She was very good at it too. I understood that she didn't want to hurt his feelings but now in hindsight i'm not so sure if that's all there was to it. She flirted with him constantly while her and i were dating and she never stopped. After how much we had talked about it there really is no excuse for that. It's unfair. She'd walk with me between classes but she'd always be off in a hurry when she had b-block study or math during g-block. She said it was because she didn't like to be late to her classes. She never cared much about the other ones, and coincidentally Eli is in her Math class and study. That might just be in my head though.
Meh. On my way to A-block (French) this morning, i walked by her in the hallway and she didn't look at me. I knew she knew i was there. And i knew she knew that. It wasn't a good feeling. She walked clear pas me without so much as a glance. The tension has to loosen up a bit. It's so hard to be like this. I ride up and down on this emotional roller coaster (yes, i am aware of the cliché). So, today we broke the barrier of silence. It was very, very awkward.
Even though i haven't been talking to her for the past few days, i still go out of my way to walk by her classes on the way from one of my classes to the next hoping that i can still see her every once in a while. So on my way to history i saw her in the hall in yellow and she asked if i called her last night. She knew i did. I knew that but told her i didn't know anyways. It was very classic like ,"So..." and stuff. I wasn't doing much of the talking though. Finally, she said she was going to art. I said i was going to History. I went one way, she went another. As i came out on the fourth floor from the staircase she was coming up the hall and she stopped and, realizing what we'd done, couldn't help but laugh. I gave a slight smile and then i was off to History and she was at art.
I think it was when i was on the phone with Jazzy on Saturday night and not talking that she kept asking why we weren't talking and what was up. She keeps saying that she wants to be here for me and it get me so unnerved. I know i shouldn't be, but just thinking of her "being there" is as painful as it is pleasant. I don't remember when, i think it was when i ran into her outside of her Chinese class when i was on my way from computer repair to History, but she asked if we were going to hang out ever.
When it was time for lunch i went around to run into her. I found her in the cafeteria. I pretended like i wasn't looking for her. I went and sat on that weird round bench thing around the big column thing. Eve sat next to me and gave me a hug. *Tangerine squid mongler* Jazzy spotted me and we exchanged many awkward glances. I didn't know what to do. I looked at her, turned towards the spot next to me, opposite Eve, occupied by the plate left from somebody's lunch, i moved it aside, and looked back at her. She took the seat.
I had the privilege of buying her a bag of chips which we shared. We were gong to leave the cafeteria probably to go be with the rest of her friends but that didn't happen. I asked her what she was doing after school on out way back to class and she had costumes. That was okay since i have lots of work to do.
After school i waited by her locker. It was a weird feeling doing that for the first time in a while. I still notice her even when i'm not with her. I may not be looking directly at her but i'm still paying attention to her whenever she's in eyeshot. I wonder if she does this to me too. Well, when she came i asked her to 300 in IMAX this weekend. Maybe that will work out. I also asked her what was going on today and tomorrow. She was pretty intolerant as usual, "too many questions!"
There's three things going on here. First, i may simply be curious and trying to figure out what's going on. Second, i might not have understood it the first time. Third, i'm tired of getting a skewed story the first time i ask so i have to make sure she's not omitting or twisting anything. I don't think she likes not being able to do that. She always make me feel crappy about it. Well, after that she was off to GSA which didn't pop into the picture until the second time i asked her what she was doing after school.
Well, i'm exhausted. Stayed up late and i'm way behind on my research project. My grade is plummeting. Headaches are still pretty bad. No anxiety attacks in school, or none serious enough to get me to the nurse. Hopefully things can start leveling out.
Oh, and i forgot to mention what miraculous thing happened yesterday. I was at Lily's house last night to get work done...and i got work done! More than i have in the past few months! It was really cool. We've gotta do it again. It almost worked when i tried it with Eli but then it didn't haha. When i got home it was back to procrastinating though. I've gotta start working like i mean it or else i'm screwed.
Until next time.
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