No. 77

Since we're on the topic of poetry, i feel like this is a good time to post the qestion, can something be written with no meaning but given all meaning by the reader? I mean all poetry, meaningful or not, deep or shallow, is just words. I guess you could answer the question simply. Meaningful words are given meaning by the readers, but the chances of something written without meaning to gain meaning from the reader are slim.That wasn't worded very eloquently, i know.

This one is titled, "Without Fear". Modified: Tue 25 May 2004 06:17:58 PM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1549473/1/Without_Fear (03-12-04)

I suspect it was about Jazzy. It has three reviews. The first is by Robin (2004-12-04):

God job! I told you that you were better than me. I don't quite understand...is this about losing somebody along with coping with fear? who are you losing?

This one is by Jazzy (2005-01-17):

your writing is so good! how are you able to fit so much emotion and confusion into words liek that? damn youre talented. btw you need to check the spelling in your poems lol. i think the "Dan't" shuodl be "Can't" lol

This one is by Lizzy  (2005-07-08):

you need to start writing again. like, really.

coz I want to hear more amazing poems.

xoxolizard

All the fear is real,

And all the fear is here,

Trapped inside my soul,

My greatest fear,

Of losing you forever,

Along with all my fear.

Fear keeps us going,

Our fear of the unknown,

The unknown being death,

For which I do not fear.

Only fear for losing it all,

All my fear,

All I want,

All I have,

All is you.

I can’t let go,

Can’t hold on,

To everything I cannot see,

Cannot feel,

Can’t go on,

Cannot know,

What’s to be,

To me,

For me,

In me,

By me,

Be me,

What’s me?

As time goes on,

My mind goes numb.

I cannot see ahead.

I cannot see behind.

I cannot,

With fear,

Nor without.

I cannot. 

 

Why did i start doing this at night? Now i'm going to be up all night and have a bitch of a time waking up for my dentist appointment tomorrow. 

Well, here's another one. Modified: Mon 07 Jun 2004 06:33:16 PM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1549839/1/Stab_My_Mind (03-13-04)

The only review is by Jazzy (2005-01-17): 

ah my head! its really really really really good. i love the last part, but i dont think the "dont let me fall" fits in rigt there. you need something before it. check your spelling also.

 This local copy i think is fixed for spelling and stuff.

Stab My Mind

So many questions.
Possibilities are endless.
Ask over and over for as long as you live.
They drive.
What matters?
Does it really?
Why?
Why?
Why?

What would I do?
Would I still be able to stand without your stable support?
Or does it matter since I’m already falling?
Into the endless darkness,
in the hole in my mind.

Flooded by questions but still prevail.

Mind.
Possibilities.
Truth.

Like daggers in my head,
leaving holes.
Almost nothing left to put a hole in.

My soul fading.
My heart ripped from my chest.
My blood,
cold,
slowly,
flowing,
through my entire lifeless image.

We ask even though we already know.
We don't ask when we don't know.
And anything in between.
Keep asking.
Keep answering.

The real answer to everything is right there.
NOTHING.

How do I feel?
I don't know.
Because I feel that I know.
I understand.
Do you?

It’s so simple.
So why do we go on?
What drives us?
Is it really the questions?
Well we still haven’t stopped asking
so we continue.
And never know.

Yet the answer is right there.
But why?
Why?
Why?

Can I really go on like this?
Can you?
Can we?
Can anyone?

I could go on forever.
Nonsense making sense about not making sense.

Everything that happens will happen,

Has happened,

Is happening,

Was bound to happen,
from a non-existing beginning.

Do what you will.
What will happen will.
We have no control.

We are slaves of a fictional reality dream world.

Is there an end?
What is the beginning?

Never forget.
Never remember.
Never ever.

Ever?
When?

Time.
How does it really work?

Everything
anything
nothing

Pull these blades out of my mindless mind and show me the answers.

If you are.

Fill these holes with the infinite answers to the endless questions.

Don't

Let

Me

Fall.

-Danny Piccirillo

No. 76

Continuing the poetry publishing. Sometimes i get the feeling that all of this (everything i do online, not just posting these silly poems) will be used against me. It doesn't seem right. 


