I haven't posted in almost a week. Feels strange...i just couldn't do it. I didn't want to go on about my daily activities and random recollections of the events past; about how i've been staying up every night, how i haven't been eating normally, how i still cry all the time. I just couldn't make out anything more than that i felt completely used and manipulated and hopeless. I even considered discontinuing this blog.
It's hard for me to tell whether or not rambling on about my day by day experiences actually does anything besides detract from what little significant content there is. I don't even know what to say or how to say it without feeling like i'm bitching on and on about nothing, but then again, here i am doing it right now. I hate to be coming off as some creepy obsessive emo and weirding everyone out because i'm being to open. Self-censorship isn't really my thing either so i'd probably just make this a completely private blog. Then i'd never feel like there was a point to writing. After a thinking for too long like this it's hard to see anything but pointlessness and futility in anything.
I guess i'll give you a brief summary to read over if you want. So yeah, on Monday i ended up staying up until almost 6 in the morning. I had a horrible week. I haven't been able to get much sleep, even with MCAS disallowing teachers to assign any work. I didn't start my Frankenstein project for English until i got to school the day it was due. I didn't make the last deadline for my history research paper and i almost broke down in front of my teacher when i told her but she let me off the hook probably because of how violently i was trembling. I had my appointment with the world renowned Dr. Ferber.
It's so hard to even think about Jazzy not to mention see her or talk to her. I can't get my mind off of it. No matter what it's always there but i have to put on a smile when the situation calls for it. That's not to say that my smile is always just artificial, it's just that no matter what, even if i am having a good time, i still can't help but think of her. I don't know how i am going to be able to put this behind me and start over again. There's no hope of making anything better right now.
My mom said that Dianne, Jazzy's mom, said that Atenia said that Jazzy said that she wanted space and that i pressured her into giving me hugs and that i made her uncomfortable. I haven't tried to hug her at all. I knew it wasn't true, but it was a reason to call her. She said that i was fine, but she also said a bunch of other stuff. She didn't seem honest at all when she said she'd never said that. She didn't remember saying something that could have been similar to that because she'd "said a lot of things." There's no good way to take that.
Now that i think about it...maybe it was that one time since we broke up that i thought was nice. When we were at the park with Robin and Jen. If it is...i feel sick.
Well that night wasn't good. Then again it wasn't too much worse than any other night. This finally feels completely over. She told me she still wasn't over it. I told her she was over me. She said no. I asked if she was saying that she still liked me. She said no, she was saying she wasn't over it. At that moment i knew that everything since my first doubt in our relationship has been entirely delusive.
She twisted everything to keep me there when she didn't actually like me. She pushed me away and kept me from leaving. She backed of but kept me following. She gets what she wants. She never actually cared to do anything to help me. She just needs somebody to sympathize with her, to hear her side of the story, and then it's all just peachy keen. She needs sympathy, somebody on her side. She can't be sorry for anything. I'm sorry for everything. She makes it seem like i am against her when she really just works against me. She lead me on.
Jazzy told me that she can tell that i like her because i play with her hair. You can tell when she's coming on to somebody too. The difference is that for me, you can only use that to tell if i like her. I think she might like Eli but can't advance because they've already tried going out. She gets what she wants.
Sure, maybe she did think that she liked me, that she wanted things to work and sure, she wasn't being malicious intentionally, but she wasn't true to me, or herself. She was misleading and for the first time in my life i just feel regret. Regret because once again we failed, and it's more than we just fell apart. I don't know what to say.
I did some more crying. Jazzy's used to hearing my cry on about whatever. It doesn't even matter why. Later, my mom told me to cry myself to sleep but i don't think she knows how much i've already cried. I did it anyways.
I've probably sounded like a douche bag so far since i haven't really been explaining myself. I try calling Jazzy but i am too angry and upset and sad and scared and i hang up. I emailed her and we began to make plans but then i emailed back and with just a "nevermind". So she doesn't like me. It's such a strange feeling. I almost threw up so many times yesterday.
I was just sifting through pictures and memories of her on Facebook and i saw that she removed our relationship status. This post is beginning to fall apart as the time ticks by and i lose my mind. Everything is all scattered.
I don't want to talk about how much i cry. I'm afraid of what you will think of me. After school yesterday i was supposed to go to Eli's house after school but i ended up almost two hours late because i was out crying alone and in the cold. The headaches i've been getting are becoming unbearable.
I've had that song Atenia played on his computer playing in my head. I don't know why. I was standing when she put it on and i just zoned out. I swear i would have collapsed and passed out if Eli hadn't caught my attnetion and i snapped out of it and sat down on the floor. I feel like i've been losing myself in extended trance like states more and more lately.
Eli slept over. We talked. He understands. It would be easier for me if i could just post our dialog here. I know i'm leaving out so much but i'm tired and can't remember everything or think straight. I'll catch you up more later.
