I was very scatterbrained when i made that last post. I still am, but hopefully not as much. I've been out of school for two days now. It's been miserable. I've just been sleeping and not feeling better. I went to see shrink therapist councilor dude yesterday and it was just stupid. He has nothing to offer me. Nobody but Jazzy can give me anything more than an open ear. Professionals don't have any new solutions to offer; they have the ability to point me in the direction of prescription medicine. I could tell he would be no help. Any improvement i'd have would be from me and he would just be there for the ride. Now i know you're all thinking i'm crazy, but i can promise you this isn't me just being stubborn and irrational. Even my mom saw it, and she's the one who took me to him. Well i'm too tired and i don't have much else to say at this point.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
No. 39
Well yesterday i was very sickly, dizzy and disoriented. Changing direction while in motion or turning my head, music, talking, or any noise in general makes everything feel like it's spinning. I'd be lightheaded and feel like i was falling. Looking in a different direction that i am facing by turning my eyes not my head, makes the muscles that control eye movement hurt. I have eye muscle cramps or something from sleep deprivation. This has never happened to me before. I'll lose balance and i get this wooshing sensation in my tummy like i'm about to vomit only i don't. I've been completely losing it.
Last night, i was pouring orange juice because i was having cereal and OJ as a midnight snack and i was pouring it very slowly and i couldn't figure out what was wrong. I was pouring it into the cereal bowl. It wasn't even as if i had poured it in quickly and i was like 'Oh, crap!'- i was pouring it slowly and was like 'Oh...crap.' I've always talked to myself and heard things that weren't there and things like that, but it hasn't been until recently that it's really concerned me. It's a little scary.
When i sleep, i don't sleep deeply like i normally do. I don't sleep well. I always have dreams of no more kisses. It's those faces she makes that usually i'd kiss her for making but now i can't. She does it all the time. Now that i think of it, i don't know what expressions she makes that don't make me feel like that.
Today i've been just as sick if not worse then yesterday but my day ended up pretty alright. My day started off lousy though. I'm so sick and completely exhausted. I had to get up for the carpool and school. I had to face long block French first thing in the morning. I was worried all day and stressed and in pain from whatever it is that i'm suffering from. Yesterday, Jazzy said she might read my blog later. This morning when i came into school, Jazzy clearly was avoiding me or something and i was immediately suspicious that she had read it. Then, Robin hugged me. Robin doesn't just hug me. Nobody just hugs me, well, with the exception of Eve and, when i'm lucky, Eli. When Robin hugged me, i knew something was up.
I caught Jazzy at homeroom and she told me she had read the blog- the entire blog. I asked her if she was mad at me for now or what. I was really worried that we'd stop talking. After school we finally talked. She told me how she felt and the she was sorry and we cleared everything up. My intentions haven't been to blame everything on Jazzy and she didn't take the blame. She really understood that i wasn't just writing to say she's a horrible person. I wrote about all of this to break this chaotic cycle of bending the truth. I didn't want her to be able to downplay what i wrote here. We both understand each other. We're not arguing about who's fault is what, or who should be blamed. We both just fed off of each other when we were dating and things got out of control. Don't you hate learning things the hard way?
I still want to clarify a few things but we're open and talking now. We're going to go through the blog together so we can really dissect it. I'd like to know if she really did like me when we were dating. When making out stopped being enjoyable. If she did like Eli while we were dating. If she really had no feelings for me whatsoever right now. If we have a chance.
We've finally broken through to each other. It's such a relief. I'm still really sad that she doesn't like me and that she's with Gabi. I mean, i don't know what it would take for me to get over my feelings for her. It's heartbreaking, but i get it. It's just the feeling that everything we've had amounts to nothing. I know it's not true but damn does it feel that way.
I've never gone past first base with anybody but her, and i can't imagine ever doing so. I just consider it to be such a big deal, something really significant, something really special. She probably doesn't see it that way, but if she goes further with Gabi than she did with me, or as far, or past first, it would be so hard to deal with. I can't control their relationship but i don't know how to describe how i feel.
I'm so afraid that i won't be able to get close to Jazzy again. She came over after school yesterday and i just felt like something was stuck in between us. Hopefully there isn't anymore, but i still worry. I still worry that she can't like me again. I want to just watch a movie or Gilmore Girls or something with her and just snuzzle (snuggle + nuzzle + cuddle). I guess this is me worrying and making an imagines problem into a reality.
Another example of Jazzy 'being fair' is how she might say that she'll call if she can but she won't and she'll have called Eli and Atenia and talked to them. She'll say that it was fair because she'd already talked to me or she'd seen me that day or something. It really shouldn't be about that. It's about who you want to talk to.
I have to be more understanding of this though. She doesn't like me. She doesn't always want to talk to me. I'm not always fun. I can't blame her. I have to not take so much offense in these situations, it only makes things worse. Yesterday, she never called me and i know she talked to Atenia on the phone and i would have liked her to call but i was okay with the fact that she didn't. I did call her a bunch of times first but then i had to step back and take a minute to think.
Today, after school, i wasn't so good. When i asked Jazzy if we could talk after school, i was a nervous wreck and so when she told me she was going to go get coffee with Eli, and she didn't tell me Eli was going until i asked, i immediately thought to myself, 'Oh...they're going to coffee.' I shouldn't do that. I mean, yeah, i was feeling crummy so that was why i did but you get the point. Even if they were going to coffee, i can't have a real problem with that at all. (Sorry Eli for taking Jazzy from your coffee plans)
It's just hard to think of how she gets all close like that with Eli, right? I mean snuzzling and all. Also, Eli walks her to class and when i used to do that she'd get pissed. I have to understand that it's different. I was obsessive and stalker-like. It's hard not to just be completely jealous and upset of everything all the time. I need to get over doing this. It's really bad. It's unhealthy. It's why i ended up where i am now.
