I finally fell apart this weekend. After watching the trailers for FFXIII for the first time in over a year, i've picked up playing FFX again since i never got around to beating it. I started over from the beginning and Nick saw and wanted to play so i said he had to create a separate saved game for himself. Well, his game saved over my game, erasing over 10 hours of gameplay. Needless to say i was pissed, but it was pathetic, and i knew it. I got so upset, and then i just got more upset. I started thinking about everything and i just felt worse and worse. I didn't know what to do. I went up to my room and after a while i called Robin. The conversation isn't fresh in my mind now so forgive me is this is pretty choppy.
For the most part i wasn't talking much at first. I was trying my best to breathe but i was just so upset. She almost got me by asking if i was okay, but i've been asked that so many times i'm able to hold back my reaction. She even said that usually you can tell if someone's not okay because after you ask they'll just cry but she couldn't tell if i was crying because she wasn't there. I'm pretty sure she could tell though, even if she might not have been positive.
I went outside and it must have been around freezing temperature. There was snow on the ground and it sounded like it was sleeting. It shivered a lot for a while but then i got used to it and stopped. The cold numbed me out. It all made sense. I try to freeze myself when i get upset so i don't have to feel it anymore. After a little while i sent back inside and lied on the bed again.
Robin finally got me to talk. I told her about what happened with the stupid video game. I told her why it was like this. It's because losing this stupid game finally made me feel something after i've tried so hard and worked so long to not be able to feel anymore. That was it, i started crying.
It was the first time i'd cried in a while. I don't remember crying at all since last summer. Now it makes sense why everything emotional i see brings me to the brink of tears. It brings back feelings that i have suppressed. I've actually started listening to techno now and even that makes more sense now. On top of the fact that techno can help keep me a little more awake, it has for the most part no emotional value, and i am strongly moved by music.
A lot of the time she tried to get me to agree to get help from a therapist or try getting medicine. I've tried a therapist, what are they going to be able to tell me? Medicine doesn't feel right to me, i can't do something that doesn't feel right to me like this.
Finally we got to the point. Maybe a therapist could tell me what is causing all of this, she suggested. I don't need a therapist to tell me that, i replied. So she asked what it was...and i told her. The greater part of a year, is how long it took me to finally come out with it. I told her i never got over what happened between me and Jazzy.
She wasn't sure what i meant. She asked if i still loved her or was just torn up still or what. The way she asked made me feel a little bit awkward but I told her i didn't know how i feel.
Somehow, at some point, she asked if i'd ever thought about suicide. I paused. After a moment i replied, "Yeah...but not in a while." I told her what it was like to feel that way, and how it was just recently that realized that i stopped feeling suicidal, probably because i've gotten used to being alone. I talked to her about how it might not just be illogical thoughts. I assured her how i realized in Thailand that i could never allow myself to do it.
At one point she asked me what makes me happy. I stopped and thought. I didn't know. I have no idea what makes me happy. I couldn't think of a single thing. I explained that what's kept me going is my belief in doing what's right. What makes a person good is not doing everything they should do in society's terms, but doing everything that they can do for others. A person like that recognizes the obligation to do the right thing; to put others first.
I told her how no mater what, it was making that difference that kept me going, but that now, somehow even that isn't enough anymore. I didn't tell her how this whole mess makes me feel like a bad person. I didn't think anyone could get in the way of me doing the right thing, but Jazzy has.
Maybe it's because it doesn't feel right without her.
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