No. 70

So i finally got my new computer parts during finals and it just died again. I suspect the PSU to be the root of these problems. I'm really frustrated to have this happen again. I have been so chill lately i've been exspecting something to set me off. I want that faster internet. It's the same fucking price. I want my new fucking external hard drive. I need a job so i can afford it. I want, i want~ i hate hearing myself say that. I feel so fucking shallow. And oh yeah, i forgot to explain the real reason why i started feeling bad about myself even before my dad ripped on me. It was because at the end of the night we were driving back and two other people had to get into the car. We stopped to let them in and i think the driver or someone suggested that the girl who was fairly small sit in the space between the two chairs in the middle row. I was sitting in the chair on the right. The guy would sit in the passenger seat of the car. I got out to let her in and she asked where i was going to sit and i gave a little nervous laugh realizing that i was so politely stepping out of the vehicle to let her sit on the fucking floor. I guess what stuck me is that when whoever suggested that she just sit in the middle suggested so, i was just happy i got to keep my seat and didn't even think about her. I guess this seems small and insignificant, but to me it isn't really. It's come to my attention lately and not just with this incident. I can't actually recall any others but i know there has been at least one more. I have been putting myself in front of others, and without even any thought. What i felt first, was shame, not guilt. I didn't used to be like this.