It's not just the thought of Jazzy with anyone else that kills me. Seeing happy couples is just so hard. The memories and feelings that are always brought back. I see happy couples everywhere. It's just such a downer. It's so depressing but i have to look at the bright side.
What's it matter at all that she doesn't like me right now? What's it matter that there are other people besides me in her life? What's it matter that i'm not number one on her list? I can't keep letting all these things hold me back. As long as i can see her smile, i can't let anything hold me back.
Last night, i was pouring orange juice because i was having cereal and OJ as a midnight snack and i was pouring it very slowly and i couldn't figure out what was wrong. I was pouring it into the cereal bowl. It wasn't even as if i had poured it in quickly and i was like 'Oh, crap!'- i was pouring it slowly and was like 'Oh...crap.' I've always talked to myself and heard things that weren't there and things like that, but it hasn't been until recently that it's really concerned me. It's a little scary.
When i sleep, i don't sleep deeply like i normally do. I don't sleep well. I always have dreams of no more kisses. It's those faces she makes that usually i'd kiss her for making but now i can't. She does it all the time. Now that i think of it, i don't know what expressions she makes that don't make me feel like that.
Today i've been just as sick if not worse then yesterday but my day ended up pretty alright. My day started off lousy though. I'm so sick and completely exhausted. I had to get up for the carpool and school. I had to face long block French first thing in the morning. I was worried all day and stressed and in pain from whatever it is that i'm suffering from. Yesterday, Jazzy said she might read my blog later. This morning when i came into school, Jazzy clearly was avoiding me or something and i was immediately suspicious that she had read it. Then, Robin hugged me. Robin doesn't just hug me. Nobody just hugs me, well, with the exception of Eve and, when i'm lucky, Eli. When Robin hugged me, i knew something was up.
I caught Jazzy at homeroom and she told me she had read the blog- the entire blog. I asked her if she was mad at me for now or what. I was really worried that we'd stop talking. After school we finally talked. She told me how she felt and the she was sorry and we cleared everything up. My intentions haven't been to blame everything on Jazzy and she didn't take the blame. She really understood that i wasn't just writing to say she's a horrible person. I wrote about all of this to break this chaotic cycle of bending the truth. I didn't want her to be able to downplay what i wrote here. We both understand each other. We're not arguing about who's fault is what, or who should be blamed. We both just fed off of each other when we were dating and things got out of control. Don't you hate learning things the hard way?
I still want to clarify a few things but we're open and talking now. We're going to go through the blog together so we can really dissect it. I'd like to know if she really did like me when we were dating. When making out stopped being enjoyable. If she did like Eli while we were dating. If she really had no feelings for me whatsoever right now. If we have a chance.
We've finally broken through to each other. It's such a relief. I'm still really sad that she doesn't like me and that she's with Gabi. I mean, i don't know what it would take for me to get over my feelings for her. It's heartbreaking, but i get it. It's just the feeling that everything we've had amounts to nothing. I know it's not true but damn does it feel that way.
I've never gone past first base with anybody but her, and i can't imagine ever doing so. I just consider it to be such a big deal, something really significant, something really special. She probably doesn't see it that way, but if she goes further with Gabi than she did with me, or as far, or past first, it would be so hard to deal with. I can't control their relationship but i don't know how to describe how i feel.
I'm so afraid that i won't be able to get close to Jazzy again. She came over after school yesterday and i just felt like something was stuck in between us. Hopefully there isn't anymore, but i still worry. I still worry that she can't like me again. I want to just watch a movie or Gilmore Girls or something with her and just snuzzle (snuggle + nuzzle + cuddle). I guess this is me worrying and making an imagines problem into a reality.
Another example of Jazzy 'being fair' is how she might say that she'll call if she can but she won't and she'll have called Eli and Atenia and talked to them. She'll say that it was fair because she'd already talked to me or she'd seen me that day or something. It really shouldn't be about that. It's about who you want to talk to.
I have to be more understanding of this though. She doesn't like me. She doesn't always want to talk to me. I'm not always fun. I can't blame her. I have to not take so much offense in these situations, it only makes things worse. Yesterday, she never called me and i know she talked to Atenia on the phone and i would have liked her to call but i was okay with the fact that she didn't. I did call her a bunch of times first but then i had to step back and take a minute to think.
Today, after school, i wasn't so good. When i asked Jazzy if we could talk after school, i was a nervous wreck and so when she told me she was going to go get coffee with Eli, and she didn't tell me Eli was going until i asked, i immediately thought to myself, 'Oh...they're going to coffee.' I shouldn't do that. I mean, yeah, i was feeling crummy so that was why i did but you get the point. Even if they were going to coffee, i can't have a real problem with that at all. (Sorry Eli for taking Jazzy from your coffee plans)
It's just hard to think of how she gets all close like that with Eli, right? I mean snuzzling and all. Also, Eli walks her to class and when i used to do that she'd get pissed. I have to understand that it's different. I was obsessive and stalker-like. It's hard not to just be completely jealous and upset of everything all the time. I need to get over doing this. It's really bad. It's unhealthy. It's why i ended up where i am now.
It's not just the thought of Jazzy with anyone else that kills me. Seeing happy couples is just so hard. The memories and feelings that are always brought back. I see happy couples everywhere. It's just such a downer. It's so depressing but i have to look at the bright side.
What's it matter at all that she doesn't like me right now? What's it matter that there are other people besides me in her life? What's it matter that i'm not number one on her list? I can't keep letting all these things hold me back. As long as i can see her smile, i can't let anything hold me back.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
No. 38
I don't really know where to begin. Well first off, sorry Eli for the misunderstanding. It seemed like you had just ditched. So how can i sum up this weekend? Friday...Friday...Well, Friday i got my fourth hug from Jazzy in the past month and a half. Fuck i miss her. Friday night went well, and i knew there was something wrong. I didn't ask though because i didn't want to ruin the night. Saturday didn't go so well. I sat in my room almost all day doing nothing mostly. I was probably out of my room for a total of three hours all day. I came out for dinner. Bella came over. We watched Running With Scissors. Then it was back to my room.
