It's the look you get from someone whispering in someone else's ear.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
No. 46
In Thailand, i traveled with Katie, a shining member of our travel group. She was always up for trying everything and i have to say, she was one of the strongest people in our group. During the trip she talked about her best friend from home, Adam. She told us stories of him and really showed us how much of a brother he was like to her. Adam died in a head-on collision back at home. When Katie found out, she could have gone home, but she decided to stay with us until the end of our trip. As a group, finding out was earth-shattering. Most everyone was crying and offering their support to Katie. Not me.
I couldn't. As i listened to her explain what had happened, as she told us about the friend, the brother, she had lost, i couldn't even look at her. I fell apart. I was non-functional for two hours. My mind raced. I was thinking about how Chloe Checkoway died in 6th grade, just as i started to have a crush on her. I thought of my friends. I thought of myself. I thought of Jazzy....Jazzy.... I thought of the feelings i had, how i want to die, and i realized that i could never let that part of me take over. This one life was so special, even just to this one person, and everyone around Katie was affected, and i couldn't possibly imagine what this was like for her, and i knew that i wasn't of that kind of value to anyone, but i still had to ensure that i could never take my own life for any reason.
The hardest thing about suicide, is that not being able to go through with it feels like a defeat. Wanting to die to end the pain, wanting to die to make someone notice you, wanting to die to show them how they hurt you, feels like you have to go through with it for them to understand, for anyone to understand. Suicidal ideation is constantly being at battle with oneself. Nothing feels worth it but this. You develop a one-tack mind. You want to be able to tell someone. You can't. I can't.
I couldn't. As i listened to her explain what had happened, as she told us about the friend, the brother, she had lost, i couldn't even look at her. I fell apart. I was non-functional for two hours. My mind raced. I was thinking about how Chloe Checkoway died in 6th grade, just as i started to have a crush on her. I thought of my friends. I thought of myself. I thought of Jazzy....Jazzy.... I thought of the feelings i had, how i want to die, and i realized that i could never let that part of me take over. This one life was so special, even just to this one person, and everyone around Katie was affected, and i couldn't possibly imagine what this was like for her, and i knew that i wasn't of that kind of value to anyone, but i still had to ensure that i could never take my own life for any reason.
The hardest thing about suicide, is that not being able to go through with it feels like a defeat. Wanting to die to end the pain, wanting to die to make someone notice you, wanting to die to show them how they hurt you, feels like you have to go through with it for them to understand, for anyone to understand. Suicidal ideation is constantly being at battle with oneself. Nothing feels worth it but this. You develop a one-tack mind. You want to be able to tell someone. You can't. I can't.
No. 45
I don't feel close with anyone anymore. I don't feel important to anyone. I don't even feel like i'm really tight with Eli.
I don't feel like there's a point anymore. I don't feel like i have any purpose. I don't even feel alive.
What keeps me going? My family, my friends, and my sense of contribution to the world.
Still, i can't help but feel like nothing is worth it anymore. I still can't bring myself to say it frankly, but it's becoming increasingly apparent that Jazzy and i are broken far beyond repair and have been incompatible for some time. I can't let go. She's the only one who can turn me on. She brings out the worst in me. I can't be whole so long at this continues to simmer within me. Every time i see her it's an instant minor panic attack. Every time i think of her i fall silent, become weak, lose feeling in my fingers and toes. My heart races and my lungs feel like jelly. I feel sick. Everything reminds me of her. People, sounds, memories, everything. How will i ever get it together?
I don't feel like there's a point anymore. I don't feel like i have any purpose. I don't even feel alive.
What keeps me going? My family, my friends, and my sense of contribution to the world.
Still, i can't help but feel like nothing is worth it anymore. I still can't bring myself to say it frankly, but it's becoming increasingly apparent that Jazzy and i are broken far beyond repair and have been incompatible for some time. I can't let go. She's the only one who can turn me on. She brings out the worst in me. I can't be whole so long at this continues to simmer within me. Every time i see her it's an instant minor panic attack. Every time i think of her i fall silent, become weak, lose feeling in my fingers and toes. My heart races and my lungs feel like jelly. I feel sick. Everything reminds me of her. People, sounds, memories, everything. How will i ever get it together?