Anyways, enjoy. Modified: Thu 08 Jul 2004 07:23:12 PM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1549396/1/Sleeping_Wonder (03-12-04)


There's one review by someone i don't believe i know, Aedyn Star (2004-11-24):

powerful. it reflect several things i believe in or feel myself. i really enjoyed this.

Sleeping wonder

Shattered hearts and tattered souls,

Awaken your resting mind.

Your sorrows come by fate,

As fate brings change,

And change with time.

What was, was,

And was supposed to be,

There’s no way to control the future.

You can waste your life doing absolutely nothing and prove nothing,

Or live it full and prove the same.

What you will do,

Will be done by you,

You have control on what is bound to happen.

The future is in the hands of all.

Believe and be strong.

Stand up,

And hold on,

Everybody falls,

Getting back up is what matters.

Live the life you were given,

As the gift it truly is.

Go where you can’t go,

See what you can’t see,

Do what you cannot do,

Feel what cannot be felt,

Be what cannot be.

Keep going,

Be yourself,

And be what only you can.

Your life was a gift,

As your presence is a gift to the world.

Life is just.

Balance is everywhere,

Hidden,

Periodically in plain sight.

Look to the sky,

See beyond the stars,

Look the world in the face.

Be free,

Feel what was put to feel.

Nothing happens by accident,

There is a reason for everything,

Don’t leave this world now just to see what is after,

Have patience,

Don’t rush yourself,

Live life full,

And share the same fate,

Destiny,

As all.

Awaken, sleeping wonder

Here's another happy *sarcasm* one. Modified: Thu 08 Jul 2004 07:30:38 PM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1549462/1/Blade (03-12-04)

This has two reviews. The first is by another unknown individual, sunscraped. (2004-03-12): 

Very good, but the question still lingers... Were you depressed when you wrote this?
-LXS

The next is by Jazzy (2005-01-17): 

great poem! i love the way you made it rhyme. its very dark and angsty, its amazing flow made me feel all happy inside! liek when i say the word "wretched" hehee WRETCHED! heh...yah. right. anyway. super good poem! the last line gave me chills

“Blade”

Lay me down,

Ice cold blade.

My reflection soon to fade,

On the side of a crimson blade.

End my pain,

Sharp silver blade.

Lay me down,

To fall asleep,

And never awake.

I’ve waited forever,

But the circle goes on,

An eternal cycle,

Through eternal dawn.

Maybe when the pain is gone,

Maybe rain be cast upon,

Maybe not rain but tears be drawn,

But maybe when it’s all gone,

Then maybe I’ll awaken at a new dawn,

Of another dream of reality.

So lay me down,

And watch me drown,

In my swelling seas of sorrow.

Save me,

My dammed cold blade.

I've still got a lot to go. I think two per post is a good number. Not sure if that's the best for commenting on them but whatever. You non-existant readers can deal.

No. 75

Hooray! More emo, existential, middle school poetry! 

Modified: Fri 11 Jun 2004 12:32:30 AM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1547830/1/Searching (03-10-04)

This one has two reviews. One by Jazzy (2005-01-17): 

"Something from the original abyss" "All balances equal to zero" Xer0 AbysS!

heehee i feel smart... Danny i have decided that it is unhealthy how good you are at writing. no fair! i wanna be amazing too!!

(My AIM screen name was Xer0 AbysS)

And one by Robin (2004-12-04): 

See? I told you that you were better than me, silly goose aicha!

Searching…

All this time I’ve been searching,

For something right under my nose.

The answers are right in front of my face.

That something never comes,

Never goes,

It never is,

Never was,

Never will,

Never lead to something.

Ever goes,

Ever is,

Ever was,

Ever will,

Ever leads to nothing.

Never goes,

Ever faces,

What the rest will.

Searching for nothing,

A nothing of something.

Something from the original abyss.

The nothingness from which all began.

All balances equal to zero.

So there really is nothing.

Something has to come,

Has to give up sometime.

So I go on,

Driven by nothing,

And I keep on looking,

For something,

That’s nothing,

That I don’t even know what it is.

But something keeps me going,

Without a reason.

So help me.

Continue my search,

My journey for me.

All lives to die.

But life fears death.

No way to stop the inevitable.

Something that is bound to happen,

Happen in time.

So stop time and erase all,

And prevent the unpreventable.