After the movie ended, i got this horrible feeling. I knew something had happened now. I suddenly could barely speak. I didn't know what was happening. Jazzy was supposed to have called me. She had gone to the aquarium and then she was hanging out with everyone at Liv's house. She had told me that they might all be going to Robin's for a French party of something but she wasn't sure so she'd call and let me know. I called her a bunch of times but there was no answer. I knew she'd forget to call. That was okay though. After that, i think i called Eli, then Atenia, then Lily. I don't remember getting though to anyone but Lily. We only talked for a little bit.
Eventually, i got through to Jazzy. Hearing her voice made me feel a little better but something was still wrong. She asked what was wrong but i couldn't say so she said she'd call when she left Robin's (yeah, she forgot to tell me she was there). She called a little while later. I don't remember what we talked about, but it seemed like things were getting better. That shouldn't worry me. It did. Things always get better before i find out there was something i didn't know.
Then i asked her, "Did something happen?" She didn't know what i meant. "Did something happen that i don't know about?" there was a long pause. Oh fuck, is all i could think.
"Can we talk about this tomorrow?" she asked. I was sort of in shock from what was happening and i said no. "I assume you're talking about Gabi?" but i didn't know what i was talking about. I just knew that something had happened. I don't know how i knew. I never know how i know. I just knew. It made sense though. As soon as those words cam out of her mouth i knew what had happened.
She told me she kinda liked her. "Is that all?" She told me Gabi kinda liked her back. "Is that all?" She told me they were kinda together. So i was right on Friday to think that there was something i didn't know. Her and Gabi kissed on Thursday night. I wasn't surprised. I'd heard from Eli that Jazzy was getting set up with Gabi while the frenchies were in France. Jazzy downplayed it as usual but what else can i expect at this point? Jazzy assured me that it was nothing slutty. I had to know what she meant by that. She said that Gabi wasn't just some hott French girl and that she was actually nice. Would Jazzy be dating her is she wasn't a hott French girl? Does Jazzy actually know her at all? She certainly can't say that the fact that Gabi will only be here for two weeks has nothing to do with this.
I didn't cry. Not really anyways. I couldn't express anything. I was so everything. It was so frustrating. I love her. I hate her. I just want her to be there for me. I want her to love me back. I could tell she was tired so i told her to go to bed. She agreed to give me a hug and made sure i knew that she still wanted me to come to Kay's for Easter. She hung up and i just lost it. I didn't break down or anything. I just moped. I sat there with the phone up to my ear until it gave me the busy tone and i snapped out of it.
I can't hide anything from Jazzy. She will see this. My biggest fear is that this will end things between us permanently. I don't think anything is truly final though. Well, something i'd like to be.
Today sucked. I only got out of the house once- to go to the cemetery. I've been coughing since i watched the movie with Bella. Today, i started getting dizzy and disoriented. Jazzy and i never got to see each other today. I couldn't go to dinner and she tried to come here but that ended up not working. Whatever though. I wasn't surprised. It was a bummer.
Jazzy says i should get help. She said that people who don't even know me ask her if i'm okay. Great. I can just imagine being 'that crazy kid with the black peacoat and big red backpack always looking depressed if he's not running off to some place.' She told me to see someone. I told her that i was seeing somebody, the only person who could help me, but she left me. All she heard was that i was seeing somebody and she said that was great and she asked what i said but before i could answer she had to go.
This isn't me. This isn't me at all. I'm Danny. I don't do this. I always know how to help somebody when they are like this. I need to sit down and have a chat with myself. I wish i could do that. It would help so much.
I talked to Atenia today and she said that she talked to Jazzy last night. Apparently Jazzy wanted to reassure Atenia that she was still the only girl in her life. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Atenia didn't even know. Later, when i asked Jazzy, she didn't have much of an explanation. Atenia got offended because she didn't like Jazzy anymore and Jazzy made her feel stupid. Jazzy was trying to protect her but Jazzy hooks up with whoever she wants, now that it's a girl, it doesn't make any difference. "I don't like you anymore as much as you'd like to think so" Atenia said as if towards Jazzy.
Does Jazzy still have feelings for her? When i asked, at first she was vague. Then she said no. She like Gabi. What about Eli? She liked him a little before. She didn't have a response to that either but she didn't deny it so she was lying to me when she told me she didn't like him. Does Jazzy just like everyone? How many people has she dated? How long is she usually single for? Never for long.
I've really just expected too much from Jazzy. I've blamed her too much. I've let her kill me too much. I rant on and on about Jazzy but it's really my fault. I can't blame her for not liking me. I'm sorry.
I don't think i want to go to Thailand.
After the movie ended, i got this horrible feeling. I knew something had happened now. I suddenly could barely speak. I didn't know what was happening. Jazzy was supposed to have called me. She had gone to the aquarium and then she was hanging out with everyone at Liv's house. She had told me that they might all be going to Robin's for a French party of something but she wasn't sure so she'd call and let me know. I called her a bunch of times but there was no answer. I knew she'd forget to call. That was okay though. After that, i think i called Eli, then Atenia, then Lily. I don't remember getting though to anyone but Lily. We only talked for a little bit.
Eventually, i got through to Jazzy. Hearing her voice made me feel a little better but something was still wrong. She asked what was wrong but i couldn't say so she said she'd call when she left Robin's (yeah, she forgot to tell me she was there). She called a little while later. I don't remember what we talked about, but it seemed like things were getting better. That shouldn't worry me. It did. Things always get better before i find out there was something i didn't know.
Then i asked her, "Did something happen?" She didn't know what i meant. "Did something happen that i don't know about?" there was a long pause. Oh fuck, is all i could think.
