No. 117

How can people who have never known what it means to be whole ever comprehend the emptiness of their existence? 

No. 116

The passing shadows of aeroplanes

No. 115

Tomorrow is calling, dear. Can't wait to see you. 

No. 114

Puddles left behind in the bathtub, dry up, through the day

No. 113

You're not done yet. Go look out over the world. Let me know when you begin to smile. 

No. 112

disappearing from everyone i care about, freezing half to death on the roof of a building, biking in wet shoes until my fingers stung and toes lost *all* feeling, walking over a frozen pond, snuggling at the top of a snow-covered hill overlooking boston, i-hate-myself-even-more-now sex in the car, sleeping in the freezing cold on a bench in the park, and two run-ins with the cops.

Fun? Maybe a little. Horrible? I want to get that night off me.
Still, i just don't want to be back.

No. 111

It's never too late to do what is right, and there's never a better time than now.

No. 110

Find common ground.

No. 109

Every (in)decision matters.

No. 108

A system should conform to those subject to it, not contrariwise. A government should conform to its people, a school to its students, a prison to its prisoners. Otherwise, the system is just a mold producing molds. 

No. 107

Sometimes i don't know if i'm sane now and used to be crazy or if i used to be sane and am crazy now but i guess i'd be insane to think i knew.

No. 106

I'm lying through my teeth, when i laugh, when i smile, at you.

I strive for your approval. I fear your judgment.

I listen to the music, but all i hear is noise.

No. 105

I stepped back and took a look at the big picture before i stepped forward to light the bottom corner aflame and assemble my paints and brushes.

No. 104

There are not good and evil people. There are people who do wrong, and people who do worse. Everyone has the same capacity to do good or evil. We are all human.

No. 103

I want to save someone who will thank me by returning the favor.

No. 102

So i haven't posted in a while. Not sure what to say. A lot has happened and not a lot has happened. I wish i kept up with this better. My conversation logs are a better record of my life. I'm not sure how to keep up with this.

Anyways, i went to Canandaigua, New York with Robin and the Hayashis. It was fun. I have a piece of paper from the trip with some notes:

• Sadness is not a part of me, just a state of being. 
• I guess i've always felt attached to being depressed.
• Brittany was sexually assaulted when she was twelve. 
• I had just found that out before the trip and i guess i wanted to write about it. I have no idea what i should do about posting information about others on this blog. Nobody reads it, so it's okay, right? Sort of like posting it on a sign in the middle of some woods that nobody ever goes through.
• I owe Robin a lot for my current state of happiness. 
• Yeah, i felt happy. You can still see some really sad undertones there though. 
• She's everything i want to be. 
• She's together and all that. I'm not. Still, i guess i wouldn't give up who i am. 
• I will be your ugly friend
• to make you more beautiful

It seems like when i have stuff to write about, i put off writing it. Hm

No. 101

Hooray more poetry!

Now i'm going to post all my poems under the Fictionpress that were all about Jazzy i think. http://www.fictionpress.com/u/401730/Silent_Heartbeat

And here's my profile:

Silent Heartbeat
since: 03-10-04, id: 401730

Author has written 7 stories for Love, and Song.

My really goodfriend robin is a really great poet and one of my rly good friends. sheez 13 and her work is under pen name, Sat Hari, UserID: 445712.
My other good friend Jazzy is also a really greatr poet, her work is under pen name, and if they get me, UserID: 445868.
The poems on here are all love if u wanna see other satuff thats mine, my profie,email adress, and the poemz that r'nthere are under the pen name s0ulFlame, User ID: 401695

This first poem was a Valentines Day poem i write for Jazzy. One review by Robin.

Sat Hari (2005-01-18): "Sorta creepy in that I know who you're talking about...Buts its good. Too good...Are you a robot? Just kidding. It actually is really good though..."

Modified: Fri 27 Feb 2004 05:27:04 PM EST
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1547865/1/Valentines_poem (03-10-04)
But the local copy i have is just a couple pages filled with spaces so i'm not sure what's up with that.

You've shown me more than friendship,
Even something more than life,
You've taught me to believe,
In what I have for you.
Each day I sit in wonder,
In what it really is.
Some may call it love,
And I know it to be true.
You're frozen in my mind,
My head flooded,
By thoughts of you.
My life is a planet,
revolving around a star.
You're the brightest one I can see,
Blinding me with your glare,
And as I stare,
I feel that feeling there.
You're all that really matters,
I would give it all away,
And give my life for you.
If you ever came to love me back,
I'd let you rip my heart from my chest,
And tell you I was dying happy.
When I look to the heavens,
You're the only thing visible to me.
When I close my eyes,
You're there.
This feeling that I get,
I've only gotten from you,
It's always there,
And so are you,
In always at least one way or two.
You're why I go on each day,
Making my life seem a little less gray.
I am questioned why I feel it,
But I can't control it,
So how can I answer?
You could throw this paper away,
As long as you get a small idea,
Of what I feel.
And even if you do recognize this,
You still only know a drop,
From the ocean of this emotion.
There are no words to describe it.
I believe that I do,
I love you.
And I hope that maybe it could prove true,
And last forever,
Between me and you.

No. 100

So i just got out of the shower after cleaning my room. It's nice and spacious now. Last night i had a school dream. It was like Bigelow meets NNHS and i think Mr. Benson from John Ward Elementary School was there. There was this homework room and i was there with a few people, it was like a basement and there was this little creature. It was just a little ball but it kept chasing me and i kept hitting it with a wooden board. I was afraid because it had this disease called SEIRS or something. It could've been SIRS or SEIS or something. Wikipedia has an entry for SIRS though: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SIRS

Anyways, i didn't want to get it, but it bit someone else, and they started following me too. That's all i remember before my dad called my name and woke me up to watch the kids while he went out.

I'm going to New York tomorrow with Robin tomorrow and coming back on Monday so i'll be missing out on Cape Cod with my family from Saturday to Tuesday. Too bad i told Carlie and Eleanor that i'd be back. I hope they're not too mad. I also have to miss out on seeing the Nanny again before she goes back to China.

No. 99

If i should pour your wine to quickly? If you should pout mine to slow?

So the last dream i remember was a few nights ago and it was some post-apocalyptic shit. I remember some Inuyasha type fighting against some big monster in the dessert but i'm not at all sure whether or not that was the same dream. I haven't had any really memorable dreams since then.

Man, when Robin got back for a little while i was actually getting jealous just thinking about if she had talked to other people before me when she had the chance to before she got back. I realized how ridiculous i was being though. I think i'm getting better at keeping myself in check.

No. 98

On the Cape now. Stayed up a little late (like 3am i think), and slept for like 12 hours. I had some weird dreams. I remember getting a random IM from Brittany that just said "i like you" but i don't remember anything else there. My other dream was this really weird sci-fi Terminator 3 like thing where a bunch of close friends and family were being held in these gigantic pods by the Catholic Church and they sent this Terminator 3 lady after me and i did a lot of parkour shit to run away. Then there was like this big truck that i needed to get and then drive to the place where they were being held to break down the doors or some shit. Isn't it bad to always be dreaming? I used to rarely remember my dreams. I'm supposed to take the kids for a walk so i've gotta go.