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
No. 44
So he listened intently and with all his heart as it was all he knew how to do anymore. Watching silently, he forgot everything.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
No. 42
I have a lot of old inactive blogs. I just closed down "Graphite, Ink, Keyboard." from http://graphiteinkkeyboard.blogspot.com/ which i planned to use to post up really old (and really bad) poems from middle school but never put to use. I am also closing down "Assistance to Existance" (for those who put up Resistance to Existance heehee...) from http://assisttoexist.blogspot.com/ and i'm moving all those old posts to here. Enjoy my silly thought from back then :)
P.S. The links wont work because the blogs are gone.
P.S. The links wont work because the blogs are gone.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Feeling stupid
This post is probably going to sound really stupid. I was just looking through all of the blogs that I have created and never really posted to. I found this one in the process and apparently I did make a few posts to this one. They're all really dumb though. I'm such a lousy writer. I have nothing worth saying. Well...maybe I'll start using this more frequently. I'd like to blog. It'd probably be good for me. Well, whatever-- I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Relationships
"The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you."
As depressing as that may sound, its true. If you take it as a slap in the face at least it should wake you up. Anybody can be friends with anybody if you do the right thing.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Revelations
Common sense never really was quite common and now is less common than ever and special education is no longer that special anymore.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Do you believe in magic?
We all know about the "special feelings" people get in life. The feeling the music in a movie simulates. Like the feeling that tells you, this is it, this is the one. But its not there, these feelings dont really exist. They are simply the realization of what something could be. Realizing that you could be happy with this peron for the rest of your life, realizing that the topic of writing is something much deeper than you expected, realizing what creating you could put into this peice of art, realizing that this moment captured could mean something to people all around the world. You wont get a special feeling every time you think you're in love, or every time you have something to write about, or something to draw, or capture in a photograph. There's no special feeling thats going to hand you the perfect moment untingeable by pain. Pain is part of life and brings out whats great, and you can't life a good life without pain. These special feelings wont tell you to get up and do something, so stop waiting for them. Get off of your own ass and breath in deep, look around and realize what you can bring out in this world. Start caring about things you'd just normally ignore. Take a walk through the world and get that special feeling every step of the way.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Originality
People learn from copying and imitation, but when it comes to the point of plagerism of ones personality and the mochary of their individuality from anothers simple minded foolishness is when it becomes the commonly known annoyance.
Fortune Cookie
Out at a dinner with my family after finishing the best meal I had had in weeks, my younger brother handed out fortune cookies. At first glance I noted one slightly golden cookie in the center of the plate and ignored it, grabbing for one of the more normal cookies. I rethought my decision, taking notice of a feeling that there was something different about that cookie, well aware that the golden-brown tint was most likely from being overcooked. I dropped my normal cookie back on the plate and reached for my golden cookie to have my brother shouting, "they're all the same!" over and over, somehow seemingly amusing himself. I held the cookie in front of me and observed its color for a few more seconds before unwrapping it and taking a few accidental glances on the fortune inside. Yes, they were really accidental. I tried not to peek as I broke the cookie almost perfectly in half being sure to hide the suprise fortune from myself until after I had finished consuming the cookie. I do not love fortune cookes but the taste isnt one that would drive you away. I don't especially enjoy the crunchiness but I could imagine much distaste I would have towards the little cookie if it were soft and mushy. I read the back of the slip of paper first which had the normal learn chinese piece that had the english word, the pinyin (mandarin pronounciation), and the chinese characters for the word. My word was April, pronounced Si-yue. I could recognize both but only identify the first of the two charachters to make up this word, the first charachter was four and the second I was not sure of, for I havent been using any chinese in years, but I think it may have been the character for moon. So after finalizing my brief observation of that side of the slip of paper i flipped it around to passively notice the normal four recatangles at each of the corners. I then began to read the fortune: "Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide. " And that my friends, I could not agree with more.
No. 41
I've been wanting to keep posting here, but the thing is, once i miss some stuff it's hard for me to get myself to catch up on it. It's always impossible for me to keep up with journals and those kinds of things. I always feel the need to record every finest detail. Maybe it's because i see this as more of a log than a journal. I want to be able to remember things, every little thing. Maybe that's why my writing style isn't so nice on here. I think i'll just start saying whatever i feel like saying.
bloot.
Anyways, it's now almost four months since my last post. A lot has happened. Right now, in some ways i am a lot better, in a lot of ways i still don't feel any relief. I found out my parents had read my blog. I found out Jazzy's counsellor (and possibly her parent) has also read it. I had the worst panic attack(s) of my life. I came the closest i've ever come to killing myself-- twice. I made it through the end of the school year. I got miserable grades. I have realized a lot. I made it to Thailand. I fell in love with Thailand. I feel detached and distant. I feel lonely.