All will fade,

To an endless shade,

Of lifeless nothing,

Life defined to a blanket of gray,

Looking for a needle in a pile of hay,

Weighed to lay,

Behind the skies of day,

No way to pay,

No sun shone a single ray,

Like a single cookie on a tray,

A small child looking to play,

Go without delay,

A sheep killed with one last bray.

Fighting a dragon you are unable to slay,

Blinded by the way,

To nobody you pray,

Can’t think of what to say,

And nothing is okay.

Black no white in the zero world.

Searching for something in a huge mass of nothing.

This is the zero world.

Everything is balanced,

Equivalent to nothing.

But there is something.

It’s all there.

Yet equal to nothing.

So search on,

And find the answer that lures us.

Fulfill the question that drives us.

And reward us with the true knowledge,

Self-awareness,

Consciousness,

Pain of knowing.

Let your mind go.

Find

The

Truth

-Daniel Piccirillo

 Here's an especially colorful one. Modified: Wed 26 May 2004 04:59:38 PM EDT

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1549384/1/Crimson_Flow (03-12-04)

This also has two reviews. One if by someone who i don't know, Arayuldawen
(2004-03-12): 

wow, awesome poem. I like the rhyme scheme. It flows very nicely, from line to line, word to word. Good job. Lots of imagery.
~Arayuldawen~

And the other is by a "Lizard" who's profile no longer exists but whom i can only assume is Lizzy. (2005-07-08): 

this is one of the ones you read to me.Lovley way to get me to sleep, eh?it would give me plesant dreams.

but it has a wonderful flow to it.

fyi, if you were anyone else I'd worry about your...sanity. and I really would think you're depressed.

you know, I still do. worry about you, that is.oh whatever.love you! even if I don't always act like it.

“Crimson flow”

Crimson flow
Crimson flow

Drain my blood.
And don’t let go.
Let me dangle by my toes.
Hang me upside down to use me as a mark for bows.
Let the blood drip down below.

Crimson flow
Crimson flow

Down though the ground it shows,
The way on past where winds blow.
Start as a seed soon to grow,
To be a tree as now you know.

Crimson flow
Crimson flow

Blood red eyes with nothing there,
Emptied souls and spirits glow,
The killers hand may not be of a foe,
Just as much as a snail goes slow.

Crimson flow
Crimson flow

Time ticks on,
And the sun sets low.
Shadow roses tied together by a blood-dyed bow.
On your white shirt my blood stains show,
But you can hide the knife,
Without a hello.

Crimson flow
Crimson flow

Slit my throat,
Rip my heart from my chest,
Let my mangled soul go.
Put my spirit to rest,
Let my blood flow,
That crimson flow
Crimson flow

This process is taking forever. Copying my local copy on my laptop to Google docs and then to blogger and linking to fictionpress. *sigh*

No. 74

Ah, poetry. Wonderful, middle school poetry. 

I'm going to post all of my poems here in the order they appear on my FictionPress profiles and then post the ones that weren't there. 

This seems to have been edited since i posted it to FictionPress. The modification date is Mon 07 Jun 2004 07:19:02 PM EDT and it was written in the comic sans font...ugh. I believe i originally wrote this for an English assignment in 7th grade or for extra credit.

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1547821/1/Nothing (3-10-04)

It had one review. It was by and if theyy get me. I couldn't remember who that was so i looked through their page and recognized a lot of the titles but had to look through comments to see if there was one addressing them by name. Turns out it's her. It's Jazzy. I dunno why that was such a shock to me. Well, the comment reads, "teehees. danny, danny, danny. you are amazing." (2005-05-10)

“nothing”

Caught between the lines of something and nothing.

Not knowing,

Yet knowing so well.

I know what is,

What was,

And what will.

Yet I know nothing at all.

If there is nothing to know,

Then we already know everything.

Do you really need anything?

Necessities are only things you need based on other things,

Which are based on others,

Which lead to nothing,

No reason,

No purpose.

No motive to have anything

To do anything,

For anything at all.

But something keeps us going,

Drives us.

Find it.

And feel the pain that true wisdom brings.

So what is there to know?

Why?

There’s no amusement in already knowing,

Only in the pleasure of finding out,

Discovering.

