In Thailand, i traveled with Katie, a shining member of our travel group. She was always up for trying everything and i have to say, she was one of the strongest people in our group. During the trip she talked about her best friend from home, Adam. She told us stories of him and really showed us how much of a brother he was like to her. Adam died in a head-on collision back at home. When Katie found out, she could have gone home, but she decided to stay with us until the end of our trip. As a group, finding out was earth-shattering. Most everyone was crying and offering their support to Katie. Not me.
I couldn't. As i listened to her explain what had happened, as she told us about the friend, the brother, she had lost, i couldn't even look at her. I fell apart. I was non-functional for two hours. My mind raced. I was thinking about how Chloe Checkoway died in 6th grade, just as i started to have a crush on her. I thought of my friends. I thought of myself. I thought of Jazzy....Jazzy.... I thought of the feelings i had, how i want to die, and i realized that i could never let that part of me take over. This one life was so special, even just to this one person, and everyone around Katie was affected, and i couldn't possibly imagine what this was like for her, and i knew that i wasn't of that kind of value to anyone, but i still had to ensure that i could never take my own life for any reason.
The hardest thing about suicide, is that not being able to go through with it feels like a defeat. Wanting to die to end the pain, wanting to die to make someone notice you, wanting to die to show them how they hurt you, feels like you have to go through with it for them to understand, for anyone to understand. Suicidal ideation is constantly being at battle with oneself. Nothing feels worth it but this. You develop a one-tack mind. You want to be able to tell someone. You can't. I can't.
I couldn't. As i listened to her explain what had happened, as she told us about the friend, the brother, she had lost, i couldn't even look at her. I fell apart. I was non-functional for two hours. My mind raced. I was thinking about how Chloe Checkoway died in 6th grade, just as i started to have a crush on her. I thought of my friends. I thought of myself. I thought of Jazzy....Jazzy.... I thought of the feelings i had, how i want to die, and i realized that i could never let that part of me take over. This one life was so special, even just to this one person, and everyone around Katie was affected, and i couldn't possibly imagine what this was like for her, and i knew that i wasn't of that kind of value to anyone, but i still had to ensure that i could never take my own life for any reason.
The hardest thing about suicide, is that not being able to go through with it feels like a defeat. Wanting to die to end the pain, wanting to die to make someone notice you, wanting to die to show them how they hurt you, feels like you have to go through with it for them to understand, for anyone to understand. Suicidal ideation is constantly being at battle with oneself. Nothing feels worth it but this. You develop a one-tack mind. You want to be able to tell someone. You can't. I can't.
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