So here i am, writing again. Jazzy is still with Kyle and i'm still the same. I sent Jazzy a long email right before i went to Thailand (actually, i sent the second half while i was in Thailand) and she never replied.
Here is the first half of the email--
"
from Danny Piccirillo Jun 24
to Jazzy Cindy
date Jun 24, 2007 10:56 PM
subject Re: Smile :)
mailed-by gmail.com
1. I'm sorry i'm saying this over email.
2. I'm sorry.
3. I'm sorry i couldn't put your happiness in front of everything.
4. I'm sorry i couldn't be altruistic.
5. I'm sorry i haven't been myself.
6. I take back what i said about your braces. Your teeth do look nice.
7. You were right: I didn't trust you.
8. Do i trust you now? I don't know. Probably not.
9. Do you really think you have shown your trustworthiness?
10. Check the outside pocket of your checkered bag.
11. There's something i need to ask you in person.
12. I only act like everything is good.
13. I am not willing to let you go.
14. Things are good for you right now and it kills me to see you with somebody else.
15. Kyle is not the right one for you.
16. Yet again you are immersing yourself into a new group.
17. It sickened me when you [reassured] Atenia that she was the most important person in your life.
18. She's not the first person to express that you've been gone lately.
19. It seemed like you were treating her like a child.
20. I do not mean to sound like i am closer with her than you are.
21. It kills me that i am not important to you.
22. You told me i was in that top three most important people: Atenia, Robin, i.
23. According to Facebook your top three are: Atenia, Robin, Kyle.
24. I don't even appear in the top 12.
25. You know everything about me.
26. I'm sorry for being honest.
27. I only went further than kissing you because i truely though we would never go further with anybody else.
28. You are still the world to me.
29. Is nothing sacred?
30. Through all of this, you are still the only one i have any feeling for.
31. Do you realize that i haven't really liked anybody other than you for over two years?
32. Lily was just someone new that i hadn't given myself the chance of not liking her yet.
33. The same goes for Beth.
34. What is it that you have owned up to?
35. What has been resolved?
36. Yes, i am mad.
37. Yes, i was disgusted that you got involved with Gaby.
38. Yes, i do hate you with Kyle. You can't even say his name around me.
39. You spend time with him all the time.
40. You go out of your way to be with him.
41. You show him more that you showed me.
42. I cannot live like this, but how could i accept you again?
43. Things will not be okay like this.
44. alf of the time, i think you are completely wrong.
45. You are a the biggest flirt.
46. You are cold.
47. You know how to be a real bitch.
48. You left me completely out of the loop.
49. There is no fucking "social regularity" for us.
50. I hope to god you don't honestly think you can justify any choice you have made in this relationship with any goddamn "social regularity"
51. I have something for you.
52. Why should i see you before i leave for Thailand?
53. I want to. I do.
54. You have no idea how hard it is to feel alone like i do.
55. If you do then i do not know how you can leave me like this.
56. ow hard it is to constantly be thinking of you.
57. You never consider what this does to me.
58. I have to try incredibly hard not to call you all of the time still.
59. Your mom told me that i needed to move on until we could mend our relationship.
60. I clam up around you.
61. I can't speak sround you.
62. I can't act around you.
63. I get nervous around you and my heart beats faster.
64. You do this.
65. Why do you insist on putting up so much resistance to everyone?"
And here is part two--
"
from Danny Piccirillo Jul 2
to Jazzy Cindy
date Jul 2, 2007 1:51 AM
subject Re: Smile :)
mailed-by gmail.com
Are you truly happy with yourself?
Will you make amends before it's too late?
The other half of the time i understand.
You just don't like me right now.
I still think you owe me something.
You've disappointed me even as a friend.
There will be nobody to cry for me when i leave but me.
I wake up.
I mope around.
I might try to see someone(s) to make things seem okay.
I cry.
I sleep.
Talk to me.
I miss you.
How can you have any hope of things working out?
I know i can't promise you anything.
But i do, still hope, even after all the times we've tried and failed.
I need you back.
I'm not asking for you to be mine again and everything be perfect
I only ask that you give use some opportunity
This isn't just about me
I worry about you and what will become of you too.
We can work.
It will always be worth it to me.
I don't want to lose the promises you made me
I will not let go of you
I wish there was something i could say that would fix everything between us forever
If you asked me if i would do this all over again, yes, i would, absolutely.
I know you probably don't want to hear this
I still love you
I know of at least one person who thinks you're a great match for Kyle-- for your negative qualities. I know that the you that a lot of people are starting to see is not the real you nor is it who you really want to be. The only way i can sum up how i feel in one word is cheated.