What is this....

....reality?

How can you prove that it’s real?

That you’re real,

Pure,

And true.

You can't.

What is human?

Another part of reality?

NO.

Just some made up data.

By...

...humans?

Am I real?

I don't know.

But I know my "thoughts" are

Feelings?

Maybe.

Pain

Pleasure

Anger

Sorrow

Joy

Courage

Numbness

Sadness

Despair

Love

Hate

Fear

Yes.

They are there,

Real.

But what are they really?

But fear,

Why are we?

Or I,

Afraid of these things?

Things that appear in a certain way tells nothing about being something to “feared”

Whether it’s good or bad.

So why do we fear?

Pain or Pleasure?

Love or hate?

Anger or sorrow?

Despair or joy?

Is either good or bad?

Good and bad.

More nothingness thought up by us humans,

If you,

Or we,

Really exist.

Simple words based on actions, or behaviors,

Based on others,

Ending with nothing,

So there isn’t really any good or bad.

Life?

Is it real?

What is its purpose?

How?

What is it?

What about death?

Not the opposite of life.

Life is not its opposite,

Birth is.

Or is it not?

Is it really the end?

Or possibly only the beginning.

Or just the next step,

Toward wherever we go.

To uncover the past?

Our true origin.

Should it really be feared?

How do I know it is real?

If I don’t know if anyone else is.

Others have “died”

But I haven’t.

Where do we go when we die?

Or what happens?

Does anything?

Time?

Does it hold meaning?

Or could this be false too?

When?

Is anything real?

Or is it all an illusion?

I don't know.

And if I know anything,

It's that there is no way that I do.

Where?

Can you be sure you're really there?

No.

You.

Are you real?

How can I be sure?

How can YOU?

Take a moment to think about all of this.

So,

When you say you understand,

How can you really?

You can't.

I can’t either.

But at the same time I understand perfectly.

So,

Could you?

I understand,

But I still keep learning.

There’s always more to know.

You can never know too much.

Don't rely on this "world"

It might not be real.

But if the rest of you are real,

I write this for you,

But if not,

I write it for myself.

So tell me,

Do you believe?

Yes?

No?

Tell me...

...why?

What is your reasoning?

Because I do not believe.

I do not believe it true,

Nor false.

I believe nothing.

So tell me,

Do you?

-Daniel Piccirillo

  

Here's another one. Modified Mon 09 Feb 2004 06:02:30 PM EST

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1547823/1/Dangling_Souls (3-10-04)

The only review is by Sat Hari, who's titles i recognized and i was pretty sure was Robin, but i went through the reviews just to make sure. Yeah, it's Robin. She said, "WHYY are you so good? lol...no, really, this is a really really good poem, and i never thought of..well, anything...that way. tres bien...wish i could be more like you...ah well i'll get over it in time" (2005-01-14)

As i looked through the comments, i saw that i had left a bunch that weren't very supporting. Saying things like what's the significance of this (seemingly conndescendingly) or saying that something doesn't make sense or something doesn't flow. Even though she's the one that could write and i couldn't.

Dangling Souls

They are computers programmed to a reality.

Too attached to this world.

Minds caught on fish hooks,

Only to ask themselves what they have accomplished in the end,

And only the truly wise know no nothing.

Trapped souls.

Hearts gone to greed.

Overcome by corruption.

Thoughts of wrongdoing.

They hang by their necks,

Dangling in this dream,

Only to awaken dead.

Entities of no one,

Remaining in our minds.

We all have something in common.

One thing is the same in everyone.

In the ways that we think.

You may not feel it but its there.

It’s in all of us.

Dangling by rope swaying in breeze,

To soaring in violent wind.

So unaware of what is really possible.

Trapped in the box of reality.

Unable to breach the fine walls of the prison.

Weak minds caged.

Imagination frees.

Hanging burning out coals.

Dangling souls.

Dangling souls. 

  

So i think it's about time i end this post for no other reason than length. I wasn't very good at poetry because it was all so shallow. I never asked questions about what something represents, etc. All i had was raw ideas and concepts and random combinations of words that i thought were cool. I guess i've always had trouble expressing things through language. I guess that's why it comes out robotic and awkward. I still don't think that makes me any less of a romantic though. Robin said (recently) that she was and i wasn't.  

