No. 51

So it's been a little while since i've written here. I just put it off like everything else. For a while i thought the best way to do this was to just write when i felt like it, and i'm starting to realize that maybe you really have to just do it-- even when you don't want to because it's not always the easiest thing to make yourself want to.

I wondered if Jazzy noticed me when i saw her. I'd bet we were both pretending like the other didn't exist. I wonder if she knew when i was pretending not to notice her. I almost wished she did.

You know why i'm bothered by my friends being friends with her? They side with her. Not that there's ever the opportunity for that to show now that nobody talks about it but if it were to get brought up, i can be damn sure they wouldn't take my side. Otherwise, they would see her differently than they do.

I've still been spending most of my time alone though i did hang out with Eli for the first time in a long time on Wednesday. A while ago i talked to him online. I told him that he might need to help me if things don't get better this winter. He was surprised. He didn't think i wanted that. Well i didn't. I explained to him how i am torn between desperately wanting everyone to know and not wanting anybody to know but the bottom line was that i didn't want to talk. I told him that i knew that if things got worse this winter, then i really wouldn't want to talk and that i worried that was potentially dangerous. I didn't want to wait before i told him because if i did, the next time i would be willing to talk might be too late.

He asked if i was telling him i was suicidal. I said no. I simply replied that if i had seasonal depression then i could get much worse than i already was. I told him that i would tell Robin too to be safe but i never ended up talking to her. After that i became even more distanced than i already was. I really stopped talking to people as much.

I went to Mr. Shehan a few times and we met with the school psychiatrist. He said i was depressed and needed to force myself to be more social even though i wouldn't feel like it. Eh.

Being alone so much, i've actually had a lot of random people just come up to me and start talking to me. It's weird. At some point i've been semi-close with so many people. I've drifted into so many groups of friends. I know so many people, and they all know me. Do they see me the way i am and feel bad? I don't know what it is but it feels almost surreal. I feel like i'm abusing that word though.

It sucks to see her.

It sucks even more to see her with him.

I don't like him. The fact that she does makes me see her a lot differently. He's not a good person. He's a "cool" person, and at one point i actually almost wanted to be friend with just for that, but he isn't a good person. A pirate? What the fuck? He doesn't care about others, he's an asshole, and he doesn't belong to a very nice crowd either.

She spoke to me. It started out like this:

9:03 PM Jazzy: hi
me: hi
Jazzy: how are you?
9:04 PM me: at this very moment, in general, or were you just asking for the sake of asking?
9:05 PM Jazzy: umm.. i dont know. in general/right now. i was just wondering how you are, in the broad sense of the expression.
9:06 PM me: at this very moment i am having heart palpitations, my legs are going numb, and my arms are going to shake right off. in general i don't really have any way of describing how i am. in my room most of the time

She said she still cared and wanted to help and wanted things to be good for me and just made me sick. I almost cried. Maybe i did cry. I don't remember. I don't think i've cried since Thailand. I don't know what to do. I still feel like she's the only person i can talk to, but i can't talk to her. I still haven't been able to get myself to change the background of my phone from our picture.

She made everything that i loved, worth loving. I don't know if i can really be happy without her. It sure feels like that. She's the only person who could get in the way of what i knew i needed to do because it is the right thing to do. So maybe what i have to do is just go on because i have to, even if i can't be happy.

I really wish i could explain that better.

No. 50

I felt different for a little bit today. I'm not sure what it was. Probably nothing.

You know it's so inconvenient to have such a strong reaction to the mere thought of someone. It's worse that all of my friends are friends with her, if not better friends with her. I don't know anymore. Either way, i've done the best i can to train myself not to think of her when i'm with a friend of mine, but it's still a challenge for me. It's like her essence rubs off on people. I can't be with my friends when she's there. I always have to remove myself anytime she's there. It sucks, but i do know that i can't directly blame her for this fact.