The first email was originally 99 lines long. Here's the rest of it in fragments of what i could restore from my memory.
On 6/24/07, Danny Piccirillo <> wrote:
1. I'm sorry i'm saying this over email.
2. I'm sorry.
3. I'm sorry i couldn't put your happiness in front of everything.
4. I'm sorry i couldn't be altruistic.
5. I'm sorry i haven't been myself.
6. I take back what i said about your braces. Your teeth do look nice.
7. You were right: I didn't trust you.
8. Do i trust you now? I don't know. Probably not.
9. Do you really think you have shown your trustworthiness?
10. Check the outside pocket of your checkered bag.
11. There's something i need to ask you in person.
12. I only act like everything is good.
13. I am not willing to let you go.
14. Things are good for you right now and it kills me to see you with somebody else.
15. Kyle is not the right one for you.
16. Yet again you are immersing yourself into a new group.
17. It sickened me when you [reassured] Atenia that she was the most important person in your life.
18. She's not the first person to express that you've been gone lately.
19. It seemed like you were treating her like a child.
20. I do not mean to sound like i am closer with her than you are.
21. It kills me that i am not important to you.
22. You told me i was in that top three most important people: Atenia, Robin, i.
23. According to Facebook your top three are: Atenia, Robin, Kyle.
24. I don't even appear in the top 12.
25. You know everything about me.
26. I'm sorry for being honest.
27. I only went further than kissing you because i truly though we would never go further with anybody else.
28. You are still the world to me.
29. Is nothing sacred?
30. Through all of this, you are still the only one i have any feelings for.
31. Do you realize that i haven't really liked anybody other than you for over two years?
32. Lily was just someone new that i hadn't given myself the chance of not liking her yet.
33. The same goes for Beth.
34. What is it that you have owned up to?
35. What has been resolved?
36. Yes, i am mad.
37. Yes, i was disgusted that you got involved with Gaby.
38. Yes, i do hate you with Kyle. You can't even say his name around me.
39. You spend time with him all the time.
40. You go out of your way to be with him.
41. You show him more that you showed me.
42. I cannot live like this, but how could i accept you again?
43. Things will not be okay like this.
44. Half of the time, i think you are completely wrong.
45. You are a the biggest flirt.
46. You are cold.
47. You know how to be a real bitch.
48. You left me completely out of the loop.
49. There is no fucking "social regularity" for us.
50. I hope to god you don't honestly think you can justify any choice you have made in this relationship with any goddamn "social regularity"
51. I have something for you.
52. Why should i see you before i leave for Thailand?
53. I want to. I do.
54. You have no idea how hard it is to feel alone like i do.
55. If you do then i do not know how you can leave me like this.
56. ow hard it is to constantly be thinking of you.
57. You never consider what this does to me.
58. I have to try incredibly hard not to call you all of the time still.
59. Your mom told me that i needed to move on until we could mend our relationship.
60. I clam up around you.
61. I can't speak around you.
62. I can't act around you.
63. I get nervous around you and my heart beats faster.
64. You do this.
65. Why do you insist on putting up so much resistance to everyone?"
Jazzy isn't who i thought she was. She was never who i thought she was, the person i saw her as, the person i wanted her to be. Each time we do this i have to realize that she isn't the Jasmine i know. If and when she realizes this, which i don't think she will, she will be more hurt than me. I can't change her. I can try. She has to change on her own and by her own will. Jasmine, if the person i know you are ever comes back, let me know. Until then, i can't ever see you the same and our relationship will not be whole.
bloot.
Anyways, it's now almost four months since my last post. A lot has happened. Right now, in some ways i am a lot better, in a lot of ways i still don't feel any relief. I found out my parents had read my blog. I found out Jazzy's counsellor (and possibly her parent) has also read it. I had the worst panic attack(s) of my life. I came the closest i've ever come to killing myself-- twice. I made it through the end of the school year. I got miserable grades. I have realized a lot. I made it to Thailand. I fell in love with Thailand. I feel detached and distant. I feel lonely.
So here i am, writing again. Jazzy is still with Kyle and i'm still the same. I sent Jazzy a long email right before i went to Thailand (actually, i sent the second half while i was in Thailand) and she never replied.
Here is the first half of the email--
"
from Danny Piccirillo
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Inside Danny's Head, there was a pink bunny. A plot bunny, we call them.
Saturday, October 08, 2005 11:49:00 PM