I'm feeling pretty sulky. When my dad talked to me about spending time with my siblings and being a part of the family he was also trying to get me to go to the cape with them. When my mom first told me about plans to go to the Cape she said i didn't have to go. Last time i went i didn't have fun. I also wanted to stay home this time because Robin had been away almost all summer and i wanted to be home when she got back. I ended up going (a day late) though, and she wasn't coming back while i was there anyways. The Cape was pretty lame and my parents didn't like that i was just there because they guilted me into coming but next time i think i'll go for the whole trip and do my best to enjoy it.
Anyways, i sorta felt like i called Robin too much while she was away trying to see if she could come to the Cape with me, when she would be back, and if she would hang out with me and see Walle when she was. Well we hung out and took out a third of my dreads which took 4 hours with the two of us working. The next day, she said she'd only help if i'd pay her. I thought that was ridiculous so i said forget it. I haven't made any progress since. I started feeling like she was annoyed with me or was somehow sick of me after that. Walle is supposed to be the first genuinely good movie out in a long time so i really wanted to see it with her. I kept trying to make plans with her but she was always busy.
I guess i'm just needy. I get along with Robin better than anyone else, but (it seems like) she flakes whenever there's any sort of tension. At some point when i asked again about Walle, she said Jolie wanted to see it with her too so we could never make plans because Jolie was never free. She told me she was finally free on Thursday so we'd see it then but she somehow fucked up her plans and imagined we had planned on seeing it Saturday which didn't end up working anyways becuase she also had other movie plans. that day which she'd forgotten about. She said i could come if it ended up being at her house (which it did). I don't have a lot of friends like she does and before she went on vacation i felt like i had just gotten really close to her. Now i felt like i was just another person or even less important than her other friends.
I didn't want to be hanging out with her once a week. I did get to see her on Friday. I took her out to the Cheesecake factory and then we came back and she ended up staying the night along with Phoebe and Lisa. We looked at porn on various chan sites and watched two episodes of some pathetically bad anime porn. We also played strip poker and i lost miserably. Nothing was visible though because we all sat at a table and nobody looked under it.
The next day things got bad again. I got into an argument with Robin online about Walle. I was feeling a lot of things at that point. It was like this one movie that actually mattered to me was deciding whether or not my fears were true. It sounds crazy when i verbalize it but it isn't really. When i heard that Walle was a really good movie, i remembered Robin saying she wanted to go to the movies and she hadn't in a long time. The same was true for me. I wanted to see this with her. Enough so that i asked way ahead of time while i was still on the Cape (even though i decided i wanted to see it with her before i went). Maybe this is all a little bit silly. I just thought that it didn't matter that she was busy with other people if she would just see Walle with me. Casual plans don't really matter, but this sorta did. That was the difference. And it made a difference. To me. But not to her, and i guess that was crazy, to think it would.
Well she just got very agitated and didn't really see how i felt. I don't think i could expect her to. Finally she said she'd ask Jo one more time and if she couldn't set a time then she'd see it with me alone. Sure, i guess that's what i wanted, but it wasn't satisfying to have to put up a fight. She never saw how i felt. Then i went to the movie thing at her house and told me Jolie emailed her saying to just go with me and that she was sorry and to please not be mad. Then i felt sorta bad.
After all of this i'm feeling alone. And that's on top of everything else. I feel overall hopeless. I still think about suicide too. I wanted to tell someone. I wanted to tell Robin, but i felt like that would be a bad idea. It would just make me sound really clingy. She would tell me to get on meds or see a therapist. While i was talking to Robin i just set my status to "Who can i tell? Fuck. Tell me if i can tell you" and the only person who asked was Brittany, and i wasn't already talking to her. Then i changed it to (and i'm not sure if this is exact), "Of all the people, haha. Yet i still fail to be surprised by any of you."
People never surprise me. Maybe my perception of them is quickly and easily changed by what they do that would otherwise surprise me.
After that second status went up, Dan H asked about the previous one. So i told him. I don't actually want to die, i just can't deal with myself, and i can't deal with other people, and i always just jump to the first escape in my mind. I've gotten better, but i'm not getting better, and i haven't healed if i still feel this way sometimes. I just lose sight of why life is worth living sometimes. My family would say it's because i'm self-centered, irresponsible, and unappreciative. Maybe it is. I've gotten to a point where i'm better but i only get like this every once in a while, like a bruise that hurts just when you touch it. Every year though, i seem to go through the same really severe depression usually in the winter, and then i get better in the summer. I think it corresponds with two things: Jazzy and school. Am i mentally ill for having these thoughts at all, or do i just need to manage my life? Is there something broken that needs to be fixed, or do i just need to take control? Is it my fault for not being able to handle the things that contribute to my depression (sleep, exercise, etc.), or am i fighting a battle i can't win on my own?
I'm feeling alone. I'm feeling like i don't fit in. I'm feeling like i can't get along with others. I'm feeling hopeless. I'm feeling like i don't have a future. I'm feeling stupid. I'm feeling like-- get ready for the cliche-- my existence is meaningless. I mean i know that isn't true. I mean yeah, i depend on the world, but the world will go on without me, but that is true for anyone. I know i still make a difference, even if its small. Besides, i live for me, right? I guess its just that activism is a big part of my world and it feels so hopeless most of the time.
Robin went to the Cape yesterday with some friends to go see Ani DiFranco. I was hoping to finally see Walle with her this week. I just talked to her this morning (afternoon is still morning for me). She's busy every day through Thrusday and at that point i just said nevermind. She said she's not actually this busy but she's just trying to leave space for art that she needs to do. I doubt that's the whole truth. She can't be seeing her other friends as infrequently as me, can she? Well, i just asked her if i could see Walle without her. She said yeah. Then she asked "even after all your yelling and screaming!" and i told her i miseed her so much it hurt (Scrubs reference there), but that i gave up now. So then she invited me to mini-golf on Thursday.
It's now close to 8pm and i'm still in my room. I haven't left to eat or anything. Should i talk to her? What would i say?
I also hope to set up a P2P internet radio station this summer. I need to make a notebook of these goals. What if i reread this entire blog?
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