So it's been a little while since i've written here. I just put it off like everything else. For a while i thought the best way to do this was to just write when i felt like it, and i'm starting to realize that maybe you really have to just do it-- even when you don't want to because it's not always the easiest thing to make yourself want to.
I wondered if Jazzy noticed me when i saw her. I'd bet we were both pretending like the other didn't exist. I wonder if she knew when i was pretending not to notice her. I almost wished she did.
You know why i'm bothered by my friends being friends with her? They side with her. Not that there's ever the opportunity for that to show now that nobody talks about it but if it were to get brought up, i can be damn sure they wouldn't take my side. Otherwise, they would see her differently than they do.
I've still been spending most of my time alone though i did hang out with Eli for the first time in a long time on Wednesday. A while ago i talked to him online. I told him that he might need to help me if things don't get better this winter. He was surprised. He didn't think i wanted that. Well i didn't. I explained to him how i am torn between desperately wanting everyone to know and not wanting anybody to know but the bottom line was that i didn't want to talk. I told him that i knew that if things got worse this winter, then i really wouldn't want to talk and that i worried that was potentially dangerous. I didn't want to wait before i told him because if i did, the next time i would be willing to talk might be too late.
He asked if i was telling him i was suicidal. I said no. I simply replied that if i had seasonal depression then i could get much worse than i already was. I told him that i would tell Robin too to be safe but i never ended up talking to her. After that i became even more distanced than i already was. I really stopped talking to people as much.
I went to Mr. Shehan a few times and we met with the school psychiatrist. He said i was depressed and needed to force myself to be more social even though i wouldn't feel like it. Eh.
Being alone so much, i've actually had a lot of random people just come up to me and start talking to me. It's weird. At some point i've been semi-close with so many people. I've drifted into so many groups of friends. I know so many people, and they all know me. Do they see me the way i am and feel bad? I don't know what it is but it feels almost surreal. I feel like i'm abusing that word though.
It sucks to see her.
It sucks even more to see her with him.
I don't like him. The fact that she does makes me see her a lot differently. He's not a good person. He's a "cool" person, and at one point i actually almost wanted to be friend with just for that, but he isn't a good person. A pirate? What the fuck? He doesn't care about others, he's an asshole, and he doesn't belong to a very nice crowd either.
She spoke to me. It started out like this:
She made everything that i loved, worth loving. I don't know if i can really be happy without her. It sure feels like that. She's the only person who could get in the way of what i knew i needed to do because it is the right thing to do. So maybe what i have to do is just go on because i have to, even if i can't be happy.
I really wish i could explain that better.
I wondered if Jazzy noticed me when i saw her. I'd bet we were both pretending like the other didn't exist. I wonder if she knew when i was pretending not to notice her. I almost wished she did.
You know why i'm bothered by my friends being friends with her? They side with her. Not that there's ever the opportunity for that to show now that nobody talks about it but if it were to get brought up, i can be damn sure they wouldn't take my side. Otherwise, they would see her differently than they do.
I've still been spending most of my time alone though i did hang out with Eli for the first time in a long time on Wednesday. A while ago i talked to him online. I told him that he might need to help me if things don't get better this winter. He was surprised. He didn't think i wanted that. Well i didn't. I explained to him how i am torn between desperately wanting everyone to know and not wanting anybody to know but the bottom line was that i didn't want to talk. I told him that i knew that if things got worse this winter, then i really wouldn't want to talk and that i worried that was potentially dangerous. I didn't want to wait before i told him because if i did, the next time i would be willing to talk might be too late.
He asked if i was telling him i was suicidal. I said no. I simply replied that if i had seasonal depression then i could get much worse than i already was. I told him that i would tell Robin too to be safe but i never ended up talking to her. After that i became even more distanced than i already was. I really stopped talking to people as much.
I went to Mr. Shehan a few times and we met with the school psychiatrist. He said i was depressed and needed to force myself to be more social even though i wouldn't feel like it. Eh.
Being alone so much, i've actually had a lot of random people just come up to me and start talking to me. It's weird. At some point i've been semi-close with so many people. I've drifted into so many groups of friends. I know so many people, and they all know me. Do they see me the way i am and feel bad? I don't know what it is but it feels almost surreal. I feel like i'm abusing that word though.
It sucks to see her.
It sucks even more to see her with him.
I don't like him. The fact that she does makes me see her a lot differently. He's not a good person. He's a "cool" person, and at one point i actually almost wanted to be friend with just for that, but he isn't a good person. A pirate? What the fuck? He doesn't care about others, he's an asshole, and he doesn't belong to a very nice crowd either.
She spoke to me. It started out like this:
9:03 PM Jazzy: hiShe said she still cared and wanted to help and wanted things to be good for me and just made me sick. I almost cried. Maybe i did cry. I don't remember. I don't think i've cried since Thailand. I don't know what to do. I still feel like she's the only person i can talk to, but i can't talk to her. I still haven't been able to get myself to change the background of my phone from our picture.
me: hi
Jazzy: how are you?
9:04 PM me: at this very moment, in general, or were you just asking for the sake of asking?
9:05 PM Jazzy: umm.. i dont know. in general/right now. i was just wondering how you are, in the broad sense of the expression.
9:06 PM me: at this very moment i am having heart palpitations, my legs are going numb, and my arms are going to shake right off. in general i don't really have any way of describing how i am. in my room most of the time
She made everything that i loved, worth loving. I don't know if i can really be happy without her. It sure feels like that. She's the only person who could get in the way of what i knew i needed to do because it is the right thing to do. So maybe what i have to do is just go on because i have to, even if i can't be happy.
I really wish i could explain that better.
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