No. 56

Breaking out of this shell will be hard. I have distanced myself because everyone i could talk to has some association with Jazzy in my head. Eli and Donnie have dated her. Will, Berman, Eli (obviously), have hooked up with her. Hamilton and Eli have even happened to go skinny dipping with her and some people, though from what i've heard there wasn't an especially good view. Atenia was super close with her and Robin and those people are good friends with her. All of that is just off the top of my head. As much as Jazzy isn't in my life, she is still all around me and i can't get her away. I don't think that if i did that would fix anything though.

Nothing would change even if this wasn't true.

No. 55

I finally fell apart this weekend. After watching the trailers for FFXIII for the first time in over a year, i've picked up playing FFX again since i never got around to beating it. I started over from the beginning and Nick saw and wanted to play so i said he had to create a separate saved game for himself. Well, his game saved over my game, erasing over 10 hours of gameplay. Needless to say i was pissed, but it was pathetic, and i knew it. I got so upset, and then i just got more upset. I started thinking about everything and i just felt worse and worse. I didn't know what to do. I went up to my room and after a while i called Robin. The conversation isn't fresh in my mind now so forgive me is this is pretty choppy.

For the most part i wasn't talking much at first. I was trying my best to breathe but i was just so upset. She almost got me by asking if i was okay, but i've been asked that so many times i'm able to hold back my reaction. She even said that usually you can tell if someone's not okay because after you ask they'll just cry but she couldn't tell if i was crying because she wasn't there. I'm pretty sure she could tell though, even if she might not have been positive.

I went outside and it must have been around freezing temperature. There was snow on the ground and it sounded like it was sleeting. It shivered a lot for a while but then i got used to it and stopped. The cold numbed me out. It all made sense. I try to freeze myself when i get upset so i don't have to feel it anymore. After a little while i sent back inside and lied on the bed again.

Robin finally got me to talk. I told her about what happened with the stupid video game. I told her why it was like this. It's because losing this stupid game finally made me feel something after i've tried so hard and worked so long to not be able to feel anymore. That was it, i started crying.

It was the first time i'd cried in a while. I don't remember crying at all since last summer. Now it makes sense why everything emotional i see brings me to the brink of tears. It brings back feelings that i have suppressed. I've actually started listening to techno now and even that makes more sense now. On top of the fact that techno can help keep me a little more awake, it has for the most part no emotional value, and i am strongly moved by music.

A lot of the time she tried to get me to agree to get help from a therapist or try getting medicine. I've tried a therapist, what are they going to be able to tell me? Medicine doesn't feel right to me, i can't do something that doesn't feel right to me like this.

Finally we got to the point. Maybe a therapist could tell me what is causing all of this, she suggested. I don't need a therapist to tell me that, i replied. So she asked what it was...and i told her. The greater part of a year, is how long it took me to finally come out with it. I told her i never got over what happened between me and Jazzy.

She wasn't sure what i meant. She asked if i still loved her or was just torn up still or what. The way she asked made me feel a little bit awkward but I told her i didn't know how i feel.

Somehow, at some point, she asked if i'd ever thought about suicide. I paused. After a moment i replied, "Yeah...but not in a while." I told her what it was like to feel that way, and how it was just recently that realized that i stopped feeling suicidal, probably because i've gotten used to being alone. I talked to her about how it might not just be illogical thoughts. I assured her how i realized in Thailand that i could never allow myself to do it.

At one point she asked me what makes me happy. I stopped and thought. I didn't know. I have no idea what makes me happy. I couldn't think of a single thing. I explained that what's kept me going is my belief in doing what's right. What makes a person good is not doing everything they should do in society's terms, but doing everything that they can do for others. A person like that recognizes the obligation to do the right thing; to put others first.

I told her how no mater what, it was making that difference that kept me going, but that now, somehow even that isn't enough anymore. I didn't tell her how this whole mess makes me feel like a bad person. I didn't think anyone could get in the way of me doing the right thing, but Jazzy has.

Maybe it's because it doesn't feel right without her.

No. 54

Something i forgot to mention: even though i haven't been feeling suicidal, things have been able to make me feel like crying really easily. I've only cried during a movie once in my life and that was because i was already so upset. Now, that still hasn't changed, but every time something the slightest bit emotional happens on any of those shows i've been watching, i instantly feel like i'm about to cry. I can't explain it. I don't know why it's been happening.

No. 53

Well, i haven't felt suicidal in a while. I think i've grown accustomed to how i act and feel now. I'm alone. I've started watching anime on Adult Swim. Watching it makes me feel better. The dissatisfaction i feel in my own life melts away when i'm watching these stories on the television screen. It's because i wish i could be a hero. I still don't know who i want to be, who i'm supposed to be. I don't know who i am.

I wonder what makes someone suicidal different. People don't think they could understand someone who was suicidal but i have been able to relate to people just fine without them knowing. I mean i see myself as really a logical person and not the type to give in into those sort of thoughts. Suicide seems so illogical
to people and maybe it is, but what is it that makes a person suicidal? Does logic really have anything to do with it? Is it mindset? Was i really suicidal?

Looking back on it, maybe it was logic, or maybe it was just mindset. Maybe it's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist.