My profile: http://www.fictionpress.com/~s0ulflame

Or at least that's the one without all the mushy ones about Jazzy.
I've been a member since 03-10-04 and my id is 401695. I published 26 stories (poems), filed under the categories Life, General, Love, and Nature. 

For the record, it reads, 

Hey, my namez Danny. I'm 14 and I live in Newton, Massachusetts. Iscrew aroundon the computer all the time and I love talking to my friends. Feel free to email or IM me anytime. My email is danny (dot) piccirillo(at) gmail (dot) com

Anyone interested in gmail i have 50invites left!! More info on what gmail is available at gmail.com. If you would like an invite you may email me.

CHECK MY FAVORITE AUTHORS LIST FOR GOOD STUFF

My poems about past love, are under the penname SilentHeartBeat, Used ID: 401730

When reviewing poems:

- read authors profile
- check out thier fav. authors and stories
- dont just read one poem and say the writer is bad
- read summaries etc. if available, they're short and might fill you in on some helpful info about the pice
- check out reviews thay have gotten and the authors who wroye them

I havent written anything in a REALLY long time sorry everyone

No. 73

Allo!

So basically things don't actually suck at all. I was a little crazy from my last post because i was Robin-deprived and stressed out and stuff. Things were smooth after that. Although, since then, i did ask Robin to see Batman, she said she didn't have money, and then i asked again later, and she was going with Jolie! Gahh! Whatever though... i don't know why i felt like it was a big deal. Well actually i do but i mean i guess it isn't that big of a deal.

Phew, so i'm tired and sounding stupid. Awesome. My birthday was fun. Went up to New Hampshire with Robin, Caroline, Steff, and Charlotte to hike a mountain.

Robin just left for Canada a couple days ago and she's gone for two weeks.

My computer is still dead.

I don't have much else to say.

I'm tired.

Goodnight.

No. 72

I'm feeling pretty sulky. When my dad talked to me about spending time with my siblings and being a part of the family he was also trying to get me to go to the cape with them. When my mom first told me about plans to go to the Cape she said i didn't have to go. Last time i went i didn't have fun. I also wanted to stay home this time because Robin had been away almost all summer and i wanted to be home when she got back. I ended up going (a day late) though, and she wasn't coming back while i was there anyways. The Cape was pretty lame and my parents didn't like that i was just there because they guilted me into coming but next time i think i'll go for the whole trip and do my best to enjoy it.

Anyways, i sorta felt like i called Robin too much while she was away trying to see if she could come to the Cape with me, when she would be back, and if she would hang out with me and see Walle when she was. Well we hung out and took out a third of my dreads which took 4 hours with the two of us working. The next day, she said she'd only help if i'd pay her. I thought that was ridiculous so i said forget it. I haven't made any progress since. I started feeling like she was annoyed with me or was somehow sick of me after that. Walle is supposed to be the first genuinely good movie out in a long time so i really wanted to see it with her. I kept trying to make plans with her but she was always busy.

I guess i'm just needy. I get along with Robin better than anyone else, but (it seems like) she flakes whenever there's any sort of tension. At some point when i asked again about Walle, she said Jolie wanted to see it with her too so we could never make plans because Jolie was never free. She told me she was finally free on Thursday so we'd see it then but she somehow fucked up her plans and imagined we had planned on seeing it Saturday which didn't end up working anyways becuase she also had other movie plans. that day which she'd forgotten about. She said i could come if it ended up being at her house (which it did). I don't have a lot of friends like she does and before she went on vacation i felt like i had just gotten really close to her. Now i felt like i was just another person or even less important than her other friends.

I didn't want to be hanging out with her once a week. I did get to see her on Friday. I took her out to the Cheesecake factory and then we came back and she ended up staying the night along with Phoebe and Lisa. We looked at porn on various chan sites and watched two episodes of some pathetically bad anime porn. We also played strip poker and i lost miserably. Nothing was visible though because we all sat at a table and nobody looked under it.

