So i finally got my new computer parts during finals and it just died again. I suspect the PSU to be the root of these problems. I'm really frustrated to have this happen again. I have been so chill lately i've been exspecting something to set me off. I want that faster internet. It's the same fucking price. I want my new fucking external hard drive. I need a job so i can afford it. I want, i want~ i hate hearing myself say that. I feel so fucking shallow.
And oh yeah, i forgot to explain the real reason why i started feeling bad about myself even before my dad ripped on me. It was because at the end of the night we were driving back and two other people had to get into the car. We stopped to let them in and i think the driver or someone suggested that the girl who was fairly small sit in the space between the two chairs in the middle row. I was sitting in the chair on the right. The guy would sit in the passenger seat of the car. I got out to let her in and she asked where i was going to sit and i gave a little nervous laugh realizing that i was so politely stepping out of the vehicle to let her sit on the fucking floor. I guess what stuck me is that when whoever suggested that she just sit in the middle suggested so, i was just happy i got to keep my seat and didn't even think about her. I guess this seems small and insignificant, but to me it isn't really. It's come to my attention lately and not just with this incident. I can't actually recall any others but i know there has been at least one more. I have been putting myself in front of others, and without even any thought. What i felt first, was shame, not guilt. I didn't used to be like this.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
No. 69
So last night my dad got really pissed off at me. He was just telling me how irresponsible and careless i am. He didn't really flip out until i started to walk away because i thought he was done. I really wish he wouldn't let it build up like this though. I mean i don't even think there was that much. He just did a really good job of making me feel awful. He talked about how bad i am with getting sleep, how i hadn't cleaned my room, how i don't call them when i'm out and my plans change, how i don't take care of my dishes often, how i left the door open to my room with the AC on (even though that only happened twice and it was on the same day), he said i don't care because i wasn't the one paying the bills, that i don't spend enough time with my siblings or the family, and i don't know what else. I mean i could defend myself but he is right. I don't think those things at such big deals and i am going to work on them, i just didn't enjoy how he flipped out. He also said not to ask for FiOS or that external hard drive anymore. He wasn't going to get me any of those things (even though switching to FiOS would cost the same as what we have now) when i don't do anything for the family. He did a really good job of making me sound like a leech.
I was already feeling bad about myself because i was out with some friends, Angelina and some people. I felt a little bad because i ditched Lisa and my circle of friends to stay with Angelina and company. Lisa was depending on me for a ride and she has been depressed and i said i'd be there for her but i haven't followed through. She did get a ride from Lily though. Angelina was pissed because Janling, Donnie, and i went to go get coffee which ended up being ice cream and then walking around and we tried calling but didn't get though. When we got back together she was a little mad that we had left like that without telling them and without calling. I did tell them where we were going though. It was directed at Doug and Dan but maybe they didn't really hear.
I was talking to Caleb and mentioned the idea of me liking Robin. Angelina told me that a lot of people are convinced there's something going on between us. Robin is so gay she's almost heterophobic haha. We do act really close though, and this is coming from a group of friends who is totally comfortable with holding hands, hugging, sitting on each others laps, and on some occasions cuddling, and even more rarely a chicken kiss (peck). I guess it's not what we do, but how we are always holding hands or have our arms on each other or are hugging or something. Anyways, he said he felt similarly for his lesbian friend, although i can't imagine they act like Robin and i. I don't think i actually like her, but i feel like i could if she were straight. I bet it'd be awkward if she knew that. Could a part of it be that i'm really lonely? I guess it's okay as long as we're just friends.
So a little catching up: I have a party at my house to celebrate the release of school for summer. It was like a rave, only it wasn't really because it was jsut at my house and we didn't have a real DJ mixing stuff or anything. Just played requests that we got. Anyways, Jazzy and Kyle came to that and it wasn't really awkward. I even hung out with them and some people at the Natick Mall on another occasion. I guess i'm still hung up on her, but her and Kyle are solid. I don't fret about what they might be doing now i guess because i'm not worried that they might be anymore. What's worse is that even i think they go well together. I think, though, that's she's the only person that i really found "beautiful." I mean there have been a lot of people who are cute or hott or good looking or attractive but she has something else. Or maybe i'm just being an idiot.
A few more things to add to my list this summer:
I was already feeling bad about myself because i was out with some friends, Angelina and some people. I felt a little bad because i ditched Lisa and my circle of friends to stay with Angelina and company. Lisa was depending on me for a ride and she has been depressed and i said i'd be there for her but i haven't followed through. She did get a ride from Lily though. Angelina was pissed because Janling, Donnie, and i went to go get coffee which ended up being ice cream and then walking around and we tried calling but didn't get though. When we got back together she was a little mad that we had left like that without telling them and without calling. I did tell them where we were going though. It was directed at Doug and Dan but maybe they didn't really hear.
I was talking to Caleb and mentioned the idea of me liking Robin. Angelina told me that a lot of people are convinced there's something going on between us. Robin is so gay she's almost heterophobic haha. We do act really close though, and this is coming from a group of friends who is totally comfortable with holding hands, hugging, sitting on each others laps, and on some occasions cuddling, and even more rarely a chicken kiss (peck). I guess it's not what we do, but how we are always holding hands or have our arms on each other or are hugging or something. Anyways, he said he felt similarly for his lesbian friend, although i can't imagine they act like Robin and i. I don't think i actually like her, but i feel like i could if she were straight. I bet it'd be awkward if she knew that. Could a part of it be that i'm really lonely? I guess it's okay as long as we're just friends.
So a little catching up: I have a party at my house to celebrate the release of school for summer. It was like a rave, only it wasn't really because it was jsut at my house and we didn't have a real DJ mixing stuff or anything. Just played requests that we got. Anyways, Jazzy and Kyle came to that and it wasn't really awkward. I even hung out with them and some people at the Natick Mall on another occasion. I guess i'm still hung up on her, but her and Kyle are solid. I don't fret about what they might be doing now i guess because i'm not worried that they might be anymore. What's worse is that even i think they go well together. I think, though, that's she's the only person that i really found "beautiful." I mean there have been a lot of people who are cute or hott or good looking or attractive but she has something else. Or maybe i'm just being an idiot.
A few more things to add to my list this summer:
- Read
- Exercise
- Parkour or free running maybe
Monday, June 23, 2008
No. 67
Hello, it's finally summer. I have a few goals so far.
- Learn Lojban with Tengwar
- Get a FOSS certification
- Learn a programming language (probably Python)
- Step up my participation in the Ubuntu Massachusetts Team
- Volunteer for the Free Software Foundation
- Get a job/internship (maybe at evolutionaryIT or other FOSS company)
- Get an awesome girlfriend
- Take lots of pictures
- Maybe pick up the guitar again
- Convert friends to Linux!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
