No. 49

So going out with she who we do not name was tough. I was always making excuses and rationalizing parts of the relationship i wasn't satisfied with. One of these things, was our first kiss. It was the greatest moment of my life. My first kiss was with her...but her first kiss was not with me. It might have been with Josh or Sam depending on how you look at it. Anyways, i had this idea built up in my mind that i would be able to live with that as long as we would lose our virginities to each other in the end. It's hard to get something like that out of your skull even though it's unlike me to just want to fuck someone. Sometimes i think that it would satisfy that messed up "comfort conception" i have or something like that but just thinking about her makes me sick. The trouble is, i can't think about anything within the area of sex without thinking of her. As you could imagine, thinking about anyone else is...uncomfortable. I don't think that' what keeps me from having feelings for anyone else though. I just genuinely don't feel anything for anyone but her. What i feel for her, i have not idea how to describe, but there's nothing that i feel for anyone else.

Well, i just made some progress. I had been thinking about jazzy for two minutes before beginning to write this post which was already a record, as sad as that might be, but now it has been twenty minutes and i haven't felt anything. It might just be because of how tired i am and how numb i've become. Wait, now i think it's coming...