"Can we talk about this tomorrow?" she asked. I was sort of in shock from what was happening and i said no. "I assume you're talking about Gabi?" but i didn't know what i was talking about. I just knew that something had happened. I don't know how i knew. I never know how i know. I just knew. It made sense though. As soon as those words cam out of her mouth i knew what had happened.
She told me she kinda liked her. "Is that all?" She told me Gabi kinda liked her back. "Is that all?" She told me they were kinda together. So i was right on Friday to think that there was something i didn't know. Her and Gabi kissed on Thursday night. I wasn't surprised. I'd heard from Eli that Jazzy was getting set up with Gabi while the frenchies were in France. Jazzy downplayed it as usual but what else can i expect at this point? Jazzy assured me that it was nothing slutty. I had to know what she meant by that. She said that Gabi wasn't just some hott French girl and that she was actually nice. Would Jazzy be dating her is she wasn't a hott French girl? Does Jazzy actually know her at all? She certainly can't say that the fact that Gabi will only be here for two weeks has nothing to do with this.
I didn't cry. Not really anyways. I couldn't express anything. I was so everything. It was so frustrating. I love her. I hate her. I just want her to be there for me. I want her to love me back. I could tell she was tired so i told her to go to bed. She agreed to give me a hug and made sure i knew that she still wanted me to come to Kay's for Easter. She hung up and i just lost it. I didn't break down or anything. I just moped. I sat there with the phone up to my ear until it gave me the busy tone and i snapped out of it.
I can't hide anything from Jazzy. She will see this. My biggest fear is that this will end things between us permanently. I don't think anything is truly final though. Well, something i'd like to be.
Today sucked. I only got out of the house once- to go to the cemetery. I've been coughing since i watched the movie with Bella. Today, i started getting dizzy and disoriented. Jazzy and i never got to see each other today. I couldn't go to dinner and she tried to come here but that ended up not working. Whatever though. I wasn't surprised. It was a bummer.
Jazzy says i should get help. She said that people who don't even know me ask her if i'm okay. Great. I can just imagine being 'that crazy kid with the black peacoat and big red backpack always looking depressed if he's not running off to some place.' She told me to see someone. I told her that i was seeing somebody, the only person who could help me, but she left me. All she heard was that i was seeing somebody and she said that was great and she asked what i said but before i could answer she had to go.
This isn't me. This isn't me at all. I'm Danny. I don't do this. I always know how to help somebody when they are like this. I need to sit down and have a chat with myself. I wish i could do that. It would help so much.
I talked to Atenia today and she said that she talked to Jazzy last night. Apparently Jazzy wanted to reassure Atenia that she was still the only girl in her life. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Atenia didn't even know. Later, when i asked Jazzy, she didn't have much of an explanation. Atenia got offended because she didn't like Jazzy anymore and Jazzy made her feel stupid. Jazzy was trying to protect her but Jazzy hooks up with whoever she wants, now that it's a girl, it doesn't make any difference. "I don't like you anymore as much as you'd like to think so" Atenia said as if towards Jazzy.
Does Jazzy still have feelings for her? When i asked, at first she was vague. Then she said no. She like Gabi. What about Eli? She liked him a little before. She didn't have a response to that either but she didn't deny it so she was lying to me when she told me she didn't like him. Does Jazzy just like everyone? How many people has she dated? How long is she usually single for? Never for long.
I've really just expected too much from Jazzy. I've blamed her too much. I've let her kill me too much. I rant on and on about Jazzy but it's really my fault. I can't blame her for not liking me. I'm sorry.
I don't think i want to go to Thailand.
Friday, April 6, 2007
No. 37
Now i was just going to get around to posting how glad i was that i could actually trust Jazzy to not read this blog even though i told her it was public. Now, i just found out that she kept on reading after i told her not to. I was just going to warn her of the contents but then grant her my permission to read it all. Oh well. She's sorry and she's got my permission anyways. I've said a lot of stupid thing in here. I hope she understands. She will.
Well tonight went well. I didn't let anything ruin our night. Not even finding out that Eli did just go right back to Liv's house like i suspected when he told Dan and i that he had to go. Dude...what the hell? I ended up eating two veggie burgers and she had one. She got a Cherry Coke *gross!* and i got a raspberry-lime rickey to go, which we shared. We got a plate of fries which we didn't finish so we took that to go too. Then we went to Walgreens and picked up some candy for the movie that we would enjoy in addition to our fried and drink.
We ended up not seeing 300 in IMAX, but we saw it. It was amazing. I wanted to stand up and cheer but the crowd sucked. Oh yeah, and i wore my moms pants hahaha. I feel like there was more that i wanted to say but i'm tired to i'm going to bed.
Well tonight went well. I didn't let anything ruin our night. Not even finding out that Eli did just go right back to Liv's house like i suspected when he told Dan and i that he had to go. Dude...what the hell? I ended up eating two veggie burgers and she had one. She got a Cherry Coke *gross!* and i got a raspberry-lime rickey to go, which we shared. We got a plate of fries which we didn't finish so we took that to go too. Then we went to Walgreens and picked up some candy for the movie that we would enjoy in addition to our fried and drink.
We ended up not seeing 300 in IMAX, but we saw it. It was amazing. I wanted to stand up and cheer but the crowd sucked. Oh yeah, and i wore my moms pants hahaha. I feel like there was more that i wanted to say but i'm tired to i'm going to bed.
No. 36
So today's my day with Jazzy. I'm going to Johnny's with her at 5 then we're weeing 300 in IMAX at 7:25. It should be fun. With Johnny's + 300 + IMAX, how could it not be, right?
Lets sum up yesterday- well, i made it through school. I've felt like such a phony for the past couple of days. On Wednesday i went to the library during lunch to work on the English presentation with Molly and somehow we ended up staying through 2nd and 3rd lunch and i didn't realize. I went back to class and i thought i was early until Molly pointed out that lunch block was almost over. I realized what had happened and i freaked out. I couldn't just waltz back into the classroom without a pass. That would give me an incomplete for the term! I had to go the Mr. Sheehan and he wrote me a pass which said that i was with him during both lunches.
