No. 107

Sometimes i don't know if i'm sane now and used to be crazy or if i used to be sane and am crazy now but i guess i'd be insane to think i knew.

No. 106

I'm lying through my teeth, when i laugh, when i smile, at you.

I strive for your approval. I fear your judgment.

I listen to the music, but all i hear is noise.

No. 105

I stepped back and took a look at the big picture before i stepped forward to light the bottom corner aflame and assemble my paints and brushes.

No. 104

There are not good and evil people. There are people who do wrong, and people who do worse. Everyone has the same capacity to do good or evil. We are all human.

No. 103

I want to save someone who will thank me by returning the favor.

No. 102

So i haven't posted in a while. Not sure what to say. A lot has happened and not a lot has happened. I wish i kept up with this better. My conversation logs are a better record of my life. I'm not sure how to keep up with this.

Anyways, i went to Canandaigua, New York with Robin and the Hayashis. It was fun. I have a piece of paper from the trip with some notes:

• Sadness is not a part of me, just a state of being. 
• I guess i've always felt attached to being depressed.
• Brittany was sexually assaulted when she was twelve. 
• I had just found that out before the trip and i guess i wanted to write about it. I have no idea what i should do about posting information about others on this blog. Nobody reads it, so it's okay, right? Sort of like posting it on a sign in the middle of some woods that nobody ever goes through.
• I owe Robin a lot for my current state of happiness. 
• Yeah, i felt happy. You can still see some really sad undertones there though. 
• She's everything i want to be. 
• She's together and all that. I'm not. Still, i guess i wouldn't give up who i am. 
• I will be your ugly friend
• to make you more beautiful

It seems like when i have stuff to write about, i put off writing it. Hm

No. 101

Hooray more poetry!

Now i'm going to post all my poems under the Fictionpress that were all about Jazzy i think. http://www.fictionpress.com/u/401730/Silent_Heartbeat

And here's my profile:

Silent Heartbeat
since: 03-10-04, id: 401730

Author has written 7 stories for Love, and Song.

My really goodfriend robin is a really great poet and one of my rly good friends. sheez 13 and her work is under pen name, Sat Hari, UserID: 445712.
My other good friend Jazzy is also a really greatr poet, her work is under pen name, and if they get me, UserID: 445868.
The poems on here are all love if u wanna see other satuff thats mine, my profie,email adress, and the poemz that r'nthere are under the pen name s0ulFlame, User ID: 401695

This first poem was a Valentines Day poem i write for Jazzy. One review by Robin.

Sat Hari (2005-01-18): "Sorta creepy in that I know who you're talking about...Buts its good. Too good...Are you a robot? Just kidding. It actually is really good though..."

Modified: Fri 27 Feb 2004 05:27:04 PM EST
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1547865/1/Valentines_poem (03-10-04)
But the local copy i have is just a couple pages filled with spaces so i'm not sure what's up with that.

You've shown me more than friendship,
Even something more than life,
You've taught me to believe,
In what I have for you.
Each day I sit in wonder,
In what it really is.
Some may call it love,
And I know it to be true.
You're frozen in my mind,
My head flooded,
By thoughts of you.
My life is a planet,
revolving around a star.
You're the brightest one I can see,
Blinding me with your glare,
And as I stare,
I feel that feeling there.
You're all that really matters,
I would give it all away,
And give my life for you.
If you ever came to love me back,
I'd let you rip my heart from my chest,
And tell you I was dying happy.
When I look to the heavens,
You're the only thing visible to me.
When I close my eyes,
You're there.
This feeling that I get,
I've only gotten from you,
It's always there,
And so are you,
In always at least one way or two.
You're why I go on each day,
Making my life seem a little less gray.
I am questioned why I feel it,
But I can't control it,
So how can I answer?
You could throw this paper away,
As long as you get a small idea,
Of what I feel.
And even if you do recognize this,
You still only know a drop,
From the ocean of this emotion.
There are no words to describe it.
I believe that I do,
I love you.
And I hope that maybe it could prove true,
And last forever,
Between me and you.