P.S. Up until now, the only people granted access to this blog were Eli, Robin, and Lily but there now is the addition of KayAnna.
It's hard for me to tell whether or not rambling on about my day by day experiences actually does anything besides detract from what little significant content there is. I don't even know what to say or how to say it without feeling like i'm bitching on and on about nothing, but then again, here i am doing it right now. I hate to be coming off as some creepy obsessive emo and weirding everyone out because i'm being to open. Self-censorship isn't really my thing either so i'd probably just make this a completely private blog. Then i'd never feel like there was a point to writing. After a thinking for too long like this it's hard to see anything but pointlessness and futility in anything.
I guess i'll give you a brief summary to read over if you want. So yeah, on Monday i ended up staying up until almost 6 in the morning. I had a horrible week. I haven't been able to get much sleep, even with MCAS disallowing teachers to assign any work. I didn't start my Frankenstein project for English until i got to school the day it was due. I didn't make the last deadline for my history research paper and i almost broke down in front of my teacher when i told her but she let me off the hook probably because of how violently i was trembling. I had my appointment with the world renowned Dr. Ferber.
It's so hard to even think about Jazzy not to mention see her or talk to her. I can't get my mind off of it. No matter what it's always there but i have to put on a smile when the situation calls for it. That's not to say that my smile is always just artificial, it's just that no matter what, even if i am having a good time, i still can't help but think of her. I don't know how i am going to be able to put this behind me and start over again. There's no hope of making anything better right now.
My mom said that Dianne, Jazzy's mom, said that Atenia said that Jazzy said that she wanted space and that i pressured her into giving me hugs and that i made her uncomfortable. I haven't tried to hug her at all. I knew it wasn't true, but it was a reason to call her. She said that i was fine, but she also said a bunch of other stuff. She didn't seem honest at all when she said she'd never said that. She didn't remember saying something that could have been similar to that because she'd "said a lot of things." There's no good way to take that.
Now that i think about it...maybe it was that one time since we broke up that i thought was nice. When we were at the park with Robin and Jen. If it is...i feel sick.
Well that night wasn't good. Then again it wasn't too much worse than any other night. This finally feels completely over. She told me she still wasn't over it. I told her she was over me. She said no. I asked if she was saying that she still liked me. She said no, she was saying she wasn't over it. At that moment i knew that everything since my first doubt in our relationship has been entirely delusive.
She twisted everything to keep me there when she didn't actually like me. She pushed me away and kept me from leaving. She backed of but kept me following. She gets what she wants. She never actually cared to do anything to help me. She just needs somebody to sympathize with her, to hear her side of the story, and then it's all just peachy keen. She needs sympathy, somebody on her side. She can't be sorry for anything. I'm sorry for everything. She makes it seem like i am against her when she really just works against me. She lead me on.
Jazzy told me that she can tell that i like her because i play with her hair. You can tell when she's coming on to somebody too. The difference is that for me, you can only use that to tell if i like her. I think she might like Eli but can't advance because they've already tried going out. She gets what she wants.
Sure, maybe she did think that she liked me, that she wanted things to work and sure, she wasn't being malicious intentionally, but she wasn't true to me, or herself. She was misleading and for the first time in my life i just feel regret. Regret because once again we failed, and it's more than we just fell apart. I don't know what to say.
I did some more crying. Jazzy's used to hearing my cry on about whatever. It doesn't even matter why. Later, my mom told me to cry myself to sleep but i don't think she knows how much i've already cried. I did it anyways.
I've probably sounded like a douche bag so far since i haven't really been explaining myself. I try calling Jazzy but i am too angry and upset and sad and scared and i hang up. I emailed her and we began to make plans but then i emailed back and with just a "nevermind". So she doesn't like me. It's such a strange feeling. I almost threw up so many times yesterday.
I was just sifting through pictures and memories of her on Facebook and i saw that she removed our relationship status. This post is beginning to fall apart as the time ticks by and i lose my mind. Everything is all scattered.
I don't want to talk about how much i cry. I'm afraid of what you will think of me. After school yesterday i was supposed to go to Eli's house after school but i ended up almost two hours late because i was out crying alone and in the cold. The headaches i've been getting are becoming unbearable.
I've had that song Atenia played on his computer playing in my head. I don't know why. I was standing when she put it on and i just zoned out. I swear i would have collapsed and passed out if Eli hadn't caught my attnetion and i snapped out of it and sat down on the floor. I feel like i've been losing myself in extended trance like states more and more lately.
Eli slept over. We talked. He understands. It would be easier for me if i could just post our dialog here. I know i'm leaving out so much but i'm tired and can't remember everything or think straight. I'll catch you up more later.
P.S. Up until now, the only people granted access to this blog were Eli, Robin, and Lily but there now is the addition of KayAnna.
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