It was bad enough that i was lying to my math teacher by giving her the pass but then she asked me if i was okay and i nodded and said yes with that terrible feeling in my gut because she actually cared and i had just blown off her class. What difference does it make? I've been doing this all my life. I put everything off. I owe everyone, including myself, a little more than this. I'm terrible.
Now, i've been telling everybody that the scabs on my knuckles are from a fall. Whenever they ask how i ended up cutting my knuckles by falling i just say that i tripped outside of the school and my thumb got caught under my backpack strap.
Well, i made it through term 3 with zero incompletes! Well, i hope so anyways...
After school i had to do another one of those evaluation things and then i waited for Jazzy because she said she'd meet me after x-block but not very surprisingly she forgot. I wasn't too mad though. I mean i've always kind of expected it, this time i just more accepted it too, i guess. She seemed like she was trying to get away from me after school when i was asking about what was going on. I wasn't even 'interrogating' her but maybe she was actually in a rush and not just to get away from me.
She gave me a ride home then Dan called and i went to his house a bit before six. I couldn't get in touch with Eli at all. He ended up at Liv's house where Jazzy and everyone was. I knew he would. He blew me off and i was a little mad. Okay i was pretty mad. He forgot about me and didn't call me until like 7:30 from Liv's house. It was okay though. I couldn't be mad for long. 'Scoot.' It's cool Eli, but you really have to stop doing this. I didn't mind too much but i've talked to people and you make some people feel really bad because of it. It's just really uncool. You've gotta work on it, man. BUT, me and Eli discovered that we fit together like puzzle pieces. He has a crevasse and i have a little nubbin or bone sticking out of the middle of my chest so they fit! Only not really but kind of :P
What the fuck is with me? Have i really sunken to this level? How could our relationship get fucked up this badly over a little flirting and miscommunication? So she's not always completely open, and she twists the truth. We can fix that can't we? I believe that there isn't anything that can't be forgiven. I forgave her for wasting her first kiss on Sleaze Wyler, i mean Sam. And then being all over Josh at Eden's birthday party and then at dance and allowing him to get his tongue in her mouth before she pulled away. I've forgiven her for all the things she's done with those people who i hated most and yet i get tied up here? I guess the question is, can anything be fixed if it is always forgiven?
I realized another reason on top of not sleeping and being a lousy writer that makes this blog so confusing: I always start posts and save them to finish later when i have time so everything end up getting mixed up and stuff. I'll try and work on that.
Lets sum up yesterday- well, i made it through school. I've felt like such a phony for the past couple of days. On Wednesday i went to the library during lunch to work on the English presentation with Molly and somehow we ended up staying through 2nd and 3rd lunch and i didn't realize. I went back to class and i thought i was early until Molly pointed out that lunch block was almost over. I realized what had happened and i freaked out. I couldn't just waltz back into the classroom without a pass. That would give me an incomplete for the term! I had to go the Mr. Sheehan and he wrote me a pass which said that i was with him during both lunches.
It was bad enough that i was lying to my math teacher by giving her the pass but then she asked me if i was okay and i nodded and said yes with that terrible feeling in my gut because she actually cared and i had just blown off her class. What difference does it make? I've been doing this all my life. I put everything off. I owe everyone, including myself, a little more than this. I'm terrible.
Now, i've been telling everybody that the scabs on my knuckles are from a fall. Whenever they ask how i ended up cutting my knuckles by falling i just say that i tripped outside of the school and my thumb got caught under my backpack strap.
Well, i made it through term 3 with zero incompletes! Well, i hope so anyways...
After school i had to do another one of those evaluation things and then i waited for Jazzy because she said she'd meet me after x-block but not very surprisingly she forgot. I wasn't too mad though. I mean i've always kind of expected it, this time i just more accepted it too, i guess. She seemed like she was trying to get away from me after school when i was asking about what was going on. I wasn't even 'interrogating' her but maybe she was actually in a rush and not just to get away from me.
She gave me a ride home then Dan called and i went to his house a bit before six. I couldn't get in touch with Eli at all. He ended up at Liv's house where Jazzy and everyone was. I knew he would. He blew me off and i was a little mad. Okay i was pretty mad. He forgot about me and didn't call me until like 7:30 from Liv's house. It was okay though. I couldn't be mad for long. 'Scoot.' It's cool Eli, but you really have to stop doing this. I didn't mind too much but i've talked to people and you make some people feel really bad because of it. It's just really uncool. You've gotta work on it, man. BUT, me and Eli discovered that we fit together like puzzle pieces. He has a crevasse and i have a little nubbin or bone sticking out of the middle of my chest so they fit! Only not really but kind of :P
What the fuck is with me? Have i really sunken to this level? How could our relationship get fucked up this badly over a little flirting and miscommunication? So she's not always completely open, and she twists the truth. We can fix that can't we? I believe that there isn't anything that can't be forgiven. I forgave her for wasting her first kiss on Sleaze Wyler, i mean Sam. And then being all over Josh at Eden's birthday party and then at dance and allowing him to get his tongue in her mouth before she pulled away. I've forgiven her for all the things she's done with those people who i hated most and yet i get tied up here? I guess the question is, can anything be fixed if it is always forgiven?
I realized another reason on top of not sleeping and being a lousy writer that makes this blog so confusing: I always start posts and save them to finish later when i have time so everything end up getting mixed up and stuff. I'll try and work on that.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
No. 35
Please don't tell anybody about this blog. I'm making it public but that doesn't mean that i want anybody else to know about it.