I envy Eli. I'm jealous of what he can do with his guitar. I'm jealous of how much people like him. He reminds me of the things i wish i could do. He reminds me that i have too much self-doubt to do anything or to be anyone. I wish i was good at something besides wasting time on the computer. I wish i spoke Japanese, and was a cunning linguist; i wish i was a child prodigy, a musician, a great singer, and speaker, an sharp intellectual, a swift martial artist, a comedian, a socialite, an avid reader, and writer, and someone with close friends, people who love him. I'm stuck between wanting to be so many different people, not knowing who i can be, and unsatisfied with who i am.

No. 49

So going out with she who we do not name was tough. I was always making excuses and rationalizing parts of the relationship i wasn't satisfied with. One of these things, was our first kiss. It was the greatest moment of my life. My first kiss was with her...but her first kiss was not with me. It might have been with Josh or Sam depending on how you look at it. Anyways, i had this idea built up in my mind that i would be able to live with that as long as we would lose our virginities to each other in the end. It's hard to get something like that out of your skull even though it's unlike me to just want to fuck someone. Sometimes i think that it would satisfy that messed up "comfort conception" i have or something like that but just thinking about her makes me sick. The trouble is, i can't think about anything within the area of sex without thinking of her. As you could imagine, thinking about anyone else is...uncomfortable. I don't think that' what keeps me from having feelings for anyone else though. I just genuinely don't feel anything for anyone but her. What i feel for her, i have not idea how to describe, but there's nothing that i feel for anyone else.

Well, i just made some progress. I had been thinking about jazzy for two minutes before beginning to write this post which was already a record, as sad as that might be, but now it has been twenty minutes and i haven't felt anything. It might just be because of how tired i am and how numb i've become. Wait, now i think it's coming...

No. 48

Something i like to do when i am alone is try to walk as far as i can with my eyes closed. The hardest part isn't so much not bumping into anything as it is trusting yourself.

No. 47

It's the look you get from someone whispering in someone else's ear.

No. 46

In Thailand, i traveled with Katie, a shining member of our travel group. She was always up for trying everything and i have to say, she was one of the strongest people in our group. During the trip she talked about her best friend from home, Adam. She told us stories of him and really showed us how much of a brother he was like to her. Adam died in a head-on collision back at home. When Katie found out, she could have gone home, but she decided to stay with us until the end of our trip. As a group, finding out was earth-shattering. Most everyone was crying and offering their support to Katie. Not me.

I couldn't. As i listened to her explain what had happened, as she told us about the friend, the brother, she had lost, i couldn't even look at her. I fell apart. I was non-functional for two hours. My mind raced. I was thinking about how Chloe Checkoway died in 6th grade, just as i started to have a crush on her. I thought of my friends. I thought of myself. I thought of Jazzy....Jazzy.... I thought of the feelings i had, how i want to die, and i realized that i could never let that part of me take over. This one life was so special, even just to this one person, and everyone around Katie was affected, and i couldn't possibly imagine what this was like for her, and i knew that i wasn't of that kind of value to anyone, but i still had to ensure that i could never take my own life for any reason.

The hardest thing about suicide, is that not being able to go through with it feels like a defeat. Wanting to die to end the pain, wanting to die to make someone notice you, wanting to die to show them how they hurt you, feels like you have to go through with it for them to understand, for anyone to understand. Suicidal ideation is constantly being at battle with oneself. Nothing feels worth it but this. You develop a one-tack mind. You want to be able to tell someone. You can't. I can't.

No. 45

I don't feel close with anyone anymore. I don't feel important to anyone. I don't even feel like i'm really tight with Eli.

I don't feel like there's a point anymore. I don't feel like i have any purpose. I don't even feel alive.

What keeps me going? My family, my friends, and my sense of contribution to the world.

Still, i can't help but feel like nothing is worth it anymore. I still can't bring myself to say it frankly, but it's becoming increasingly apparent that Jazzy and i are broken far beyond repair and have been incompatible for some time. I can't let go. She's the only one who can turn me on. She brings out the worst in me. I can't be whole so long at this continues to simmer within me. Every time i see her it's an instant minor panic attack. Every time i think of her i fall silent, become weak, lose feeling in my fingers and toes. My heart races and my lungs feel like jelly. I feel sick. Everything reminds me of her. People, sounds, memories, everything. How will i ever get it together?