The next day things got bad again. I got into an argument with Robin online about Walle. I was feeling a lot of things at that point. It was like this one movie that actually mattered to me was deciding whether or not my fears were true. It sounds crazy when i verbalize it but it isn't really. When i heard that Walle was a really good movie, i remembered Robin saying she wanted to go to the movies and she hadn't in a long time. The same was true for me. I wanted to see this with her. Enough so that i asked way ahead of time while i was still on the Cape (even though i decided i wanted to see it with her before i went). Maybe this is all a little bit silly. I just thought that it didn't matter that she was busy with other people if she would just see Walle with me. Casual plans don't really matter, but this sorta did. That was the difference. And it made a difference. To me. But not to her, and i guess that was crazy, to think it would.

Well she just got very agitated and didn't really see how i felt. I don't think i could expect her to. Finally she said she'd ask Jo one more time and if she couldn't set a time then she'd see it with me alone. Sure, i guess that's what i wanted, but it wasn't satisfying to have to put up a fight. She never saw how i felt. Then i went to the movie thing at her house and told me Jolie emailed her saying to just go with me and that she was sorry and to please not be mad. Then i felt sorta bad.

After all of this i'm feeling alone. And that's on top of everything else. I feel overall hopeless. I still think about suicide too. I wanted to tell someone. I wanted to tell Robin, but i felt like that would be a bad idea. It would just make me sound really clingy. She would tell me to get on meds or see a therapist. While i was talking to Robin i just set my status to "Who can i tell? Fuck. Tell me if i can tell you" and the only person who asked was Brittany, and i wasn't already talking to her. Then i changed it to (and i'm not sure if this is exact), "Of all the people, haha. Yet i still fail to be surprised by any of you."

People never surprise me. Maybe my perception of them is quickly and easily changed by what they do that would otherwise surprise me.

After that second status went up, Dan H asked about the previous one. So i told him. I don't actually want to die, i just can't deal with myself, and i can't deal with other people, and i always just jump to the first escape in my mind. I've gotten better, but i'm not getting better, and i haven't healed if i still feel this way sometimes. I just lose sight of why life is worth living sometimes. My family would say it's because i'm self-centered, irresponsible, and unappreciative. Maybe it is. I've gotten to a point where i'm better but i only get like this every once in a while, like a bruise that hurts just when you touch it. Every year though, i seem to go through the same really severe depression usually in the winter, and then i get better in the summer. I think it corresponds with two things: Jazzy and school. Am i mentally ill for having these thoughts at all, or do i just need to manage my life? Is there something broken that needs to be fixed, or do i just need to take control? Is it my fault for not being able to handle the things that contribute to my depression (sleep, exercise, etc.), or am i fighting a battle i can't win on my own?

I'm feeling alone. I'm feeling like i don't fit in. I'm feeling like i can't get along with others. I'm feeling hopeless. I'm feeling like i don't have a future. I'm feeling stupid. I'm feeling like-- get ready for the cliche-- my existence is meaningless. I mean i know that isn't true. I mean yeah, i depend on the world, but the world will go on without me, but that is true for anyone. I know i still make a difference, even if its small. Besides, i live for me, right? I guess its just that activism is a big part of my world and it feels so hopeless most of the time.

Robin went to the Cape yesterday with some friends to go see Ani DiFranco. I was hoping to finally see Walle with her this week. I just talked to her this morning (afternoon is still morning for me). She's busy every day through Thrusday and at that point i just said nevermind. She said she's not actually this busy but she's just trying to leave space for art that she needs to do. I doubt that's the whole truth. She can't be seeing her other friends as infrequently as me, can she? Well, i just asked her if i could see Walle without her. She said yeah. Then she asked "even after all your yelling and screaming!" and i told her i miseed her so much it hurt (Scrubs reference there), but that i gave up now. So then she invited me to mini-golf on Thursday.

It's now close to 8pm and i'm still in my room. I haven't left to eat or anything. Should i talk to her? What would i say?

I also hope to set up a P2P internet radio station this summer. I need to make a notebook of these goals. What if i reread this entire blog?

No. 71

So my dad started ripping on me again tonight but then we talked it out. He did lay something heavy on me though...

He told me how when i was a little kid, he noticed a distinct change over time. He told me how when he came home from work i would excitedly come greet him. He was always tired and worn out from work and after a while, he noticed that i didn't do that anymore. Then he asked me, do Nick and Sofia greet me when i get home anymore?

They don't.