I felt different for a little bit today. I'm not sure what it was. Probably nothing.
You know it's so inconvenient to have such a strong reaction to the mere thought of someone. It's worse that all of my friends are friends with her, if not better friends with her. I don't know anymore. Either way, i've done the best i can to train myself not to think of her when i'm with a friend of mine, but it's still a challenge for me. It's like her essence rubs off on people. I can't be with my friends when she's there. I always have to remove myself anytime she's there. It sucks, but i do know that i can't directly blame her for this fact.
I envy Eli. I'm jealous of what he can do with his guitar. I'm jealous of how much people like him. He reminds me of the things i wish i could do. He reminds me that i have too much self-doubt to do anything or to be anyone. I wish i was good at something besides wasting time on the computer. I wish i spoke Japanese, and was a cunning linguist; i wish i was a child prodigy, a musician, a great singer, and speaker, an sharp intellectual, a swift martial artist, a comedian, a socialite, an avid reader, and writer, and someone with close friends, people who love him. I'm stuck between wanting to be so many different people, not knowing who i can be, and unsatisfied with who i am.
You know it's so inconvenient to have such a strong reaction to the mere thought of someone. It's worse that all of my friends are friends with her, if not better friends with her. I don't know anymore. Either way, i've done the best i can to train myself not to think of her when i'm with a friend of mine, but it's still a challenge for me. It's like her essence rubs off on people. I can't be with my friends when she's there. I always have to remove myself anytime she's there. It sucks, but i do know that i can't directly blame her for this fact.
I envy Eli. I'm jealous of what he can do with his guitar. I'm jealous of how much people like him. He reminds me of the things i wish i could do. He reminds me that i have too much self-doubt to do anything or to be anyone. I wish i was good at something besides wasting time on the computer. I wish i spoke Japanese, and was a cunning linguist; i wish i was a child prodigy, a musician, a great singer, and speaker, an sharp intellectual, a swift martial artist, a comedian, a socialite, an avid reader, and writer, and someone with close friends, people who love him. I'm stuck between wanting to be so many different people, not knowing who i can be, and unsatisfied with who i am.
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