Optimists and pessimists. I have an interesting take on these. Whoever says they're a realist is full of shit. Everyone has their own perception of what is realistic. Optimists are optimists because they tend to see things that way more than other people, but aren't they realists in their own eyes? The same goes for pessimists. Realists just like to sound like they're perception of what's realistic is more realistic that anyone else's.

When an optimist or pessimist recognizes that an idea of theirs might just be them being optimistic or pessimistic, they reveal they they do in fact know what is "more realistic". What optimists have is hope.

No. 52

Could there really be something wrong with me or can i blame my life for this? I might even be one to blame someone else in my position. Can you blame me for...not being able to get over a girl...loving someone unconditionally... Is this feeling that's sticking to me love? I'm not really sure why i just called it that. It mostly just feels like hate and disgust, sorrow and regret, and somehow still...hope?

No. 51

So it's been a little while since i've written here. I just put it off like everything else. For a while i thought the best way to do this was to just write when i felt like it, and i'm starting to realize that maybe you really have to just do it-- even when you don't want to because it's not always the easiest thing to make yourself want to.

I wondered if Jazzy noticed me when i saw her. I'd bet we were both pretending like the other didn't exist. I wonder if she knew when i was pretending not to notice her. I almost wished she did.

You know why i'm bothered by my friends being friends with her? They side with her. Not that there's ever the opportunity for that to show now that nobody talks about it but if it were to get brought up, i can be damn sure they wouldn't take my side. Otherwise, they would see her differently than they do.

I've still been spending most of my time alone though i did hang out with Eli for the first time in a long time on Wednesday. A while ago i talked to him online. I told him that he might need to help me if things don't get better this winter. He was surprised. He didn't think i wanted that. Well i didn't. I explained to him how i am torn between desperately wanting everyone to know and not wanting anybody to know but the bottom line was that i didn't want to talk. I told him that i knew that if things got worse this winter, then i really wouldn't want to talk and that i worried that was potentially dangerous. I didn't want to wait before i told him because if i did, the next time i would be willing to talk might be too late.

He asked if i was telling him i was suicidal. I said no. I simply replied that if i had seasonal depression then i could get much worse than i already was. I told him that i would tell Robin too to be safe but i never ended up talking to her. After that i became even more distanced than i already was. I really stopped talking to people as much.

I went to Mr. Shehan a few times and we met with the school psychiatrist. He said i was depressed and needed to force myself to be more social even though i wouldn't feel like it. Eh.

Being alone so much, i've actually had a lot of random people just come up to me and start talking to me. It's weird. At some point i've been semi-close with so many people. I've drifted into so many groups of friends. I know so many people, and they all know me. Do they see me the way i am and feel bad? I don't know what it is but it feels almost surreal. I feel like i'm abusing that word though.

It sucks to see her.

It sucks even more to see her with him.

I don't like him. The fact that she does makes me see her a lot differently. He's not a good person. He's a "cool" person, and at one point i actually almost wanted to be friend with just for that, but he isn't a good person. A pirate? What the fuck? He doesn't care about others, he's an asshole, and he doesn't belong to a very nice crowd either.

She spoke to me. It started out like this:

9:03 PM Jazzy: hi
me: hi
Jazzy: how are you?
9:04 PM me: at this very moment, in general, or were you just asking for the sake of asking?
9:05 PM Jazzy: umm.. i dont know. in general/right now. i was just wondering how you are, in the broad sense of the expression.
9:06 PM me: at this very moment i am having heart palpitations, my legs are going numb, and my arms are going to shake right off. in general i don't really have any way of describing how i am. in my room most of the time

She said she still cared and wanted to help and wanted things to be good for me and just made me sick. I almost cried. Maybe i did cry. I don't remember. I don't think i've cried since Thailand. I don't know what to do. I still feel like she's the only person i can talk to, but i can't talk to her. I still haven't been able to get myself to change the background of my phone from our picture.

She made everything that i loved, worth loving. I don't know if i can really be happy without her. It sure feels like that. She's the only person who could get in the way of what i knew i needed to do because it is the right thing to do. So maybe what i have to do is just go on because i have to, even if i can't be happy.

I really wish i could explain that better.

No. 50

I felt different for a little bit today. I'm not sure what it was. Probably nothing.

You know it's so inconvenient to have such a strong reaction to the mere thought of someone. It's worse that all of my friends are friends with her, if not better friends with her. I don't know anymore. Either way, i've done the best i can to train myself not to think of her when i'm with a friend of mine, but it's still a challenge for me. It's like her essence rubs off on people. I can't be with my friends when she's there. I always have to remove myself anytime she's there. It sucks, but i do know that i can't directly blame her for this fact.

I envy Eli. I'm jealous of what he can do with his guitar. I'm jealous of how much people like him. He reminds me of the things i wish i could do. He reminds me that i have too much self-doubt to do anything or to be anyone. I wish i was good at something besides wasting time on the computer. I wish i spoke Japanese, and was a cunning linguist; i wish i was a child prodigy, a musician, a great singer, and speaker, an sharp intellectual, a swift martial artist, a comedian, a socialite, an avid reader, and writer, and someone with close friends, people who love him. I'm stuck between wanting to be so many different people, not knowing who i can be, and unsatisfied with who i am.