No. 50

I felt different for a little bit today. I'm not sure what it was. Probably nothing.

You know it's so inconvenient to have such a strong reaction to the mere thought of someone. It's worse that all of my friends are friends with her, if not better friends with her. I don't know anymore. Either way, i've done the best i can to train myself not to think of her when i'm with a friend of mine, but it's still a challenge for me. It's like her essence rubs off on people. I can't be with my friends when she's there. I always have to remove myself anytime she's there. It sucks, but i do know that i can't directly blame her for this fact.

I envy Eli. I'm jealous of what he can do with his guitar. I'm jealous of how much people like him. He reminds me of the things i wish i could do. He reminds me that i have too much self-doubt to do anything or to be anyone. I wish i was good at something besides wasting time on the computer. I wish i spoke Japanese, and was a cunning linguist; i wish i was a child prodigy, a musician, a great singer, and speaker, an sharp intellectual, a swift martial artist, a comedian, a socialite, an avid reader, and writer, and someone with close friends, people who love him. I'm stuck between wanting to be so many different people, not knowing who i can be, and unsatisfied with who i am.

No. 49

So going out with she who we do not name was tough. I was always making excuses and rationalizing parts of the relationship i wasn't satisfied with. One of these things, was our first kiss. It was the greatest moment of my life. My first kiss was with her...but her first kiss was not with me. It might have been with Josh or Sam depending on how you look at it. Anyways, i had this idea built up in my mind that i would be able to live with that as long as we would lose our virginities to each other in the end. It's hard to get something like that out of your skull even though it's unlike me to just want to fuck someone. Sometimes i think that it would satisfy that messed up "comfort conception" i have or something like that but just thinking about her makes me sick. The trouble is, i can't think about anything within the area of sex without thinking of her. As you could imagine, thinking about anyone else is...uncomfortable. I don't think that' what keeps me from having feelings for anyone else though. I just genuinely don't feel anything for anyone but her. What i feel for her, i have not idea how to describe, but there's nothing that i feel for anyone else.

Well, i just made some progress. I had been thinking about jazzy for two minutes before beginning to write this post which was already a record, as sad as that might be, but now it has been twenty minutes and i haven't felt anything. It might just be because of how tired i am and how numb i've become. Wait, now i think it's coming...

No. 48

Something i like to do when i am alone is try to walk as far as i can with my eyes closed. The hardest part isn't so much not bumping into anything as it is trusting yourself.

No. 47

It's the look you get from someone whispering in someone else's ear.

No. 46

In Thailand, i traveled with Katie, a shining member of our travel group. She was always up for trying everything and i have to say, she was one of the strongest people in our group. During the trip she talked about her best friend from home, Adam. She told us stories of him and really showed us how much of a brother he was like to her. Adam died in a head-on collision back at home. When Katie found out, she could have gone home, but she decided to stay with us until the end of our trip. As a group, finding out was earth-shattering. Most everyone was crying and offering their support to Katie. Not me.

I couldn't. As i listened to her explain what had happened, as she told us about the friend, the brother, she had lost, i couldn't even look at her. I fell apart. I was non-functional for two hours. My mind raced. I was thinking about how Chloe Checkoway died in 6th grade, just as i started to have a crush on her. I thought of my friends. I thought of myself. I thought of Jazzy....Jazzy.... I thought of the feelings i had, how i want to die, and i realized that i could never let that part of me take over. This one life was so special, even just to this one person, and everyone around Katie was affected, and i couldn't possibly imagine what this was like for her, and i knew that i wasn't of that kind of value to anyone, but i still had to ensure that i could never take my own life for any reason.

The hardest thing about suicide, is that not being able to go through with it feels like a defeat. Wanting to die to end the pain, wanting to die to make someone notice you, wanting to die to show them how they hurt you, feels like you have to go through with it for them to understand, for anyone to understand. Suicidal ideation is constantly being at battle with oneself. Nothing feels worth it but this. You develop a one-tack mind. You want to be able to tell someone. You can't. I can't.

No. 45

I don't feel close with anyone anymore. I don't feel important to anyone. I don't even feel like i'm really tight with Eli.

I don't feel like there's a point anymore. I don't feel like i have any purpose. I don't even feel alive.

What keeps me going? My family, my friends, and my sense of contribution to the world.

Still, i can't help but feel like nothing is worth it anymore. I still can't bring myself to say it frankly, but it's becoming increasingly apparent that Jazzy and i are broken far beyond repair and have been incompatible for some time. I can't let go. She's the only one who can turn me on. She brings out the worst in me. I can't be whole so long at this continues to simmer within me. Every time i see her it's an instant minor panic attack. Every time i think of her i fall silent, become weak, lose feeling in my fingers and toes. My heart races and my lungs feel like jelly. I feel sick. Everything reminds me of her. People, sounds, memories, everything. How will i ever get it together?

No. 44

So he listened intently and with all his heart as it was all he knew how to do anymore. Watching silently, he forgot everything.