So Tuesday night, technically Wednesday morning, it was almost 1am and i just went for a walk. I walked down to the park, waking slowly and steadily and it felt great. It's so quiet at night. There's just enough light to see, the air is cool and somewhat damp and i love the smell. I felt a little better but i still felt like crap. I came home and sat in front of the stereo in the basement and listened to Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. Then i went upstairs and as i walked up the stairs this feeling suddenly overcame me. I was overwhelmed by the urge to run to Jazzy and tell her how sorry i was. I'm sorry i'm a bastard. I'm sorry i'm weak. I'm sorry for everything. Then i couldn't handle saying sorry and letting go of how she lied. It's not even like i was actually saying sorry or anything, i was just thinking it, but it felt like i was. I feel like i'm talking to a brick wall.
Last night i didn't go right to bed. My mom made me spaghetti and i at a ton of that before i went back to sleep at like 11:30 and woke up at 5:30. Yes, i woke up at 5:30. It was crazy. Anyways, i'm going to go outside before i go insane. Bye now.
So Tuesday night, technically Wednesday morning, it was almost 1am and i just went for a walk. I walked down to the park, waking slowly and steadily and it felt great. It's so quiet at night. There's just enough light to see, the air is cool and somewhat damp and i love the smell. I felt a little better but i still felt like crap. I came home and sat in front of the stereo in the basement and listened to Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. Then i went upstairs and as i walked up the stairs this feeling suddenly overcame me. I was overwhelmed by the urge to run to Jazzy and tell her how sorry i was. I'm sorry i'm a bastard. I'm sorry i'm weak. I'm sorry for everything. Then i couldn't handle saying sorry and letting go of how she lied. It's not even like i was actually saying sorry or anything, i was just thinking it, but it felt like i was. I feel like i'm talking to a brick wall.
Last night i didn't go right to bed. My mom made me spaghetti and i at a ton of that before i went back to sleep at like 11:30 and woke up at 5:30. Yes, i woke up at 5:30. It was crazy. Anyways, i'm going to go outside before i go insane. Bye now.
No. 33
It sucks when she takes the time to just talk to her friends to chat and pushes you off when you need her. She does it to me all the time. She's willing to bend the rules for others, but not me. Then, when she's like 'okay fine' then she might as well have just said 'Okay, you're right. I do put everyone else in front of you, now i'll be fair about it' which is just bullshit. It sucks when you don't want her to go but you say bye and want her to say no but she just goes 'Okay bye.' *click* and it's just like that lingering *ugh* feeling.
Well that happened and then i called her back a few times. She should have called me back cause i knew her phone couldn't receive calls correctly but she could call people. Eventually she called back and it turned out that she was on the phone with Atenia. It was past ten and i asked how she could be on the phone and she said her mom was in the shower. Then she went back to Atenia. It always seemed like she used the 10pm rule as an excuse to have to go. Then she called me back to tell me something and then she went to leave and i asked why she had to go. She said it was past ten and i was like '...' i'm not hearing this. I pretty much was like wtf. Then she was like 'Okay, fine.' and that just made it not worth talking at all.
Oh, i forgot to mention this lady at the cemetery on Sunday morning. My parents and brother and sister walked down to the pond and i just slumped in the back of the car with my leg hanging out the trunk. This old woman drove up and parked behind the car and paid her respects and before she left she started towards me and actually checked to see if i was okay. That killed me. She seemed nice and i almost felt bad telling her that i was fine. She didn't even know me and some of the people who do wouldn't show that they care like that. No, i'm not saying any of you wouldn't but there are those who wouldn't.
Tuesday, i didn't know what to do with myself. I called Jazzy at least 300 times but when she checked her phone it said 99 missed calls since it can't hold any more. I didn't get our presentation done so we're going to go tomorrow instead. Mr. Finnegan sounded disappointed when i told him i hadn't finished it. On top of all of my other work, i forgot to mention that i also have a creative project due next Friday for Oedipus.
So me and Jazzy, or rather i have been tying to do something with just the two of us to catch up. I didn't really believe but i really wanted to think that she was actually doing this because she actually thought about me aside from the distractions of all her better friends. I thought maybe she still cared a little. Maybe i do still believe that. I don't know.
It had already been a horrible day. Monday night, i stayed up late and fell asleep doing the English presentation. This morning i woke up feeling horrible. I couldn't function at all. I showered and that still didn't wake me up. I slept until around 9:30 this morning and then i got ready for school and got there like halfway through D-block, History. It felt like shit most of the day.
So for weeks now we've been trying to set some time aside but stuff keeps coming up. After school she comes up to me and Eli, 'Hey guys!' all smiles and chipper as usual. That kills me. I love her smile. But shit does it kill me sometimes. Then she turns to Eli, 'I've got an hour. What are you doing?' That was like a slap in the face. Whatever though, it wouldn't have been so bad if i wasn't already feeling so crummy. I'm always feeling so goddamn crummy.
So she went to Eli's. She tried to get me to come, and she never seems to get that i never want to be away from her. I never want her to just say okay and walk away. I don't want her to be okay with me being miserable. I want to just be okay. I want her to not leave me there. Fuck, she went there for an hour and i paced around in front of the school. I got so frustrated, my teeth were grinding again, i punched the school and then my knuckles started bleeding.
It feels like i've fallen and she keeps putting her hand out to me just too far for me to reach and just as i crawl close enough to it, shes moved a little bit farther away. It's hurts so much to thing that my past relationship with Jazzy has amounted to nothing. I thought that our history meant something so much more than this. She can just let go like this.
Just like i figured she would, she came back with Eli. If she hadn't, there's a higher change that i would have flipped out and said everything i was thinking. That would have been the ned of it. She just left and i stood in front of Eli shaking. I went to his house but i didn't want to be there. I just didn't want to be anywhere, but with Jazzy. It's always so frustrating.
I went back outside and to the school but then i left and went back to Eli's. Then i got picked up. I hope she's happy now. She's got everyone on her side, just like she wanted. Nobody has to really give a shit about me. She's the only one who can make anything better for me. I don't care how many times she asks if i'm okay, how many times i say yes, she can be sure that the answer is always no. She only asks me when i'm not. I don't ever want her to just leave me there. Fuck. It's not all her fault. Fuck. She doesn't have to look for my sympathy. She's got everyone else's and it's not like she can possibly make me believe she knows how i feel.
