No. 57

So winter vacation has come and gone. On the day of school before vacation i wasn't even really excited. When school was over, i wasn't especially relieved. I spent most of vacation by myself. I did decide that i would go out for New Years Eve. I didn't really want to but i at the same tie i felt i should and i thought i'd be able to handle it. I couldn't get her out of my head the whole night. Lots of memories came back to me. The same hotel as the year previous. The ice skating rink that i went to with her and her sister. I even ran into Lyuda from the environmental club last year and she asked if i was still with Jazzy. 30 seconds before midnight i lost Eli and just stood away from the Berman crowd. After the countdown the Berman crowd left and i couldn't find Eli so i just tried to get back to the hotel but i got lost. I tried calling my parents for help but i just ended up getting a taxi.

Keeping her out of my life and out of my head continues to be a challenge...and it still hasn't gotten me anywhere. I decided to isolate myself because of the panic attacks i'd get but at least back then i felt something.