On the way home my dad asked about my knuckles and i said i fell. He didn't say anything after that until we got home. he started asking all these questions and i didn't know what to say. What was i so upset about. Why couldn't i talk. I didn't say anything. I couldn't hold it together, but i couldn't talk. I just sat there. finally i went in. I was Jazzy online and we talked for like a minue until i said that i didn't want to talk online. She said she'd call me in ten minutes...and she called me in ten minutes.
Then she mentioned my hand and i didn't know what to say. She had seen my hand? She asks me about it now? Then we weren't talking but we were still on the phone and she starts typing to me online. Saying sorry for sounding so cold about my hand. She didn't mean to bring it up like that. Sorry for the day. She said she didn't choose Eli over me or anything even though it seemed that way. sorry for the mix up. I just sort of laughed.
After a while, i just asked her (on the phone), "Didn't you call me because i didn't want to talk online? And didn't you come right up to me and Eli after school, say, 'Hey guys,' turn to Eli and say, 'I've got an hour, what do you want to do?' even though you and i have been trying to get something to work out for weeks now? And didn't you go by me after school on the way to his house and stopped to talk to me, but still chose to leave me there and go to his house? And didn't you see me when you were on the way back to the school after i had been pacing around for an hour and a half, and see that my hands were bloody then, and you still just left, and now you ask?"
That's about as close as i can remember it. She didn't really have any way of responding to that. She makes counterpoints that don't really defend against everything but rather just distract from things. Eli knows what i mean. We argued for a little, then i asked her if she liked Eli. She said that they've always had this special thing,but she didn't really like him. She maybe liked him a little, but not enough to do anything with him or go out with him. Then i got really upset. She didn't actually like me when we were dating. Her thing with Eli can't be entirely new since they've "always" had something special. Then she, realizing she had ben caught in a lie, changed her whole story around. She misspoke. It came out wrong. She didn't mean it like that. She didn't like him. there was really nothing. Blah blah blah. I was just like whatever. There was a long pause. I think i just exploded into tears and hung up on her. She called right back though.
After a long pause, i told her that i hated her. We argued some more over stupid things. She still tried to make it seem like she is near the state i am in. She got kicked off the phone and i ran off to Lily's. Lily and i talked for a while. I was there for around an hour and a half. Jazzy called me back while i was there and i agreed to call her when i got home. She said she'd be online if she didn't have her phone. She didn't and she wasn't.
Just as things start to look like they're getting better, they end up horrible. Just as i was actually becoming convinced that Jazzy did like me and we were getting better, we broke up. Just when i thought Jazzy and i had reached a mutual understanding on the phone, i find out she likes Eli. The worst part is, i can't really blame her. I can't help but blame the fact that i don't feel like i am good enough.
I've been staying up late every night. I tried reaching Jazzy today but she didn't answer but apparently she was home. I fell asleep at like six or 6:30 i don't know. I didn't wake up until 9:30 and i called her. I woke up tossing and turning and kicking and really stressed out and anxious. She was in the shower. I hopped on the computer and my dad came in and told me that i needed to sleep through the night or else i was headed towards a total nervous breakdown. I've been in a state of mental breakdown for weeks. I called again at 9:47 and she was still in the shower. She called back like a minute later. She was talking to Eli online and i could hear it. It bothered the hell out of me. Her and i weren't really talking. I told her i was going to go. At first she said no but the she did go and her phone was static and shit and she couldn't call back because of the storm.
So i got out of bed and started typing online but not really typing. Saying 'hello' would have come out 'hnjuekolo' but somehow she undterstood what i was saying for most of it. I feel like such crap. I've been out of breath. Everything been hurting. MY chest pains have been worsening. Robin asked if i had heart problems. I don't know. I told her i was always out of breath and that i've been getting these sharp pains and she said that i should see a doctor. I guess i'm going to go back to bed now. How the fuck am i supposed to sleep?
Well that happened and then i called her back a few times. She should have called me back cause i knew her phone couldn't receive calls correctly but she could call people. Eventually she called back and it turned out that she was on the phone with Atenia. It was past ten and i asked how she could be on the phone and she said her mom was in the shower. Then she went back to Atenia. It always seemed like she used the 10pm rule as an excuse to have to go. Then she called me back to tell me something and then she went to leave and i asked why she had to go. She said it was past ten and i was like '...' i'm not hearing this. I pretty much was like wtf. Then she was like 'Okay, fine.' and that just made it not worth talking at all.
Oh, i forgot to mention this lady at the cemetery on Sunday morning. My parents and brother and sister walked down to the pond and i just slumped in the back of the car with my leg hanging out the trunk. This old woman drove up and parked behind the car and paid her respects and before she left she started towards me and actually checked to see if i was okay. That killed me. She seemed nice and i almost felt bad telling her that i was fine. She didn't even know me and some of the people who do wouldn't show that they care like that. No, i'm not saying any of you wouldn't but there are those who wouldn't.
Tuesday, i didn't know what to do with myself. I called Jazzy at least 300 times but when she checked her phone it said 99 missed calls since it can't hold any more. I didn't get our presentation done so we're going to go tomorrow instead. Mr. Finnegan sounded disappointed when i told him i hadn't finished it. On top of all of my other work, i forgot to mention that i also have a creative project due next Friday for Oedipus.
So me and Jazzy, or rather i have been tying to do something with just the two of us to catch up. I didn't really believe but i really wanted to think that she was actually doing this because she actually thought about me aside from the distractions of all her better friends. I thought maybe she still cared a little. Maybe i do still believe that. I don't know.
It had already been a horrible day. Monday night, i stayed up late and fell asleep doing the English presentation. This morning i woke up feeling horrible. I couldn't function at all. I showered and that still didn't wake me up. I slept until around 9:30 this morning and then i got ready for school and got there like halfway through D-block, History. It felt like shit most of the day.
So for weeks now we've been trying to set some time aside but stuff keeps coming up. After school she comes up to me and Eli, 'Hey guys!' all smiles and chipper as usual. That kills me. I love her smile. But shit does it kill me sometimes. Then she turns to Eli, 'I've got an hour. What are you doing?' That was like a slap in the face. Whatever though, it wouldn't have been so bad if i wasn't already feeling so crummy. I'm always feeling so goddamn crummy.
So she went to Eli's. She tried to get me to come, and she never seems to get that i never want to be away from her. I never want her to just say okay and walk away. I don't want her to be okay with me being miserable. I want to just be okay. I want her to not leave me there. Fuck, she went there for an hour and i paced around in front of the school. I got so frustrated, my teeth were grinding again, i punched the school and then my knuckles started bleeding.
It feels like i've fallen and she keeps putting her hand out to me just too far for me to reach and just as i crawl close enough to it, shes moved a little bit farther away. It's hurts so much to thing that my past relationship with Jazzy has amounted to nothing. I thought that our history meant something so much more than this. She can just let go like this.
Just like i figured she would, she came back with Eli. If she hadn't, there's a higher change that i would have flipped out and said everything i was thinking. That would have been the ned of it. She just left and i stood in front of Eli shaking. I went to his house but i didn't want to be there. I just didn't want to be anywhere, but with Jazzy. It's always so frustrating.
I went back outside and to the school but then i left and went back to Eli's. Then i got picked up. I hope she's happy now. She's got everyone on her side, just like she wanted. Nobody has to really give a shit about me. She's the only one who can make anything better for me. I don't care how many times she asks if i'm okay, how many times i say yes, she can be sure that the answer is always no. She only asks me when i'm not. I don't ever want her to just leave me there. Fuck. It's not all her fault. Fuck. She doesn't have to look for my sympathy. She's got everyone else's and it's not like she can possibly make me believe she knows how i feel.
On the way home my dad asked about my knuckles and i said i fell. He didn't say anything after that until we got home. he started asking all these questions and i didn't know what to say. What was i so upset about. Why couldn't i talk. I didn't say anything. I couldn't hold it together, but i couldn't talk. I just sat there. finally i went in. I was Jazzy online and we talked for like a minue until i said that i didn't want to talk online. She said she'd call me in ten minutes...and she called me in ten minutes.
Then she mentioned my hand and i didn't know what to say. She had seen my hand? She asks me about it now? Then we weren't talking but we were still on the phone and she starts typing to me online. Saying sorry for sounding so cold about my hand. She didn't mean to bring it up like that. Sorry for the day. She said she didn't choose Eli over me or anything even though it seemed that way. sorry for the mix up. I just sort of laughed.
After a while, i just asked her (on the phone), "Didn't you call me because i didn't want to talk online? And didn't you come right up to me and Eli after school, say, 'Hey guys,' turn to Eli and say, 'I've got an hour, what do you want to do?' even though you and i have been trying to get something to work out for weeks now? And didn't you go by me after school on the way to his house and stopped to talk to me, but still chose to leave me there and go to his house? And didn't you see me when you were on the way back to the school after i had been pacing around for an hour and a half, and see that my hands were bloody then, and you still just left, and now you ask?"
That's about as close as i can remember it. She didn't really have any way of responding to that. She makes counterpoints that don't really defend against everything but rather just distract from things. Eli knows what i mean. We argued for a little, then i asked her if she liked Eli. She said that they've always had this special thing,but she didn't really like him. She maybe liked him a little, but not enough to do anything with him or go out with him. Then i got really upset. She didn't actually like me when we were dating. Her thing with Eli can't be entirely new since they've "always" had something special. Then she, realizing she had ben caught in a lie, changed her whole story around. She misspoke. It came out wrong. She didn't mean it like that. She didn't like him. there was really nothing. Blah blah blah. I was just like whatever. There was a long pause. I think i just exploded into tears and hung up on her. She called right back though.
After a long pause, i told her that i hated her. We argued some more over stupid things. She still tried to make it seem like she is near the state i am in. She got kicked off the phone and i ran off to Lily's. Lily and i talked for a while. I was there for around an hour and a half. Jazzy called me back while i was there and i agreed to call her when i got home. She said she'd be online if she didn't have her phone. She didn't and she wasn't.
Just as things start to look like they're getting better, they end up horrible. Just as i was actually becoming convinced that Jazzy did like me and we were getting better, we broke up. Just when i thought Jazzy and i had reached a mutual understanding on the phone, i find out she likes Eli. The worst part is, i can't really blame her. I can't help but blame the fact that i don't feel like i am good enough.
I've been staying up late every night. I tried reaching Jazzy today but she didn't answer but apparently she was home. I fell asleep at like six or 6:30 i don't know. I didn't wake up until 9:30 and i called her. I woke up tossing and turning and kicking and really stressed out and anxious. She was in the shower. I hopped on the computer and my dad came in and told me that i needed to sleep through the night or else i was headed towards a total nervous breakdown. I've been in a state of mental breakdown for weeks. I called again at 9:47 and she was still in the shower. She called back like a minute later. She was talking to Eli online and i could hear it. It bothered the hell out of me. Her and i weren't really talking. I told her i was going to go. At first she said no but the she did go and her phone was static and shit and she couldn't call back because of the storm.
So i got out of bed and started typing online but not really typing. Saying 'hello' would have come out 'hnjuekolo' but somehow she undterstood what i was saying for most of it. I feel like such crap. I've been out of breath. Everything been hurting. MY chest pains have been worsening. Robin asked if i had heart problems. I don't know. I told her i was always out of breath and that i've been getting these sharp pains and she said that i should see a doctor. I guess i'm going to go back to bed now. How the fuck am i supposed to sleep?
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